Little House on the Acupuncture Table

Saw my main acupuncturist today after 3 weeks... yes, I haven't seen her since I stopped taking the poison.

I walked in and immediately heard, "Holy crap, you look terrific!!!"

Ok, my outfit was cute, but I had a huge puffy fatty down coat on. It wasn't that.

It was me. My glow. She said that for many months she saw a layer of ick on me. I'm not recalling the correct word, but ick works for me. I laid on the table and we talked about my disappearing symptoms. I did have 2 hot flashes last week but it's normal when getting off meds to have a rehashing of symptoms. My weight is the same but I'm consuming more calories. But I feel different, like my body is shifting back into it's old shape. I feel stronger and more like me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "I don't look like the same weight as last week, but I am". But I see the shift in balance. I see my body fat percentage on the scale go down. Obviously, that's good.

So I start getting needled. A lot of vocalization, as I always feel certain points. She left the room, and I swore there was a needle in my left arm (the missing lymph one) on my pericardium meridian, which she confirmed when I told her and showed her.

As I got dressed, I was laughing to myself about the fact that while laying there, I was hearing the theme song to Little House on the Prairie.

I told her in passing as we booked for next week, and she said "Huh. Pericardium relates to childhood". Wow. That was deep. She hit my Laura Ingalls tsubo!!!  Crazy. Like, seriously.

Hubs just asked what we were giving up for Lent (kidding, of course). I told him Tamoxifen! I've got a head start!!!

My Uterus Kicked my Ass

Not really. But Saturday night, after a glorious organic meal out, we walked to our favorite jazz club. I had felt it cramping up at dinner. It wasn't the food - it was all clean and I didn't have any wheat (except for a half bite of an empanada, and it was glorious!)  It's my hormones. Now that I'm starting to get some estrogen back, and my period was technically due yesterday, my uterus is basically saying, "WHYYYYY???"

So, as the night progressed, I became more and more in pain. I mean, I thought I might give birth on the street. To an alien. With 6 heads. And he would literally chew his way out with 6 sets of ridiculously razor sharp fangs. Because he hates me.

Hubs said we should get a cab but I could not imagine getting into a seated position without my water breaking. So we hobbled.

Got home. Made very strong golden milk. Hubs drew me a hot bath.

Woke up the next morning - FINE!

Oh, hormones. I'm so sorry that I took that stupid tamoxifen for 11 months. That was dumb of me. I knew better. I didn't want to take it to begin with. I felt myself turning psychotic. I felt the pain. I knew when I developed osteopenia before the doc told me. I was not trying to kill myself, but, that's what I was doing.

So, I'm fluctuating. Yesterday, we went to the gym. I ended up going to get cupped. Google if you're not in the know. Stars do it. Smart people do it. And hey- even I do it! Been having this done on and off for many, many years. I love it. It brings a huge sense of pain relief. My marks are not particularly dark, which is good. But it felt so relieving. I may try and go again this weekend. As long as no gigs that require strappy dresses are on the menu, I'm cool with the marks! Mine aren't even that dark. I've had times in my life where they've been nearly black. TOXICITY!

I'm going through hormonal ups and downs, for sure. I'm STARVING. All the time. But, for the most part, I'm being very good. Perhaps I'm indulging in more calories than I should, but my body is asking for energy. I'm being way better than I've ever been, and that's saying a lot. And, I'm happier than I've been in, well, 11 months.

I'm back. I'm like a light with a short in it, sometimes I blink off, sometimes you have to shake me up to get me to light again. But, I'm back. I can't wait until I'm 100% back.

I just built a huge kitty condo. It's a belated Christmas/Valentine's Day gift for the kitties. Our 12 year old loves to climb up the metal ladder to the top bunk and hang. But to jump down? He literally jumps down. I'm so worried about his old bones, so this thing actually reaches that top bunk. Yikes! Their old condo is tiny. It's like the difference between having a 2 story loft space and maids quarters.  Yes, I sang the Jefferson's Theme as I built it. A deee-luxe apartment in the skyyyyyyyyy!

