Time Flies!

It's been quite a few days since my last post. The medical clearance didn't go through because of the holidays, and while it would have been beneficial to go back for more guided imagery and mustard seeds yesterday, I opted out. My daughter was home, it was the day after Christmas...

My stepdaughter never made it to town. We don't know exactly what happened, but 3 flights were missed. There's only so much you can do when you're not the main household, but she'll be 18 in 5 months, and hopefully by then, will have helped us to understand why she didn't make it. We shipped her presents out yesterday and hope she's having a good time.

We have had a fantastic time, despite the sad news of her absence. I had my second gig since surgery, but really - my "comeback" gig. The first, I got to sit down, wear something simple, and play tunes for a few hours. It was difficult, but I got through it fine. Saturday - I had to wear a crazy costume, I think I had on 5" heels, did a fairly good job of evening out the girls (or girl +1), and had to read actual music to match the rest of the band, rather than blow tunes with some friends and throw solos around. And I had to move. Dance. Shake my booty. We all know one slice of me that can't shake... so I had to really strap in the bookend to really sell it. It was tiring. I did my best to breathe, to read music, to play, to smile, and enjoy myself. I can't believe that I actually pulled it off, but I did. I was exhausted by the end, and was a bit swollen the next day from playing so hard.

Christmas, well - I was raised to be a Grinch. Growing up poor, never asking for anything for fear of breaking the bank... getting strange things that I had to be happy with - my Mom really tried to do her best, and for that, I understood the art of gifts. But still, I always grew up anticipating disappointment. Until I had my daughter... now I love that I can watch her excitement. I don't really spoil her on Christmas, though the only times of the year that I really buy her anything is Christmas and her Birthday. She wanted Gundam models... got 3. I got her 2 Wii games (which she hasn't even opened yet!), some really hysterical tee shirts so I can finally donate a bunch that are WAY too small on her but she can't seem to part with... other fun stuff, but I can not get her nose out of the books she received! I also got her a great instruction book on drawing Anime. Hubby got her some great art supplies, fancy pencils, a super sketch book, different kinds of pens. It's funny. Being 11 but not being into clothes and girl stuff. She ended up with a bunch of books, a few games, and bizarre models to piece together. Last night we broke into her Doraemon DVD's - 8 of them in the set! And our house has been smelling wonderful due to the major cooking events.

For Christmas dinner, we had a couple of friends over and made a nice beef stew, rice, candied yams with pecans, sauteed asparagus - but our friend's mom had made a HUGE hunk of ham and there was too much leftover, so he brought it! It was seriously monstrous. And I never cook ham, though my kid and hubby love it. So there we were. I'm boiling the bone and remaining scraps that couldn't be sliced off - what do I do with that broth? I just know, growing up in a house where you couldn't afford to waste anything, even though I'm not a huge fan of pork, we will make something with the broth. We're talking about throwing in beans and greens and potatoes and making a soup.

Last night, actually, we made miso soup, with slivers of pork, shiritaki noodles (zero calories to offset the pork!), carrots and asparagus. I had a wild craving for ramen (the kind from Japan, not from a package in a college dorm!) while working out with hubby at the gym (Grandma took our girl book shopping for Christmas) and announced my Big Plans on the treadmill next to him. I'm getting better at trying to be me again. My arms look like girl arms, which totally blows (for me - I set some high standards years ago and it kills me as I disintegrate into old age and cancerdom) - and really, my guy was an amazing cheerleader as we lifted. My evil scar tissue that was killing me weeks ago is almost gone, and I think in part it's disappearance is due to overhead triceps and perhaps my deltoid presses. Just being able to put my arms at those angles rocks. Amazing what we take for granted, huh? Anyway, I'm very sensitive to what works my pecs, and I've found that I can do a bevy of weight lifting movements without engaging said pec. Really, sad pec. But the skin is stretching so well, and I assume, the muscle is tagging along. I miss doing manly bench presses and pushups and crap, but I guess I'd rather be cancer free.

But am I? Am I a survivor? I don't think so. I still have to embark on this radiation crap. I still have to *theoretically* take icky meds.

I feel like I will forever be a patient. Even when I'm given the All Clear. This shit will haunt me. I hear it from others. It ALREADY haunts me. I feel my expander side looking for my long lost lumps. I almost miss them. There was comfort in them (they were NOT my cancer, had them for years). They rolled around on the side of my breast like little beans. Marbles. Those little wasabi peas that make your eyes water, but you want more-MORE-MORE!!!!!! I also had something that I called my "flying saucer" on the other side of that same breast. It was a flat disc thing, and for years it got really big - while I went through some really stressful times (um, not like cancer, but still...)  My docs were always impressed with the vigor of my lumpiness. Apparently it's normal, for some people. I'm one of them. But it's like a false alarm, always. And when you go for a screening, part of you says that you have a bunch of lumps and they're never cancerous.

Today we went to the science center - my friend from High School works there and has extended an invitation for years. I'm glad we finally took her up on it! We got to check stuff out behind the scenes, with the animals (where she works). We petted a fluffy little owl, watched her feed wormy things to some fuzzy dudes (yeah, I don't know what they were), my girl got to "pet" some fish with the other kids there (my friend's daughter and 2 kids of another employee) - we got to hold a *creepy* snake - which really only made me think of the awesome shoes my neighbor recently gave to me, one pair being snakeskin... a lot of cool stuff. Saw a 3D movie on Meerkats, which are super cute - though I don't completely agree with some of their ethics, they do work well as a team. Did I mention they're super cute?

On the way home, we stopped into Ricky's on a whim. I have been thinking of buying a bigger pad for my boob to even out with Robo-Franken-Boob. BINGO! Braza Liquid Edge!  It's really light and helps to even out so much better than everything else I have. It's like a prosthetic breast but with room to stuff mine under it.  And way cheaper than other pieces I had looked at. I only need it for the next 4 months or so... I love it when a plan comes together. I've been stuffing multiple pads in my nylon stretch bras but they never even out. I'm so much closer now with this one. Whew.

Tomorrow! 2 appointments! I got an acupuncture appointment at 9:30am (luckily there was a last minute cancelation, and unluckily, it was early) and a noon massage - all cancer center approved. I really hope that the pins and needles and massage strokes will somehow magically lift some of this damned stress out of my freaking soul. I really feel like I'm just full to the brim with it. No room at the inn. Thank you, don't come again. Closed for Business. Get the fuck out.

So, a nice little drinky-poo from our donated Christmas collection from a friend moving. I was never a big drinker, at least after my early 20's did me a bit of damage. But now? At night, I almost feel like I need a buzz. I still drink miniscule amounts, but that doesn't make it right. I'm going to try and get to bed early, since I have an early alarm (I'd like to get up around 7 to get some stuff done, including warming up my instrument, and maybe even do a short workout with my weights at home before I head out). We'll see how that rolls...