A quiet evening, just the two of us.

... and by two, I mean my new breast and I. Hubby is out of town on biz, and my girl is with her dad.

So I've decided to try and get to know my new breast better.  Just because we got off on the wrong nipple, doesn't mean we will be at war forever. Heck, we're stuck with each other. So, here goes.

Spent an hour doing cardio this afternoon. It was tough. I just feel really down these days. (Geez, I wonder why???)  I can't even pad my bras properly, so I have to find really distracting ways to get peoples eyes off of my boobs. I was thinking of an Alice Cooper makeover, but that might not be enough.

It started pouring as I left the gym, and my pretty suede Puma's got a little gritty, but I have to let go of my Virgoness once in a while and jump in a puddle.  After the rain subsided, I put on my big ol' galoshes and went shopping. I promised myself that I'd be good with my food today - I've really packed a few on, and that is NOT helping my mood. So, for today, I've had protein shakes and produce, and a little cottage cheese with flaxseed oil. And a bit of greek yogurt with cranberry chutney leftover from my Thanksgiving extravaganza. I'm kind of starving right now even though I have eaten plenty - but it might just be the Peanut Butter Snickers in Fun Size that I can see in my daughter's snack drawer in the fridge. Yeah. My daughter has a snack drawer - much like myself as a child (I could keep an Easter Bunny - white chocolate and solid as a rock - in the freezer for a year, and nibble once in a while) she doesn't overindulge unless she's growing or hormonal. She'll generally grab fruit over junk - I recall one birthday party where she ate nothing but carrot sticks - I don't think she even had any birthday cake! Anyway, those freaking fun size bars look so innocent.  130 calories? Hello? I'd rather have half of a Think Thin peanut butter bar for 120 calories! Well, I can only play that game if someone is around to eat the other half. Remember Thelma and Louise? Geena Davis would eat a bite of chocolate, throw it in the fridge, and continue until it was gone.  Yup. I can do it sometimes.  But I have more control with fancy chocolate like Vosges Bacon Bar - I think I got one for Mother's day and it lasted until almost the next mother's day. It was INCREDIBLE, but I wanted to savor it. As a kid, we were poor, very poor, but one thing I could count on was a solid white chocolate bunny from a nice candy store for Easter. My mom made sure of that. And that was my Bacon bar of yesteryear.  One year, she was in the hospital, instructed our dad to get the exact bunnies, and he got a freaking Dog. Um, I wasn't even a dog person. What the hell? When she got out, I know she did something nice for us. But it showed me a lot about parenting. We can't always get our way as children, but certain things are magic. Like a bunny. One year for Christmas, she was sick yet again, and I asked my dad and brother to help with the tree. No takers, so I did it all myself. It was a familiar scene in my house - the women did all the work. Without a thank you.

I'm so happy to have changed the family structure in my head. My man does so much for us. He cooks more than I do, he does 97% of the laundry, he cleans without asking. And folks, THIS is what is meant by the term "partner". Something they didn't use back then. I know there are plenty of unbalanced families today. I know I've been in some mightily dysfunctional relationships in my life. Probably looking for one like the one I grew up under. What made me snap? I'm thankful for whatever it was. I think I gave up, really. I gave up looking for something that would make me happy, since I grew up watching unhappiness. I didn't "need" anyone. I had settled on the idea that I'd grow old alone, that I'd be a single, happy Mom. I swore I'd never live with anyone else again, I'd never get married... and here I am.

I guess in the same way that I've broken the dysfunctional relationship cycle, I'd like for my daughter to break the breast cancer cycle. Possible? I sure hope so.

It was  pretty icky day for me. I know it's ok. I think it's important to have days where you aren't on top of the world. Days to question what's going on. But, I have a few articles in the works, and I need to get crackin' on them. One that was supposed to be published almost a year ago - and apparently fell under someone's chair... or something. I was told to update it to reflect the now. Not tough, but it is. Because I'm not talking about cancer. At least, I don't plan on it.

The other one is about cancer. Really, how it has affected me as an artist - and I'm hoping to apply it to help other folks with health issues that stop their careers for a bit. Hubs and I are going to share that one, good to have the partner perspective. Plus, he's super smart and eloquent. And he knows every thought that has traveled through my noggin, and understands the freelance artist brain, because he has one as well.

But, for now, I'm thinking of cutting myself a little slack and crawling into bed. I'm almost done with the latest Warriors book. Maybe time to finish the last few pages, and get to my Cancer Vixen book. Seems my daughter finished and I've only seen 2 pages.

We'll see. Maybe my brain can't handle more than finishing up Season 3 of Breaking Bad. After all, it's about cancer. Kind of.