I have so much to do, but I'm so excited!

Hubby is on his way back home from far, far away! I should be cleaning! Making dinner!

I just went out to get new batteries for our scale (God forbid I don't know my weight on a daily basis - I have NO CLUE what I was this morning... and it sounds neurotic, but I've been so out of touch with my body and it seemed to not react to my actions on the meds, so now it's time to figure out how I can make the scales tip in my favor!) and scored some adorable leftover Valentine's Day bamboo. Heart shaped. Yay, after-holiday-sales!

I feel super achy tonight. Actually a bit all day. Time to make some golden milk. Hopefully he'll be exhausted enough to want to just crawl into bed. I'm not sure I can handle more, but the turmeric might make me feel better. Maybe some magnesium too. My muscles feel crampy. F'ing healing crisis. But hey - I'd rather be here than crying on the tamoxifen. F'ing tamoxifen.

So, off I go to make golden milk, put new batteries in the scale, do a last minute clean up, and hopefully hug my man soon. A week? I have never been with someone that I've really missed after a week. Though, I am also good with the time apart, because for once, there is real trust, real love, and hey - bring home the nitrate free organic free range bacon!!!

Here's hoping that my aches and pains go away soon... it's also raining... that never helps. xo

Healing Crisis

Woke up this morning with a rash on my cheek. Usually that kind of thing (very rare for me) is a sign that something is trying to get out. Nasty food, maybe nasty meds!

Been super clean on my diet (except for half a glass of wine at night, I need something!) Supplements... lots of water... trying to flush it out, literally!

Each day is better. My eyesight is still a disaster in the evening (now!) and I truly hope that I can regain my sight. Really? Women go freaking blind on tamoxifen. They lose their teeth. Why again is this recommended?

Speaking of teeth, had a panorex for mine today. Just in case my choppers start falling out of my head, so they can rebuild and hopefully save my career. Yeah. It's deep. But the techie said that they looked great, though wobbly. Perhaps I stopped the poison in time. My hip? Spine? Still painful. But my jaw is WAY better, and that is more important right now. The rest will come in time. Just keep taking that raw calcium, doing all of those things I do. I don't talk about faith a lot, because I get a bit ticked when people are "praying" for me and "Everything will be ok" or "It's God's will" etc. Um, really? God decided to kill my mother when I was a teen? I think not. But I have faith in the universe, that if I follow my instincts and research and think outside the Big Pharma box, I can be healed. Safely.

God's Will. My missing boob and radioactive body and fried brain cells and osteopenia are not anyone's will. If they were, then I would lose all faith in the kindness of the universe.

Anyhoo, back on track here. Healing crisis. Please let it happen quickly. My system is a bit out of wack, to say the least. So, let's get this done with and give me back my bone density, my skin clarity, my brain cells, my eyesight, my metabolism, and my sanity. Which, amazingly, is coming home to mama. Of course, there wasn't much to begin with, but I feel more level headed. Like I won't tell some stranger to f*ck off on the sidewalk and get killed.  Yippee!!!

1 week without Devil Pills, AKA Tamoxifen

I can't express how AMAZING I feel compared to a week ago.

Oh, I guess I kind of just did.

Each day has become progressively more positive. I now have a little bit of my filter back, so I'm not in as much danger of getting shot because I'm yelling at some lunatic. Oh, actually, I would be the lunatic.

I'm still super toxic. I can feel it. But I've been really good about eating as clean as I can. Taking detox stuff like Zeolite. Drinking my home brew Kombucha with chia seeds. I'm still pretty hungry but am being smart about it, I hope. My metabolism hasn't changed, but I hope it will. It's only been a week. I do feel like this horrible Tamoxifilm has been lifted from me. I felt encased in it. A layer of toxic filth.

