Deep breath in...

So, my daughter got through her oral surgery like a champ. If only I were as awesome as she is!!! No swelling, pretty much forgot about the pain the next day when she asked for a slice of pizza.  Her doc is one helluva guy- his office sucks. But I'd rather have an amazing surgeon and a crappy office staff, than the other way around!!!

In other news, I still feel uncomfy, but life will continue starting tomorrow, as it had before surgery. I've taken work, gigs, real life shit.

What bras to wear? What to do? How to restrict myself? I dunno. I want to be me as I always was, but, after cancer, that's just not possible. I can't go and find a bunch of lymph nodes to put back in my pit so I don't have to worry about lymphedema. I can't flex my left arm without my entire foobie flexing too. I guess it is a cool trick, but I just want to be able to open a door without my entire breast doing a dance. Every time I use my arm, it's a reminder.

Oh, and by the way - fuck you, cancer.

I'm still a bit sore from surgery but not so bad. I am sure that my bra choices will be key from this point on. But, I don't know when I should shop. I know things are settling in. I want to get measured for real, but when? I assume the swelling is now gone, but with the radiated skin, things are constantly shifting. I do worry that my skin will keep shrinking on my left side, but I guess that's something for the plastic surgeon to worry about. Oh, wait - every time he does anything to me, it knocks me out of the game of life. Well, now, that sucks.

Any cancer girls here have any non-ugly bras to recommend? Yeah, I bought the ones that are basically nylon. I hate the way they look and gave one to my daughter, who loves it. I still have 2.

I still like my Danskin bras, but they're racerback and so athletic looking. I don't mind that, but sometimes, I'd like to look as if I'm not about to run a marathon.

I can start pulling out my old bras and see what works, but it makes me cringe to think about trying on bra after bra after bra, when I'm still a little sore. So, I'll stick to my lady jock straps for now. Really, who cares if I'm still wearing these things with spaghetti strap tops? I mean, I did it for many months. Oh, and I have cancer. So just try and say something about my ugly-ass bra straps!!!

Sigh. But that isn't me. I just want to feel feminine again. It's hard after going through this. Having very feminine parts removed permanently from your body. Yeah, there's an implant there now. It does NOT look feminine. It gives the appearance of not having lost a body part that fed my child. Well, when I'm dressed. Undressed, it is a ripply mass with a scar across the entire width and is nipple-less. I'm a circus freak. So are many, many other women.

So, I guess, in a few weeks I go for another doc visit. I'll ask when I should get measured. I have felt so patient and impossibly impatient throughout this ordeal. I want things done. I know they can't be rushed. Besides losing my mom, it's definitely the most traumatic shit, ever. I was 18 when she died. I was not ready. I was nearly 41 when I got diagnosed. Nobody is ever ready.

Just give me one comfortable, frilly bra that doesn't hurt and fits and makes me look like a woman again. I really don't ask for much!!!

Side note: I did buy new bikinis very recently, and they are the most perfect. Ever. I bought tops that mask the scar and cover enough of the implant to hide all rippling that I can see now. So all is not lost, or masculine, in my wardrobe. I can tough this out... but for how much longer?

The Motion of the Sickness

Thank goodness, not me.

Today was the last day of school. My daughter lost her favorite baseball cap yesterday. She was bummed but actually handled it really well. I had bought her a Pokemon hat to add to her birthday gifts (I'm an early shopper - Christmas is already underway!) and decided that she had been doing so well that she could get the hat as her "last day of school" gift.  She was floored!!!

In my delicate state, I am able to go out in the real world. Every step makes me nervous but also empowers me. If I step off of a steep curb, I feel it.

After the fridge dude left, we had a working fridge (but the water wouldn't work again, unless we replaced the entire door, which would cost about the same as a new fridge!), and I was almost $300 poorer. But, happy that he was very nice and honest, and that our groceries wouldn't die.

