Back home to leave

Just home from a whirlwind gig in France. It was gorgeous. I am exhausted. The gig itself felt like it was about 3 days straight - we had fun, but I'm not used to a show that freaking long! Anyway, I love the South of France... we had a tiny bit of time to explore, which was a luxury. But when I got to my room after the gig I had 2 hours before lobby call for my 10+ hour trek home. Yeah. Not a lot of sleep.

Got home in time to unpack and repack for this week. I'll be teaching at Bemidji MusiCamp, and that is always a bit of a stretch for me. Let's hope I can get some sleep tonight so my tolerance for the little angels will be rocking. I know. I'm a mother. But I'm spoiled, my daughter is so mindful and well behaved. We have our moments, but I'd say it's rare for her to get on my last nerve. And she'll be 13 in a week and a half. Yup, I get home right before her birthday. And, what does she want for her birthday??? The big 13???

Onigiri.

Yes.

My daughter, about to turn 13, wants rice.

Man, I love my family. I got her some really cool stuff, but she requested no party. I'm great with that! We are going to a friends house to hang the next day, they have a swimming pool and always an overage of snacks.

My daughter is so like me. I love being alone. I love being within myself.

Sometimes it's hard. I have an outward appearance of being a social butterfly, one who likes to be in crowds. I like crowds, in the audience when I'm on stage. Otherwise, I love solitude.

My husband is a good person to be alone with me within myself. He's not a party guy, and yes, he also has a little reputation as a fellow musician. Folks think we're super social. Because our jobs are. If you walk into our home, you'll find a waterfall at the entrance. We try to keep it neat and sometimes succeed, other times we are still ok. We like minimalism (except in my closet, I admit it!)  We like calm. Our lives are so hectic that quiet is welcome.  We cook and eat at home mostly. Even my girl now prefers to eat at home. Why? Because "You have no idea what's in restaurant food. It's full of GMO's and other garbage that is bad for us. Plus, I like our cooking better."

Our, meaning all of us. She is becoming quite the little chef. I see so many reflections of myself in her.

And I see reflections of my mom in me.

Recently, it's been the negative stuff associated with cancer. I find I am withdrawing more and more from my man. Last week it hit me - my mom did the same to us. It wasn't conscious, and it wasn't meant to be cruel. She was dying. And now I feel like she must have - I don't want anyone to be too sad when I croak.

I remember her telling me no matter what, I needed to fly to a gig that I was super excited about - playing with the Interlochen Alumni Jazz Ensemble. I was 18, which is too young to get such a cool gig. She died a few days later. Nobody told me and I was going to visit her before my trip. I got to the hospital way the heck out in NJ like I always did, and the looks on the nurses faces - GEEZ. When I die, I do NOT want any nurses giving my daughter that look. Poor thing. Blahblahblah. I wish I had the nerve to slap them all. But, that's the past. I don't want my daughter and husband watch me die, but I also don't want to disconnect emotionally, to prepare them. To soften the blow.

So I have to work on staying present and happy. It isn't easy when you're petrified of what your body might be growing. But, my girl. Almost 13. My husband, the most amazing man I've ever known.

I'm here now. I need to remember that important fact.

Some days you win, and some days the disease wins.

A lot is in our minds. I know this.

Some days I get so nauseous and even sick, or pass out, or just feel freaking crazy, and not for any reason that I know of. Is it the cancer? Is it PTSD? Is it fear of dying or living?

My parents pretty much hated each other, but what could my mom do? She was dying, with 2 young kids, in a different country from where she lived for 30 years. She was a wonderful, brilliant, beautiful woman. And then she got cancer at 40.

Her baby sister died from cancer soon after my mother's diagnosis, in her mid-late 20s. Her brother passed after that, also from cancer. My cousin got it but lived, as far as I know... we're not in touch.

Cancer, and other diseases that basically haunt you forever, are quite the mind game. I can be a real jerk now, without being able to stop. Sometimes I wonder if it's the meds which basically made me bi-polar. Are they still in my system? Is that why I'm passing out and throwing up? I know I'm not pregnant. I checked.