I'm getting there. And I'm doing everything I can to do the right things so that, in the words of my oncologist, I don't regret my decision. Hey - you know what? I don't want the cancer to spread, either. But, I have felt like the living dead for at least 6 months of this past year. So, if I feel happy and like myself again, I am more able to fight back. Plus? If I die, I have been able to enjoy my time. The tamoxifen made me want to die at times. All that pain. For what? It's not even an actual cure. It's bullshit.

Hoping that my bone density will improve. Still taking those crazy live calcium supplements. My joints and hip and spine have started to feel a bit better. Is it because I'm happier? Who cares. I'm headed in a positive direction.

I am so excited to once again enjoy my life. I'm starting to get my chops together again. I really was at a point where I was afraid to accept gigs. I thought about retiring, going out on a "high note". Because physically, I had a very difficult time playing, and dancing, and smiling, really. No need to tank my career in public. But now? I have new hope that I can get back to where I was. Maybe beyond. Yes, beyond. Because I'm here to kick ass. And now I feel like I can, hopefully without dislocating my hip.

Time to clean up a bit. Hubs left for a business trip. Yeah. It's Valentine's Day, or "VD", as some folks call it. Yuck! We love each other every day and I'm thrilled he's working. I've got a full schedule tomorrow, and Sunday is a day with my little girl, as is Wednesday. The other days? Packed to the gills. But, you know what? I feel like I can function again. I went from 3-4 cups of coffee a day to 1. Ok, I'm lying because I had 2 today, but one was before the gym - the toxicity feels like it expels in spurts, and leaves me catatonic. So, I made an espresso... and struggled through my workout. It was better than nothing!

So much to do, and I'm thrilled that I can now physically do at least much of it! Tamoxifen, I hate you. Life, I love you.

Self un-medicated

Yup. As of Friday, February 7, I have been Tamoxifen free.

Do I feel different? HELLS YES!

I'm ME again, or at least, getting closer to Me.

Hubs and I went to the gym Friday after dental appointments (because my gums have been in pain, bleeding, and I was worried about all these women on tamoxifen losing teeth) and of course, my jaw pain has made me want to simply die. Have to go for a panoramic x-ray next week so we can keep track of everything. I haven't had a teeth x in many, many years, but it seems that I need it now.

At the gym, I had tears in my eyes the whole workout. My joints hurt me so badly, everything cracked as I moved (or not) and I really felt like a mass of living hairline fractures. I couldn't even do the rower because my hands were so cramped. I basically worked out like a girl. And that's not ME.

Ok, I am a girl, but I like to lift like an athlete. I no longer feel remotely like I could even play freaking ping pong.

So, hubby told me to not take my meds. That's all I needed to hear. I've wanted to stop for months (see: um, my blog!) but hearing it from his face, watching my pain, it felt like I was finally right. I tried it for nearly a year. And now, I'm completely wrecked, but hey, it could have been another 4 years and I'd be dead from the side effects.

It's only been 2 missed pills, going on 3 tonight. I worked out like a maniac, I didn't want to cry when I woke up (joint pain was minimal, as was jaw pain), I even did the rower for an hour (it was going to be 30 minutes, but I kept pushing). Then I walked for a while, and now, I'm back home. And I actually feel almost GOOD. Like, life is worth living again! Ironic, no?

I have to be super careful on my diet stuff and exercise, but I feel like I'm more in a position to heal now.

Fuck you, Tamoxifen.

Love, Me

Come on, give Grandma a little smooch!

Went to see my dentist today - been so busy being Cancery, that I was severely delayed in making the appointment. Luckily, I'm a star patient and they barely have to clean anything. However, the gums are hurting, and of course that's all from my friendly Tamoxicrud.

It was nice to see the crew - hubby finally went in too. They're so thorough and thoughtful and honest and, just good people.

Have to go for a panoramic x-ray tomorrow. As much as they want to avoid that stuff, especially for me, they need a baseline in case my jaw gets worse, or my teeth fall out.

Glad we both went. I'm a tooth fanatic. I am always mindful of my teeth and am, quite frankly, vain.

