I'm BAAAAACK!

Woke up this morning to rehearse Easter music with Hubby (our first churchy gig together!) and then went to the gym before errands, an interview (in which no mention of my cancer was uttered - did they not do their research, or did they want it to be centered around me as a musician?)

When hubby came back home after my phone interview and his appointment with the Tax Man, he said that I looked like myself again. Meaning, my arms. I really have been feeling disappointed in the muscle atrophy, in addition to the battle of the bulge. As of yesterday morning, I almost made it to my pre-cancer stress weight (and gained back 2 due to an unfortunate meeting with my daughter's cereal late at night, but that will work it's way out). But, hitting the gym hard again... even thought certain exercises are outlawed or modified enough to feel worthless, has paid off. And what I can do? I push myself. A lot. My arms are starting to show an actual shape again, instead of 2 overstuffed sausages hanging out at the Deli. I have deltoids! And other stuff, but the delts are what I missed most. I'm not 100% back, but just seeing them is like the first rays of sunlight after a storm.

I also have to pack - headed to the far east on Tuesday. For 2 shows. Back late Sunday. That means we have 3 days there, two different locations, travel in between. Methinks we won't see much, but do I care? Not really. I eagerly anticipate having 2 great shows, getting some interesting things at the airport shops, and coming back to my family. I always missed my daughter when I was on the road, but I never had a man to miss. Yes, I had boyfriends, but it was always a relief to leave. Now? I can't stand the thought, but work is necessary and enjoyable, and I know that everything is taken care of.

Oh, and I had my first HOT FLASH! Whoopee!!!

Tamoxithin

I promised hubby that I would post about Tamoxifen.

I've now popped 10 pills and have lost about 3 pounds.

This has NOT been an effortless weight loss, but my fear of this medication has made me really buckle down on what I know.

What has been so helpful is Intermittent Fasting. I am a former personal trainer, and I would train hard, 6 days a week, eat every few hours, and had a 16% body fat when I was pregnant. I looked more male than female at times (pretty sure my estrogen was in a cancer-free-safety-zone back then!).  My life is different now. Very Different.

It's only been 10 days. But the hardest part is the first 2 months, from what everyone says. I think if I had taken the tamoxifen under the Nasty Oncologist, I would have ballooned, I would be depressed, all the other crap that I was told it would do to me. But, now that I've reset my brain, I refuse to gain weight, which takes a lot of effort (lots of gym time and diet watching). I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to let a blood clot go to my brain and kill me. I refuse to feel my joints ache. I can't say that these things won't effect me in the future, but I'm doing my best to avoid it. I'm doing my best to tell my brain that I will not only be ok, but I will actually be better. Thus, our new name for the "wonder drug".  We joke that everyone should take it. Lucky me!

So there's that.

Just had a gig confirmed overseas. I'm thrilled for the work, but am now scrambling for child care, as hubby is very busy that week too. And ex hubby and his family are going to be on vacation. I do joke that he really needs a vacation, dodging child support is hard work. But, it is what it is. I can't change him. I can just be sure that I we live the way we should. So here we are, scrambling for child care. Out of 5 nights needed, we managed to change hubbys travel plans (so he'll lose one day of work), got one night covered, so there's only 3 left. Please cross your fingers that we have it all squared away ASAP.

I'm so grateful to have found my man. I would never have been this calm about this type of situation in the past. Granted, I'm still me, and feel like I have about 20% of the anxiety that I would have in the past. That's ok. I'll take it.

So. Here I go. Lifting weights at home while watching old Quantum Leap on Netflix (as if there were new ones? Hah) Taking care of business before I take my girl out for dinner. It's a fried chicken joint. But that's ok. I'm nearly at my pre-diagnosis weight now, and I know that what I'm doing is Good. And if I gain 2 lbs. of Fried Chicken Belly, I'll lose it in a few days. That's the magic of Tamoxithin!

Yeah, check back in a couple of days...  but so far it's going pretty good.

Surgery News and Stuff.

Took a nice "First Day Of Spring" walk this morning to the reconstructive surgeon's office. BRRRRR!

Anyway, stopped by the local farmer's market and got our usual $14 worth of apples (and I got a few more on the way back, just in case???)  We were early, even after our apple detour.

Talked to the doc and company.  Skin looks great for a fried chick.  But I have to wait 6 months minimum to have my surgery on the fried side.  SERIOUSLY? I had no clue it was that long.  At the end of our appointment (and yes, a few tears fell from my eyes, but luckily we were alone in the room while that mishap happened), I had the BRILLIANT idea to have the unfried side operated on earlier. Is it ok? Is it covered to do 2 surgery dates instead of one? Because I am tired of waiting. I'd like to be 50% done. Please!

