"Not Fair"

No, I didn't say it. Well, yeah, I think it and probably have, but my ex-husband actually emailed that it was not fair that he would have to watch our daughter sometimes while both hubby and I are working in the next few weeks before my surgery.

Mind you, it's not a lot. 3-4 nights a week. Usually he watches her less, but we have a busy schedule.

Plus, he doesn't have to support himself. Or, apparently, pay child support.

So, I laugh at his "not fair" view of his world. A world where, at 50 years old, he doesn't have to work, his bills are paid, I have no idea what he does all day but certainly he does not clean his home or do much constructive work. Doesn't cook, according to my daughter (that's the grandparent's job). He used to cook when we were together - once in a while, but a man who "can't cook" and a George Foreman grill are magic. And, how hard is it to cook eggs, make a salad, cook pasta? I mean, really. My daughter can cook quite a few dishes at 11 years old. And she can clean up the house (with a lot of coaxing, but she CAN - and she goes to school all day!)

Anyway, my violin ain't playing for that pathetic slob, but I'm still very upset. I'm looking at canceling a lot of really good work - work I NEED for many reasons - financial, career sustainability, and sanity.

But they're not worth my daughter's well being.

She drew some very telling illustrations last week, of family members. Hubby and I had really nice ones, we're fun, we like things she likes, we are kind, we are hard working (cons were that we like healthy food - but she does too! I think she was looking for something to write).  Her dad? Doesn't like things she likes. Is "sort of " hard working. Forgets to pick her up at school. I saw right through it. Crying for help. But afraid to ask. What do we do with that? I know she knows that we are here for her, that we don't judge. As long as she tells the truth - we can work everything out. She is becoming clear that lying is really the way to get in trouble in this house. But, that's how her dad lives, so I can see her conflict.  She can do anything there. She gets what she wants. She can be a sloth watching tv round the clock and when we have her, we have no time to play - because we're catching up on homework so she doesn't fail. But dad doesn't get that, he was kicked out of high school. And look at the success he is!!!

So, I have cancer. I'm trying to gear up for this surgery and some very challenging work ahead of me - it will be emotional and I'll have to try and not cry. In fact, a song I heard for one show talks about breast cancer in a lyric. I started bawling when I heard it, and I was on the street!

But, poor ex husband. It's not fair for him at all. It's not fair that he doesn't have fucking BALL CANCER.

Fuck him.

My child is sacred to me. He doesn't live like we do. He doesn't get it. If I have to cancel all of this work we will suffer financially, my head will really suffer from the loss of work, my premature disappearance from "the scene", but in the long run - she is my baby. She is more important than anything. If we drop way into debt over this, but she feels safe, that's what we will do.

Someone suggested to me that we have musician friends hold a concert to raise some cash for my recovery time - we're really going to be hurting for a while since I won't be able to do what I do for many months after. At first I didn't think it was "me", but hubby and I thought maybe he could do something with friends from both sides. I'm worried about it, the financial toll. I say I'm not, but that's a lie. I have stashed away from good jobs, but I worry that it will hurt us in the future. I guess we'll sort it out. But it sucks to worry about stuff like this, when I know my ex is suffering so.

And as I wield my sword of sarcasm, I realize how much he hurts me. And I shouldn't let him. If you know him, you can probably understand a tiny bit of my pain. Hubby said he wants to call him and talk, and I advised him to record the conversation. There is a reason I only email with him - he is a pathological liar and at least I have proof, though his writing abilities are at best at a 2nd grade level. And I'm not kidding or being mean. It's true, and sad. Sometimes I have to reword what he wrote and ask him if that is what he meant. Seriously.

Anyway, I get my baby girl back in an hour or so - and I have been procrastinating so much on what needs to be done around the house. Something tells me I will not get much done, but of course I hear that voice in the back of my head that says I will have tons of time after October 24.  That seems fair!