Something that dawned on me today after a knock down fight (minus anything physical) with hubby, is that I could be protecting him from missing me when I die. Perhaps our minds are set up to basically sabotage our happiness so that when we croak from [insert horrible disease of your choice or applicable affliction here], our partners are relieved, even if just silently, that we are gone. My mother had some doozy moments. I can see myself in my memories of her. And I feel now that she too could not control her insanity.

Medically induced insanity to save our loved ones from being too sad because we're dying.

Huh.

I'm sure no traditional Western Docs would agree. They'd prescribe some BS to turn us into zombies and tell us that we're just crazy too, on top of our cancer, or whatever.

This is real.

I'm not going to take some crazy pills, but learn to self medicate/meditate.

Also, I got my period today. It's been coming back fairly regularly and always heinously.

That could be part of the insanity, but I can't say that I was always this horrible.

I also didn't sleep. Well, perhaps 3 hours. Yeah, not enough. Though I did manage to hit the gym ok.

Just had some homemade hummus and lettuce/cabbage salad. I think I should pour myself something and relax. So much to do, but my head won't stop taunting me. I'm dying. We all are. But I have a bit more concrete evidence that I may go like my mom, her sister, her brother, and squillions of other cancer victims.

No wonder my head is so messed up. Yeah. I do need a generous pour about now.  Perhaps a funny movie. I've been reading cancer books too much. Even my bookshelf has cancer!!!

For all of my fellow warriors out there, I know I'm not alone in this, because I saw my mom go through it. If anyone has a better cure than crazy pills or a sip, please let a sister know. xo

Happy Fourth! Soup was a success! Travels ahead...

Well, I managed to drop a few lbs. with that magic soup I typed about last time. Today, being the fourth of July, my daughter and I went out for sushi. Most folks think that is a low calorie treat, but rice turns to sugar. I always gain a bit, so that was my only meal today unless I polish off that cabbage soup tonight (which is likely).

I woke up 2 pounds to my goal weight, but a pound lighter than my pre-cancer-diagnosis weight. So, I'm not complaining!  Hopefully I'll be lingering at a positive weight when I wake up - at 3 or 4 am for my flight to Quebec tomorrow.

Yup, gigging in quaint Quebec tomorrow night. Happy for the work. NEED the work. Would like to chill at home, I'm SO tired. But, I can't complain. This summer is booked to the gills. I need to pack - I love overnight trips, so easy. Equipment, costume, and some essentials. Not sure we'll have workout time, so I'm just going to roll up some leggings and hope for the best. I usually bring an onslaught of gym attire, but not for this one. Wear sneaks, will pump iron.

My daughter has been remarkable. Teaching herself piano. She's interesting. My studio has a window that faces the piano. We'll both be practicing, and she'll knock. Ask questions. Really listen. Magic. This is why we don't force children into activities like that. She rejected piano years ago. I let her. Now, she's here on her own. Really working.

She is also the best cat insulin injector. So, as hubs and I are away on gigs, she is responsible for 2 injections. On her own. I have faith. If something happens, it's ok, but we talked about that. He won't die. But he'll feel like crap. She gets it. No reason to panic, but do your best. I let her dad know the schedule too, so he can make sure to remind her and let her have that time. I also told her she could hang and practice piano if she wants. The kitties would love it.

I'm starting to wrap my OCD brain around the September kitchen issue. It gives us time to purge and clean. Well, we're working a lot, but still. We can take advantage of that time. Right? RIGHT?

Sigh.

I want my walls chopped up now.

But the contractor said it's not really livable so we'd be tortured longer.

Agh.

Anyhoo, off to pack.

Sigh

Well. That whole kitchen thing. Turns out the carpenters can't build in time to do our remodel now. Crap. If only we were willing to settle for ikea cabinetry. I'm sure it's ok, but this guy works with our buildings. He makes real cabinets from scratch. He knocks down walls. He knows exactly how to handle the co-op people so we don't get into any trouble.

