Stress. Like a MFer

Wow. It's been busy. I should be in bed, but I'm surfing the intermallweb for kitchen appliances. We had been talking to a contractor for a few months, and the sh*t has been taking forever to nail down. We had been talking summer to completely overhaul the kitchen, including knocking walls down (city kitchens can be like closets, stuffy, hard to hear other rooms, and when the green bean casserole's burning, the smoke has little chance of escaping!)  It's a HUGE financial task, but why have I been saving all these years? We cook ALL the time. We love to cook. I have cancer. What the heck. I need a nicer kitchen.

So, homeslice, aka contract dude, emailed that he could book us in September.

Hold-the-damned-phone. WHAT. I have had my heart set on SUMMER. Which is officially now. I know, he's busy, schedules get filled... so instead of a scathing email from me, I asked hubs to do it. Guess what? He can start - um - right after July 4 weekend. WHICH IS IN A WEEK.

I'm totally down. Being Type A and Virgo, plus feeling like a ticking time bomb, let's roll.

Meanwhile, the financial burden, though I've adjusted to the idea over the past few months, has settled in my brain. I have a huge number in my head and I'm ok with it now.

But, the appliances.

Decisions.

I want good stuff. I have pretty good stuff now, but the fridge has been a mess. Had it fixed last fall. Still sucks. We also are installing a dishwasher. My first. Ever. And a wall mount microwave over the stove to help suck out the nasty fumes. We rarely microwave, but once in a while it does come in handy.

We're waiting on a new stove. Unless I can get a ridiculous deal. Which is possible, with the holiday coming up.

So, I'm surfing with my cash thinking cap on.  It's actually making me feel better about the money, because it's all stuff I need and want.

My dizzy spells? Better.

Had a few but each is less petrifying.

I went to a sub doc yesterday. Sub, as in substitute, and also as in subpar.

She basically told me I was pretty despite the fact that I am half of a certain race. She said that I probably didn't need my breast removed. I was about to lodge my shoe in her eyeball and tell her to also not remove that, but I needed to get through for my vitals and bloodwork.

I told a friend the story, and she saw the same exact Dr. Bitch. Years ago.

Time for a phone call to my regular doc. She was unavailable so I got this whore of a medical bitch.

Anyhoo, no time to sit in bad feelings.

Though, when I told her of my dizzy spells, she said "Well, that's normal!"  Normal for what? A kid on a sit n' spin? About that shoe in your eyeball...

Well, I've been stressed the fuck out, so much going on. Tomorrow is a day trip to a gig. The next day is an 8am gig. Given my instrument, I wake up hours before leaving so I can be sure that we are getting along well. Which means I'll have 2 hours sleep. Then, a birthday dinner way out in where-the-heck-Queens. But, we love our friend Eddie Pazant - saxaphone player extrodinaire, zen master, hilarity without borders, and up in smoke. So I will go. And smile. And put some glitter on. And hopefully not face-plant in the cake. Because I'm exhausted thinking about the weekend. Therefore, I will continue my shopping feast online instead of doing the sensible thing.

Also, my weight is stubborn. Doing all the right things. Methinks it's time for a change. Mix things up. Back to ye olde drawing board... but I am finally feeling a bit happy today for the first time in weeks. I hope this too shall not pass.

I thought I was dying last night...

I know. We're all dying.

Dinner last night. Totally enjoying daddy's day meal with hubby and daughter. Suddenly, the "feeling". Like nausea, cold sweat, impending death looming like an anxious salesman.

I couldn't imagine walking to the bathroom - which was down a flight of stairs. I could only imagine that I would stumble down the stairs and end up a bloody heap of limbs at the bottom. Tragic headline: Cancer Patient Ironically Dies From Restaurant Fall.  But the salmon was great.

I felt like my head had hung between my shoulders and knees for hours. I barely heard what was around me. I knew I felt ice on my neck, my daughters hand squeezing mine, hubby doing what he could very calmly.

Apparently, it was 5 minutes. I thought I was dying. For hours.

We have guesses as to what it could be. Got home in one piece. In my new and sweat soaked lacy dress. Thank goodness I'm a pro at walking in heels, 'eh?

Scared shitless for a bit. I can't lie. All I kept thinking was that I could NOT pass out. I did not want to be in an emergency room on Father's Day. Do you realize how many dudes would have knives sticking from their skulls, curling iron burns from angry daughters, frying pan contusions from jilted wives? No thanks, I'll die at home.

Much better today. Tonight, after dinner, I declared that my cycle would start at any second. My uterus was doing the angry dance. I also realized that, when I was preparing to wash my hair for a secret project tomorrow, that I had a crapload of grays again. So I ended up having to dye my hair with my hippie dippy natural hair dye (which actually is ok). Halfway through the waiting period, I got my period. How 'bout that? 4 days early, but I haven't really been on a schedule in, oh, over a year now... since the stupid pills.  But, I'm super crampy now (unlike last time which was a breeze). Let's hope I feel ok tomorrow - for the secret project. I actually don't know if it is a secret, but it's fun to act that way.

So, hair colored, nails are painted but a mess with the hair color (I tend to color hair a week before I need to look my best, but this snuck up on me!)... off to lay down and hang with hubs while I pretend my uterus isn't punching me from the inside.

Stupid Cancer. But, I'm grateful that my estrogen is making a comeback. Now, she should just calm down a bit and hang like old times!!!

Nightmares about lymphedema. Amazing hummus recipe.

It's been so busy in my career - been flying everywhere, tired but somehow I manage to workout more on the road than when I'm home. So, I've felt really good! And, I'm hovering at my pre-diagnosis weight. It's not easy staying there, but I'm surfing the wave. Yippee!

Nice to be home for a while before I get crazy again. Last night, though, hubby made it hard for me to sleep. The one thing that I've been getting good at. He had been feeling sick for a few days at least, and last night after his gig, we got home late, and he crashed. Unfortunately, before I did. You know when someone is sick and they are just louder sleepers? Well, I was thrilled that he was getting much needed sleep. I was too tired to get up for earplugs or even throw myself on the couch or my daughter's bed. I should have forced myself.

Ended up waking up for good at around 6:30 am. This, after getting home late and sleeping on and off for a few hours. *sigh*

Had a good workout anyway. Walked a bit. Came home to make hummus*. Cleaned up a bit, awaiting daughter for dinner. I am hoping to get to bed really early today... or at least reasonably so.

I had the craziest dream in my staggered sleep. I had freaking lymphedema. I looked at my hand in my dream because it felt weird. I had sausage fingers that I couldn't bend. My arm was huge (and not cool like Arnold!) I woke up completely frazzled. Glad it wasn't reality, but it does scare me.

*Hummus Recipe

Soak and cook dried organic chickpeas, or drain a can if you're feeling lazy.
Pulverize in a food processor or other vicious machine.
Add in organic olive oil - the real stuff. Check your source and watch out for the fake junk!
Season with Himalayan salt. Add cayenne to taste, if desired. Add other things too. This is the freedom recipe! Citrus, herbs, you name it!
Serve with chips, crudite, and love.

I'm not much of a measuring kind of gal in the kitchen. Taste until you love!