Seriously, I never type things like OMG, TMI, LOL, or whatever else is out there. My 12 year old also does not for the most part, though she seems to enjoy ROFL. Whatever. Pick your battles! PYB! ;)
But - today was OMG! Hubby has literally clocked in about 5 hours of sleep in the past 2 days, and I felt bad this morning. MY areola. MY Stupid Cancer Conference. But, not only was he up and about and drinking copious amounts of coffee, but he was happy. Personally, I too have to go without sleep from time to time, but damn. He's a real partner.
I'm exhausted and on margarita 1 1/2 (I know my limit!) and have an early-ish gig tomorrow, so this will be short. But - WOW. I mean, seriously. Good vibes, very little "poor me" all day, and the only time we heard it was snippets from very few audience members. It was a very positive day. Get a roomful of about 200 cancer patients and family, and have 99% positivity... you couldn't get 200 people WITHOUT cancer and get that percentage back. You know I'm right. So, what is it about this group?
The reason for Stupid Cancer, in my humble opinion, is to empower, enlighten and network young folks with cancer. I mean, the reason I *probably* stumbled upon them was doing some sort of googling, being mad that I got this shit, and laughing at the name. And immediately wanting a shirt. Hubby and I pretty much have a Stupid Cancer Wardrobe. The stock comes and goes, and I assume with the conference, they will be sold out of some stuff for a while - so check back. My favorite shirt is the one with the fists. But I love them all! And my hat. And my mug. And my cancer cards. And my magnet. And my stickers. Maybe Stupid Cancer should partner with Shopaholics Anonymous.
Ok, Margarita 1/2 (on top of the 1) is hitting me hard, so before I crumble and type some shit I don't want to (or do a face plant on the keyboard) I need to say that I'm super excited for tomorrow's gig. Why? Well, I love the artist and band, but it's a freaking Kid's Cancer event. I mean, seriously. I'm starting to see a purpose in my life here. Did I ever? I thought maybe I was here to inspire young musicians, and I guess that has been going well. But this is getting deep.
Over and Out.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Holy Areoly!
Yesterday was the morning of my newest tattoo - the one that will be least visible, unless I change my career path. I'm sure there's some sort of breast cancer fetish, but perhaps I will not join the ranks of one-breasted porn stars.
That's right. Areola-Mania.
Hubs got home from the gig really late, or early - like 3 or 4 am. Our appointment was 9am. Cruel? I told him he didn't "have" to go, but how could he refuse? I crossed the bridge from having a ripply bag o' water under my stretched out pec muscle, with a big slash across it (yeah, it's kind of rock star, I suppose...) to watching my surgeon mix colors to try and match my existing areola. At one point he had around 10 swipes of color next to the existing one, like an old lady at the lipstick counter in Macy's, trying to decide which one would look best around her actual lips, on her face. Yeah, I actually said one of the colors looked like that. Anyway, my surgeon said that it was tough to match my coloring with what they had. I said - nothing matched before, so I'm pretty sure it will be an improvement.
And I pulled out the First Day Meeting my Plastic Surgeon So I Might As Well Strip Down and Show Him My Breasts photo in my medical chart.
Ya know what? They were crazy different. Color, size, I really looked like a weird photoshop of two women.
So I picked a color and we went for it.
He numbed me. Why? I barely have feeling. But I have enough tattoos to know that THEY HURT LIKE HELL when you can feel, and since this was such an emotional procedure, once again completely altering myself, it's best to not feel pain. I was still surprised though, and sometimes the needle hurt.
Hubby got sappy as always. The whole time, my eyes watered. And of course, I had no pain. I just thought back to my mother's caved in frame, it seemed impossible that she had once had 2 breasts. The horrific mutilation of her body (I'm sure it was the usual back then) left her with so little femininity. I knew that. I knew she missed feeling like a beautiful woman. She was, don't get me wrong, but I look at myself now and think, "What the hell happened???" And that, my friends, is why I got my tattoo today.
It has to be covered for a day, so most likely the unveiling will be tonight. We're heading to a cancer conference in a few, even though hubby is on 3 hours of sleep from 2 nights ago and is probably coming up on his third from last night, unless his alarm has gone off (I'm in the studio warming up, and apparently, blogging). I don't know how he does it. We'll conference all day and then he has a gig uptown. Me? I have the option of strolling home if that's my desire. But tomorrow is out of town for a day gig.
