Wow. What a day. Up at 6 after moving furniture the night before and getting a whopping 5 hours of sleep. Practice my craft, get my kiddo up and ready for school, sequester the cats in the bathroom so the workmen don't hurt them (and vice versa, naturally!), work for 9 hours, then to a rehearsal, then to a freakout match with ex-hubby. Apparently, he is still an ass.
I finally got a chance to enjoy a yogurt, move some furniture back, reassure the cats that they will not have to live in the bathroom, and scream in my isolation booth. Next, a glass of wine. And, no doubt, another restless night before my 6am alarm. This will happen until late Saturday night.
I still haven't heard back about the genetic testing. I still feel like I live in a dark hole inside my brain, emerging to work like crazy, be supermom, be distracted, just to lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling, *hoping* that I will wake up in the morning instead of being consumed by cancer and dying in my sleep. I know, stupid. But, it's how I feel.
I've had fantasies of using Cancer as my excuse for everything. Bump into someone on the street by accident? "Oh, I'm sorry. I have cancer. I can't help it" - can't hear what someone says? "Sorry, my hearing isn't the same since my cancer diagnosis" - late for an appointment? "Boy, this cancer really gets in the way of being punctual" - get angry at someone for no reason and start yelling at them? - "sheesh, sorry you had to see that. My cancer rage is really out of control these days"... and so on.
But I don't do it. I do joke with hubby as we walk down the street and stuff happens. I tell him he should use it, too. It's just as easy to proclaim, "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, I didn't see you standing there. My wife's cancer really has affected my depth perception". This could really take on a life of it's own.
But there it is. Living a life inside my body. I sometimes get the heebie jeebies thinking about it. It's like a parasite, feeding off of me. Wish I'd gotten a tapeworm instead. At least then I could stress eat and it wouldn't go to my middle! Damn, what I wouldn't do for some cake right about now.
But here I am. With cancer. And a cancerous ex-husband. And a wonderful current husband. And a lovely daughter. I feel for her, she has to spend time with her dad, and he's just toxic. He teaches her to lie to me. He lets her fail in school. I wish I could take her away from him - and he has asked time and again if he should give me full custody since our divorce - which is what I have wanted all along, but then he chickens out and denies it. He also says he's going to move to Europe. Um, he has no money, at least - none to pay child support at it's lowest rate (for an unemployed dad). Europe is always very expensive when I go on business. But then again, he lives in Denial. He thinks everything bad in his life is my fault. Shit, I was a newborn when he was our daughter's age. I had never heard of most of the things that he partook of illegally until I met him and he had to explain (after we were married and pregnant) what those things were. If I had known earlier, I wouldn't have stayed. But then I wouldn't have my girl. And that would suck. It always amazes me that he blames me for all sorts of shit that happened before I ever met him. Must be nice to have a scapegoat for everything.
Oh, Karma... where the hell are you? And why did I get the cancer? I'm not perfect, but crap - I could give you a list of folks who are begging for it. In fact, I mentioned to hubby that my ex is probably jealous of my cancer. Always the victim. No matter, I'm sure he's using my cancer as his excuse in lots of scenarios.... HOLY SHIT! He's using our game, the one where we joke about using it as an excuse for everything.
Wow, maybe he's smarter than I thought. Sorry, I'm just not thinking clearly anymore. It's the cancer...
ps. Did I mention that he forgot to pick her up from school today? I ran over to hang with her and see what would happen, and when I mentioned that he was supposed to pick her up, she sighed and said "oh wow. Dad forgot me. What a shock", and I really don't want my kid to grow up like that, but there it is. I did win Cool Mom points with her friends, so there's something!
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