Taking charge, um, sort of...

Well, after a decent sleep, I woke up to a loving husband, a messy house, unwrapped presents, and a mission.

Before I was pregnant with my baby girl (who now wears my jeans... huh), I was really fit. I was a personal trainer for years and loved it. Perhaps obsessed. Whatever, don't judge my former six pack.

I tried all sorts of safe diets, and the one that ripped me to shreds was Body For Life. It was my duty to try all sorts of (safe) gimmicky methods that clients wanted to try. I really liked the eating plan on this one, it really broke my meals down into what they should be - fuel. Every few hours. And one day of insanity eating. The first free day consisted of 6 donuts, an entire pizza, and I believe anything else I could get my hands on that was not actual food. That got old fast, and while I still would enjoy my free day - which definitely helped to reset my metabolism so the 6 small meals were effective, I would eat reasonable meals - maybe more than usual or things that were otherwise taboo to me.

So hubby has agreed to eat like this with me. So far - a shake this morning, and a small helping of leftover healthy burrito mush with arugula and a few organic baked corn chips. Meal three will be upon us soon. And I can stretch the time a bit more I'm sure. Tons of water. I just wish I could lift weights like I used to, but if I can get my food in a better way, the workouts will fall in line down the road. I'm sure I'll have no problem breaking a sweat... geez. Menopause, here I come! I'm glad we don't want any more kids (though I'm pretty sure you shouldn't try to get pregnant on this or any other crap like it!) I guess the bizarre bright side is that if I had a moment of insanity smack me upside the head and give me baby fever, I couldn't even toy with the idea. I don't even understand the new baby carriages I see these days - they look like spaceship pods. Uh oh, I'm already turning into a cranky old lady and I haven't even picked up my prescription yet! When's the free day again? Might save that for when my stepdaughter comes to town. Hmmm...

Wrapped the remainder of the Christmas presents and placed them under our Charlie Brown tree. Now... the house needs some work, but I have to work tonight and am so exhausted. My brain has been in overdrive for way too long. Do I nap? At least lay in bed and listen to music? Do I get in my sauna bag and start getting used to the hot flashes?

Life offers us so little time, it seems. But in a way, we have control over what we choose to spend it on. I just want to be happy again. I want to feel useful, productive, and not like a pathetic patient.

The shooting yesterday really threw my brain off. In addition to my spontaneous cancer crying, I can't look at facebook without doing the same, for all of those children, those teachers, families. I can't comprehend anything anymore. My brain really needs a rest. Maybe I'll try. I do know that I'm happy to be alive and I love my family. And all I can do is do my best, which fluxuates daily, even hourly. Right now, my best is apparently staring at a wall. I should try and stare at the insides of my eyelids instead.