I haven't worked out in a week, but I lost the weight. Really, it was a matter of intermittent fasting. But, we went out to dinner last night -it was asian fusion stuff, and tasted great, and I gained a pound back (but am still a sliver under pre-diagnosis weight!!!) However, I hope that I can keep it within a reasonable range. I hope... otherwise, the tamoxifen is out the window.
But they had chocolate mousse cake. Damnit.
That's right. Areola-Mania.
Hubs got home from the gig really late, or early - like 3 or 4 am. Our appointment was 9am. Cruel? I told him he didn't "have" to go, but how could he refuse? I crossed the bridge from having a ripply bag o' water under my stretched out pec muscle, with a big slash across it (yeah, it's kind of rock star, I suppose...) to watching my surgeon mix colors to try and match my existing areola. At one point he had around 10 swipes of color next to the existing one, like an old lady at the lipstick counter in Macy's, trying to decide which one would look best around her actual lips, on her face. Yeah, I actually said one of the colors looked like that. Anyway, my surgeon said that it was tough to match my coloring with what they had. I said - nothing matched before, so I'm pretty sure it will be an improvement.
And I pulled out the First Day Meeting my Plastic Surgeon So I Might As Well Strip Down and Show Him My Breasts photo in my medical chart.
Ya know what? They were crazy different. Color, size, I really looked like a weird photoshop of two women.
So I picked a color and we went for it.
He numbed me. Why? I barely have feeling. But I have enough tattoos to know that THEY HURT LIKE HELL when you can feel, and since this was such an emotional procedure, once again completely altering myself, it's best to not feel pain. I was still surprised though, and sometimes the needle hurt.
Hubby got sappy as always. The whole time, my eyes watered. And of course, I had no pain. I just thought back to my mother's caved in frame, it seemed impossible that she had once had 2 breasts. The horrific mutilation of her body (I'm sure it was the usual back then) left her with so little femininity. I knew that. I knew she missed feeling like a beautiful woman. She was, don't get me wrong, but I look at myself now and think, "What the hell happened???" And that, my friends, is why I got my tattoo today.
It has to be covered for a day, so most likely the unveiling will be tonight. We're heading to a cancer conference in a few, even though hubby is on 3 hours of sleep from 2 nights ago and is probably coming up on his third from last night, unless his alarm has gone off (I'm in the studio warming up, and apparently, blogging). I don't know how he does it. We'll conference all day and then he has a gig uptown. Me? I have the option of strolling home if that's my desire. But tomorrow is out of town for a day gig.
I haven't worked out in a week, but I lost the weight. Really, it was a matter of intermittent fasting. But, we went out to dinner last night -it was asian fusion stuff, and tasted great, and I gained a pound back (but am still a sliver under pre-diagnosis weight!!!) However, I hope that I can keep it within a reasonable range. I hope... otherwise, the tamoxifen is out the window.
But they had chocolate mousse cake. Damnit.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Quickly... Fast!
I woke up sick of myself this morning. A couple of lbs. crept back in. And, I'm positive it has nothing to do with the fact that I made my daughter pasta and she didn't finish it - but somehow, it disappeared. Curious, that disappearing pasta event...
So I clamped down until about 3:15 pm. Green tea, water, coffee, and - a few pieces of candy to get rid of that funky taste in my throat that has been plaguing me (and possibly making me eat more than I need to!) I assume the taste is via Tamoxifen. I assume everything evil is.
But, today, I clamped down. Started with a cup of fruit salad and calcium pills. Graduated to a dressingless salad with nothing that bore any real caloric value, but lots of healthy stuff. Ok, I also sauteed a few garlic cloves - my daughter was making some sauteed mushrooms and I threw them in. A few calcium pills. Then - 2 apples and a small serving of dried seaweed - made with olive oil and no soy involved (that is hard to find!!!) Dessert? I plan on calcium pills. And yes, I'm following the directions on this supplement. It's a lot of pills spaced out.
I actually don't feel chubby. I seem like the same size. My abs don't feel like flabs. But the scale is up. And I have been naughty with the chow since Friday. So, I need to clear out and get back into fighting shape. Really, it's just 7 lbs. that I would like to leave behind, but truth be told - I'm still about 2 lbs. lighter than when I finished radiation. But I ain't settling.
