Back home to leave

Just home from a whirlwind gig in France. It was gorgeous. I am exhausted. The gig itself felt like it was about 3 days straight - we had fun, but I'm not used to a show that freaking long! Anyway, I love the South of France... we had a tiny bit of time to explore, which was a luxury. But when I got to my room after the gig I had 2 hours before lobby call for my 10+ hour trek home. Yeah. Not a lot of sleep.

Got home in time to unpack and repack for this week. I'll be teaching at Bemidji MusiCamp, and that is always a bit of a stretch for me. Let's hope I can get some sleep tonight so my tolerance for the little angels will be rocking. I know. I'm a mother. But I'm spoiled, my daughter is so mindful and well behaved. We have our moments, but I'd say it's rare for her to get on my last nerve. And she'll be 13 in a week and a half. Yup, I get home right before her birthday. And, what does she want for her birthday??? The big 13???

Onigiri.

Yes.

My daughter, about to turn 13, wants rice.

Man, I love my family. I got her some really cool stuff, but she requested no party. I'm great with that! We are going to a friends house to hang the next day, they have a swimming pool and always an overage of snacks.

My daughter is so like me. I love being alone. I love being within myself.

Sometimes it's hard. I have an outward appearance of being a social butterfly, one who likes to be in crowds. I like crowds, in the audience when I'm on stage. Otherwise, I love solitude.

My husband is a good person to be alone with me within myself. He's not a party guy, and yes, he also has a little reputation as a fellow musician. Folks think we're super social. Because our jobs are. If you walk into our home, you'll find a waterfall at the entrance. We try to keep it neat and sometimes succeed, other times we are still ok. We like minimalism (except in my closet, I admit it!)  We like calm. Our lives are so hectic that quiet is welcome.  We cook and eat at home mostly. Even my girl now prefers to eat at home. Why? Because "You have no idea what's in restaurant food. It's full of GMO's and other garbage that is bad for us. Plus, I like our cooking better."

Our, meaning all of us. She is becoming quite the little chef. I see so many reflections of myself in her.

And I see reflections of my mom in me.

Recently, it's been the negative stuff associated with cancer. I find I am withdrawing more and more from my man. Last week it hit me - my mom did the same to us. It wasn't conscious, and it wasn't meant to be cruel. She was dying. And now I feel like she must have - I don't want anyone to be too sad when I croak.

I remember her telling me no matter what, I needed to fly to a gig that I was super excited about - playing with the Interlochen Alumni Jazz Ensemble. I was 18, which is too young to get such a cool gig. She died a few days later. Nobody told me and I was going to visit her before my trip. I got to the hospital way the heck out in NJ like I always did, and the looks on the nurses faces - GEEZ. When I die, I do NOT want any nurses giving my daughter that look. Poor thing. Blahblahblah. I wish I had the nerve to slap them all. But, that's the past. I don't want my daughter and husband watch me die, but I also don't want to disconnect emotionally, to prepare them. To soften the blow.

So I have to work on staying present and happy. It isn't easy when you're petrified of what your body might be growing. But, my girl. Almost 13. My husband, the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm here now. I need to remember that important fact.