Post op in 4 weeks, next surgery in 12. If we can get an earlier spot, we're good. But my doc is amazing and booked to the gills.  No date for second surgery yet - but we can hopefully book that when I'm in for pre-op for this one.

PLEASE let someone cancel at a good time for me to go in. Everyone, send good "moving my surgery up" vibes. I want to go in tomorrow.

As it is, I will have to cut an "optional" business trip short for this date, but that gives me 2 days to work/schmooze. I'll hopefully find a convenient flight late the night before, roll home, hit that knife the next day, and be that much closer to being whole.

I know, I'm still whole, despite this whole thing. But, for those who have been through this - it's BULLSHIT. I'm tired of trying to get dressed every day, with pads and weird bras and hoisting things and covering things and avoiding things. Yes, I'll still be a mess, but a little less so, after this procedure. And that to me is worth it.

By the way, I'm about to pop my 7th Tamoxifen pill. I've actually dropped 3 pounds since day 1, but I've been super duper neurotic about everything. We did 3 days of workouts, and really good ones. I've been really on my diet - I mean, doing what I should have been doing all along. It's really difficult in ways, and in others, it's easy to think that I'm in control of something.

-No hot flashes, though I seem to tolerate cold better.
-The only mood swings are UP. Yes. UP.
-I feel bloated tonight, but I'm thinking it was dinner - hubs made a lovely tuna steak and sauteed asparagus and salad. What the heck did it to me? Dunno. But we'll see tomorrow - I have not felt any issues like this so I assume it was perhaps sodium, or something. I had some homemade yogurt and an apple for dinner (which reminds me, I didn't have my usual yogurt breakfast - that might be it!!!)
-My grey hairs are all gone! Oh, wait. I colored my hair Sunday. Never mind.

I think my Mind Games are working. Tamoxiwonderdrug is working! Diet Pill! Anti-Depressant!

AMAZEBALLS.

I hear the first 2 months are the worst. So far it's going pretty good.

Tamoxirage!!!

Oh, I'm kidding.

I have spent the past 4 days convincing myself that the benefits of Tamoxifen are incredible. Let me list them for you now:

Weight loss!
Anti-Depressant!
Makes me a much better musician!
Raises IQ!
Erases wrinkles!
Turns grey hair back to it's original color!

So far it's working. Of course, I only have had 3 pills in my system. I have noticed some changes. But we've been very diligent about hitting the gym and being super duper with food.

I haven't gained 50 lbs or killed myself. But boy, if I could type from the grave, that would be a neat trick.

It's amazing what a good doc will do for you. I was dead set against this crapoxifen. I'm still not thrilled, but I feel better trying it out now. So does hubby. And he is there right along with me in my quest to convince myself of the positives in the pill, more than what the docs care about.

We had a super weekend. It must be the tamoxifen!

4 performances of the school play. I was so proud and am glad we attended every performance. Some friends came out to cheer her on, too!

I can't lie. I feel tired. But is it the meds, or is it our wild and wacky weekend? Yeah, I need to get to bed early tonight.

Last night, we went out. Coming home, it was mind blowing and sad to see so many people so drunk. I mean, beyond being silly. We did wish them all a "Happy St. Patty's Day". I sure hope that every one of them got home safe, threw up all that horrid alcohol, and learned a lesson. I'm a mother. I worry. Even though I don't know any of them.

Us? We had a few sips and enjoyed some great music and met some new friends and saw some old ones. I like being more like myself again. I am truly hopeful that I am right about the Super Benefits of Tamoxifen! Maybe it will also enhance my humor, my ability to relate to others, my overall Awesomity.

Should I ask the doc if I can double my dose? This shit is incredible!!!  ;)

Tamoxifen: Day 2, School Play: Performance 2

Well, tonight, my daughter FUCKING ROCKED THE HOUSE. Yes, the school play. Last night I gave her some notes:

Be confident - you rock.
Don't get stuck in the back. If you need to, tap someone on the shoulder and get in there. You're all up there and timid in your own way.
I know you hate singing, despite your awesome singing abilities. Lip Sync if you don't want to sing. Don't tell me you don't know all the lyrics by now!
Don't stand with your arms folded. You look scared or guarded. Check the other girls. Sway in your poodle-type skirt. Lots of fabric to grab. Keep your hands alive!

And damn, she listened to every word.

After that stellar performance, I went home and hubby went to the gig. I have too much crap to catch up on. Let's call it craptch up.

But I took that second Tamoxifen Pill and I'm still alive. Is it ok that I'm now chasing it with a Schmailey's?

Whatevs.

