Achy and useless

Not totally, but I've been achy for a few weeks now. Sick? Eh, who knows. Overworked? Definitely. Underslept? Bingo.

As much as I try, I seem to not be able to sleep enough. My brain triggers very early in the morning. Not good. I mean, my alarm is set for 6am - but I wake up by 5 or earlier. Seriously, what gives?

Construction in home may be partially responsible. Feels unsettled, dusty, disorganized. But still... unacceptable reason. I'm glad I got through the fashion show last week without taking a spill. It was wonderful, being able to raise money for a cancer center. Plus, I love fashion. If only I could have kept the clothing (especially the skirt - ok, everything. I loved everything).

I have so much coming up - work, projects, life... I need sleep.

My diet has also been super wonky for the past few weeks, but I think I'm back on track. Gained a few and lost a few. Whatever. But I think it may be part of what is affecting my sleep. Eating out more than usual with construction. Even when you order an organic salad in a restaurant, it's not your concoction. It's usually way more delicious, and probably filled with stuff that you wouldn't put in your own salad. Plus the bread. We almost never eat gluten, but a gorgeous, fresh organic breadbasket? Ok, I'm also not immune to a ghetto challah or even those stupid sesame covered breadsticks that are wrapped in plastic and are clearly not actual food. They taste extra good dipped in those little butter packets - which at least are butter. BUT, it's still not a part of my usual diet that keeps my body running optimally.

So, today was a pretty good food day, and I also worked out for the first time in too long, and I treated myself to a hot stone massage because I'm so achy. It helped. I needed it. I need much more than that, apparently. But it was nice to have someone be nice to me for an hour with hot stones.

What I really need is sleep. And a sponsor, so I can worry less about working and more about healing and helping others. Because as of now, I do it all, somehow.

Tonight - me/netflix. Must make time to chill out. Even if I don't get enough sleep tonight, I need my brain to get a hot stone massage.  In fact, I'm going to spray my apartment with lavender right now. And lay on my bed of nails. It feels amazing though it hurts like a mofo. You literally are forced to relax. And when you're sick? Amazing.

Sometimes you have to remember to be kind to you, in the process of being kind to the world. I tend to forget that I count. And then I get sick. Hmph.

A Good Cause.

This has been a week of exhausting following a week overseas. No rest. I know. Bad me.

Anyway, hubby and I played for a cancer fundraiser and it was amazing. Local band worked with us, and we had a great time. Raised money. I threw some CD's at our friend's daughter's table and apparently she sold 6 in record time. Perhaps she should be my PR person - once she graduates high school. Or... ;)

It was amazing. We were their donation, as a musical guest. What a cool donation - we had folks dancing, smiling, singing, it was a moment to always remember in my own darkest Cancer Hours. We all have them. They sneak up randomly. That's when we need to reach into our memory banks and really remember the good we can do in the world.

Speaking of good-doing, my husband was in a film for gender equality. Not some random youtube film, but much bigger - which means more chance of a global impact. Celebs are behind it. Let's hope to make a splash. He cried in the video. It made me cry, too. It's not too much to want a world that is fair to everyone. Watch the He For She video here, courtesy of the United Nations.

So, our house is in a shambles. Construction like a mofo. My death kitchen is underway. Walls have been broken down. Cabinets are long gone. We live in plastic wrap like

 

ET!!!

But they keep saying 4 weeks, and we started Wednesday. So that means, 3.5 weeks. Not that I'm counting!!!  

Next week - fundraiser fashion show. I hope I don't do this!

Could it be? Could the clouds of Tamoxirage have possibly lifted?

So, I don't want to jinx anything, but I've been in a good mood. Like the old me. Before this cancer crap.

It's only been a few days, but hubby has certainly noticed it. Possibly because I haven't tried to kill him in a few days. No, I never wanted to, but damn, I was living forever on the edge of a cliff, clinging to one little branch that threatened to snap and send me plummeting to my cancer death.

And, if you've ever seen someone (I once had a kitten who nearly jumped out of a 10th story window - luckily I saved her and she lived to the ripe old age of 18) on that edge of a cliff, they will do anything to hang on. Meaning, my sweet kitten scratched and bit the hell out of me as I saved her from going splat on the sidewalk. True story.

Because when someone tries to talk us down, or throw a rope, we have to use blind faith that they are right. That the rope will hold. It has never felt like it would, until a few days ago.

What changed? Heck if I know. My hormones are shifting back. My weight is still a battle. If I starve myself and work out, I definitely look better and feel... meh. My blood sugar has been really sensitive and I'm sure it's my "I need to button my size 2 pants, damnit!" attitude. And, I'm right. I need to. For the most part, they do. But sometimes, the moon is in the wrong position, the tides are wonky, the stars are all messed up in their alignment, who knows. I know, it's my hormones fighting to be reasonable again. Doing my best.