We hit the gym after. I'm not used to doing much of anything at night with this joint pain. I was frustrated. Made it through, but I basically feel like I'm just a pile of walking hairline fractures, that my joints are all dislocated, and that I'm an OLD LADY. I think hubby deserves someone younger than 90. Jesus.

A lovely dinner, and when my tamoxifen alarm went off, hubby instructed me to not take it. Well, instructed sounds like he's driving. I've wanted to at least take a break for months. He said I should lay off until he's back from his business trip - in 2 weeks.

I'm all for it. This is no life. By the time 7pm rolls around, I can barely talk. My jaw is throbbing, and all I can think about is this wonderful fantasy that I DIE. Because everything hurts. Every night. No matter what I do. Sometimes, 80's dance music helps me forget, but it's not enough. I just need to cut this shit out.

Plus, I have no filter. I yelled at several people in the street today. I could have been killed. Maybe that's why I do it - because I want to be put out of my misery. Perhaps not the best method.

Actually at the gym, I realized why Tamoxifen was created. So that patients don't want to get old! This shit SUCKS. I actually don't want to go through any of it again. I'd happily die at 50 like my mom did. But, I don't want that for my daughter. I'm still traumatized by her death in my teens.

I had considered going to hubby's gig, but in this cold weather, my joints are more of a mess. Better stay inside and keep warm. I have half a bottle of red wine that says I will be nice and toasty.

Acupuncture - the only upside to Cancer Treatment

Well, mine, anyway.

I look forward to acupuncture at my Cancer Center (which apparently will NOT change their name to Clown School - it really would cheer me up to see a cool Circus sign light up when I walk in weekly! They have no sense of humor or humanity...)

My jaw, as I've mentioned many times, feels like it is going to snap off and never be mine again. I've always had some TMJ issues, but now? With the joint pain and bone loss? I almost WANT it to fall off, so I can prove a point to my damn Oncologist!

Eh, fuck her. I want my jaw AND my life back.

Today, my acupuncturist treated, amongst other things, my TMJ. Normally, she is wary to stick needles in folks there, because it's intense as hell, but me? I say BRING IT. I'm very sensitive and tuned into this stuff, and know a lot of points and meridians. Yeah, I studied this back in the day, before I knew that I really wanted to be a broke musician. Woo! I regret nothing, and am super glad for my curious mind. I think my acupuncturist loves that I know points, she likes discussing why things work, why I feel things, or don't, when a needle doesn't want to go in, when it doesn't want to leave, etc. The human body fascinates me, especially when it's Eastern medicine.

Anyway, wow. Still pain in my joint, but it really was magical. I'm forever grateful for her work with me. I believe I would either be dead now, or in the loony bin. I think that acupuncture, and all alternative healing (massage, and even exercise) are amazing forms of therapy. And she's not a fruity-tooty hippie chick, either. She is a no-nonsense "This works" gal. If you saw her in the hallways, you'd think she was a doc. My midwife was similar. I like folks like that. Don't be all throwing feathers up my nose and chanting like a sub-par singer songwriter. Fix me.

Meanwhile - some good stuff. My daughter's writing skills? AMAZING. She reminds me of me at that age, but she's way more sophisticated. She's such a bookworm, and I think that teaches her to write like nothing else. Well, like a book. Duh. Oh, Tamoxifen brain, you suck ass.

And, apparently, you encourage me to use more potty language.

Golden milk has been consumed. Time to go pretend to read a book while I play some Words with Friends as I try to adjust my blurry eyes to see the screen. I think that the Tamoxifen makers should refund my Lasik costs. Oh, and die a horrible death.

Uncomfortably Numb

Everything hurts. My gums are swollen and bleeding - just did some oil pulling to hopefully help (feels better already) but this tamoxishit is really killing me. Why else would my gums be like this? I am going to see my dentist on Friday. And if they say "Stop taking this shit", I won't blink twice.

I really look at the pro's and con's of this crap and think - why the fuck am I taking this again?

Pros- Not much, other than to keep my oncologist from saying "I don't want you to regret not taking this down the road". Meaning, it's BULLSHIT. Because it doesn't cure anything, it may or may not prevent a minuscule percentage of metastasis.