We went to the gym today, and I felt like a freaking girl again, it's been at least a week since we were last there getting our testosterone on. But, I still feel like I accomplished some things. I lifted heavy things, cursed under my breath, said I couldn't finish but finished impossible sets anyway. I hate obsessing about how uneven I look. Hubby swears nobody notices but me, but men are pigs - I mean, boobie loving pigs, so a chick lifting weights in a tank top is prime ogling material. No, I can't lift in a baggy sweatshirt, or even really a baggy shirt - where the hell is my form? So, I lift with my tank top, watch my form, and realize that it doesn't matter what any of those smelly dudes think. It's MY smelly dude that matters. And he loves me.

We have a winner.

Wow. What a difference a Doc makes.

I just took my first Tamoxifen. It was scary.

But we have a good Oncologist on our side. One that isn't afraid to discuss everything we want to discuss. One that doesn't try to intimidate me into taking crap without telling me specifically why. I can't believe I took it. But her discussion totally made sense. And I remembered that my mom's cancer spread everywhere. And that's something I don't want. Incurable cancer. Not that I feel like I've been cured - if that were 100% true, I wouldn't need to take these freaking pills.

I'll see. If they blow chunks, I'll call her up and feel like I really do have an ally in her. Even though she is a Big Important Medical Doctor Person Who Specializes in Cancer Victims. Yes, I'm a victim. Wahhh. Poor me.

Nah. She liked that hubs and I had so many questions, thoughtful discussions, a Big Picture Plan (like, if this crap makes my life suck, it ain't gonna be worth it). Why live a life that makes you miserable? She gets it. She's young. She said the hardest hit are the young patients. I think I just made it into that category. I have a lot of life to live, I keep myself healthy, I am active and in love and a mom and I want to smile every day and mean it.

So, we'll see if it sucks rocks or if it's ok. I trust her. Definitely over the other oncologist. We'll call her Dr. Beeyatch.  Actually, we won't call her anything. Though we did see her. She seemed to recognize us. That's fine. Chemistry is everything when it comes to health care and being honest. I can tell the Good Doctor if I decide to never take another Tamoxifen pill ever again. She will discuss other options or simply monitoring closely. She won't make me feel like an ass for picking what's most important. Quality of life. If I have a choice between 40 really shitty years, or 10 good ones, I know my choice.

So, here goes. I'm going to try and convince myself that they are magical pills - a combination of cancer killer/diet/anti depressant/super power inducers. Where's my cape?????

My daughter's first school play was tonight. She was ridiculously brilliant. I mean it. This is a kid who hates being on stage. Damn. I love that kiddo.

Auditioning a New Oncologist today.

You heard right. Auditioning. I may not make her sing or tap dance, but the last oncologist didn't leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling about my cancer care. "Take these pills and go away" is hardly care. So, let's hope contestant number 2 gives a shit about me more than my estrogen receptors.

Been having a rough time in homework land. I know. She's 11. And I'm tired.

School play opens tonight. While I'm excited, my girl has had a rough time. She lost my shoes that she was using as costume shoes. Twice. They were found the first time, not so lucky the second. Do I think someone took them? Probably. They were brand new Puma flats. Comfy and cute. Perfect for her. But she doesn't care for things. She left them - twice - in the auditorium. Not in the dressing room where they belong.

Am I mad about the shoes? I'm more upset that she is careless. I'm the opposite. Touring makes you hyper-aware of your belonging. Different hotels every night, different dressing rooms, the Dummy Check is essential and ha revealed things almost left behind: chargers, music, books, scarves, and even phones and laptops.

I'm hoping that she has learned from this. I know she feels bad, but will that change her carelessness? She said yesterday that she no longer wants a phone. Because she's afraid of losing it. I told her she'll never be able to walk to school or home alone. Imagine high school - me picking up my 17 year old daughter? "Hi, Sweetie!!! Over here! OVER HERE!!! Hi, baby girl!!! Oooh, who's that cute boy you're talking to? Hi! I'm her Mommy! Yes. I pick her up from school every day. A date? Sure. Where are WE going?"

Yeah. That's not going to work out.

Anyway, baby steps. She's showing a lot of her dads traits. Irresponsible. Lazy. But also some good ones - funny. That's all that comes to mind from his side and that's honest. That's why I fell in love with him. He is funny as hell, and handsome. If I'd only known the real truth about him. But I love my daughter, and she wouldn't exist without him. I'm glad my life is headed in a positive direction, despite this cancer. I believe her life is headed in a more positive direction, too. Which means that she'll either have less contact or be less influenced by her father, or maybe he'll just fade away like he always threatens to. I'm not getting my hopes up that he will change. But on this side, we have the ability to evolve. Apparently, that's what Pokemon do as well.

Another Sunday? I missed a week of blahblahblah?

It was a busy week - really busy. My skin is no longer raw, but I do have the most interesting tan lines now. Ugh.

