Bowl full of Jelly

Or… fat.

Whew! We have been eating up a storm here, very outside of our "norm". Stepdaughter was here for 2 weeks, so we basically enjoyed the holidays. Worked out, but not enough to balance the gluttony. She doesn't get much home cooking, so I did a LOT. Plus, going out for real restaurant food (they don't have much other than chain crap and fast food where she lives). SO, back on it. Of course the tamoxifen makes it much harder to stay at a reasonable metabolic rate. Or something. But I'm not done fighting yet. And, if it happens that I make it to a year and stop taking this crap, so be it.

My bones. Joints. Grey hair. Metabolism.

But hey. There's a .02% chance that my cancer may metastasize. What? Of course, stats and charts are BS.

Um. That kind of sucks all around. But hubby is scared. So I pop my fat pills nightly. In fact, the alarm just rang. And my tummy is growling but I'm back on the intermittent fasting. Despite the gingerbread cookies on the counter. Screw them.

The weird thing, is that I'm 10 lbs. over my "ideal" weight, and 7 over my "usual". But I fit in everything. I don't look that different. But I feel it. It feels like a burden. So, off it goes.

Otherwise? All the side effects seem so not worth it. I'm looking forward to my next oncologist chat. The one where I tell her the meds still suck, and that I hate them, and then hubby gets a concerned look on his face as she spouts out statistics that are based partially on bullshit studies that don't include the women who dropped out because of blood clots, or new cancers, or just disgust with the side effects.

Yeah, it's going to be great. But, hey. I am really acting much more healthy to counteract the crappy side effects. Except for the past 2 weeks. Time to get back on it and see my abs a bit more clearly. And color those grays (with natural dye, of course… which is why I have to dye it so often!!!)

A new year is upon us, and I wonder - how much longer will I be on the planet? I hope long enough to not scar my daughter. I lost my mom at 18 and it still hurts. And I'm an old lady now. Sheesh...

Christmas!

Played a gig last night for Christmas Eve - the family was all there too - but I was in the balcony (aka The Hideout) and they were in the pews (a name that makes me chuckle. Because I'm 8).

Came home, ate pretty much every shred of food in the fridge, played Clue. A nice Christmas eve for sure!

This morning was great - presents, made a quiche and some cornbread muffins (sausage and cheese, hot pepper and cheese, and, well, cheese and cheese).

Cancer makes me appreciate things a lot more than I used to. So, cancer - you can go away now. Thank you very much.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Christmas is coming, the Cancer Chick's trying to not get fat… please put a penny in the old man's hat.

Who is this elusive old man? And yes, the goose is getting fat. Though goose makes me nauseous due to the gamey high fat content - much like duck. Well, it's my fault. The first time I had Peking Duck was in Chinatown - and it was SO delicious that I gorged on it. Before I knew what I had done, I felt a cold sweat and nauseousness not unlike the feeling when I was having my breast biopsy done - the time I nearly passed out with a needle the size of an airplane deep in my now absent breast.

So, maybe if I weren't such a glutton, I would like it.

4 days until Christmas! Holy Crap!

My weight situation is ok, I'm holding again at my "ideal" weight, which actually is 3 lbs. heavier than I'd like to be, but I have to give myself a seasonal break on that. I did have a good workout and a nice long walk today. And my intermittent fasting has been fairly good, even with my stepdaughter visiting. I think she's really interested in what we're doing with our food - I don't know if she's aware that her daddy has rock solid abs now. But she can see that we're both in better shape than last time, which was about a year and a half ago… and going through cancer and crap, it's really a miracle. Even though folks assume that cancer patients are all skinny (and bald). I hate that stereotype. I have hair practically to my butt crack. And I harbor some sort of guilt about cutting it, since I got to keep it through everything. Not that I cut it much before, but sheesh. Maybe for the spring I can get a trim.

Shopping is done. It has to be. I can't retrieve any actual clothing from my closet. And we're having a party tomorrow, so we're not putting the tree up until Sunday night or perhaps sometime Monday. THEN I can wrap everything and have access to my wardrobe again. Luckily, most of my favorite stuff is in drawers and cabinets. Perhaps I should go through my stuff and donate a bit more, though much has been going to the Goodwill, and we have 2 more large bags to deliver.

I have so much grey hair now. It's different than the stuff that is supposed to be on my head. That stuff is wiry, very thick, like fishing line. The new stuff? Tamoxifen is f*cking with me. It's the same texture as my brown hair. But it's white. It's not ready to grow old. I miss my estrogen. Also, my period is almost 2 weeks late. Acupuncturist tried to pluck it out of me the past 2 weeks. No go. Maybe my uterus is empty. I hate that every morning I wake up with achy joints. The grays. The moods. The weight battles. The cravings (specifically, candy - there is this bizarro taste in my mouth that started with the tamoxifen, and I need something overwhelmingly disgustingly delicious to overpower it). It's different from the radiation taste, which required buttered bread. This is more of a "fruity flavored hard, gummy, or other candy". And, actually, my favorite and perhaps most damaging - candy corn. Thank God they don't make them for Christmas. What an awfully strange taste and texture. But it works, for a while.