But at least I'm happy. I've set a new rule, I have to eat something before noon. Been intermittent fasting, which worked for a while, and still does to a point, but that blood sugar gets me at noon. I prepare a big ass veggie juice in the morning. And I try like hell to ignore it until I can't take it any longer. I do enjoy my cup of organic coffee with coconut oil, cayenne-ginger-cinammon and sometimes some stevia if I'm feeling frisky. And also some home brewed kombucha with chia seeds. So technically, I'm not fasting.

I wonder if I am like my grandma - she had diabetes. Nothing about her lifestyle would indicate that she would be susceptible. I don't know if she was type 1 or 2. Exercised, never overweight, happy life, yet she had that. Hmph. Eventually I'll worry enough to get tested, but for now, let's get this cancer and hormonal balance together.

Flying tomorrow evening for some gigs. It's a week away, but only 2 shows. Which may sound good to some, but I'm only being paid for 2 shows, but am away for a week. Eh. But the good news is that I'll maybe get a chance to relax, workout, sightsee, and SLEEP. Came home around 3am last night/this morning. Woke up at 7 when hubs was leaving. Struggled to sleep again until about 8:30 when I had to give our diabetic cat his shot. Practiced, started packing (still need to complete!), had a half assed workout and a nice walk, with some lunch goody shopping for my kiddo (she brings a thermos of udon noodles to school daily - true story!)

Let's hope this mood thing is here to stay. I can't stand being a lunatic. In a bad way. In the good way? Bring it.

Freaking eyelashes

Ok. So it's been over a year. A chunk of eyelashes went missing after my last surgery. Fine. That's totally normal, or sort of. But why in the heck are they refusing to come home to mama??? They grow in and fly away overnight. I'm so sick of it. Tonight as I washed my face (super carefully, with coconut oil) I realized that the gap has gotten worse.

I know they were really thin and short during my Tamoxifen stage. But that ended almost 7 months ago. I have my period back. In fact, it comes every 3 weeks more or less. I'm not complaining (as of now). I get horrendous cramps and bleed like the red sea has opened up in my woman parts, but again - at least it's working.

But Damn. I feel disfigured and scarred. I'm getting a handle on my weight - it yoyo's, but it's a bit better as time goes on and the poison leaves my system (I hope!!!) I need my freaking eyelashes.

I wear falsies on stage. I can't wear them daily. I've been using a serum that has worked in the past, but nothing. I've tried fractionated coconut oil stuff - to clean out the ducts. Nope.

I have toyed with getting extensions until I realize they would have nothing to extend!!!  It's like putting tracks on a bald person. You need a full wig.

So, I've been wearing lots of eyeliner and glittery mineral eyeshadows to detract. I do that anyway, but I'm more conscious of it. I look like I could be in the Clockwork Orange - perhaps it will come to Broadway soon... though I'd have a tough time with some of the fuckery involved in the character. But, I have the lashes!!! Or lack thereof!

Anyhoo. A new cancer victim in my circle. Stage 1. Methinks she'll end up with a lumpectomy. But nothing is an easy trail in this world. I don't know her too well but we have hung a few times (she's an out of towner).

Sometimes I feel worse for my husband and daughter than for me. They didn't ask for this. My husband just entered our lives a few years before this all hit. Sometimes I tell him to go find someone who is cancer free, has 2 boobs, and can live a while longer. He refuses. I know it hurts him to hear, but it hurts me to see him dealing with my cancer insanity.

People die. People get scared.

It's been forever since I've blogged, just too busy, a little down, and well, ok, just busy!

Chatting with a friend now who is petrified of a biopsy about to go down tomorrow. But she's SO worried and asking all sorts of crazy questions as if she's been diagnosed. I get it, but does it help? Get the biopsy first. You can't fix it by worrying. You can't change the outcome by worrying. You can change your lifestyle. But you can't change the tumor in a day.

Someone passed that I had met on a photo shoot, ironically to help raise money for my good friend Champagne Joy. Death really does loom over me. Constantly. I had a dream that someone I know with cancer died. I checked in and he's alive. But it was real in the dream.

Woke up an hour early today. I think my brain is going bonkers. Been having massive blinding pains in my back. Stress. Ain't enough Calgon in this world to fix me at the moment... deep breath. Owch.

Back home to leave

Just home from a whirlwind gig in France. It was gorgeous. I am exhausted. The gig itself felt like it was about 3 days straight - we had fun, but I'm not used to a show that freaking long! Anyway, I love the South of France... we had a tiny bit of time to explore, which was a luxury. But when I got to my room after the gig I had 2 hours before lobby call for my 10+ hour trek home. Yeah. Not a lot of sleep.

Got home in time to unpack and repack for this week. I'll be teaching at Bemidji MusiCamp, and that is always a bit of a stretch for me. Let's hope I can get some sleep tonight so my tolerance for the little angels will be rocking. I know. I'm a mother. But I'm spoiled, my daughter is so mindful and well behaved. We have our moments, but I'd say it's rare for her to get on my last nerve. And she'll be 13 in a week and a half. Yup, I get home right before her birthday. And, what does she want for her birthday??? The big 13???

