9 cloves of roasted garlic on a piece of toasted Ezekiel bread with freshly ground himalayan salt and pepper , and of course, a few generous dashes of hot sauce.

Why?  WHY?

Actually, it is quite delicious. Especially after my fever peaked at 105. Yes, degrees. That was yesterday.

I actually got up, showered, dressed, put on makeup, and looked at my daughter and said "I need to get back to bed. Wake me by 7:15". Hubby looked at me at 7:10 when my internal clock started bugging out, and said "NO WAY. Get back to bed." Mind you, hubby has had the plague for a week. Bad. He probably also tipped the thermometer at 105. But he took her to school. Because I must have looked like a corpse.

Been doing the usual fixes and am so glad to have made lots of soup throughout the hubby's plague. It probably helped me keep it as together as I could until it just said "Stop this shit, lady, and sleep!"

Kombucha, essiac, water, coconut water, matcha today for a little energy, lots of homemade soup, and fruit. Man, what is it with fruit? When you're either knocked down with the plague or even just a cold, or recovering from surgery - FRUIT is the only thing I consistently can stomach. Our favorite right now? Persimmons. I hated them until now. Why? Because I was told to only eat them when they're super squishy soft. Ugh. It's like the best vomit, ever. I decided to buy some the other day, unsquishified. Yum? Totally hooked. Super sweet - and chock full of good stuff.

So, here we are. Not well, but not bad. I've been skating on the edge of being sick with him sick, but luckily we went in phases to take care of each other. We're like the worst ice skating duo, ever. Nothing is in sync, but at least we're here for each other. *cough* *moan*

Yeah, the moaning. It got so bad a few times. I couldn't move. I just could barely moan. And it reminded me of my mom. From the time I was 10 until she passed away (I was 18) I remember many, many many of those moments being in moaning. I always felt bad for my mom, but I had no idea what she had been feeling to emit such noises. Even when she thought nobody could hear.

I made those noises after surgeries. Note that I do not do well on pain meds, so I simply forego the strong ones.

And during my bout with the plague, I made them. Yesterday - a lot. Hubby was not in the bedroom a lot and I think I now know why. Because nothing could really help me, other than the meds he kept trying to force feed me. I may take something tomorrow to get through my day, but today? I felt like I needed to feel my pain, so as not to push too hard. So I did some moaning again today. But it was a little better. Tomorrow, I have to get back to life, so let's hope my body and brain cooperate.

All I want for Easter is Metabolism

... because Christmas is too far away!

Had an electrifying acupuncture session. Always welcome, even the uncomfortable ones.

My body is freaking nuts. Still pain. Still weight problems. But still, way better than life on the tamoxipoison.

Let's hope that I'll bounce back. My skin definitely looks better - more alive. Everything hurts less.

I hope it does come back and perhaps can make up for lost time. I refuse to go up a size. Unless I turn into a seam splitter. Nothing more irritating than a person clearly wearing 2 sizes too small. Please, don't ever let that happen. Yes. You can call me Seam Splitter if I dismiss your honesty. Then I'll know you're for real!

Bitter apricot seeds for "dessert". At least it makes my appetite take a nosedive!

Freaking Starving

I assume that this feeling is a good thing - perhaps my metabolism is revved, but I still am battling my tamoxifat. Ok, I'm small. But it doesn't help when folks say "But you look great!" and "I'd love to have your weight problems". Yeah, it is a problem when you eat a piece of fruit and gain 3 pounds.

But, this ravenosity is giving me hope... perhaps my system will catch up and realize that I am able to eat again. And I'm allowed to burn it again.

Woke up this morning with crazy vertigo. Literally, I got up at 6, started to get ready, and by 6:15 was holding onto the kitchen counter to keep myself from falling. My daughter walked in the kitchen and I told her to get me up at 7. The room was spinning, but when I laid down it was cool. I have been taking some new stuff and perhaps my body is not quite used to it yet. Or, it's the toxins saying bye bye. Whatever. I'm still better off than I was a couple of months ago.

Wow. I am not used to that. It's not fun. Got up at 7 and proceeded to force myself to get ready. Out and about, by 10 or so I felt closer to safe. But I stopped home around 1 and realized that all was not right, still. Popped a session in the massage chair, asked hubby who had just landed from his trip to Gua Sha me. Now, it was only about 10 minutes, but the relief it brought was immeasurable. I don't think the marks are too dark, and I hope we'll fit another session in soon. Some folks are so freaked out by Eastern Medicine, but I will say this :  It is fucking magical.

When I returned home again, 3 hours later, hubby said I really looked better. See? Magic.