And I picked out all of the appliances on sale. Hopefully they'll be back on sale in September. Likely, with Labor Day. Still. I'm type A. I need this done tomorrow morning. I could die tomorrow afternoon. 

Deep breath. 

Anyway. The weight battle continues. Yesterday and today I made a fantastic soup of cabbage, tomato, onion, garlic, celery, green pepper and chicken broth. And a jalapeno. We had that with salad. I dropped a hairball of weight. This hormone medication thing sucks. And I've been off for 5 months. Do I have 6 more months before it's gone? Do I really have to wait as long as I was on it for it to be gone? 

The good news is that I'm saving on groceries by starving. Actually, I'm getting used to hunger.  I make a big veggie juice for lunch and let it linger. Today I tried not to, but I had a protein bar too. I still think I'm on track. 

Lots of travel coming up. Hoping to maintain a low for me weight so I have space to work. 

I'm looking forward to the day when my system works again. 

Stress. Like a MFer

Wow. It's been busy. I should be in bed, but I'm surfing the intermallweb for kitchen appliances. We had been talking to a contractor for a few months, and the sh*t has been taking forever to nail down. We had been talking summer to completely overhaul the kitchen, including knocking walls down (city kitchens can be like closets, stuffy, hard to hear other rooms, and when the green bean casserole's burning, the smoke has little chance of escaping!)  It's a HUGE financial task, but why have I been saving all these years? We cook ALL the time. We love to cook. I have cancer. What the heck. I need a nicer kitchen.

So, homeslice, aka contract dude, emailed that he could book us in September.

Hold-the-damned-phone. WHAT. I have had my heart set on SUMMER. Which is officially now. I know, he's busy, schedules get filled... so instead of a scathing email from me, I asked hubs to do it. Guess what? He can start - um - right after July 4 weekend. WHICH IS IN A WEEK.

I'm totally down. Being Type A and Virgo, plus feeling like a ticking time bomb, let's roll.

Meanwhile, the financial burden, though I've adjusted to the idea over the past few months, has settled in my brain. I have a huge number in my head and I'm ok with it now.

But, the appliances.

Decisions.

I want good stuff. I have pretty good stuff now, but the fridge has been a mess. Had it fixed last fall. Still sucks. We also are installing a dishwasher. My first. Ever. And a wall mount microwave over the stove to help suck out the nasty fumes. We rarely microwave, but once in a while it does come in handy.

We're waiting on a new stove. Unless I can get a ridiculous deal. Which is possible, with the holiday coming up.

So, I'm surfing with my cash thinking cap on.  It's actually making me feel better about the money, because it's all stuff I need and want.

My dizzy spells? Better.

Had a few but each is less petrifying.

I went to a sub doc yesterday. Sub, as in substitute, and also as in subpar.

She basically told me I was pretty despite the fact that I am half of a certain race. She said that I probably didn't need my breast removed. I was about to lodge my shoe in her eyeball and tell her to also not remove that, but I needed to get through for my vitals and bloodwork.

I told a friend the story, and she saw the same exact Dr. Bitch. Years ago.

Time for a phone call to my regular doc. She was unavailable so I got this whore of a medical bitch.

Anyhoo, no time to sit in bad feelings.

Though, when I told her of my dizzy spells, she said "Well, that's normal!"  Normal for what? A kid on a sit n' spin? About that shoe in your eyeball...

Well, I've been stressed the fuck out, so much going on. Tomorrow is a day trip to a gig. The next day is an 8am gig. Given my instrument, I wake up hours before leaving so I can be sure that we are getting along well. Which means I'll have 2 hours sleep. Then, a birthday dinner way out in where-the-heck-Queens. But, we love our friend Eddie Pazant - saxaphone player extrodinaire, zen master, hilarity without borders, and up in smoke. So I will go. And smile. And put some glitter on. And hopefully not face-plant in the cake. Because I'm exhausted thinking about the weekend. Therefore, I will continue my shopping feast online instead of doing the sensible thing.

Also, my weight is stubborn. Doing all the right things. Methinks it's time for a change. Mix things up. Back to ye olde drawing board... but I am finally feeling a bit happy today for the first time in weeks. I hope this too shall not pass.

