Countdown... 13 days until surgery!

So impatient.

So. Impatient.

Funny how the word impatient is mostly "patient".

Crap.

I wish I could go in right this second and have my surgery. But, 13 days it is.

I've been feeling so run down, maybe a little depressed, maybe allergenic, maybe tamoxed out. That shit makes me tired - I feel it soon after I take it. It helps me sleep, so that's good. And I'm not getting chubby on it. That's also a big one in the win column.

But damn. My left wrist hurts more than ever.

Went for my second pre-op (first with the plastic surgeon - just got a whopping bill for that shyte!)  This time with my general doc, who's actually a nurse and super cool. She is quite pleased with how healthy I am, ironically healthier than last time we met, right before The Diagnosis.  I told her that cancer has done wonders for my health. Strangely, it has.  Though I am wickedly hungry now (I'm hormonal every 2 weeks, it definitely is wreaking havoc on my hormones, and I pretty much have my period every other week now. Luckily it's not heavy or painful, just annoying and hunger-provoking).

We did everything including an EKG. But I have to go elsewhere for lab work, as the health center has a lab that accepts every insurance except mine. Fuckers.

So I'm going to try and go early Monday. We have a long day, but it seems we always do. And I need this crap done lickety-split. What if there's a cancellation next week and I can go in early? You KNOW I'll be there, but the bloodwork and urinalysis needs to be done. Note to self: avoid asparagus and excessive beets the night before.

House is a disaster. I'm so tired. Did I mention how tired I am? Must clean. Tomorrow. Always tomorrow. If nothing else, I can clean during recovery. Riiiiight.

Anyhoo, I'm so excited to say sayonara to Barbie, my expander. She is such a bitch. Do I name my new implant? She will most likely name herself in time, just like Barb did.

Before I eat anything more, I must take a melatonin and go watch something mindless in bed (I had some kryptonite, I mean, cereal, and the washed that down with my daughter's leftover Cheddar Bunnies that she didn't eat all week at lunch. Yeah, they're organic. But they're wheat. And salt. And delicious. Oh, Annie. Why do you torture me so, with your children's snack foods???)

Gonna be a hot one tomorrow... If I hear one more person talk about the damned weather... of course, folks like small obvious talk. So yeah. It's gonna be a hot one.  ;)

2.5 weeks...

It's been crazy - in the past couple of weeks I performed in Austria, the freaking White House, Atlantic City, and NYC. I'm exhausted but So excited to have today to just chill out with the family. AND... surgery is on June 13! That's really soon! I'm looking forward to no longer having to worry about getting dressed, about the possibility that my creative padding will somehow show or fall out, that my 2 bras that I love will not fit under outfits (try shopping for a dress to wear in front of the President and only have a crazy racer back sports bra to wear under it!)

But that will be just a memory. And I like these bras a lot - made by Danskin. I'll probably continue to wear them on occasion. No wires, no back fat, pretty cool.

Speaking of back fat, though I'm fluctuating, I've been really doing well with my weight. And my muscles are returning a little. I told hubby this morning that I wanted to get super diesel in the next 2 weeks before surgery. Of course, I have spent this morning lazing around in bed, having coffee, and now on the couch typing. Yeah. Nice start. But it's too nice out - need to drag the family out for a long walk and some sun!

Hope everyone is having a super day. I know I'm exhausted and happy about life at the moment.

Happy Anniversary, Tamoxifen. We made it to 2 months!

Folks told us the first 2 months are the hardest on Tamoxifen.

Yeah. I'm exhausted at night. In fact, I just literally fell asleep sitting on the couch. At 7:30pm. Woke up, thankfully. But wow. Barely saw that coming. Am I turning into a tamoxoleptic?

Calves went through some crazy soreness, and it wasn't workout related.

Had a few hot flashes. Weird. But that was within the first month, and they haven't come back.

My joints are way more crackly. When I twist my wrists around, it makes me think of frozen fries thrown into a deep fryer at a greasy spoon.  Mmmm.

My girl crap is all messed up. I used to be able to set a clock by my cycle. Now? I can't even be bothered figuring that out.

But - a lot of symptoms that I've avoided are amazing. The weight thing. I really have dipped below my pre-diagnosis weight. It's a real struggle, but what the hell. I'm in it to win it. Though I did have a bowl of cereal for dessert tonight. I'm hormonal!!!  (I can hear my husband laughing now - it's one of my famous lines, usually accompanied by cereal consuming)  The moodiness - it ain't a problem. I even seem a bit happier. I guess the prescription for whatever that anti-depressant was can go through the shredder now.