Onigiri.

Yes.

My daughter, about to turn 13, wants rice.

Man, I love my family. I got her some really cool stuff, but she requested no party. I'm great with that! We are going to a friends house to hang the next day, they have a swimming pool and always an overage of snacks.

My daughter is so like me. I love being alone. I love being within myself.

Sometimes it's hard. I have an outward appearance of being a social butterfly, one who likes to be in crowds. I like crowds, in the audience when I'm on stage. Otherwise, I love solitude.

My husband is a good person to be alone with me within myself. He's not a party guy, and yes, he also has a little reputation as a fellow musician. Folks think we're super social. Because our jobs are. If you walk into our home, you'll find a waterfall at the entrance. We try to keep it neat and sometimes succeed, other times we are still ok. We like minimalism (except in my closet, I admit it!)  We like calm. Our lives are so hectic that quiet is welcome.  We cook and eat at home mostly. Even my girl now prefers to eat at home. Why? Because "You have no idea what's in restaurant food. It's full of GMO's and other garbage that is bad for us. Plus, I like our cooking better."

Our, meaning all of us. She is becoming quite the little chef. I see so many reflections of myself in her.

And I see reflections of my mom in me.

Recently, it's been the negative stuff associated with cancer. I find I am withdrawing more and more from my man. Last week it hit me - my mom did the same to us. It wasn't conscious, and it wasn't meant to be cruel. She was dying. And now I feel like she must have - I don't want anyone to be too sad when I croak.

I remember her telling me no matter what, I needed to fly to a gig that I was super excited about - playing with the Interlochen Alumni Jazz Ensemble. I was 18, which is too young to get such a cool gig. She died a few days later. Nobody told me and I was going to visit her before my trip. I got to the hospital way the heck out in NJ like I always did, and the looks on the nurses faces - GEEZ. When I die, I do NOT want any nurses giving my daughter that look. Poor thing. Blahblahblah. I wish I had the nerve to slap them all. But, that's the past. I don't want my daughter and husband watch me die, but I also don't want to disconnect emotionally, to prepare them. To soften the blow.

So I have to work on staying present and happy. It isn't easy when you're petrified of what your body might be growing. But, my girl. Almost 13. My husband, the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm here now. I need to remember that important fact.

Some days you win, and some days the disease wins.

A lot is in our minds. I know this.

Some days I get so nauseous and even sick, or pass out, or just feel freaking crazy, and not for any reason that I know of. Is it the cancer? Is it PTSD? Is it fear of dying or living?

My parents pretty much hated each other, but what could my mom do? She was dying, with 2 young kids, in a different country from where she lived for 30 years. She was a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful woman. And then she got cancer at 40.

Her baby sister died from cancer soon after my mother's diagnosis, in her mid-late 20s. Her brother passed after that, also from cancer. My cousin got it but lived, as far as I know... we're not in touch.

Cancer, and other diseases that basically haunt you forever, are quite the mind game. I can be a real jerk now, without being able to stop. Sometimes I wonder if it's the meds which basically made me bi-polar. Are they still in my system? Is that why I'm passing out and throwing up? I know I'm not pregnant. I checked.

Something that dawned on me today after a knock down fight (minus anything physical) with hubby, is that I could be protecting him from missing me when I die. Perhaps our minds are set up to basically sabotage our happiness so that when we croak from [insert horrible disease of your choice or applicable affliction here], our partners are relieved, even if just silently, that we are gone. My mother had some doozy moments. I can see myself in my memories of her. And I feel now that she too could not control her insanity.

Medically induced insanity to save our loved ones from being too sad because we're dying.

Huh.

I'm sure no traditional Western Docs would agree. They'd prescribe some BS to turn us into zombies and tell us that we're just crazy too, on top of our cancer, or whatever.

This is real.

I'm not going to take some crazy pills, but learn to self medicate/meditate.

Also, I got my period today. It's been coming back fairly regularly and always heinously.

That could be part of the insanity, but I can't say that I was always this horrible.

I also didn't sleep. Well, perhaps 3 hours. Yeah, not enough. Though I did manage to hit the gym ok.

Just had some homemade hummus and lettuce/cabbage salad. I think I should pour myself something and relax. So much to do, but my head won't stop taunting me. I'm dying. We all are. But I have a bit more concrete evidence that I may go like my mom, her sister, her brother, and squillions of other cancer victims.

No wonder my head is so messed up. Yeah. I do need a generous pour about now.  Perhaps a funny movie. I've been reading cancer books too much. Even my bookshelf has cancer!!!

For all of my fellow warriors out there, I know I'm not alone in this, because I saw my mom go through it. If anyone has a better cure than crazy pills or a sip, please let a sister know. xo