Freaking eyelashes

Ok. So it's been over a year. A chunk of eyelashes went missing after my last surgery. Fine. That's totally normal, or sort of. But why in the heck are they refusing to come home to mama??? They grow in and fly away overnight. I'm so sick of it. Tonight as I washed my face (super carefully, with coconut oil) I realized that the gap has gotten worse.

I know they were really thin and short during my Tamoxifen stage. But that ended almost 7 months ago. I have my period back. In fact, it comes every 3 weeks more or less. I'm not complaining (as of now). I get horrendous cramps and bleed like the red sea has opened up in my woman parts, but again - at least it's working.

But Damn. I feel disfigured and scarred. I'm getting a handle on my weight - it yoyo's, but it's a bit better as time goes on and the poison leaves my system (I hope!!!) I need my freaking eyelashes.

I wear falsies on stage. I can't wear them daily. I've been using a serum that has worked in the past, but nothing. I've tried fractionated coconut oil stuff - to clean out the ducts. Nope.

I have toyed with getting extensions until I realize they would have nothing to extend!!!  It's like putting tracks on a bald person. You need a full wig.

So, I've been wearing lots of eyeliner and glittery mineral eyeshadows to detract. I do that anyway, but I'm more conscious of it. I look like I could be in the Clockwork Orange - perhaps it will come to Broadway soon... though I'd have a tough time with some of the fuckery involved in the character. But, I have the lashes!!! Or lack thereof!

Anyhoo. A new cancer victim in my circle. Stage 1. Methinks she'll end up with a lumpectomy. But nothing is an easy trail in this world. I don't know her too well but we have hung a few times (she's an out of towner).

Sometimes I feel worse for my husband and daughter than for me. They didn't ask for this. My husband just entered our lives a few years before this all hit. Sometimes I tell him to go find someone who is cancer free, has 2 boobs, and can live a while longer. He refuses. I know it hurts him to hear, but it hurts me to see him dealing with my cancer insanity.

People die. People get scared.

It's been forever since I've blogged, just too busy, a little down, and well, ok, just busy!

Chatting with a friend now who is petrified of a biopsy about to go down tomorrow. But she's SO worried and asking all sorts of crazy questions as if she's been diagnosed. I get it, but does it help? Get the biopsy first. You can't fix it by worrying. You can't change the outcome by worrying. You can change your lifestyle. But you can't change the tumor in a day.

Someone passed that I had met on a photo shoot, ironically to help raise money for my good friend Champagne Joy. Death really does loom over me. Constantly. I had a dream that someone I know with cancer died. I checked in and he's alive. But it was real in the dream.

Woke up an hour early today. I think my brain is going bonkers. Been having massive blinding pains in my back. Stress. Ain't enough Calgon in this world to fix me at the moment... deep breath. Owch.