So, we decided to head out to Mitsuwa! She's a big fan of anime, Japanese food, and all that stuff (we all are!) and so it seemed ideal for a celebration. Plus, it's Wednesday. Who the hell is out on a Wednesday? We caught the bus out, but hubby felt a little off. He's been on and off sick, and he pulled his back so badly the other day that we didn't think he'd be able to walk the 5 minutes home from the gym. Lots of stress, lots of work, little sleep. So we got there and he literally ended up on a bench, asleep. Well, after we had some sick ramen and a coconut bubble tea. So baby girl and I looked around. She bought a Pokemon something - I have no clue what it is, but she loves it! Went back to go grocery shopping and she was really sidetracked with her new toy, so I sent her to the bench with her sleeping sick stepdad. I grabbed random groceries, checked out, and we waited on line for the bus back - which was full by the time we got to the door. What to do? The next bus was in 2 hours. DINNER! By then, hubs was feeling better. So he got a curry udon for us to share, my girl got a salmon rice ball and a miso soup, and I got some fancy ginger ale (which also helped settle hubby's tummy). Then, we went BACK to buy more groceries! Now that I wasn't alone and had some time, plus someone to push the cart. (See: recovering from surgery)  Not only did we get a bottle of plum wine (yum!), we grabbed a raspberry wine, too. No clue what it will taste like, but I sure like the idea! A few other treats, then we made it back for the next bus. Got there early enough to be 3rd on line. And, with enough time to turn back and get ice cream for the wait. Mmmm. Red bean ice cream. Yeah, I can't eat dairy. But whatever. I have cancer.

So, the ride back was packed. And more folks were rejected and had to wait for the next bus - I hope they enjoyed their ice cream too!  :)

But the bus - so hot. And bumpy. I started feeling a bit ill, as did the others. We were stuck in traffic for a while. By the time the bus stopped, we couldn't WAIT for some air! It was raining out in NJ on the way back, but fine here in the city, so luckily we walked home. I'm not sure any of us wanted to sit in another vehicle!!!

I'm feeling hormonal. My damn hormones are all tamoxicrazy. I sure hope that my period will just stop. I mean, what is the point??? The pattern has been every 2 weeks - so I either have my period or PMS. I think that when a woman is prescribed Tamoxifen, it should come with fancy chocolates. A bottle of 30 pills, a box of 30 chocolates. Seems logical.

Gloo-Gone

Last night, I decided to La Mer my radiated side. Why? Because I hear horror stories about the skin, over time it disintegrates, collapses, pretty much fucks with the reconstruction. So, I put on my $150 cream. This morning, I woke up to see that all of the glue on the incision (which spans the entire width of the faux breast) was peeling up! Carefully, because I was one of those kids who had to pick every scab, I worked off the glue. Now, after my mastectomy, I was petrified of the glue. The nurse peeled it off for me - I was too freaked out that I couldn't feel anything. Oh, and that I had just had my breast removed. This time I saw it and realized that it will drive me batty if I left it.

There is still glue on the right side, so I put a bit of La Mer on it this morning (also on the other side too, because the main reason I did it was to help that skin along!)  We'll see what happens.

I know my reconstructive surgeon told me time and again about "rippling" because of the lack of breast tissue, and fat. I thought it was overkill that he told me so many times. Now, I'm glad. Because I see the rippling clearly. And I'd be pissed if he hadn't driven it home for me. It is shit like this that makes me so mad at folks who think that Breast Cancer is a way to get free implants.

Hey, I guess it's cool. If you hate yourself and want to inflict mental and physical pain on yourself and end up looking like a circus freak (oh, did I mention that I had to downsize due to the radiated skin? It's NOT a way to get "bigger"!!!)

This looks like a negative post. Probably because something is wrong with our fridge. The water dispenser broke years ago, and now something is wrong with the door. I looked online to see about a new one, but to get something close to what I have, would cost minimum $1000. Because I bought a good one. I had to upgrade from the bachelor style fridge that ex-hubby had - by the time I bought the new one, the old one was duct taped shut. Classy. And, going through my divorce, broke, I didn't give a crap. I wanted something that made ice and filtered water. And I got a new stove, one that actually fit 4 pots on top and didn't have a dent that looked like someone's head got slammed into the top of the range. One day, the fridge filter stopped working. And I meant to get it fixed but never did. Well, I guess it's time to figure it out. Ugh. When it rains...

But, we'll see what happens. We really need our kitchen floor tiled. Badly. We need to paint the apartment. Parts of it - badly, other parts are liveable. Maybe our standards are too high. Maybe I need a cup of coffee. I definitely need some sun. And some fat under my skin over my implant so the ripples go away.

Post Op. Strap 'em down. Green tea.

Had my post op visit yesterday. All looks good! I was hoping to get the ok to no longer have the bandage holding them down, but another week at least. I've been wearing strapless items non-stop for the past week, to hide this bandage. Sigh. I mean, it's not a bad look, but geez. I'd like to have a little more variety!

And knowing me, I'll be paranoid to keep it going for longer than doc says. Because I had breast cancer, not shoulder pad cancer! I don't need anything migrating north!

