What to do... what to do...

Well, last night, after much inner struggle with myself beforehand, turned out to be a successful night. Making music with 2 people I adore, at a swanky but downtown crowd party, being hit on by a famous screenplay dude (who really had no play at all - cute and nice, but certainly needs to work on his game a bit!), and walking out with some Christmas cash and realizing that I survived on 3 delicious grilled shrimp and a club soda with a splash of cranberry. And... people liked us. I'm used to being liked as an entertainer, but my brain has been haywire with all of the activity (or inactivity, really).


I had a hard time picking a dress. I finally settled on an elegant black dress that drapes and hits at the knee, suspecting that we'd be seated. I couldn't find a bra for the life of me, but ended up in my old standby - the black one I "borrowed" from my daughter. It actually brought the neckline up a bit, which covered up the awkwardness of my new shoulder pad - a.k.a. boob in the making. I feel like I'm at freaking Build-A-Boob, but it's not fun. And I'm bad at it.


So, I picked up my prescription for my fat pills today. But I'm really on the fence. I get what they do. They squat in my estrogen receptors so cancer cells don't grow, while I'm on them. Getting fat and going through menopause. Then what? What about the lovely side effects, like different and exciting kinds of cancer, bone loss (though, I've never had a cast, that might be fun), the attractive hot flashes and pounds building up despite a healthy lifestyle (other than the cancer, and - oh yes - tamoxifen)... I mean, I'm not sure about the trade off. Does it guarantee that cancer doesn't return? Maybe for the 5 years I'm torturing my body.


Western medicine is all about chopping things off and popping pills and maintaining an unhealthy lifestyle. I do live a clean life, but it could be a LOT cleaner. I'm contemplating this as I look over what the role of tamoxifen is, and how I might be able to replicate it without poisoning my body further. It's bad enough that I'm on antibiotics for the next 3 days because I'm getting my damned teeth cleaned tomorrow. But I can handle a 3 day med much better than a 5 year marriage to one.





Lifestyle - diet, exercise, stress management, avoiding toxins. Won't that make my cancerous tendencies chill out as well, if not better, than this crap? And, if I make extreme changes for my LIFETIME rather than 5 years of torture, doesn't that mean I'll have a BETTER chance overall of not having it returning?


Most home, garden and beauty products contain hormone-like compounds in them. We have been meticulously replacing our evil stuff with happy, tree hugging stuff. And you know what? We LIKE the natural stuff better. Ok, maybe I do and my family doesn't care either way, except that it's BETTER for us. My daughter is very much on the natural vibe. I wish I knew this much as a kid, but when I was her age, it was a different world. We didn't turn ordinary veggies into monsters. We didn't pile chickens in big warehouses and feed them hormones and have them grow so large that they can't walk - even if there was anywhere to walk. I'm so appalled by the "food industry", and we spend a shitload of money on groceries because of THEM. But you know what? It's our choice to respect our bodies and our health. And we've been ok about it, but now? I'm going all in. Good thing we've decided to change our eating habits, because I have the appetite of a lumberjack. A really, really hungry one. And my husband's nickname is Snacks for a reason. You'd never guess by looking at him (he has been accused of being an Olympic Swimmer, one of my favorites!) but with this more conscious way of living, I'll bet he could win the f'ing Olympics. Or at least have a six pack. I had one on this diet (when I worked out 3 hours a day), so maybe I can come close again. But, the most important thing is that I hate the thought of introducing crap into my body like that. I told my guy that I'd go Raw Vegan if it meant saving me from cancer again. We'll see what we need to do.


I think my Oncologist is going to be pissed.


Another thing we do, other than our old takeout food containers (which will be very few and far between now!) for giving leftovers away at parties, or delivering holiday cookies (oh crap, that's going to be a tough one to avoid), is we store everything in glass containers. I might have to bag my Vitamin Water on gigs habit, even though the ones with Potassium save me (reduces swelling)... I'll find something else or just start making my own juice and bringing it along.


Exercise is huge. Exercise helps to reduce excess estrogen from the body and being overweight boosts the body’s estrogen levels. Obesity increases insulin levels that have a growth promoting effect on cells, especially on cancerous cells. Inflammation is also a cancer promoting environment in the body. I guess that is partly why Turmeric is super cool to take. And it's delicious to cook with, if you dig that kind of flavor. I mean, the delicious kind.


I hear that lignans in flax are phytoestrogens, but in reality they bind to estrogen receptors and work a bit like Tamoxifen, as they hop on the estrogen and bind up these hormones and carcinogens and flush them out! Lignans are also found in most unrefined grains (barley, buckwheat, millet and oats), soybeans, and some vegetables (broccoli, carrots, cauliflower and spinach), but flaxseeds are apparently the bomb-diggity in awesome binding sweetness. Plus, I love the taste and texture in my protein shakes, or yogurt, or salad.


The Liver. I'm glad I don't have to consume it, 'cuz that sends some nasty chills down my spine (which currently probably has decent bone density!) But it's important for elimination. Calcium, veggies, squashes and melons, oranges and apples, and also Milk Thistle is an amazing supplement for the liver. I cured someone's Hepatitis C years ago by suggesting it. Turns out, this person's numbers are so minimal that he no longer has to claim it as a health issue on official stuff. Cool. I guess I should drink less than a thimble of wine. Been reading a sliver about NAC (N-Acetyl Cysteine) which seems helpful. Must read more. Brain in overload. Bitter greens (which I adore! And apparently my girl likes arugula more than spinach in a salad???) They help your liver dump extra hormone overload. Shoot, I eat at least 2 or 3 cups of arugula a day now anyway! Dumpity-dump-dump.


I had a massage therapist who was obsessed with pomegranates years ago. They fixed everything. They always seemed to be a high maintenance indulgence, but I do buy them more often now. The act of de-seeding them is kind of a nice zen exercise. Lots of antioxidants and crap. The phytochemicals may suppress estrogen. Score! Apparently raspberries can do this too. Delish as well!


I know I need to drop the caffeine down a bit. I guess I have 1-2 cups a day of delicious, caffeinated ground up beans of joy. And green tea - but I used to drink the tea primarily. I need to flip that around and go old school on myself in the hot beverage area.


Quercetin - apples, red wine, onions, and green tea, screw with estrogen as well. Yippee! I am more of a white wine person, but I can make the switch happen. I'm THAT dedicated.


Broccoli, brussels sprouts, cabbage, cauliflower and kale, OH MY! They do all sorts of cool things, too. I'm getting bored with this entry - sorry.


I know stress management is the bomb, and so hard to get a handle on. I'm the WORST. maybe not THE worst, but I have a LOT of room to improve. Chronic stress exhausts our adrenal, which causes progesterone depletion. And estrogen wins. Crap. Om.


Okey dokey. I guess I need to call the Oncologist, who I really like, and tell her that I won't be taking these toxic little fat and sweat inducing pills without a thorough a/b of benefits of totally turning my life around.


Oh, here's something to chew on as well: Tamoxifen is now recommended for 10 years of sheer torture. And many women in the trial groups dropped out because it sucks monkey balls.