You can't negotiate happiness. You know where it is. Get it!

Back from a wonderful weekend upstate. Fancy hotel. Ridiculous food. And I didn't even have to work! This time it was hubby... and we brought my daughter and I got to live like a Band Wife. That's not bad at all!  Ate about a squillion calories, but every one of them was worth it. Got all dressed up with my daughter who NEVER dresses up - so she ended up in all my clothes, even shoes!  (Luckily for her, I have some cute black flats by Puma, so they weren't *too* girly).  Lots of great vibes.

While hubby played his show, my girl and I wandered the hotel. The game room was great - pinball, racing, foosball, ping pong... I have to say she didn't inherit my mom's ping pong skills - way too impatient and forceful! But we can work on it. However, she kicked my butt on the race car game! I really had a knack for driving into walls. This ain't no Mario Kart, I'll tell ya that much! Of course, I was in very high heels, and it's hard to drive in them. Yeah. That's it. I did slay the pinball, but that's an old people's game.

We wandered back into his gig through the evening. But it was late! She hung out with her friend (another "band kid") and it was just fun to watch them interact. She was the oldest kid there in that crew, and she really does well with little ones. Obsessed with babies. There were 2. One was just 5 weeks old, and at the opposite end of our dinner table, so my girl naturally had to get up every time said baby cried. I really do wonder what she'll do when she gets older - she has such love for babies and animals. A vet? An early childhood specialist? Or will she combine it and open a school for babies and animals? Ok, it's definitely late.

So, my last fill still leaves me uncomfortable. It's been 5 days. Damnit. And my next fill is in 2 days. Double damnit. Oh, wait. I only need one filled. I think I've overextended myself this week. I used an elliptical the other day with moving handles, but I really was passive in the arms. I let them drape over the handles (not even the whole time) and let my legs do all the work. Still, that's really all I can think of. Other than the STRESS...

I've been talking to the people of a Big Artist. I've worked with them before, and all is cool. But there was such miscommunication about the scope of gig. And it was stressing me the hell out.

Tonight - I said no. I can't and won't commit to it. I could do a couple of months, which is what I thought it was - with options to continue as things happened. But this? Hells No. My happiness is in my heart, but the scope of this would have broken it down. I know how the game is played. And I can do it for a short time, but I can't drop my life. Yes, the bills would have been paid. But at what cost? And with the reconstruction, I did make it clear what time frames my medical needs would command, but when it all came out - the contract - I knew it was a re-cancerfication if I signed on. And not enough bread for what I would need to do to calm my heart down. And my girl, she's growing up. She still loves me AND likes me. How many moms can say that? I would have had to hire someone basically full time, since hubby travels for work too - it works out with our schedules now, well - before the surgery - and will again. But this scenario would have caused major schedule issues. For a year. I didn't agree to a year. I thought 2 months was the deal. We could have handled that - I would have come back super frazzled, but some debt would be gone and I could afford some sort of fancy massage especially for mastectomy peeps.

I choose happiness. We live comfortably. Yup, we'd like our bills paid, our debt gone. But, we're not starving. And our family bond has become ridiculously strong. Especially through this. You can't buy this shit. So I'm hanging on with my life - and having cancer has taught me that THIS is what helps you get better. Money won't wash my hair or change my surgical dressing or rub my back while I vomit. It won't ask me about my day, or if I need a nap, or if I can come to the big Cross Country Meet. It won't hug me at night and tell me it loves me. Don't get me wrong - if we could have the money and live as we do, that would rock. But I can't spend a year of my life - not knowing when my last breath will be - unhappy for a buck.

So I sit in my livingroom, listening to the clock ticking. Realizing that I really need to get to bed - tomorrow is a half day at school and I have to pick my girl up. I need to get my butt to the gym after all that damn FOOD I ate this weekend. Maybe I won't do the elliptical with the moving arms, 'eh?