I have been really quiet, lately. Basically, a whole bunch of amazing people have died around me. The latest was last night. I go between grief and numbness. I wonder when my number is up. I wonder if my short term goal is too ambitious now.
I feel this urgent need to get everything in order. I did have a will drawn up upon diagnosis, but I need to update it and fine tune it. I also need to get all of my paperwork in order. I have been playing around with memorial ideas for a long time, but need to solidify it. I sure hope people step up, because hubby can not handle or afford the burden of stupid crap like that. No flowers. No somber music. No body. Burn, baby, burn. Heck, put my ashes in a paper cup, or dump them into the kitty litter. It doesn't matter. Why do people put so much thought and cash into a dead body? I can't look when there is a wake. It's not the person. It's a bunch of rotting flesh and stuff. They're long gone from this vessel. They're probably floating above, thinking of how gross it is to have their old body laid out for all to see. And coffins? Super expensive... for what? All that land? Really? Why not build a homeless shelter, or a medical facility, or a farm, or a non profit building to help others? A bunch of rotting flesh and bones in very expensive boxes under the ground seems dumb, to me. I know. It's some sort of odd tradition. I don't get it. Light a match and perhaps dump me in the dirt so I can help the world by fertilizing something. Eh. Whatever.
Like I said. Grief to numbness. I'm numb right now. I'm not ready to go. Neither were any of the people I've lost in the past month. It's coming, for all of us. Can I get 2 weeks notice?