Feeling ok, the bloat is gone for the most part, but I miss working out. And playing hard. Been practicing cautiously. It feels good, it's very good for me as a musician, but damn. I just want to blast something. Soon...

My new daytime treat - Matcha Green Tea. I love it in almond milk with stevia. It really seems to clear my brain a bit (why the hell didn't I drink this during radiation???)

I may go out for another cautious stroll, or perhaps park my butt somewhere sunny for a bit. The vitamin D seems to help everything. I am really looking forward to feeling like me again - and wearing a bra. Jeez louise.

To the Doc tomorrow!

Boy, this whole recovery thing has me exhausted. But, I had a productive day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the doc will tell me tomorrow that it's totally cool to take off this *&^#@^#%&*#^$ bandage around the top of my chest. Literally - it's pushing them down - like I actually want that? But, I get it. It will make them more natural, and after having that fake-ass expander in for 8 months, I know that, for me, it's embarrassing to look like you have fake boobs.

I'll never be a porn star or a stripper.

Good thing I have established some sort of a career already.

Funny, hubs and I watched a movie the other night called After Porn Ends. We find documentaries fascinating. This was a really interesting look into the lives of folks who go into porn, what happens down that road and when they leave. Man, it kind of haunted me the next day as well - just thinking about some of those folks. Glad that some were able to move on somehow, and sad that others had a hard time. Seems the "old schoolers" did better than the contemporaries. I guess once the world had access to making their own "art", it became a crazier world, full of competition and lots of undercutters.

Hey! That's like music!

Ok. If I survive cancer, I can certainly survive the music business for a long time to come.

Anyway, I should really get my butt to bed. Seriously, this whole recovering-from-surgery shit is really tiring. In spurts. As soon as I lay down, I may very well feel like Cornholio. Ah, the Classics.

4 days out - frozen yogurt success!

Still feeling beat up, but perhaps that's partially because I didn't take any tylenol today. I took some at night so I could sleep (which sort of didn't work, anyway), and figured, I can live with this bruisy feeling, and it will keep me from being a total idiot and hurting myself. So, there I am.

Funny, I don't look bruised except a few spots. But I feel bruised and swollen (that is visible). Last night I wrapped myself up tight from below the breasts (or whatever I should call something that resembles a breast) down, and I woke up much more like myself, instead of Stimpy. It helps to wear some sort of Spanxy undergarment during the day too, but today I haven't gone for it - yet. I think my body is finally getting rid of the toxins from the procedure and medications, and am hopeful that I might feel like me again soon. I had dropped some weight before surgery and found that after surgery, I was 5 lbs heavier. All water, of course.

Well, last night a friend brought over a big box of Bronx-made cannoli - though my daughter scarfed quite a few, I had 2 - they're the small ones, so that was only 2,000 calories, right?

But I did wake up a pound less than yesterday, and I can almost see my abs like I could before surgery, so that's something - cannoli'd or not.

The worst is feeling afraid to go out alone. Hubby is home working, and I'm dying to go for a walk. Maybe I will. Just Man Up and do it. It's daytime, it's beautiful and hot out (and the apartment is freezing - my guy likes the air cranked but I think I'm so sensitive to temperature right now that I have a sweater on and am shivering!), and I need to move my body. Can't go to the gym (duh!), but I can walk. I just have to avoid crowds and close quarters so I don't risk getting bumped into or elbowed in my fammaries (fake mammaries).

Now that I believe my lips are turning purple, like when I was a kid and refused to stop swimming even though I was shivering and pruney, it may be time to take action. Looks like plans for lunch with a good friend are coming together. So I'm going to go make myself presentable and perhaps leave early for extra sunshine. *shiver*

Surgery, over and out!

Had my exchange surgery yesterday.

It was a good day.

Got there at 1pm, got into the amazing hospital garb, chatted with the nurse, had my stats checked, met the anesthesiologist, saw my surgeon, and while he drew on me with markers, he said "Wow, you've lost weight!"  I only saw him a month or so ago for pre-op. Hubby and I explained that I refused to take the tamoxifen if it packed on the pounds. And I want to live, and I know this may have saved my mom, so instead of letting the wind blow wherever it felt was cool, I really have buckled down on my diet and gym time. I'm sad that my delts will lose some of their recent definition, but I am proud of my pre-op work. Of course, I'm nauseous and the only thing to keep that at bay is bread products. So, I'll have some work to do after, considering the fact that between bready things and not working out, I'm going to put a lot of it back on. Maybe.