Ok. So, what gives with Bitter Apricot Seeds? Or B17? Or Laetrile? Man, I'm ready to chow down on these things - I can't imagine that they'd be any more dangerous than Tamoxifen - and I would think a heck of a lot less dangerous! Anyone know? Please let me know! I can stomach the bitter taste! Knowing me, I'll convince myself that they're delicious-y. Need to research more. Of course.
Meanwhile, back at Fat Camp... no, not really. I know. I'm hard on myself, but in a good way. I watched my mom slowly slip into apathy over the 10 years of her cancer. And I have days and moments where I can feel how easy it is to slip down that path myself. Unlike her, though - I (finally!) have a good man at my side. I have a great kid who I tell just about everything in my treatment. I was kept in the dark. She's less scared, I hope, knowing what I'm going through. The mystery stuff is always the most scary. She's also a curious kid. I was scared and silent at her age, and got worse with time. I think I started to become social when I hovered around 30. And, I'm still a very private person in many ways. I love time alone. I don't seek out social adventures, but they find me when I need them. I love my friends, and they respect this about me.
Lawdy, I was so hungry about an hour ago, but now I'm feeling fine. Must be all those God Damned calcium pills that are filling me up! I think it's 8 a day (spread over hours, but still... gag...) Let's hope my bones come back to me. I am NOT in the mood to have a broken granny hip!
Tomorrow - excitement... can't say why even though this is semi-anonymous. Let's just say, I'm hoping it's not just a dream. And, on that note - zzzzzz!
So I clamped down until about 3:15 pm. Green tea, water, coffee, and - a few pieces of candy to get rid of that funky taste in my throat that has been plaguing me (and possibly making me eat more than I need to!) I assume the taste is via Tamoxifen. I assume everything evil is.
But, today, I clamped down. Started with a cup of fruit salad and calcium pills. Graduated to a dressingless salad with nothing that bore any real caloric value, but lots of healthy stuff. Ok, I also sauteed a few garlic cloves - my daughter was making some sauteed mushrooms and I threw them in. A few calcium pills. Then - 2 apples and a small serving of dried seaweed - made with olive oil and no soy involved (that is hard to find!!!) Dessert? I plan on calcium pills. And yes, I'm following the directions on this supplement. It's a lot of pills spaced out.
I actually don't feel chubby. I seem like the same size. My abs don't feel like flabs. But the scale is up. And I have been naughty with the chow since Friday. So, I need to clear out and get back into fighting shape. Really, it's just 7 lbs. that I would like to leave behind, but truth be told - I'm still about 2 lbs. lighter than when I finished radiation. But I ain't settling.
Ok. So, what gives with Bitter Apricot Seeds? Or B17? Or Laetrile? Man, I'm ready to chow down on these things - I can't imagine that they'd be any more dangerous than Tamoxifen - and I would think a heck of a lot less dangerous! Anyone know? Please let me know! I can stomach the bitter taste! Knowing me, I'll convince myself that they're delicious-y. Need to research more. Of course.
Meanwhile, back at Fat Camp... no, not really. I know. I'm hard on myself, but in a good way. I watched my mom slowly slip into apathy over the 10 years of her cancer. And I have days and moments where I can feel how easy it is to slip down that path myself. Unlike her, though - I (finally!) have a good man at my side. I have a great kid who I tell just about everything in my treatment. I was kept in the dark. She's less scared, I hope, knowing what I'm going through. The mystery stuff is always the most scary. She's also a curious kid. I was scared and silent at her age, and got worse with time. I think I started to become social when I hovered around 30. And, I'm still a very private person in many ways. I love time alone. I don't seek out social adventures, but they find me when I need them. I love my friends, and they respect this about me.
Lawdy, I was so hungry about an hour ago, but now I'm feeling fine. Must be all those God Damned calcium pills that are filling me up! I think it's 8 a day (spread over hours, but still... gag...) Let's hope my bones come back to me. I am NOT in the mood to have a broken granny hip!
Tomorrow - excitement... can't say why even though this is semi-anonymous. Let's just say, I'm hoping it's not just a dream. And, on that note - zzzzzz!
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Holy Weight Gain, Batman!!!
Ok, it's sort of my fault.
I started taking the calcium supplement. I'm not sure if this is possible, but I get these spells of fuzzy brain. I feel like someone is tickling my brain with wool. It doesn't hurt, I don't feel like I'll pass out, and only once did I feel a little nauseated. But I also feel like my body is not used to the flooding of calcium into my weak and brittle old lady dusty bones.
