Quantum Leap of Faith

I can't help but think of my mom through this whole ordeal.

I remember the times she was super healthy. I remember that she hired a personal trainer and worked out, when it wasn't cool to work out - especially as a woman. Especially with cancer. In fact, I think the docs warned against working out. She lifted weights. I think the Nautilus machines were brand new, at least to the general public. I remember thinking she was cool.

Then, I remember the times she was in treatment. Medical treatment, which happened a lot. She would give up mentally. She would eat junk food, something that we never had in the house. We never had white bread like our friends - it was Roman Meal only, which looks very white on their site compared to the very dense, brown bread we grew up with. We occasionally had junk cereal as a treat, and dessert was usually fruit. Sometimes with a scoop of vanilla ice cream, but usually without. But her treatment times meant that the house would be stocked with boxes of crappy crackers, cookies etc.

My mom was a good cook. Really good. Everything was homemade, from scratch. I can't imagine that she couldn't have easily baked cookies to taste like the crap ones she started to buy. In fact, I know she could. This woman could make a pizza crust from scratch, toss it in the air like any respected pizza dude (back in those days, they all did that where we were from!) and make a homemade sauce for it, too.

I know treatment makes one tired. I'm tired just thinking about it. The mental exhaustion that goes along with cancer is one that is rarely addressed. It is usually associated with meds and treatment. Well, I am awaiting radiation and I feel like I could sleep 24/7. My last expander fill was weeks ago. So what do I have to blame for my exhaustion? Exactly.

If I didn't have my hubby or girl, I'd be following in my mom's footsteps. Perhaps if I weren't so vain as well. I just want to sleep as much as possible, eat bullshit "food", and cry. But I don't. Because I can't.

But it brings my brain to treatment. If I didn't have all of this anxiety about treatment, I would be better. I would take my health into my own hands more responsibly, instead of giving up in my head. I figure, if they're going to poison me, what does it matter, if I buy organic foods? Why can't I eat some fucking Nutter Butters for breakfast? And by some, I mean a box.

I think for some, conventional medicine is good because they live this way anyway, so perhaps it's some sort of improvement. For someone like me, is it hindering progress? I feel as if I would be much more myself, better than me, without the questioning. Without feeling defeated by the bullshit medical community that our country offers. There should be more to healthcare than profit for big drug companies. There's no Health or Care in that, as I see.

This shit makes me want to move my family to some small village in the mountains, raise our own food away from the industrial world, live simply. If I die from cancer, I won't even know it. I guess if that's what we're going to do, I should work on my sewing skills. And my sowing skills.

Likely, this will not happen. So I need to figure out a way to get ME back. I'm tired of the docs knowing what's best for me. And I'm scared so I go along with it all. They only know what medical school taught them. They know what these big conventions tell them. They know what the drug manufacturers sell them. I'm amazed that I was able to get an acupuncturist through the hospital. It's temporary, as it seems, through treatment (not including the 5-10 years of meds prescribed, as far as I know). Why the slice of humanity, hospital people? Why are you allowing people to access holistic care in your barbaric system? Is it to shut people like me up? Is it to say that you DO support holistic care as well? I'm thankful for the access, and I really like my acupuncturist. But it really seems to not fit into the whole vibe that is being sold to us all.

I wish I could see 10 years into the future. I wish I could see options - what I would be if I go through all this shit, and what I would be without. If someone could hook up a time machine for me, that would be swell.  Quantum Leaping into the future me would be super if we could control it more. Ziggy? Al? Hello???

I did call a holistic oncologist today. They don't accept any insurance, but hey - the initial visit is just over $1000. I'm sure that insurance refuses to pay for health Care because people might actually get better without poisons that seem to be so important to the industry.

I wish I didn't feel alone. I wish my husband would pretend to be interested in alternatives to what the docs tell us is the ONLY answer to heal. I wish he would support me in the ways that I assumed he would. But, as in The Four Agreements, of course I should assume nothing. So, I guess I'm alone. And I have the choice to stand strong here, or cave. I see why my mother caved. I see why she died.