Friday, December 21, 2012

Mustard Seeds in my Ear!

Really!

The clearance for my acupuncture didn't come through yet, and you can't screw around with that stuff in a hospital, but we had a session anyway. Mustard seeds taped to my ears in the hot spots that my therapist found (relating to anxiety, the heart and digestion). Then a guided imagery. I could let go of my entire body, except my right shoulder. I hold a LOT there and always have. But it literally felt like it was saying, "Hey, bitch. I'm NOT letting go. I never will." Um, that's not cool. I hope that it can slowly let go over time. But at least the rest of me did!

Came home and felt good but, well, cancerous. What can I say? Every day I walk into a building that says CANCER CENTER in huge-ass letters, over and over, on banners that flap bravely in the wind. Yeah. Fuck you. Why not put something cool up there, like "Superhero Training Center" or "Secret Headquarters"???  Make me feel cooler than some chick with cancer. Seriously. Then, instead of looks of pity, people will whisper to each other, "I wonder what special powers SHE has" or "Do you think they shouldn't write SECRET HEADQUARTERS up there? It's not really secret anymore"...

Anyway, getting the house ready. My stepdaughter is flying in tonight. Really late. Hubs is working so I have to go pick her up - and living in NYC, we don't have a car, which means I have to haul my ass out there on 2 trains. Actually it may be 3. I need to look into this soon. I think she lands around midnight.

I hate feeling so down much of the time. It's not me. (I swear, Ma, it wasn't me!!!)

But, life is good. Except for the cancer shit, of course. Just need to get that crap out of me, never let it return. There's so much stress and decision making and bullshit to cut through in the process. I hate it. Everyone thinks they're right. Everyone knows what's best for me. Well, I like most of my docs, and finally finding the acupuncture etc. division - well, I felt like I found a home. I finally found someone who agrees with all of my principals. She knows all of my docs, and feels the same about them all. If I do end up taking shit that I'm not comfortable with, I know there is one person working in the hospital that agrees 1000% that I know my body better than anyone.

If only my right shoulder would leave me alone. When I got home, hubby was sweet enough to massage it and really dig in. I felt NOTHING but could hear it. CRUNCH. CRACKLE. I think if he does it every day for me, it may just start to break up whatever hell has settled in there. It's always been bad, but damn. Seriously???

I have a show tomorrow. What to wear? It's a funky one, so anything goes - and the stranger, the better. I found a black pleather dress in a cheapie store that has very wide straps and a high cut neckline in front and back. It's not as strange as I usually dress for this, and almost a bit too Matrix-y, but it camouflages a lot of what is bizarre. I wanted to find a pink belt or ribbon to wear around my waist, and have matching socks poking out of my boots. No luck today. Probably because I didn't look. I just need to obscure a few things and did find a black thing to wear on top, so the unevenness (though my very creative trial padding went pretty well) won't bug me out as much. I'm sure nobody else will notice, but you know when you feel awkward... it all shows.

I have so much to do, but I just want to crawl under my covers and go to sleep. I'm such a freaking wuss.

1 comment:

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