I am not a fan of this weird exhaustion at night - especially since I'm a musician! But I haven't had many late night gigs since I started the meds - luckily I am very busy for the next three weeks and most of the stuff is early(ish). Except my trip to freaking Austria for one gig. I'm not sure how to handle the plane. Do I wear my lymphedema sleeve and gauntlet preventatively? Do I make sure to not sleep on the flight so I can keep getting up to walk around, to prevent death from a blood clot? Decisions, decisions... I should probably try and get an aisle seat regardless, so hopefully if I do fall asleep (likely, I've trained myself over the years to sleep as soon as I buckle up), my seat mate(s) will have to take a leak and either wake me up or trip over me in their mini wine bottle induced state of flight drunkeness (or overdose of free soda, blech...)

I always buy water at the airport, the biggest bottle I can get (usually 2). Last fall when I flew to Brazil, the MD (musical director, not medical doctor) was floored by how much water I drink, in general. I never think it's excessive until I realize how little water people drink.

Ooh - another side effect, I think. I perpetually feel thirsty. That's not awful, because it's good for me to hydrate like crazy.

5 more weeks until reconstruction. I'm SO uncomfortable in this body right now. Everyone says I look great, but there are times where I just want to claw at the skin over my expander until I can open it up and tear out that damned balloon. I mean, I can't feel the skin anyway! But, it's probably best to wait the 5 weeks and let the plastic surgeon do it the right way. I sure hope the implant feels better than this frigging softball under my pec. I've never gotten used to it. And that's a good thing. Time for a change... soon... patience...

Damn, people. It's not "cool to not have to wear a bra..."

So, on Ye Olde Facebooke, I linked to a photo of a beautiful woman on the beach with her 2 children. And no breasts. She has no breasts because she had breast cancer and had to remove them to rid her body of the deadly cells, and didn't have reconstruction. So she went to the beach with her children, topless. Because she no longer has a "top".

And I saw a friend reposted it.

And that was her little stupid blurt.

I have heard some shit during this process. Free implants is a popular one. Now this.

If everyone could understand how fucking mutilated we feel. How violated our bodies are. How we've been hacked to pieces, burnt to a crisp, poisoned, and will never look like we once did. And, by the way, every step of the process hurts physically and mentally. I am incredibly uncomfortable, every day. Since October. 7 months. But hey - I'm getting free implants! And scar tissue! And pesky lymph nodes are gone! And I'm radioactive and on some medication that could kill me! WHOOPPEEEEEE!

That's my little rant for the day. What do you say to someone who lost their legs? "Oooh, no more shoes! Think of the savings!!!" Or, "Lucky you, I guess you just get to roll everywhere now! No more pesky walking!"

Yeah. Fuck you.

Seriously, I am in a great mood. I have had an amazing day, though my daughter came home about 6 hours early because, apparently, homework was not possible at her dad's house. So, my plans for a pedicure were sort of foiled, though I did loofah and moisturize my tootsies and put on a fresh coat of the most amazing bright blue mineral nailpolish and feel just fine about it (really, I wanted someone to beat the shit out of the soles of my feet... I can handle the polish just fine) But that's ok. We had a nice sushi lunch, and my girl made homemade mac and cheese for dinner.

I'm just glad I woke at 6 today. Saw the hubby off on his flight, warmed up, hit the gym, and even went food shopping before the Lord of the Stupid texted me because he couldn't comprehend 6th grade homework. And no, it wasn't difficult. It's creative and beautiful. Glad I am here for my daughter. I keep my mouth shut about her father's idiocy as much as I can, and am so glad for my husband to help support me. But, damn. Seriously???

Okey dokes, off to check on her progress again. Because I really want to cuddle up and watch a movie with my best girl!

MAYDAY!!!

AGH. I really want chocolate. To make matters worse, I baked brownies for our visit to the Oral Surgeon Friday. They have been so attentive and apologetic about Dr. AssWipe on Saturday - and I decided to bring them a present (I think I got 5 calls today!) My daughter does have complexities including hardware that is not removable, but Dr. A. refused to even talk about it. Apparently, Friday's doc is a nice man and I was reassured that he checked her x-rays and chart and is totally cool. I am thinking I will withhold the brownies until the deed is done. Is that mean? Yes, because the front office did what they have to do.

Meanwhile, my house smells like brownies to the 1000th power. I brushed my teeth and everything. Perhaps a glass of wine will calm down my choco-urge. I considered some Schmailey's, but that may just aggravate my need for creamy sweet deliciousness. Fuck you, Brownies.

I have been so run down recently. I suspect it's a combination of allergies and tamoxaustion. But hey, after last weekends little dim sum detour, I'm back at pre-diagnosis weight (sodium, begone!!!) and am not going to let some brownies ruin the fit of my jeans.

Methinks there will be some splurging this weekend if all goes according to plan and my little schnookums is on an ice cream diet. I actually did consider buying an ice cream cake - something she always seems to want and I never buy. Because I don't eat that shit. Perhaps ice cream cake with a side of enzymes and homemade yogurt will be my Saturday dinner. We'll see...