I'm trying to really switch that over to more reasonable and less toxic things, but I don't want to walk around puking all day. Perhaps it's the diet Gods giving me the gift of bulimia. But I can't handle it. I'm the worst thrower-upper. Hard candy is helpful, except that I always want to crunch it up and get another. Fruit is very helpful, especially berries and pomegranates. Not as portable, but good. And my apple obsession lives on. I just bought 5 lbs. of fuji's at the farmers market this afternoon. And I now eat the whole apple (sans stem) because the seeds are supposed to KILL CANCER. Much like the bitter apricot kernels. I really crave that flavor now. If I could get that to replace this ridiculous candy thing, I'd be way better off.

But what would be really great? If I just stopped taking the fucking Tamoxifen.

Perhaps the 1 year mark will be good enough. That's in less than 2 months. Short term goals. Baby steps. Toxic medication that fucks with my life. Is it worth it?

The age old Cancer Question.

Acupunct- OW!!!

A few points really sang to me today.

Let's hope it brings the shedding of my uterus very soon. If not, one could assume that I'm officially in false menopause.

I baked cookies. I'm hormonal. This could go really wrong… except that my stepdaughter is here! Just arrived this evening. Lots of happy energy in the house! Meanwhile, back at the uterus...

And... Scene.

It's been a hell of a few months. Last night was the last performance in a string of amazing but exhausting work. I played my last note, ran to the dressing room, changed from my 6" heels to my warm boots, and headed home after saying goodnight.

Since last nights venue was so out of the way, my original plan was to cab. No cabs. So I walked to see if any busses were about. Nope. I kept walking. Until I reached home. My thoughts and my equipment and my fabulous false eyelashes and the cold air. It was actually a much needed walking meditation. 

My head has gone through so much. Stress, insecurity, uncertainty... And it's all affected my musical performances. Last night, I was on fire. I know I sounded good. I don't know how - but my confidence came back. 

This morning, I sounded like a fourth grader playing for the fifth time, ever. But that's how it goes. Exhaustion. 

My stepdaughter arrives this evening. And my daughter and I just realized that we haven't done anything in the way of teacher gifts!!! Guess we'll bake tonight. Egads. It's gonna be a different kind of busy! Nice that the family will be together again!!!  

Back off the road to go back on the road… still waiting for my period to hitchhike out of my uterus...

Spent less than a week in Chile, one show - but a long haul out there and back. Was it worth it? Sometimes I wonder, but I did get some time in the sun yesterday and a good workout daily, so YES. Oh, but they also fed us, and it wasn't a healthy place. So YES. I think I came back on par with my bloated self pre-boarding the first 4 hour delayed flight out.

Yup. 4 hour delay. Going out. AND coming back. Luckily we found out while at the hotel about the delayed return trip, so I was able to chill a bit. I would have much preferred to land at 7am today and have not lost another day, but I got back to the crib around 1pm. Showered. Unpacked. Started to re-pack for my flight in less than 3 days. This is how I roll, though most of the laundry that needs doing has to go back in my bag, so I guess I can't fully pack yet anyway.

Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe my state of being, but hubs arrived home soon after I did, he clearly has been doing his thang in the gym because… DAMN. My man is a hottie.

As always, I hate the meds. But I'm in a slightly better mood. I found that asking myself what hubby would do in stressful situations really keeps me all zen and shit. He's like the dude on top of the mountain that people walk for months to ask one question - well, he's way cuter than I'd imagine that mountain dude to be. I also assume that he drinks more coffee and alcohol than that dude. Otherwise, it's totally him. Oh, and we don't live on a mountain.

Speaking of mountains, and no, I'm not referring to my foob… we were stuck in the gorgeous hills of Chile. I mean, surrounded by beauty.

Somehow that kind of stuff makes it all better. Because I never get time to chill.

Time to check out and enjoy the insides of my eyelids. I hope. These overnight flights suck. One night at the hotel I spent time talking with a friend about some major drama, so I didn't get much sleep that night. But you know what? Overall things are pretty good. I am a lucky girl, and I know that every day. Even though I lost my boob to science, and I have to take this wretched medication. I have SO many more grey hairs.

Oh, Lord… please begin to shed my uterus tonight. I actually don't feel like there is much to shed, but I want to remain a fairly vibrant woman and am not ready for fake-o-pause. Especially since I have to go through the real deal down the road.  I was due yesterday. I was hopeful, between the weight gain, the mood swings, the bloating - but that might all be post-Thanksgiving. Tonight it was salad, shiritaki noodles with spinach, and a slice of Ezekiel toast with peanut butter and some cherry jam. Good band name.