Come on, give Grandma a little smooch!

Went to see my dentist today - been so busy being Cancery, that I was severely delayed in making the appointment. Luckily, I'm a star patient and they barely have to clean anything. However, the gums are hurting, and of course that's all from my friendly Tamoxicrud.

It was nice to see the crew - hubby finally went in too. They're so thorough and thoughtful and honest and, just good people.

Have to go for a panoramic x-ray tomorrow. As much as they want to avoid that stuff, especially for me, they need a baseline in case my jaw gets worse, or my teeth fall out.

Glad we both went. I'm a tooth fanatic. I am always mindful of my teeth and am, quite frankly, vain.

We hit the gym after. I'm not used to doing much of anything at night with this joint pain. I was frustrated. Made it through, but I basically feel like I'm just a pile of walking hairline fractures, that my joints are all dislocated, and that I'm an OLD LADY. I think hubby deserves someone younger than 90. Jesus.

A lovely dinner, and when my tamoxifen alarm went off, hubby instructed me to not take it. Well, instructed sounds like he's driving. I've wanted to at least take a break for months. He said I should lay off until he's back from his business trip - in 2 weeks.

I'm all for it. This is no life. By the time 7pm rolls around, I can barely talk. My jaw is throbbing, and all I can think about is this wonderful fantasy that I DIE. Because everything hurts. Every night. No matter what I do. Sometimes, 80's dance music helps me forget, but it's not enough. I just need to cut this shit out.

Plus, I have no filter. I yelled at several people in the street today. I could have been killed. Maybe that's why I do it - because I want to be put out of my misery. Perhaps not the best method.

Actually at the gym, I realized why Tamoxifen was created. So that patients don't want to get old! This shit SUCKS. I actually don't want to go through any of it again. I'd happily die at 50 like my mom did. But, I don't want that for my daughter. I'm still traumatized by her death in my teens.

I had considered going to hubby's gig, but in this cold weather, my joints are more of a mess. Better stay inside and keep warm. I have half a bottle of red wine that says I will be nice and toasty.

Acupuncture - the only upside to Cancer Treatment

Well, mine, anyway.

I look forward to acupuncture at my Cancer Center (which apparently will NOT change their name to Clown School - it really would cheer me up to see a cool Circus sign light up when I walk in weekly! They have no sense of humor or humanity...)

My jaw, as I've mentioned many times, feels like it is going to snap off and never be mine again. I've always had some TMJ issues, but now? With the joint pain and bone loss? I almost WANT it to fall off, so I can prove a point to my damn Oncologist!

Eh, fuck her. I want my jaw AND my life back.

Today, my acupuncturist treated, amongst other things, my TMJ. Normally, she is wary to stick needles in folks there, because it's intense as hell, but me? I say BRING IT. I'm very sensitive and tuned into this stuff, and know a lot of points and meridians. Yeah, I studied this back in the day, before I knew that I really wanted to be a broke musician. Woo! I regret nothing, and am super glad for my curious mind. I think my acupuncturist loves that I know points, she likes discussing why things work, why I feel things, or don't, when a needle doesn't want to go in, when it doesn't want to leave, etc. The human body fascinates me, especially when it's Eastern medicine.

Anyway, wow. Still pain in my joint, but it really was magical. I'm forever grateful for her work with me. I believe I would either be dead now, or in the loony bin. I think that acupuncture, and all alternative healing (massage, and even exercise) are amazing forms of therapy. And she's not a fruity-tooty hippie chick, either. She is a no-nonsense "This works" gal. If you saw her in the hallways, you'd think she was a doc. My midwife was similar. I like folks like that. Don't be all throwing feathers up my nose and chanting like a sub-par singer songwriter. Fix me.

Meanwhile - some good stuff. My daughter's writing skills? AMAZING. She reminds me of me at that age, but she's way more sophisticated. She's such a bookworm, and I think that teaches her to write like nothing else. Well, like a book. Duh. Oh, Tamoxifen brain, you suck ass.

And, apparently, you encourage me to use more potty language.

Golden milk has been consumed. Time to go pretend to read a book while I play some Words with Friends as I try to adjust my blurry eyes to see the screen. I think that the Tamoxifen makers should refund my Lasik costs. Oh, and die a horrible death.