Booked my new oncologist for next month - let's hope the third time is a charm! Hey, at least he knows our track record with the other 2... maybe he'll get to chat with the docs we love and realize that we are not numbers, or medical charts, or a missing breast and lymph, or just another woman with cancer. I am me, my family is my family, my life is my life, and HALLE-LOOOOOOO, I want to enjoy it all.

Innnnteresting

Had a lovely weekend. Yesterday, slept in, a good workout with hubs (it seems I do better at the gym the earlier it is) but of course, there is also the regression of side effects helping. They tend to rear their stupid tamoxiheads as the day wears on. But, overall? Much better.

Met some friends for a beer or more. I had a sip of hard cider and then realized how hight the sugar content must be! Crap. Hubby was a champ and finished it off. What a guy... I mean, I'm sure it wouldn't kill me, but I don't need any help in that arena. Really enjoyed the conversation and the No BS that was ever present. Been dropping folks for the BS factor. Life is super short, and BS makes it suck.

Went home and decided that we hadn't had a date night in a long time! Went for amazing Ethiopian Food - I love that slop. And I say it lovingly. It truly is gourmet piles of slop. And we get to eat like wild animals, in public!! Yum.

Stopped off at a favorite club for a drink - hubby plays there a lot so the owner bought a round - they know me well, and I can afford the sugar there because it's always well worth it. Basically, I always want something girly and fruity. Back to my non-drinking roots, now with alcohol. Sipped on some wondrous drink involving muddled fruit, champagne, some other liquor that is apparently making a comeback, and a zest of orange. They asked if I wanted another, and I asked hubby if he wanted to carry me home.

Today, hubby got up really early for the gym, and I had planned on going but couldn't motivate. I started my new meds last night, and it was super interesting. Made me calm, a bit sensitive, and apparently, sleepy. He left and I think I managed to say goodbye. Slept longer. Woke up in a panic because it got so late! But, I am positive that I needed it. Had my usual bevy of weekend beverages - pureed lemon rinds with purified water, a big swig of apple cider vinegar, a shot of soursop juice, and a large espresso (ok, it's the espresso pot - don't judge me!!!) with coconut oil and spices and a dash of almond milk. And the newest addition - Manuka Honey. Yeah, it's sugar, but I keep reading about it in conjunction with kicking cancer's ass. A teaspoon definitely won't hurt.

I got the esteemed "Nod of Approval" from a doc regarding my tamoxistop!

Had some very intense acupuncture early yesterday morning (man, I'm glad I still have some Qi after all of this crap!) followed by a visit to my Radiation Oncologist. It's been a year since I had him burn the crud out of my foob. Time flies when you're enraged on bad meds!

We told him that I stopped. We told him that I wanted to kick my oncologist in the head because she doesn't listen. She memorizes books. Like the other oncologist who got the boot (unfortunately, not to the head, either).

I wish they had a match.com for doctors. That way, you could type in your likes, dislikes, and find a doctor who is compatible. Bring on Contestant #3...

I did ask my radiation dude if he'd just be my oncologist. Yeah, it's not his job, but he looked over my chart and though I had three tumors, they were Well Differentiated. Plus, I am doing so well on my diet since getting off the poison. Because, now, I'M responsible. It was easy to make excuses on the meds for my diet- emotionally and , well, I'm taking the meds so I am not as responsible if the cancer returns or travels. Yeah, now it's all me, my body, my mind. Om. He really thinks the pros in NO WAY outweigh the cons for me. It basically ended my life. I hated me. I'm starting to dig me again.

So, I sit here eating graviola fruit like a wild animal because I'm home alone. Well, my cats are here. This is what we refer to in our house as "Secret Single Behavior". You can stand at the kitchen sink in your skivvies or less and eat popcorn from the pan in which it popped. You can drink a protein shake from the blender. Ok, we do that stuff sometimes when it's just us adults, but really - it's hysterical and convenient.

My brain is so messed up, as is my body. I know I've been detoxing for just a month, and I've enjoyed many improvements thus far, but shoot - I'm ready to be me. 100%. Now.

Had a very hard time working out - hubby has been tense for many reasons, and that combined with my unpredictability. I nearly passed out while getting ready to go, and had to lean on the table to get my head together. Not sure what it was, but I've been very weak in the legs. It feels hormonal, and I guess that makes sense. But it's annoying. I'm trying to live clean, eat clean, and sleep seems to be key. I know. Patience. It's like when people tell women who gave birth that it took 9 months to put the weight on, and it will take 9 to take it off. I had no patience for that. 5 weeks. So, yeah, I can see how my impatience would screw with my head on this one. You can't force toxins out of your body.

Been dry skin brushing, apple cider vinegaring, detox tea-ing, exercising, sleeping, clean eating, just need to be patient. I should be meditating more. I do it simply when I lay down for bed, but sometimes I'm so beat that I conk out. I guess that's ok, but I think more mindful meditation would probably be beneficial, in addition to conking out.