What's the best way to get leftover medical metallic tastes out of your mouth? Everyone seems to say exactly what I'm doing. Carbs and time. But I'm impatient!

Meanwhile, I'm very please with what I can see of the results. I'm not allowed to wear a bra for a week at least, post op is next Wednesday. I have an ace bandage wrapped above my chest - I guess to keep the implants from floating up. Need to be wrapped unless I'm showering. It's not a good look, but I'll survive. Shoot, I survived everything else so far!!!

If this nausea goes away, I'll only have the soreness to deal with. That I can handle.

Bent over the toilet this morning, getting rid of whatever was in my tummy, not so fun. And I'm still dizzy and nauseous. Just a little. I guess I just have to be patient. Not one of my strengths!!!

RIP, old friend.

My friend from the early 90's passed away today. From lung cancer.

From an exchange this past winter:

"That's the tude sweets...we will celebrate our victory together real soon. I have lung cancer.

No need to share this with the oopsie daisys on FB. Keep it close to the people who can help you best with prayer, love, understanding and giving, caring hearts...all else is fodder for pity parties...we celebrate LIFe!!!"

I was talking to him about the fact that we hadn't shared our battle with many.  I contacted him because I knew he suffered for years with some sort of cancer. One of the nicest, craziest, most talented people I've ever known. 

And now, he's gone. I rarely saw him after my studio days - but a few times here and there. Nothing but love. Always. And now? My battle is for him, and for my mom, and my aunt, and everyone who has died from this stupid crap. I'm over it.

Cancer: Fuck You.

In other news - the tears helped with some of my anxiety that has been silently building up for this surgery. Or, it could be the PMS. Either way, thank you B.F. - thank you for the tears.

2.5 days. Radiation follow up. Awesome.

My prognosis - Awesome. Direct quote from my radiation oncologist. It was nice to see him out of the club and in the medical setting. Yup. He comes to my gigs. He dances like he doesn't care. Perhaps a bit tipsy, but I like that he has fun.

Lots of scar tissue - no surprise there. My plastic surgeon reassured us that he would break it up on Thursday during the procedure. Egads. The shit is awful. I feel like an alien.

I can not wait to feel human. I really can not express how awful it feels to be a cancer patient for so many reasons, and I don't have it as bad as some do. I feel disconnected with my body. I feel sad. I feel grateful, but mad. I feel trapped, by the medication, by my inability to wear a regular bra, or even a swimsuit. The scars and missing pieces, the burn marks (now tan lines), the PTSD, all of that shit just sucks rocks.

And then, there's the good stuff. I'm breathing. Other than the red bean ice cream I just devoured (got it for my daughter and she didn't like it - ummmm, but I did! And I'm hormonal!) I've been doing well with my weight. Speaking of hormonal, my clockwork periods (not orange) have changed drastically to a guessing game. Like musical chairs. You never know when the music will stop. It seemed to happen every 2 weeks but now has been MIA for almost 4. I'm anticipating that it will arrive in time for surgery or early recovery like last time. And I have too much dignity to get help trying to keep it all in check. I really did suffer through that last recovery with the damn uterine crap. Hopefully this time it will stay away for a bit and let me suffer in peace. *whimper*

But! I'm here!

Yesterday, hubby, my guitarist and I played for a Survivor's Day. Yeah, I'm not a fan of the term, but it was a really nice day for us all. Sappy saps. We all cried at various moments - so many inspiring folks, so many good vibes, so much damn mayonnaise. For some reason, at the luncheon, there was an overabundance. And, I love mayo. So I think I filled my quota for the next 3 months. Potato salad, egg salad, cole slaw, tuna salad ... there was lots of pasta that I didn't mess with, some healthier veggie things, but the main course was - basically - a jar of mayo in my belly. There were also plenty of cold cuts, what I lovingly refer to as "sweaty meats". I decided to forego said delicacies because they affect my playing. Plus, who has time for that when you have mayonnaise???

*urp*

So here I sit, watching my daughter draw, cat asleep and totally upside down next to me on the couch. Hubby's out working.

Tomorrow we have an "interview" for a summer program for my girl. It's a camp type of thing, with some math and English courses. But fun stuff too - swimming, dancing, music, and other cool stuff. I sure hope we can get her in, it's late in the game but we're trying. It was recommended to us by her counselor at school, who put in a good word so we could get our application in after the deadline. Fingers crossed! She thinks it's weird that it's in a college, but I've reassured her that she is not actually going to go to college, but will go to a college. Ah, so confusing.

