Heading into June, are we?

Well, THAT was fast! I mean, life. It's not over, but dang. How is it that it moves at warp speed and, as kids we think it moves slowly until we're well into adulthood. Perhaps it's when we can really feel our mortality. Regardless, I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

I've now been on my waking up at 4:15am drill for maybe 2 months?  Get to the gym at 5am (the opening bell), workout for between an hour and an hour and a half (depending on how I'm feeling, my cario-abilities etc.) Some days, it's weights for 30, cardio for the same. Some days, it's weights for 60 and maybe no cardio, or at least something - even 15 minutes helps the quest.

I'm definitely improving. My body, my mood, my choices. But I still feel empty. It's been a very rough few months with my daughter (the teen years - and I know it could be worse, but, my girl is so stubborn).  She did SO well and then we had issues with her not wanting to do her work (which, by the way, she could knock out of the park in 20% of the time her fellow students could. I'm not saying that as her mom, but as someone in the know). It hurts me to see this happen.

If I had followed in my dad's footsteps, I'd likely be dead. He's still alive, but the way that he functions in the world, the way he (doesn't) take care of himself, the disregard he has for others - eh, I'd have no career, no life, no hope.

Dark, huh?

Coincidentally, a clap of thunder rang as I typed that.

It's like a time release thing, parenting. It's like taking a slow releasing pill, but instead of 8 hours, it's 40 years. You just have to make sure you complete administering the medication. You have to see it through no matter how much it seems it isn't working, how much it may hurt emotionally, how tired it makes you feel. The side effects can suck, but once in a while that light shines in and you see it. You see glimmers of success. It's like trying to stretch out all that nasty scar tissue after surgery. Hurts. Feels odd, and sometimes wrong. But you keep going, safely, and eventually, that range of motion is better than ever. Or at least, as good as you can get it, and better than you had imagined it could be.

I think back to coming home from my mastectomy. I felt so awful, so violated and mutilated. I felt destroyed as a human being who lived her life doing all of the right things enough of the time that this never should have happened. But then, it did. I could barely walk, I couldn't stand up straight, the drains hurt, the site hurt, my heart hurt, and I couldn't always see the light. But I stretched, I did what I could do, we massaged out the cording (so painful, it hurts to even hear the word!) I had to make a decision, every minute, of how I would live. Much of the time, I didn't want to. But that shifted as I felt changes in my own body, from the painful work.

I guess parenting is the same.

I'm gonna feel like a walking miracle when she grows up and things work out, just like my scar tissue.

My weight has been difficult these past few months.  I'm still small, but it has felt wrong.

So, in the past 2 weeks, hubby and I have been doing more intense intermittent fasting. Actually, a mishmash of things - so it's not actually fasting in the Gandhi sense, but it has definitely helped out. And my energy has been good - trying to get to bed in time to get a full nights sleep is challenging, but I'm getting at least as much sleep as I did before - not always, but enough that this whole shift in my schedule has been really beneficial. And, regardless of the numbers (though I'm glad they're heading back home), I feel stronger and happier. But I was at rockbottom for long enough that anything can feel better.

Speaking of fasting, gotta cook up a gorgeous grass fed organic steak for my girl. I'm going to steal a slice, but am really looking forward to my huge salad and homemade soup (bone broth, shiritaki noodles, veggies, cayenne and salt and pepper - it's ridiculously good). Maybe we'll even bake some cookies. I can't be a saint all the time! ;)

Deep breath, and... garden.

The garden deadline is in 10 days.

What?

Yeah. I belong to a community garden. More accurately, my daughter does. Because it takes forever to get a patch unless you're a kid - they get priority. So every family with a kid in our complex signs their kid up. Theoretically it's to encourage the children to garden alongside the old folks. In theory - super. In reality, I was digging up the hard soil from this awful winter, plucking weeds, putting the dead rosemary bush to rest in the compost, pretending I know how to do garden stuff. I even planted a half dead rosemary bush we bought a week and a half ago. Whoopee.

I do like the garden, occasionally. I have to hit the farmers market to get some starters. Ain't no way in hell I'm going to try and actually put seeds in the dirt. I mean, I've tried, and I've laughed. At least laughter is good medicine, right?

Saw a friend who also is part of the losing boob parts cancer world. She had a lumpectomy - stage zero, but still - losing a part is losing a part. She went through 5 weeks of radiation. And is, I found out today as I scanned the dirt for disgusting worms to avoid (luckily, there were none!), refusing tamoxifen. I was relieved. I know, perhaps it helps some - but I haven't met one woman who hasn't hated this. Except for one - but she has no ovaries and stuff and is way past menopause junk. I guess I should say anyone under 50.

It was nice to catch up. Apparently her doc is smart and says that losing a few pounds is way more beneficial in cancer recurrence prevention than that poison. My clan of docs agree and love what I'm doing.

My new 5am gym routine is amazing. It's nuts. Yesterday we were out all day, and I had WAY more to drink than I usually do. I have actually barely been drinking, but it was a birthday celebration followed by a gig where I wasn't playing, so what the heck, right? I thought, maybe I'll skip the gym in the morning.  WRONG! I woke up at 4 instead of 4:30! So I looked on my phone a bit when I realized sleep was no longer an option, got up and dressed in my workout finery, and cleaned up a bit since I couldn't show up before the opening bell. Weird, no?  Had a good workout. I always do in the morning. There's something about being that fresh for the day. No excuses. I lift about an hour if I get there at 5 on the dot. Including abs. I have been feeling fairly badass, and recently when I do straight barbell curls (no 21's, but just full reps) I've been manning up to a 60 lb bar. I mean, if that doesn't up my testosterone and send my estrogen packing, then the world is more stupid than I thought. I'm making my own tamoxifen with muscles. I still should go the roid route and get all juiced and beefy, but I'm not sure I can handle (pun intended) having my own penis.

Seriously. I'm too old to figure out how to wear one of those.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted now. We'll see what time I stir tomorrow, but I really like this routine. I haven't missed a day since I started this early morning thing, and I can really feel my body changing. Perhaps I'm flushing all the tamoxifen out of my system once and for all? Oh, and the cancer too. Please vacate and never return. Thanks in advance!  xo