Speaking of sleep, hubs is playing late tonight. I haven't made it out much to hear him, and it's not my favorite venue, but I feel like my leg muscles are made of ropes that are about to snap off of the bones they are attached to. That's the best way I can describe the hormonal legs. I literally want to reach into my calves (more than quads or hamstrings) and just pull the strings out. Throw them away. They feel useless. But, I'm not a surgeon, or a freak, so I'll leave my muscles alone. Perhaps a massage tomorrow is a better idea.

Graviola/Soursop... straight from the tree. Ok, the market. Whatever.

So, my friends in Brooklyn found... Graviola! Soursop! Whatever you want to call it. Cancer Killer!

I buy the liquid version, and it tastes like it could use a splash of rum and a small umbrella (and a man in a thong to deliver said beverage). But, I drink it in the morning after my lemon water, and my swig o' raw unfiltered apple cider vinegar. This morning, I tried adding the vinegar to my lemon water with a bit of himalayan pink salt and nearly vomited. It was suggested by a friend. Yeah, we're still friends... *shudder*

Anyway, I received 3 gorgeous fruits last night with 2 bags of dried leaves which you can apparently make a tea from. After dinner, I sliced the ripe one open and am amazed at the ridiculous deliciousness of it. I guess the juice isn't far off from the taste. I still could use a bit of rum, and Speedo Boy (please, let him be my husband - though I'm fully against the Speedo concept, he sure would look good in one...)

Even my daughter liked it. I called her in from homework duties to try it because I was so excited! She loves fruits, especially mangos and certain melons etc. This is tropical paradise. And, whether or not it kills cancer, I love it.  But I will go on believing that it does. Docs won't agree - nothing kills or affects cancer except for the poison. Yeah, take your poison and shove it up your collective over-schooled asses.  It's a fruit. It's yummy. If I die from cancer, let me die with yummy fruit in my belly.

Back to my cancer. I'm still detamoxifying. And, apparently, I've invented a new word. Bloating, hunger, extremes from elation to depression. Hyper then barely able to keep my eyes open. Ah. The joys of trying to regain my health after 11 months of death pills. But, I am so much happier, even in moments of non-goodness, compared to any tamoxifen moments. So there's that!  YIPPEE!

The one thing that tells me that my body is trying, my period is sort of back. It started like a joke on Friday, I believe...? It's still here. Still laughable, but enough to warrant the mini-pad (of course, the hippie kind without chemicals!)

I get to see my radiologist on Thursday after acupuncture. Should I punch him in the teeth? Nah. He's  a good dude. He'll most likely be proud of me for sticking to the tamoxifen for 11 months, which is way more than my initial reaction. Perhaps I should have followed my bloated gut, but at least I did give it a very fair shot. And it shot me down.  So what. I can either mourn the time lost in those bottles, or look forward to regaining ME. Hey, guess what? I think I like me. I missed me! I'm coming back!

Blog from the bike

Yeah. I am blogging from the exercise bike at the gym. Woke up after much more sleep than I'm used to, but my body begged me. It was pathetic, really, so I just said "ok" and went with it. 

I've been feeling this teeter totter of detoxing. Feeling amazing, then toxic, then amazing. The good thing is that the toxicity I'm experiencing is not like before. It feels like a purge. It doesn't feel like taking poison on top of poison. Graphically speaking, it feels like food posioning might when you're expelling the offender. 

So, hubs was ready to go to the gym and I hadn't been here in 6 days - so I grabbed my new copy of THE GOOD FIGHT by Greg Holmes and Katherine Roth. 

Why am I typing instead of reading? I need a break. Every other page makes me cry. Not what I need in public. Yeah, it's human, but I don't want sweaty strangers with their leftover brunch sweat and horrific pheromones hovering. So, I put it down until I am composed again. A highly recommended read, and I'm not too far in. It's a doc and a psychiatrist couple so it's not written by some quack guru who lives in a refrigerator box and prescribes eating the antennae of roaches. They are real people and professionals. With a child. And cancer. And are unwilling to die by conventional cure. 

Anyway, my metabolism is being a bitch, but I also almost have an actual period right now. We're referring to it as a "code orange". I don't actually need a pad, liner is doing just fine, but it's encouraging and a bit of relief in a bizarre way. Cramping. And no, I am not taking an Advil. I'm breathing and taking turmeric and krill and hoping for the best. I've done enough damage to my temple. The shit needs a cleaning crew, not just a sweep under the already filthy rug. Ah. Breathing through pain. 

Ok. I have recovered emotionally from the last 2 pages that made me whimper and wipe tears away in a place when I'm usually super badass. Back to work!