Friday was a big show with a big artist. I managed to piece together an outfit that worked great. It was a long day, but a total blast! I was a bit nervous about how my face, or my brain, or anything would work, but it was one of my best shows. Ever. I think! Or maybe, my radiation brain told me that to shut my head up - but I'm hoping that it was my brain telling me the truth!

Got home around 2am, hubby came home around 3, we chatted and went to bed around 4 - didn't sleep nearly enough, for our full day of errands and his gig (which started around midnight!)

Woke up this morning enough to open one eye and wish him a safe journey, then promptly fell back asleep, waking up every once in a bit. Finally, one of our lovely cats started jumping on me. Yeah. I guess that meant it was time to get up. I'm still tired - been fighting a cold all week, but here I am! After losing that hour (which I find ridiculous - the whole setting the clock back and ahead, who cares???), I needed to motivate. Up practicing, got my coffee rolling, strained the new batch of yogurt (I'm really getting good at it - and my tummy is so thankful for daily yogurt and/or whey in my protein shake!), fired up the new kombucha tea for brewing (we really went through last weeks batch, due to our mutual colds in the house), and transferred some broccoli sprouts (have I mentioned that I bought another sprouting cup so that I can make double batches? They're a huge hit in the home - and they KILL CANCER!!! Even my daughter asks for them!)

I'd love to just sit here all day and be lazy. My cough is not the most fun event in my body (though I'll gladly take that over being radiated again!)

It was nice to go out last night. I was dead tired and almost didn't make it out the door, but a cup of iced coffee revved me up. Nice to see friends, hear the man (he was positively on fire, adorable, and I love seeing him play music that is not jazz!)

I really need to start lifting weights. Last week was a wonderful workout, this week we were too sick and busy to bother, but I could lift weights tonight at home since I honestly don't have time for the gym... and I think my cold is in the safety zone where my body doesn't need to put 100% into fighting anymore. I've started taking honey mixed with cinnamon. I actually think it helps! Well, it's delicious, regardless. ;)

Off I go to conquer the day. Sorry I don't have much Cancery news for ya. Other than my discussion last night with some lady friends about how I should get some smiley face tattoos to put in place of my nipple, until I actually get one. If I do. I probably will, but do I really need a fake nipple? Hmmmm.  Get the implant first, then we'll figure that out.

Oh! One bit of cancery news - I fired my oncologist. Meeting the new gal soon. Stay tuned! Hope she's  a communicative doc who cares about me as a person rather than my estrogen and missing tissue!

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday!

What a freaking day.

Yesterday was Date Day/Night with the hubby (after Friday night at his gig - met some friends there, hung out, and when his gig let out at 1am, we went to another club and listened to more music and talked to more folks - got in at 3 or 4am, made popcorn, and after a 4 hour sleep, woke up for our long Date Day/Night!)

We ran a crapload of errands, including the ever important local Farm Market to get the most amazing fuji apples. We literally pick through the box and get as many as we can that are good. He keeps picking them up proclaiming whether or not someone has taken a bite out of that particular one or not (seeing that these are not *perfect grocery store waxy freaky apples that taste like nothing*) and we load up a huge shopping bag and usually clock in around $15 of gorgeous, crisp fuji apples from a local farm (local meaning within a few hours drive, this IS New York City, folks!).  I like supporting the local farmers, but I super love those apples. *Crunch*. I'm totally addicted.

Our day also included a much needed workout. I haven't lifted weights for real since before radiation. Which means I'm a flab-ass. But hubby and I hit it hard, and while it was a struggle, I felt motivated by motivating him. The former trainer in me came out a bit, and I pushed him which pushed me. Apparently he is sore. My quads are a bit sore from 4 sets of squats, but I'm not as sore as I'd like to be. I rarely get sore in the bi's or tri's... it was always pec work that got me, and I can't do it anymore. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I miss it. I even have a hard time with lat work because it works on that pec a bit, but I did a reverse grip on a baby weight and went through the motions, imagining my back getting RIPPED TO SHREDS LIKE AHHHHHNOLD. 

But, it was good anyway.

We came home after all of that and more - and I was just exhausted. Laid down for a nap, which turned into an hour and a half. We had plans to go to dinner and I couldn't imagine it, but we stayed local and had a ball. And ate too much. And laughed. And I realized how great life really is. Again. 

He left early today. I have been nonstop recording, did some cleaning, and am now cooking dinner for my girl and I. Organic baked chicken with carrots and garlic (yum!) and an arugula salad. Her favorite green. Go figure!!!

Let's hope it's a peaceful and productive homework night. Let's hope she and I have some good quality mother/daughter time. And let's see if I can manage to lift some weights while she writes her papers. Or if I can get my butt off the couch and motivate myself while she writes - I have to keep it real.  ;)