Time for my tamoxithin. Had a wicked hot flash after leaving the appointment today, right after I told my doc that I rarely have them. You have never seen a crazier lady rip off her sweater and put her umbrella down in a rainstorm just so she could feel the cold water!!!

4.5 days!

Holy Moses! This morning, while getting dressed, I told hubby excitedly that I will only have to pad and prod myself 5 times more! Maybe I will for surgery day too... yeah, I probably will. But as far as I know (and hope), I will be going in the morning so there will be only a small window of manipulating my chestal area.

Had a satisfying day. The B vitamins are really doing right by me.

Warmed up this morning while hubby wrote a chart for his gig tonight. We went to the gym, got manly, hit a few errands, and when he left for his gig, I walked to the farmers market. Actually, I saw a street fair, so I walked it and enjoyed the walk, grabbed some earrings and tank tops (which I wear endlessly, even though my transition bras look crazy under them!), got my coveted farmers fuji apples, and went home. It was looking really overcast so I figured it would rain. Realized that I meant to buy some red wine, so I went out again. The sun was out! Hardcore! So I walked up to one of my new favorite stores, Uniqlo, since I had gotten an email with these amazing printed pants for $12.90 on sale...  The ones in Pink Floral... and I not only scored these, but a pair of these skinny black jeans that make me look as thin as my daughter for $20, these shorts that look like a skirt in pink floral for $10, and a super cute striped tee shirt for my little girl. The total bill? $50ish. Glad the sun was out!!!

I then realized how close I was to Koreatown, and we love Asian groceries, so I went to my favorite grocery store and bought so much stuff that my reusable shopping bag was packed to the gills.

However, on my way back home, I realized I never got that red wine! So I popped into our favorite liquor store, picked a few things up, got carded (and they've seen me with hubby plenty of times, but I guess I was in a t-shirt and jeans, had my hair up and, well, maybe I did look suspicious). They had samplers there too, so I had a generous shot of coconut vodka. While the sampler was quite vapid, the drink was smooth.

Came home - finally! Made some zero calorie noodles with kimchee and umeboshi. I am getting ready to make a salad, I promise.

Tomorrow is Survivor Day at our hospital, and hubby and I are playing a few tunes with my guitar player. How do I feel? I don't love the term "survivor", but do I say that? Eh, we'll see. Seriously, what to wear? Maybe I'll break out my new shorts, they look less casual than jeans. We'll see how my mood is rolling!

I am SO looking forward to surgery. I see my radiologist on Monday morning - for a follow up. I sure hope my radiation tan lines are satisfactory!!!

Macrocytosis... B Vitamins... 9 days...

ERMEGERD! 9 days until surgery!

Got a super secret private password only note from my doctor today regarding the blood test results. Apparently, I have macrocytosis. It sounds really exotic, but really, it's boring. I took some B complex and felt like myself for the first time in months. I thought the Tamoxithin was making me tired, and it probably is, but maybe it also blocks the absorption of B 12? I do know I took some sublingual liquid B, and felt like freaking Cornholio! It was amazeballs. It's water soluble (yes, I'll call my oncologist to make sure this is cooli-o) so it's like taking vitamin c. Pee it out if you don't use it! Everything has limits, but hopefully a dose or two will be approved daily. Man, I've felt like some sort of sleep-walking lame-ass until this afternoon. I even lifted weights at home! And did 100 crunches on the ball! I've done this in the recent past and have had sudden urges to break my drinking glass, and jab a shard through my eyeball just so I would have an excuse to stop working out. This B vitamin vibe is a much better option, in my opinion.

Good news - my pee test came back perfect. I have perfect pee. There are fewer things more bizarre than peeing in a cup and handing it to someone and leaving. I mean, really? I guess I'm glad to not be in the lab tech world.

I just wish my freaking wrists would stop hurting. They always gave me trouble, but this is just stupid.

My neck, too. But that might be due to my inability to get a massage for real. Luckily, hubby is well-versed in cracking my neck, so I got a little sigh of relief this evening. I can not wait to feel like a "normal person", or at least one without an overfilled balloon in my chest. So I can lay on a massage table. And get the crap pummeled out of me. How soon after surgery am I approved to do this? I'm hoping for a 30 minute window, but am anticipating it will be weeks or months. Alas, I will enjoy the neck cracking from hubby, and perhaps some back cracking (we can almost achieve that now if I position myself at an angle, but it really isn't the same).

Really, I'm not complaining. But DAMN. Fall is going to be amazing, when I'm healed, when I can hopefully pretend I'm "normal" again. 9 days. Really, 8.5...  HURRY!!!