Yeah, yeah. I'm aware that I am aware. But, becoming aware of your limitations when it comes to a "new limit", in my case, surgery and all of the bells and whistles that come attached, that's different.
Yesterday was a good day. Every day has the same challenges - looking at myself and realizing it's not a nightmare. Deciding to accept the nightmarish vision in the mirror, and trying to believe that it will one day be better. But also, waking up and going to sleep are huge challenges. Laying down is necessary, my body needs to rest completely. But it hurts initially. Who knows, maybe it is uncomfortable all night but I'm knocked out and exhausted enough to ignore it and sleep a little. Getting up in the morning is torture - it's probably the biggest reminder that I have/had cancer, that I had surgery, and that I am nowhere near done with this awful process. Some mornings are really tough - sometimes I can't sit up. Some mornings I have to, so I do. It helps if hubby is awake so he can support my back and act as a forklift. I am getting more pins and needles on the fake side, more in the evening/night - I guess that's a sign that a few nerves are waking up and pissed off. Which is good. But really, really uncomfortable to me. Not really pain, but literally it feels like an untrained acupuncturist is putting random needles in me, hoping to hit a tsubo. And last night I had a sensation like a turkey pop up timer was put in me. It was constant for a while. Long enough for me to think about how much this whole thing sucks again.
But it was still a good day. I walked with hubby to his haircut appointment, and then dared to roam alone. I walked up a few blocks, spied a very small farmers market, walked through as if I had 2 breasts of my own (I think that nobody suspected!!! Let's hear it for my acting experience working for me in real life, hah!) and then walked to Marshalls to browse. I actually found a few pair of shoes (Seriously, I can't really try on clothes now!) but declined to purchase, even though they were really inexpensive - I didn't really want to stand in line holding 2 shoe boxes. I guess that breast cancer is also a money saver (unless you online shop, like me!) Met with hubby and his adorable new hair, and had a little time before picking up my girl. So we stopped into a thrift store, and SCORED BIG. I got an amazing dress, my size, for $15 that would have clocked in about $300 new - it screams me - it's my favorite flower - gorgeously crafted and very retro styled. Tried it on at home with a lot of silent screaming and help from my man, and it's PERFECT! Now I just need my boobs to match before I wear it. Hubby found an amazing blazer that needs some tailoring, but simply gorgeous. I also nabbed a black sweater that I love - a girl can never have too many black sweaters! I think all in all we dropped under $30 - could be wrong, but anyway - we totally win. I love a good bargain!!!
Went for my girl - she volunteers at her old grade school on Fridays. Basically, as far as I know, she helps to herd the cats at afterschool. Of course, by cats, I mean the children. I need to explain about my girl a little - she was a superstar at her school, among the teachers and staff. To know her is to believe in magic. She's certainly not a straight A student, or a kiss-ass kid, not a brown noser, and in fact, she needs tons of help to get through the day. It's her aura, her vibe, her intention, that everyone loves. She's magic. And all the things that are shortcomings right now are being worked on. You can learn a lot of things, but you can't learn to have a sparkling core. That, you are born with. Yay! I made her!!! :)
She went to a school dance, hubs took her while I visited with a great friend. A new friend - but you know when you meet someone and you know you will be friends for life - it all just clicks. You instantly love this person and want nothing but the best for them, always. That was needed, a chance to sit and just chat like I wasn't being stuck by some phantom quacupuncturist, chat like life was normal.
I guess this is my new normal.
Hubby cooked up some ridiculous dinner - filet mignon with garlic, and spinach salad. That man can COOK. I think I'm losing my cooking skills since he moved in, but I'm not really mad about it.
Went to sleep at a fairly decent time, hubs went to work late, and I never heard him come home. Felt awful, he had about 2 hours sleep I'm guessing before hitting the road at dawn for a gig far away. Me? I slept. I did wake up to stop the extra alarm we had set just in case. But I woke up and realized, I had a decent sleep! Had a breakfast of cottage cheese, flaxseed oil and strawberries, a cup of coffee, 2 glasses of water, a cup of kombucha... and then after some contemplation, I picked up my instrument. I warmed up gently, softly, and without any kind of pressure on me to sound good. Guess what? I sounded like me! It was hard as hell, I have no range, at least I couldn't try because that might screw with everything... I did stop when my chest hurt a little, that is a lot of deep breathing. So now, after 2 advil, I am dressed in gym clothes. I may just take up that invitation from my docs to go sit on a bike and ride like a fragile old lady for a bit. I may even try the red light therapy for my skin health - I did a lot of research on it (heck, I have time these days for such foolishness!) and it is good. Maybe a short session to see how I feel about it.
I'm not going to lie. I'm scared to leave home without my man. PTSD? Who knows. I'm afraid of irrational things. Like people bumping into my arm. It's ok, I was bumped yesterday and I instinctively braced my arm, so it didn't affect my pec much. It didn't hurt but it freaked my brain a little. I'm well nourished so I have no reason to pass out and fall. My coordination is good. I'm cautious. So I think I should haul it out there. Even if I pedal like granny for 10 minutes, that's progress.
We also noticed a new takeout massage joint nearby. I think it was $38 for reflexology - not sure how long, but I think I deserve to check it out. I know how much my body craves a massage. This is the closest I'll be able to get for a long time, other than a massage chair or hubby rubbing my back while I sit awkwardly in front of him. We'll see how brave I feel. Yesterday I was brave enough to enter and browse a busy store all by myself.
The first step is putting on my sneakers. Here goes...
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