I ate a lot in the past few days. Went to a party, and the food was SMOKIN'. Plus beer. Went out the following day to a German Bierhaus. No surprise - great food and bier. I weighed in at about 8 lbs. heavier than before these days happened. I was so puffy, and felt dehydrated no matter what I drank, but I kept drinking, coconut water, even gatorade during a desperate moment at the gym.
I know. A lot of salt, a bit too much indulgence. I'll be square in a few days, and I did wake up only 2 pounds up instead of 8 this morning, but... damn. I do feel as if I retain water a lot easier these days. Is it the calcium? Shoo. I can't win. I'd rather not spend the rest of my life in a body cast. To me, I weigh the pros and cons of the Tamoxibreak, and the ridiculous side effects seem unworthy of the slight elevation in my chance to not have a metastasis roll to another part of me.
On a strange note - and knock on wood - I haven't been having many hot flashes. I think the fuzzy head has taken over, though. Which scares me more. Sure, I save on shampoo and the embarrassment of becoming completely soaked and panicked within seconds, but being a cancer patient makes me worry about everything. I asked hubs if I had a brain tumor yesterday. He said he hoped not. Me too.
I started taking the calcium supplement. I'm not sure if this is possible, but I get these spells of fuzzy brain. I feel like someone is tickling my brain with wool. It doesn't hurt, I don't feel like I'll pass out, and only once did I feel a little nauseated. But I also feel like my body is not used to the flooding of calcium into my weak and brittle old lady dusty bones.
I ate a lot in the past few days. Went to a party, and the food was SMOKIN'. Plus beer. Went out the following day to a German Bierhaus. No surprise - great food and bier. I weighed in at about 8 lbs. heavier than before these days happened. I was so puffy, and felt dehydrated no matter what I drank, but I kept drinking, coconut water, even gatorade during a desperate moment at the gym.
I know. A lot of salt, a bit too much indulgence. I'll be square in a few days, and I did wake up only 2 pounds up instead of 8 this morning, but... damn. I do feel as if I retain water a lot easier these days. Is it the calcium? Shoo. I can't win. I'd rather not spend the rest of my life in a body cast. To me, I weigh the pros and cons of the Tamoxibreak, and the ridiculous side effects seem unworthy of the slight elevation in my chance to not have a metastasis roll to another part of me.
On a strange note - and knock on wood - I haven't been having many hot flashes. I think the fuzzy head has taken over, though. Which scares me more. Sure, I save on shampoo and the embarrassment of becoming completely soaked and panicked within seconds, but being a cancer patient makes me worry about everything. I asked hubs if I had a brain tumor yesterday. He said he hoped not. Me too.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Stupid bone density.
I called it.
My left hip started hurting. My knees too, while dancing on a gig. But that hip was getting chronic.
Normally bone density isn't checked until a year after Tamoxifen. Why? 6 months, I insisted. Osteopenia. Mostly in left hip. Duh. I should have been a doctor. Or a psychic.
Maybe not a psychic. I look terrible in a turban. But, HOW much a minute? Ok, let me rethink the turban.
So, what now? My hormones are a wreck. I bruise easier. Which I thought was impossible, previously. My period threatens to stop. Sounds nice in theory, until your uterus is all tied up in knots and you want to stab it with a knife to possibly relieve the pain. Then, your period starts for a couple of days, stops abruptly, and you worry that you're pregnant. I'm FOREVER starving. I mean, always. It's no wonder that women gain an extra entire woman on this medication. I've been incredibly disciplined, but just ate a half of a bag of organic corn chips, leftover from the dinner table. Thank goodness I can somehow keep myself together enough to do my intermittent fasting (I start eating after lunchtime now). Sometimes I have to melatonin and pour a generous glass of wine to get myself to bed with my full but rumbling tummy. If I had no self control (or was not totally vain!) I would be double sized by now.
So, is it worth it? The percentages aren't as great as the drug companies try to convince us. But, we're scared. I don't want to die and have my daughter think that I could have saved myself by popping these things. I sometimes wonder if my mom would have survived if they had this stuff. Most likely, not. But, my brain goes there. And hers will too - so if I drop dead tomorrow, I want her to know that I did everything possible to keep myself from dropping dead. Even if I don't believe it all.
