Radiation...

Called the doc today. Asked about the percentages.

15% chance of recurrence without. 3% with. Is that worth it? Most would say yes.

But if it comes back, what's the fix? They radiate. Maybe some more surgery.

I went to Africa on a gig years ago. They made me get all sorts of creepy shots. I had to take pills for the prevention of malaria. I had wicked hallucinations and was unable to sleep (see: any entry discussing how my body freaks out with medication).  So I asked around, what would happen if I got malaria? Well, they'd cure it by having me take the same exact pills. So I stopped. I never got malaria. And I got a little sleep and didn't think that strangers were following me around. I didn't see people that were not actually there. I was me again.

Was it worth it to stop taking the pills? Of course. I know malaria and cancer are very different. But I know that I felt better having stopped the pills. Even when I didn't know whether or not I would have a problem in the future.

Radiologist seems ok with the idea of me not getting radiation. Interesting. It's not a case of "get radiated or you will die a horrible death" (insert maniacal laughter here). It's a case of wait and see.

I'd rather wait and see on everything. The thing about the tamoxistupid is that the docs are saying that breast cancer cells that travel are not curable. And that scares the shit out of my husband. Me? Notsomuch. Why? I don't know. I just figure, everybody has cancer! Let's see, aggravated by bad diet, environment and stress? I'm stressed like crazy right now, going through the whole cancer patient crap. What if I just stop? What if I have reconstruction and have follow up care? Meaning, monitoring.

Hubby doesn't like that idea. He wants assurance that we did "everything" we could to prevent it from coming back. But, is all of this garbage in my system really a good idea? Are the head games healthy? I feel like I'm so much more likely to die from stress - and of course, stress feeds cancer.

I say, let HIM take all the shit and tell me how he feels first. See if the side effects are worth it to him. Of course, I imagine that tamoxifen would actually have a very different interaction since he's a dude.

He's a dude.

Dudes generally don't think the same as we do. They seem to question less when it comes to medicine. Did I just make that up? Yup. But, that's what my gut tells me, and I can't imagine it's wrong. Women are much more likely to get second opinions. Women are more likely to research and become armed with information. Something that men are intimidated by. Did I make that up too? Yup.

Women are also more honest. Did I make that up? You tell me.

I want my life back. I want to feel like I have a partner with me, open to discussion and possibilities, rather than someone who automatically says "Yes, Doctor. You're the one with the degree in medicine".

I know plenty of folks with degrees of varying degrees, and many don't know sh*t about what they have a degree in!  I'm not saying the docs don't know anything - I actually think ours are quite competent. But, what do they know about alternatives to what they do?

The best musicians? The ones that have a knowledge of different styles. The ones that do not lock themselves into one style, criticizing others. Yet, it seems medical "professionals" do just that. I'm including the holistic ones. Some are trained in traditional western medicine and transfer to eastern. I wish I could find one that takes my damned insurance!

Ugh. I kind of hate my Cancer Life right now. Not that I ever enjoyed it, but I've never felt more alone.

Update: after a long walk in the cold air, picking up my daughter from school, and talking to the doc - pretty much having a nervous breakdown - I feel completely apathetic. I don't care anymore. Fuck it. Radiate me. I feel alone, and scared, and if getting radiation makes my  husband feel better, fine. If it doesn't work, at least he can't say "I told you so".  If I drop dead from cancer, none of this will matter, anyway. My family will be left with shelves full of forgotten supplements and the knowledge that we "did all we could". It's hard for me to look at my daughter right now. I feel like I'm failing her as an independent woman, but I just can't take any more of the bullshit in my head. And what if I go my route, and it comes back anyway? I can't risk the "I told you so" bullshit. Nobody knows. I'm just done fighting.