Uncomfortably Numb

Everything hurts. My gums are swollen and bleeding - just did some oil pulling to hopefully help (feels better already) but this tamoxishit is really killing me. Why else would my gums be like this? I am going to see my dentist on Friday. And if they say "Stop taking this shit", I won't blink twice.

I really look at the pro's and con's of this crap and think - why the fuck am I taking this again?

Pros- Not much, other than to keep my oncologist from saying "I don't want you to regret not taking this down the road". Meaning, it's BULLSHIT. Because it doesn't cure anything, it may or may not prevent a minuscule percentage of metastasis.

Cons - it pretty much causes an avalanche of bad shit to happen in your body and mind.

The other day, calculating my calories, after much working out, I ended up "consuming" about 200 calories (minus all the exercise). Woke up a pound lighter. The next day? Worked out, ended up with 600 calories (WAY less than I should be having) and woke up 2 pounds heavier. Yeah. So, according to my calculations, I can eat a stalk of celery daily.

Perhaps I can start taking Syrup of Ipecac, which, by the way, is a vile name. I've never been good at throwing up, but perhaps there is a nice support group to encourage me to become bulimic. I'm not sure that I can handle just a stalk of celery a day, but who knows. Maybe I can readjust my brain like so many fucked up women before me.

Seriously. I want my life back. I want ME back. This Tamoxifen is utter bullshit. Someone is making money off of my misery and, in turn, is encouraging the Grim Reaper to stalk me. I truly, truly believe that this shit is killing me way faster than the cancer ever would. And I'm not even me anymore. I'm a psychotic bitch who feels guilty for eating an apple before noon. What happened to my morning protein shakes? My healthy meals that didn't carry an ounce of guilt? And now I can't even have a salad at night without thinking, "Oh shit, will I be able to button my pants tomorrow?"

This blog is fairly anonymous, but for this who know me, I know - I'm still a size 2. Now, don't freak out... I'm a small person. I've worked hard to become this size, and I'm strong. Well, until the bones started turning to dust on this crap. But still, yesterday, I grabbed a 45 lb. barbell to do bicep curls because the 40 was taken and I didn't want to be a girly on a 35 - hah. I'm still strong. So I'm not one of these skinny-fat chicks who look like they can't open a beer bottle. But I feel the shift - I know what it feels like to go through menopause at warp speed. My body no longer belongs to me. Everything feels different, everything moves different. I need to stop this CRAZY TRAIN!

Rest in Peace... recipe for chocolate bark... Chocolate helps a broken heart.

Just back from a memorial service. He was only a year or so older than I am. Gone. Wonderful wife and 7 year old son - left behind.

I don't want to be next. I have these dreams that I'm at my own funeral. I can't seem to tell people that I'm there. It's crazy. I see them crying. I cry, too. But I can't. Because I'm not there. It's all so surreal, and I wake up wondering how I got back into life.

Does this mean I'm going soon? Does it mean I'm scared? Does it mean that my life is changing drastically? I have no clue.

I do know that I made the best chocolate bark the other night.

Equal parts of coconut oil, cocoa powder and honey. All organic, please.

Melt together. Pour into a glass container lined with parchment paper - make it a THIN layer. Freeze for an hour. Break apart when solid. Keep in fridge. Watch your kid enjoy this stuff and think that they're getting away with junk food.

Seriously.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time in the gym this morning - hubs away on business. Lifted for 30 minutes, but didn't lollygag or chit chat or Facebook or text or whatever. It was intense. Then, the rowing machine for an hour. Let's see how my back feels tomorrow. If it's ok, I'll do it all again.

I have so much to do, yet I just want to lay in bed and watch a movie. I didn't even touch my instrument today - that never happens. I'm just emotionally spent.

My hair has been feeling a bit straw like. I put it up in a bun for the service, but before I did, I slathered it with coconut oil. OH MY GOD. It is like actual hair now, the kind that you want to have on your head. I love this shit. My skin has been amazing on it - I use it as a makeup remover and moisturizer at night. It's a bit slick for under makeup, so I still use this stuff with, what we refer to as, snail pee. It's the slime from snails, somehow.

Ok. I need to coconut my face, brush my teeth (maybe even do some oil pulling). I'd really love to buy fewer products and just use nature. Yes. That includes *Cancer Medication*. These f*cking pills I take nightly that are slowly killing me. Methinks that is not the best way to go - by the cure. And, it's not a cure. Agh. Can I just drink coconut oil every night to kill the cancer? I mean, seriously...

