Life and Death, as we know it.

It's been months. I know. I'm a terrible blogger! I was better when I was going through the sh*tstorm of western medicine. Interesting.

People are dying all around me. I feel as if I'm in the eye of a tornado. Somehow, I'm suspended in time as others fall into the vortex of the graveyard.

But, I go on. I do what I can to help others. I do what I can to keep my family happy. Sometimes, that means lying about how I feel. Sometimes, there's no point in complaining, because it only brings sympathy, or empathy, or some other pathy. If there's no bandaid for what hurts, I'll just keep limping.

Actually, I am limping. I pulled something in my leg a few days ago, but I've been rubbing holistic muscle goop into it, stretching, and it's working its way out. See? No reason to complain. It wasn't enough to go to a doc. I did see my massage therapist who went to town. I didn't even tell her about it, because my neck, shoulders and back are always a mess for a variety of delightful reasons. But, she found that sucker and, she lives by the "no mercy" rule. Well, we haven't discussed that, but she will go TO TOWN on any adhesion until it simply gives up. She jumps on the table, she uses her elbow like a slow but powerful jackhammer. I hope she never leaves NY.

Most days, I am super grateful to be here still. Other days, I feel as if I'm on borrowed time, and wonder when it will run out. Tick. Tock.

Death surrounds us

I have been really quiet, lately. Basically, a whole bunch of amazing people have died around me. The latest was last night. I go between grief and numbness. I wonder when my number is up. I wonder if my short term goal is too ambitious now.

I feel this urgent need to get everything in order. I did have a will drawn up upon diagnosis, but I need to update it and fine tune it. I also need to get all of my paperwork in order. I have been playing around with memorial ideas for a long time, but need to solidify it. I sure hope people step up, because hubby can not handle or afford the burden of stupid crap like that. No flowers. No somber music. No body. Burn, baby, burn. Heck, put my ashes in a paper cup, or dump them into the kitty litter. It doesn't matter. Why do people put so much thought and cash into a dead body? I can't look when there is a wake. It's not the person. It's a bunch of rotting flesh and stuff. They're long gone from this vessel. They're probably floating above, thinking of how gross it is to have their old body laid out for all to see. And coffins? Super expensive... for what? All that land? Really? Why not build a homeless shelter, or a medical facility, or a farm, or a non profit building to help others? A bunch of rotting flesh and bones in very expensive boxes under the ground seems dumb, to me. I know. It's some sort of odd tradition. I don't get it. Light a match and perhaps dump me in the dirt so I can help the world by fertilizing something. Eh. Whatever.

Like I said. Grief to numbness. I'm numb right now. I'm not ready to go. Neither were any of the people I've lost in the past month. It's coming, for all of us. Can I get 2 weeks notice?

Life as an old lady in a not as old body.

Sigh.

So, I have a pretty big deal thing coming up. It requires me to strut, almost naked, in front of a packed room with cameras, video, etc. going on.

I had successfully been losing to my menopause, gaining almost 10 lbs. At my size, other people don't seem to really notice, but I feel everything. It got hard to breathe. It was hard to move.  I felt defeated.

Then I got asked to do this pretty big deal thing. Sure!

Wait, what did I just say?

I can NOT lumber along the runway with a baker's dozen of muffin tops poking out of my tree trunk core like wild mushrooms in the woods.

SO, I've been painfully good. I mean, and don't lecture me, basically eating one small meal in the early evening. Yes, I have my coffee that is loaded with calories and fat, the bulletproof kind of concoction I love. So, there's that. And all day? Water. Tea. More water. A spot of more tea. Way more hydration that usual, which is usually a lot. Some random grapes or whatever is not a 200 calorie protein bar. Around 4:30pm or so, when I feel like I can choose between passing out and speaking with the spirits, I eat. Salad - LOTS of salad. With avocado. Maybe a small organic beef patty. Small piece of organic, grass fed steak. The other night, my daughter baked plain chicken wings. I had 2. THIS IS HARD! How do anorexics do this? I'm probably gluttonous compared to them. *anorexia=not me*

2 nights ago, I was cleaning the place. Nothing major. No big lifting, just doing things. I fell on my non-lymphedema arm. Hard. WHY? Because, I didn't want to fall on my lymphedema arm and end up in the hospital.

So, there I was. Elegantly sprawled on my side, unable to move or speak. I guess I'm not used to being clumsy. This has been happening since radiation. Yeah. The stuff that destroyed me but let my cancer live. THAT radiation.

It was painful enough that I worried I had broken a bone. Which, I have never done in my life. I realized I was able to move my arm, though painfully.

After 2 days of home remedies, my cantaloupe sized bruise is still the same size, but has reached light purple today. It still hurts like a mofo. What have I been doing? Glad you asked.

My Weirdo Treatments for Healing a Bruise so that when I'm doing the Pretty Big Deal Thing:

Ice the first night. On for as long as it felt good, then off to throw the broccoli back in the freezer and warm up. Arnica in between icings.

First Technical Day:Arnica fairly obsessively. Read that bromelain is good. Take bromelain supplements and eat half of a pineapple after measly salad.

Second Technical Day: Witch Hazel and arnica alternating in morning. Make a paste of vitamin c powder. Apply to bruise and let dry. Rinse and repeat. The third application, I left it on and put a huge bandaid not quite enough to fit over it, but good enough, and go to gym. Still need to be as waify as possible. Come home. Shower, witch hazel, fancy new bruise cream just purchased, when dry, apply vitamin c paste, repeat ad nauseum. Eat other half of pineapple. Follow by salad and grapes. Wonder if models hate food or themselves. Eh. I guess if I was making mucho bank for being skinny, I'd weigh about 75 lbs.

So, today is that day. Tomorrow is the Pretty Big Deal Thing.

I have crazy strong makeup that, if layered enough times, will cover it pretty much.

So, what are my plans for tonight, besides worry?  Seems like enough activity to me! Especially since I just did my nails.

But on my nightstand, like last night, will be witch hazel, cotton, arnica, new fancy bruise stuff... yup. A racy Saturday night.

So, there you have it. Hopefully it'll be a lot better soon. Or, I'll need to find a good bulk pineapple dealer.