Immune to immunity

Well, I've been sick for over a week.

Naturally, this shouldn't be alarming, in February.

But, last weekend, after a stint as an undie model at The Javitz Center, (yeah, yeah, they wanted actual breast cancer patients for these "survivor" bras... I'm not changing careers to "old lady model" anytime soon - unless someone's asking?), I was exhausted after both show days. But, I'm used to being busy, working, not sleeping - this was different. I thought, maybe it was emotional, to be on the runway line with a bunch of 20 year olds who don't seem to eat a lot, and definitely can't fill in their own bras yet...

But, the day after day 2? Holy crap. Like I had just come home after a 2 month stint in the snowy alps, without more than a romper to wear, some flip flops, and a receipt from the grocery store. Any grocery store.

I couldn't move. I could cough and sneeze. A lot.

I continued the week as such. Until now.

And today? Achy like a mofo. Been having hubby Gua Sha my back every evening. It never gets too red, but it happens fast, and it's gone by morning. My body has a ton of bad qi and heat. Before you judge or "ewwww!", try it. Find someone who does this (or cupping is easier to find and just as effective, but I like the scraping motion a little more, but that's personal taste!) or get a chinese ceramic soup spoon and have someone do it to you. Warm up the muscles with massage (ahhh!) and be sure to use a good lubricant or you may have damaged skin. I'm sure there's some good youtube available out there - I'm just too sick to look it up for you. See: first line of this entry.

So, I've made tons of soups this week. I've been doing my best to not die. So far it's going pretty good.

I was in so much pain that I rolfed!!!

Years ago, I went through a series of rolfing sessions - maybe 15 or so. It took my chronic, congenital scoliosis and helped me be in much less pain. Since cancer, and all of the burning and mutilation, I've been back once. We were unsure how to treat me, it was so close to my reconstruction (maybe 6 months) but it was still helpful. Unfortunately, Rolfing is expensive. It's worth it, but Cancer is also expensive. Back then, I put Cancer first. Now? I like my holistic ride. So, I emailed my Rolf Expert and found a spot to go in today.

My body is carrying stress and pain in completely different places, since the lymphedema. I've never had lower back pain. I mean, never. It was always my neck and upper back and shoulders, like a mofo. I mean, the kind of pain that makes you want to cry much of the time. I've lived learning to deal, stretching, and just accepting it as "my pain". Now? More. But also, a better head for this situation.

I was surprised when I started to feel my lower back during massages. My therapists before lymphedema (B.L.) were always shocked at how strong but free of tension my lower back was, considering the rest of my mess. Now? I guess I'm like all the whiners about their lower backs.

Everything feels different. Tension feels different. I can't take my health history away, so here I am.

I'm glad I went back. I am going to do my best to not wait too long - maybe a few months, but I think definitely by summer. Did I mention that it costs 3 times what I pay for a massage that ain't bad, across the street? It's also not a massage. It's better in most ways, but not relaxing. I need to chill more.

Hubby just flew home today and left for the gig deliriously exhausted. I think maybe I'll splurge and buy us a massage date day. Dinner plans with friends and gig tomorrow. We need more us time, including our old people aches and pains! 

So many calories, so little time.

Well, my quest continues. Which one? Huh. I guess all of them.

But the weight.

The funny thing is that, to look at me, I probably look almost the same at my current highest/lowest.

But I feel such a difference. And I can't seem to get to the good zone. I get close, and then the rubber band kind of snaps back in my ego. I never know what's next in the Life of My Uterus and other things that affect it.

I was so good today. Burned a ton of calories. Had a grapefruit and a lovely nut bar. Came home, had a super clean salad.

Then, my daughter crying and struggling with an assignment that should have been done centuries ago, requested pizza. I get comfort food (as I stuff a brownie into my pie hole). I ordered her a medium mushroom, an order of garlic knots, and a chef's salad. I know. I had salad. In fact, I put away enough in the fridge to feed a large rabbit family. But, I do things. I have quirks. I love unhealthy salad.

So, I guess I did ok, considering. My stress? How would you feel if you couldn't make heads or tails of your high schoolers math assignments? Oh. I guess that's likely true for most parents. I also guess that I felt this way since she entered 3rd grade. Color inside the lines? Hah.

Time to finish this homework. As much as I want to just figure it out and do it myself, it's the process for her, not the grade, that is important. Om. Seriously. Om. Come on... kick in... Om.