... and I'm still alive! Yay!?
Sorry for my few stragglers who are still popping in once in a blue moon to see if I've written.
The Cancer World has not been a friendly place. It seems that there has been quite a bit of bullying, competing for "most cancerous" or something. I dunno. It just feels like ego inflation has been at an all time high. I work in the spotlight for a living, I don't need a spotlight for dying.
So I've been sitting back and trying to not look too closely. But, people I love are being hurt. I've been talking them down, behind the scenes. Quoting The Four Agreements has been a help to others, and myself. I like to remember that my friends are not being attacked. The attackers are self-hating cancer patients. Super weird.
But, a few moments in the past few months have started to eek me back into the cancer advocacy vibe. I'll get there. It's just been too ridiculous to even put my own emotions, reputation, or total vibe on the line. Screw that.
Meanwhile, an update on hormones! Yay!
So, for those of you who have been following the bouncing implant, it's been almost 2 years since my last cycle. Yep. In February, I'll be able to say that I haven't needed any feminine hygiene products for 2 whole years! Sounds fun? Nope. My hormones, hot flashes, weight management - a freaking disaster. Of course, the holidays haven't helped. Also, my arthritis. I had a full scan less than a year ago, since we thought it was possible that my cancer had gone all stupid metastatic to my left hip. The pain was unbearable, at times. I say was, but let's just say "is". Turns out, I have arthritis everywhere. Yes. Every freaking toe. Yes, my ass bone. I laugh about it, but it's not funny. I'd rather laugh than cry, which I do anyway when it's bad.
Thank goodness for CBD. I am prescribed, but it's ridiculously expensive through the state. I buy online, but it's also kind of pricey. But, it works. Sublingually, topically, vapeally. Yep. I made up a new word. My favorite is sublingual because it's so fast.
Mornings are particularly terrible. I mean, I tend to wake up early, and literally lie in bed, look at my phone to try and wake up while my joints scream bloody murder. If I get up too soon, I literally can not walk. Yesterday, I had a photo shoot for a cancer thingy (yep, we have thingies!) and I knew I was under the gun schedule-wise. Got up sooner than I normally would want to, and - you guessed it (maybe?) - I went over. I mean, my ankles couldn't handle my body weight yet. I went OVER. I landed on my iPad tray (which is connected to the bed, or WAS! I removed it last night) which incredibly didn't break (sturdy little thing!), and then somehow bounced onto the floor, on my (non lymphedema) arm. So, there I was. I once was a gymnast. I was a personal trainer. I work out almost daily (except these darned holidays, and these bad arthritic mornings when my cardio is softly weeping), but I could not stand up. With a photo/video shoot in a few hours, I now had a completely red and painful upper arm. From my freaking deltoid, along my tricep, to almost my elbow. Seriously. The entire side of my arm. Bright red. Throbbing and painful. My husband, who had gotten home a few hours before from work (late night, poor guy), woke up startled. I told him it was nothing, and sorry to wake him, and I stifled my screaming and sobbing and hobbled out of the bedroom. I think I dropped my ego somewhere along the way. I felt defeated. I somehow made it to the bathroom, looked at my arm, and laughed through tears. Seriously - why not tomorrow? So, for my crunched schedule - I used my "gym time" to ice my arm, while taking arnica and CBD sublingual, then smearing this arnica goop all over my arm, letting it dry to a crusty icky flaky thing, then washing that off and rubbing some CBD balm into my skin. It was a pretty amazing transformation. About an hour of babying my arm, and it had a much smaller bruise than it should have. A great coverup for clumsy people like melater, and I didn't look like a battered wife. They did have to touch it up at the shoot. And no, I didn't tell them of my 90 year old morning. I remembered seeing my great grandmother with bruises all over, and now totally get it. She lived with her 4 sisters, all in their 90's, and I don't believe that any of them were wrestling or boxing in their spare time.
So, here I am. This morning, I gave myself the required time I needed, which was about 45 minutes. Looking through my social media garbage. Online window shopping (you should see how many pairs of shoes I bought in my mind!!!) and email deleting. When I got up, the room started to spin. But, I held steadily (onto my dresser) and after about a minute, felt it was safe to venture out into the hallway. I wonder if the day will come when I need to install railings in our hallway. Of course, we could use them to stretch and do ballet moves, so it's not all bad. Hmmm. I do have a few tutu's!
Well, whatever. I now know that I'm not my actual age. I'm twice that. But I'll keep doing my roots and moisturizing and working out and drinking water. Because, my denial will still be riding strong, for as long as possible. Joints be damned.
The shoot was wonderful. A long day. But it was really nice to be surrounded by positivity in the cancer world. I used to be the type to put her fists up and talk back to the schoolyard bullies. No more. Life is ridiculously short. Those people can find other opponents. I choose peace.
So, now that I've been up for almost 3 hours (I woke up starting at about 4:30am - this lymphedema makes my bladder act the same age as my joints!), I'm going to hustle to the gym. After another coffee. My new coffee kick, when hubs is sleeping (we use really nice organic beans, freshly ground, and it's impossible to resist) is my Turkish coffee vibe. I went to Turkey last year on biz, and loved the coffee. I didn't get a chance to buy any while there - but I couldn't stop dreaming of it so I bought this stuff and it's amazing! I tried to make it the traditional way, and it was way too much work for me! So, I did some poking around, and found that a lot of people use it like instant. GENIUS! It's super super finely ground, so a tablespoon of that with a scoop of erythritol or a few drops of stevia, combined with our super filtered alkaline water? (by the way, this has been our magic water filter since my diagnosis - it's INCREDIBLE and worth the $$ - nothing to hook up, free standing!) ZING! Just don't drink the grounds at the bottom (or do... I mean, it's just coffee! I kind of like crunching it a little, but I've been told I'm a little strange) Cardamom in the coffee (built in) makes it extra yummy. When I get home from the gym, however, I enjoy our french pressed organic filtered alkaline coffee with grass fed ghee, MCT oil, cinnamon, cayenne, ginger, reishi, and a scoop of grass fed gelatin (and stevia, monkfruit, or erythritol - they all taste so different to me, so it depends on my mood!) Technically, I'm not intermittent fasting when I have this, but it helps me sustain my faux-fast. And it's delicious.
Ok, seriously. To the gym. In the past 2 weeks, I've been so busy, in pain, etc. blah blah blah, that I've not worked out like usual. And, I'm 5 lbs heavier to show for it. I swear, I have the metabolism of a rock. A rock with cancer.
xo