What now? I have no answers. I have no ideas. Only that I want to stop all of this shit. I want to be ME. I want my damned nipple back. I want all that tissue back, as imperfect as it was. I want to stop worrying about lymphedema, and about soy, and I want to know that I can time my period to the day and know when to carry around girl supplies. Not this element of surprise shit. It happened a week early, at a party, out of town. Luckily I thought enough to slip a tampon in my tiny clutch purse that can't even hold my phone. And luckily, I decided to visit the restroom one more time before leaving, even though I had been there 20 minutes prior. And I found that I didn't have a "beginning flow" but a day two flow. Out of the blue. In a white floral dress. Luckily I caught the red sea just in time.
I'm so frustrated. I kind of don't care anymore (lies) that my cancer cells might migrate and become "incurable". Um, I feel incurable anyway.
Last week, the evening after acupuncture, I threw up. Like, a lot. One minute I was on the couch. I felt this weird "I'm going to puke" feeling, got up, calmly walked to the bathroom, knelt over the toilet like I did after a drinking binge in my early 20's, and very calmly and oddly comfortably, puked a huge amount of stuff. It didn't even bother me. It felt necessary. I brushed my teeth, mouthwashed, and was fine. How 'bout that?
I felt sick again yesterday but didn't have to purge. I feel like my body is trying to get rid of something. Is it the cancer or the medication? Maybe I can puke it all out. All of it.
My left hip started hurting. My knees too, while dancing on a gig. But that hip was getting chronic.
Normally bone density isn't checked until a year after Tamoxifen. Why? 6 months, I insisted. Osteopenia. Mostly in left hip. Duh. I should have been a doctor. Or a psychic.
Maybe not a psychic. I look terrible in a turban. But, HOW much a minute? Ok, let me rethink the turban.
So, what now? My hormones are a wreck. I bruise easier. Which I thought was impossible, previously. My period threatens to stop. Sounds nice in theory, until your uterus is all tied up in knots and you want to stab it with a knife to possibly relieve the pain. Then, your period starts for a couple of days, stops abruptly, and you worry that you're pregnant. I'm FOREVER starving. I mean, always. It's no wonder that women gain an extra entire woman on this medication. I've been incredibly disciplined, but just ate a half of a bag of organic corn chips, leftover from the dinner table. Thank goodness I can somehow keep myself together enough to do my intermittent fasting (I start eating after lunchtime now). Sometimes I have to melatonin and pour a generous glass of wine to get myself to bed with my full but rumbling tummy. If I had no self control (or was not totally vain!) I would be double sized by now.
So, is it worth it? The percentages aren't as great as the drug companies try to convince us. But, we're scared. I don't want to die and have my daughter think that I could have saved myself by popping these things. I sometimes wonder if my mom would have survived if they had this stuff. Most likely, not. But, my brain goes there. And hers will too - so if I drop dead tomorrow, I want her to know that I did everything possible to keep myself from dropping dead. Even if I don't believe it all.
What now? I have no answers. I have no ideas. Only that I want to stop all of this shit. I want to be ME. I want my damned nipple back. I want all that tissue back, as imperfect as it was. I want to stop worrying about lymphedema, and about soy, and I want to know that I can time my period to the day and know when to carry around girl supplies. Not this element of surprise shit. It happened a week early, at a party, out of town. Luckily I thought enough to slip a tampon in my tiny clutch purse that can't even hold my phone. And luckily, I decided to visit the restroom one more time before leaving, even though I had been there 20 minutes prior. And I found that I didn't have a "beginning flow" but a day two flow. Out of the blue. In a white floral dress. Luckily I caught the red sea just in time.
I'm so frustrated. I kind of don't care anymore (lies) that my cancer cells might migrate and become "incurable". Um, I feel incurable anyway.
Last week, the evening after acupuncture, I threw up. Like, a lot. One minute I was on the couch. I felt this weird "I'm going to puke" feeling, got up, calmly walked to the bathroom, knelt over the toilet like I did after a drinking binge in my early 20's, and very calmly and oddly comfortably, puked a huge amount of stuff. It didn't even bother me. It felt necessary. I brushed my teeth, mouthwashed, and was fine. How 'bout that?
I felt sick again yesterday but didn't have to purge. I feel like my body is trying to get rid of something. Is it the cancer or the medication? Maybe I can puke it all out. All of it.
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