I thought I was dying last night...

I know. We're all dying.

Dinner last night. Totally enjoying daddy's day meal with hubby and daughter. Suddenly, the "feeling". Like nausea, cold sweat, impending death looming like an anxious salesman.

I couldn't imagine walking to the bathroom - which was down a flight of stairs. I could only imagine that I would stumble down the stairs and end up a bloody heap of limbs at the bottom. Tragic headline: Cancer Patient Ironically Dies From Restaurant Fall.  But the salmon was great.

I felt like my head had hung between my shoulders and knees for hours. I barely heard what was around me. I knew I felt ice on my neck, my daughters hand squeezing mine, hubby doing what he could very calmly.

Apparently, it was 5 minutes. I thought I was dying. For hours.

We have guesses as to what it could be. Got home in one piece. In my new and sweat soaked lacy dress. Thank goodness I'm a pro at walking in heels, 'eh?

Scared shitless for a bit. I can't lie. All I kept thinking was that I could NOT pass out. I did not want to be in an emergency room on Father's Day. Do you realize how many dudes would have knives sticking from their skulls, curling iron burns from angry daughters, frying pan contusions from jilted wives? No thanks, I'll die at home.

Much better today. Tonight, after dinner, I declared that my cycle would start at any second. My uterus was doing the angry dance. I also realized that, when I was preparing to wash my hair for a secret project tomorrow, that I had a crapload of grays again. So I ended up having to dye my hair with my hippie dippy natural hair dye (which actually is ok). Halfway through the waiting period, I got my period. How 'bout that? 4 days early, but I haven't really been on a schedule in, oh, over a year now... since the stupid pills.  But, I'm super crampy now (unlike last time which was a breeze). Let's hope I feel ok tomorrow - for the secret project. I actually don't know if it is a secret, but it's fun to act that way.

So, hair colored, nails are painted but a mess with the hair color (I tend to color hair a week before I need to look my best, but this snuck up on me!)... off to lay down and hang with hubs while I pretend my uterus isn't punching me from the inside.

Stupid Cancer. But, I'm grateful that my estrogen is making a comeback. Now, she should just calm down a bit and hang like old times!!!

Nightmares about lymphedema. Amazing hummus recipe.

It's been so busy in my career - been flying everywhere, tired but somehow I manage to workout more on the road than when I'm home. So, I've felt really good! And, I'm hovering at my pre-diagnosis weight. It's not easy staying there, but I'm surfing the wave. Yippee!

Nice to be home for a while before I get crazy again. Last night, though, hubby made it hard for me to sleep. The one thing that I've been getting good at. He had been feeling sick for a few days at least, and last night after his gig, we got home late, and he crashed. Unfortunately, before I did. You know when someone is sick and they are just louder sleepers? Well, I was thrilled that he was getting much needed sleep. I was too tired to get up for earplugs or even throw myself on the couch or my daughter's bed. I should have forced myself.

Ended up waking up for good at around 6:30 am. This, after getting home late and sleeping on and off for a few hours. *sigh*

Had a good workout anyway. Walked a bit. Came home to make hummus*. Cleaned up a bit, awaiting daughter for dinner. I am hoping to get to bed really early today... or at least reasonably so.

I had the craziest dream in my staggered sleep. I had freaking lymphedema. I looked at my hand in my dream because it felt weird. I had sausage fingers that I couldn't bend. My arm was huge (and not cool like Arnold!) I woke up completely frazzled. Glad it wasn't reality, but it does scare me.

*Hummus Recipe

Soak and cook dried organic chickpeas, or drain a can if you're feeling lazy.
Pulverize in a food processor or other vicious machine.
Add in organic olive oil - the real stuff. Check your source and watch out for the fake junk!
Season with Himalayan salt. Add cayenne to taste, if desired. Add other things too. This is the freedom recipe! Citrus, herbs, you name it!
Serve with chips, crudite, and love.

I'm not much of a measuring kind of gal in the kitchen. Taste until you love!