Well, shit. Is it all over muscle atrophy with radiation? Or just local?

I feel so weak. Like, everywhere.

15 treatments down. That means, 12 left. It sounds like some sort of victory, but it feels like ass.

Oh, and my ass is deteriorating. So is the rest of me.

Maybe it's the fatigue. But my muscles used for my career - the ones that allow me to play music, feel weak as shit. Again, is this me being tired, or is this the freaking radiation ruining my life more than I thought it would?

Can someone please fund a study? Would anyone profit from said study?

No? Ok, no study.

But I survived a 4 hour rehearsal. Barely. I don't know how I'll get through my 2 shows this week. Where's my freaking backing track? Oh, I have none. We're au natural. Usually, I'm totally down with that. Now? I don't know. I don't know what I'm wearing, which should be the least of my worries - except I have no free time. I mean, none. If I could have negative free time, that would be what I have. I don't even make sense anymore!

I'm more worried about my gig in Toronto at the end of treatment. If the shit gets bad on my muscles or my fatigue, I'm going to see about taking a break. I mean, I have to keep my reputation as a reliable musician rolling. I feel like it's bullshit through this whole ordeal, but... it's SHOWTIME!

Speaking of, the article is apparently coming out in February. And apparently hubby and I are being considered for the cover. I guess we *are* kinda cute. Meh. Or maybe nobody else is doing much right now in the music world, at least our little corner. I'm getting the shit burned out of me!

Tonight, I got home after a very long day and night, and I'm burnt. Put my La Mer on. I mean, my pit is raw. I felt it when I took off my coat as I walked in. It was a moment of "Oh Jesus, this feels like the really, really bad sunburn I once got, when I swore to never go in the sun again". Of course, I love the sun. And I rarely burn. La Mer, do your work. Please. I can't deal. Everything sucks right now.

Not true. I love my family. But everything else? Kind of sucks ass. Atrophy ass. Not to be confused with A trophy ass. That, I never had. I just feel like someone who has never moved in her life. Like I've been wheeled around like this. Oh, and, I kind of want one now that I know this inaction figure exists. Way better than any Barbie out there, don'tcha think? Plus, I wouldn't have the complex that I would with something as horrific as this!

Here I go. A glass of wine. Please, let me sleep a bit. I'm so tired, I feel like my body is levitating. This used to happen when I was very sick as a kid - I mean 150 degree fevers. Ok, maybe they weren't that high, but I used to rise up to the ceiling and stare into the lightbulb that was inches from my face. I swore it happened. Maybe I had magical powers and it did. I could use some magical powers about now, wasted in my youth... sigh...