Aw, Sweet Pumpkin...

BREAD! Loaf 8 is in the oven. Somehow I've managed to misplace (probably burned something in it and just tossed it) one of my loaf pans, so now I have one. Yes. The woman who loves to bake has one loaf pan. And it's old as heck. But, the evil voices in my head told me that the teachers would love a big, gorgeous loaf of pumpkin bread as a little holiday thanks. So here I am. Middle School. Um, I have to bake maybe 12 or so of these suckers. Lots of teachers, and you can't forget the crossing guard, or security guard, or front office...

I can't believe I haven't tried it. I did bake some muffins so my girl could - and she said they were incredible. Great, thanks kiddo. But that wheat gives me mucho inflammation, and the sugar ain't super for me. I do make it with organic coconut and olive oil, so it's not a total wash. And, I'm not saying that I didn't have some batter during clean up time. I'm not. What? You heard that? But still, a huge improvement - I'm the queen of denial batter eating. Cookies, cakes, and of course, Pumpkin Bread.  I am going to have to bake some gluten free for us at some point. Well, maybe not. I may not want to smell this for a while - it's been nonstop deliciousness wafting in from the kitchen! OH, THE TORTURE!!!

Do I seem like I'm happier today? Well, after seeing the plastic surgery team, we talked about the tamoxifen. Yeah, I still think it's the devil. But doc said "If it sucks, stop". He's right, but that doesn't mean I'll start. It just means, yeah, just because they say 5 years doesn't mean that I will. If I decide it's best to try it, well, we can see how it goes. But, that's NOT why I'm happier.

*NOTE: If you don't care about the gym, this next paragraph will totally suck for you.

I got the ok to work out! Not my pecs and nothing heavy, but I went to the gym and did 21's on a 20 lb barbell (my last weight was 30 and too light, but 40 was a real bitch). It felt easy, but I wanted easy - we'll see how easy it was when I wake up tomorrow. I did overhead presses and lateral raises for my delts, again really easy (10 and 5 lb. weights, when I normally will do 25's and 12.5's or so...). I did overhead triceps on a 17.5 lb - usually around 25 but again, I want to feel alive tomorrow, not like I had mastectomies all over my body! I also did some careful obliques - tried a lat pulldown but that was obviously a horrible idea. I did end up turning my grip around and focusing more on my biceps. And I got on a treadmill!  *Disclaimer: I hate running. I used to run and love it, but screwed up my knee.* Anyway, I walked a little, ran a tiny bit, walked, ran, for about 15 minutes and actually broke a little sweat! Got on an elliptical for 45 and watched mindless reruns - Everybody Loves Raymond (which I'd never seen) and Seinfeld (which I was addicted to back in the day).

I had to get out because I needed something to eat, and had to get my daughter from school.

But I felt like me, even for a couple of hours.

I do hope I feel a bit of soreness tomorrow. I miss feeling my body like this. Even though I went really mild, I knew I was being safe with my pec.

GYM CRAP OVER

Tomorrow morning we see the radiologist. PLEASE tell me that you don't have to zap my poor little boobie. I mean, she's been through so much already. Seriously. I feel like the whole act is similar to dipping her in a deep fryer at some greasy spoon, the oil has all sorts of remnants from 50 years ago. And my breast to be? Why would you dip her in there and fry her up like a chicken leg?

Which brings me to another quick diet thing. Chicken used to make me super nauseous during pregnancy. Well, it does again. I never really loved it, it was always a thing that I could easily not have in my life. My girl loves it, though. Now, I'm not saying I don't love a nasty plate of super spicy buffalo wings, but we all know that has nothing to do with chicken. You could put that sauce on a piece of plastic and it would be just as amazing. Well, the plastic would be tough to digest... but you know what I'm saying. I feel like my body has been saying, "hey stupid! I don't like this bird!" and I've been dealing with it for my daughter (except for the aforementioned wing incidents). I realize that my diet will end up being different than hers (for instance, the 4 pumpkin muffins she inahaled, compared to my sneaking of batter when done baking - and that too should change... I suppose...) I think I'm strong enough to handle it. Sounds dumb, but it's hard to sit there and watch folks eat stuff I love(d) to eat. But now? Well, I'd like to keep the cancer to a minimum, and maybe my body is trying to tell me things. I just need to listen more closely. I'm pretty good at it (the wheat and dairy elimination years ago, with an occasional sneak, but never a habit).

I've been cutting down on meat, a lot. I guess I've been cutting down in general, but I'm making sure to eat stuff on my GOOD list, which, after investigating the world wide web, seems to have tons of veggies and fruits, which I adore. Not a ton of animal products. The only ones I really seem to use are red meat and eggs (and I actually don't love eggs on their own. Another "EUREKA!" moment!)  But, I love meat. Grass fed, free range, massaged by angels, I like the best of the best. But, I need to eat in moderation until someone tells me it will kill me. Can I cut down my animal products to a few times a month? Since I avoid dairy and can avoid eggs easily, the only thing would be red meat. I think I could, and I could DEFINITELY afford that. Sheesh.  And I'll bet it will be more exciting and delicious, or it will make me turn my nose up like the chicken. And the egg.  But, which came first again???

Well, let's hear it for weight lifting endorphins. That shit rocks. Let's hope I feel a little soreness and a lot of inspiration tomorrow. Maybe I can do squats and lunges. Hmmmm...