Some days you win, and some days the disease wins.

A lot is in our minds. I know this.

Some days I get so nauseous and even sick, or pass out, or just feel freaking crazy, and not for any reason that I know of. Is it the cancer? Is it PTSD? Is it fear of dying or living?

My parents pretty much hated each other, but what could my mom do? She was dying, with 2 young kids, in a different country from where she lived for 30 years. She was a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful woman. And then she got cancer at 40.

Her baby sister died from cancer soon after my mother's diagnosis, in her mid-late 20s. Her brother passed after that, also from cancer. My cousin got it but lived, as far as I know... we're not in touch.

Cancer, and other diseases that basically haunt you forever, are quite the mind game. I can be a real jerk now, without being able to stop. Sometimes I wonder if it's the meds which basically made me bi-polar. Are they still in my system? Is that why I'm passing out and throwing up? I know I'm not pregnant. I checked.

Something that dawned on me today after a knock down fight (minus anything physical) with hubby, is that I could be protecting him from missing me when I die. Perhaps our minds are set up to basically sabotage our happiness so that when we croak from [insert horrible disease of your choice or applicable affliction here], our partners are relieved, even if just silently, that we are gone. My mother had some doozy moments. I can see myself in my memories of her. And I feel now that she too could not control her insanity.

Medically induced insanity to save our loved ones from being too sad because we're dying.

Huh.

I'm sure no traditional Western Docs would agree. They'd prescribe some BS to turn us into zombies and tell us that we're just crazy too, on top of our cancer, or whatever.

This is real.

I'm not going to take some crazy pills, but learn to self medicate/meditate.

Also, I got my period today. It's been coming back fairly regularly and always heinously.

That could be part of the insanity, but I can't say that I was always this horrible.

I also didn't sleep. Well, perhaps 3 hours. Yeah, not enough. Though I did manage to hit the gym ok.

Just had some homemade hummus and lettuce/cabbage salad. I think I should pour myself something and relax. So much to do, but my head won't stop taunting me. I'm dying. We all are. But I have a bit more concrete evidence that I may go like my mom, her sister, her brother, and squillions of other cancer victims.

No wonder my head is so messed up. Yeah. I do need a generous pour about now.  Perhaps a funny movie. I've been reading cancer books too much. Even my bookshelf has cancer!!!

For all of my fellow warriors out there, I know I'm not alone in this, because I saw my mom go through it. If anyone has a better cure than crazy pills or a sip, please let a sister know. xo