Cons - it pretty much causes an avalanche of bad shit to happen in your body and mind.

The other day, calculating my calories, after much working out, I ended up "consuming" about 200 calories (minus all the exercise). Woke up a pound lighter. The next day? Worked out, ended up with 600 calories (WAY less than I should be having) and woke up 2 pounds heavier. Yeah. So, according to my calculations, I can eat a stalk of celery daily.

Perhaps I can start taking Syrup of Ipecac, which, by the way, is a vile name. I've never been good at throwing up, but perhaps there is a nice support group to encourage me to become bulimic. I'm not sure that I can handle just a stalk of celery a day, but who knows. Maybe I can readjust my brain like so many fucked up women before me.

Seriously. I want my life back. I want ME back. This Tamoxifen is utter bullshit. Someone is making money off of my misery and, in turn, is encouraging the Grim Reaper to stalk me. I truly, truly believe that this shit is killing me way faster than the cancer ever would. And I'm not even me anymore. I'm a psychotic bitch who feels guilty for eating an apple before noon. What happened to my morning protein shakes? My healthy meals that didn't carry an ounce of guilt? And now I can't even have a salad at night without thinking, "Oh shit, will I be able to button my pants tomorrow?"

This blog is fairly anonymous, but for this who know me, I know - I'm still a size 2. Now, don't freak out... I'm a small person. I've worked hard to become this size, and I'm strong. Well, until the bones started turning to dust on this crap. But still, yesterday, I grabbed a 45 lb. barbell to do bicep curls because the 40 was taken and I didn't want to be a girly on a 35 - hah. I'm still strong. So I'm not one of these skinny-fat chicks who look like they can't open a beer bottle. But I feel the shift - I know what it feels like to go through menopause at warp speed. My body no longer belongs to me. Everything feels different, everything moves different. I need to stop this CRAZY TRAIN!

Rest in Peace... recipe for chocolate bark... Chocolate helps a broken heart.

Just back from a memorial service. He was only a year or so older than I am. Gone. Wonderful wife and 7 year old son - left behind.

I don't want to be next. I have these dreams that I'm at my own funeral. I can't seem to tell people that I'm there. It's crazy. I see them crying. I cry, too. But I can't. Because I'm not there. It's all so surreal, and I wake up wondering how I got back into life.

Does this mean I'm going soon? Does it mean I'm scared? Does it mean that my life is changing drastically? I have no clue.

I do know that I made the best chocolate bark the other night.

Equal parts of coconut oil, cocoa powder and honey. All organic, please.

Melt together. Pour into a glass container lined with parchment paper - make it a THIN layer. Freeze for an hour. Break apart when solid. Keep in fridge. Watch your kid enjoy this stuff and think that they're getting away with junk food.

Seriously.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time in the gym this morning - hubs away on business. Lifted for 30 minutes, but didn't lollygag or chit chat or Facebook or text or whatever. It was intense. Then, the rowing machine for an hour. Let's see how my back feels tomorrow. If it's ok, I'll do it all again.

I have so much to do, yet I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie. I didn't even touch my instrument today - that never happens. I'm just emotionally spent.

My hair has been feeling a bit straw like. I put it up in a bun for the service, but before I did, I slathered it with coconut oil. OH MY GOD. It is like actual hair now, the kind that you want to have on your head. I love this shit. My skin has been amazing on it - I use it as a makeup remover and moisturizer at night. It's a bit slick for under makeup, so I still use this stuff with, what we refer to as, snail pee. It's the slime from snails, somehow.

Ok. I need to coconut my face, brush my teeth (maybe even do some oil pulling). I'd really love to buy fewer products and just use nature. Yes. That includes *Cancer Medication*. These f*cking pills I take nightly that are slowly killing me. Methinks that is not the best way to go - by the cure. And, it's not a cure. Agh. Can I just drink coconut oil every night to kill the cancer? I mean, seriously...