Uncomfortably Numb

Everything hurts. My gums are swollen and bleeding - just did some oil pulling to hopefully help (feels better already) but this tamoxishit is really killing me. Why else would my gums be like this? I am going to see my dentist on Friday. And if they say "Stop taking this shit", I won't blink twice.

I really look at the pro's and con's of this crap and think - why the fuck am I taking this again?

Pros- Not much, other than to keep my oncologist from saying "I don't want you to regret not taking this down the road". Meaning, it's BULLSHIT. Because it doesn't cure anything, it may or may not prevent a minuscule percentage of metastasis.

Cons - it pretty much causes an avalanche of bad shit to happen in your body and mind.

The other day, calculating my calories, after much working out, I ended up "consuming" about 200 calories (minus all the exercise). Woke up a pound lighter. The next day? Worked out, ended up with 600 calories (WAY less than I should be having) and woke up 2 pounds heavier. Yeah. So, according to my calculations, I can eat a stalk of celery daily.

Perhaps I can start taking Syrup of Ipecac, which, by the way, is a vile name. I've never been good at throwing up, but perhaps there is a nice support group to encourage me to become bulimic. I'm not sure that I can handle just a stalk of celery a day, but who knows. Maybe I can readjust my brain like so many fucked up women before me.

Seriously. I want my life back. I want ME back. This Tamoxifen is utter bullshit. Someone is making money off of my misery and, in turn, is encouraging the Grim Reaper to stalk me. I truly, truly believe that this shit is killing me way faster than the cancer ever would. And I'm not even me anymore. I'm a psychotic bitch who feels guilty for eating an apple before noon. What happened to my morning protein shakes? My healthy meals that didn't carry an ounce of guilt? And now I can't even have a salad at night without thinking, "Oh shit, will I be able to button my pants tomorrow?"

This blog is fairly anonymous, but for this who know me, I know - I'm still a size 2. Now, don't freak out... I'm a small person. I've worked hard to become this size, and I'm strong. Well, until the bones started turning to dust on this crap. But still, yesterday, I grabbed a 45 lb. barbell to do bicep curls because the 40 was taken and I didn't want to be a girly on a 35 - hah. I'm still strong. So I'm not one of these skinny-fat chicks who look like they can't open a beer bottle. But I feel the shift - I know what it feels like to go through menopause at warp speed. My body no longer belongs to me. Everything feels different, everything moves different. I need to stop this CRAZY TRAIN!