Golden Milk.

Yeah. I know, at least my left side will never produce milk again (uh, not that I'm really looking to have another child OR become a Wet Nurse OR become an "actress" in some weird fetish crap).

I'm talking about turmeric. We've been taking it since my diagnosis. I've read over and over about making it into a paste and adding to milk with some spices. Blech. Right? WRONG!

So, there are a lot of recipes out there. Here's how I did mine:

1 part organic turmeric to 4 parts of super water (the stuff that comes out of my ridiculous new filter)

Cook on stovetop, get it to boil and cook about 8 minutes. STIR CONSTANTLY, or those yellow bubbles will stain every god damned thing in the room.

Put yellow goop in glass jars, and when cool, refrigerate. Covered. Yeah, I didn't think you were dumb, but still.

When you get a hankering for some pain relief etc., take maybe a tablespoon of said goop, put in saucepan with some unsweetened vanilla almond milk (or milk of your choice, but please use organic only!) Heat until it looks like some creepy yellow milky shit. Pour into your favorite mug and add a spoon of raw organic honey (we like the waxy kind), ginger, cinnamon, and black pepper. Even add some coconut oil if you'd like.

There are a lot of things that are reportedly results of ingesting turmeric. Here are mine:

Pain relief. It definitely cuts down swelling.
Happiness. I can't describe it, but it's like a glass of prozac (not that I know what that feels like, but am guessing!)
Appetite suppressant. Something about the tartness and sweetness I guess.

It is, of course supposed to do a lot more but these are the things that I could feel. I had a glass last night and one this morning and am planning on another tonight. My joints hurt just a little less, I got through my workout with minimal cursing.

Ooh - another fun thing happened today! I got my "period"! Yeah, it's in quotes because really, it's 1/20th of what I would normally experience. It sounds glam until you're living in this hellish nightmare called medically induced fake ass menopause. But, I'm glad for a trickle. And only 5 days late - last month was 2 weeks! Cramping a bit, but I'll bet that turmeric concoction will help - it is all about inflammation, no?

Hubby massaged half my jaw last night. It hurt like hell, but I didn't stop him. I've been having so much jaw pain that I'm worried it's going to just break off at the hinge. But he dug in, I was half asleep. I woke up and half of my jaw felt a little relief!!! It actually feels a little bruised, and I don't give a crap. It's still relief. He promised to massage the other half tonight when he gets home, late. I guess I'll lose out on more sleep for the good of jaw pain. Worth it.

Also, had a mammo and soon last Thursday - all good. At least there's only one side to torture! I joked with both technicians and they always seems surprised. After all, I'm a young(ish) woman with cancer. How can I laugh at a time like this? Are you fucking kidding me? You have my only breast squished up in a clear vice grip, asking me to relax, but not breathe, but breathe, compresscompresscompress until it seems that any tumor that may exist would pop and immediately render me full of cancer, from head to toe!  The sonogram? I just wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl.

My daughter asked me again about the tamoxifen. We discussed it, the drug companies, things that are illegal that could cure me and countless others. Fear. Money. Playing with peoples lives to keep an "industry" afloat. She suggested that in my travels for work, I could locate alternative cures and just do it that way. She said she doesn't like the tamoxifen. I agree. She certainly is my child.

At least I finally colored my hair tonight. The grey hairs are multiplying like mad on this stuff. I buy a "natural" hair color - it's ok. At least my hair doesn't feel like straw and it does cover the grey. It smells awful - not that the commercial stuff smelled good. But yuck... I need to spray my head with something tomorrow so it doesn't make me want to vomit. Ahhhh, good times.

Not as homicidal today!

Yippee! Still not awesome, but for some reason, I didn't feel like throwing someone from a window. 

I did realize that if I were a normal woman, I'd have gotten my period today. Hey. Last one took 6 weeks. Maybe my PMS was on target but the actual cycle is going to be late. If at all. 

Hubby seems more interested in researching steroids with me. Perhaps that explains my slightly uplifted mood. 

Joints hurt. Tired. Ravenous. Thirsty like crazy. Jaw kills. Feel chubby. Otherwise? Awesome. Yes. I typed in a sarcastic tone. 

I guess the snowstorm is helping. At least I made it home in one piece. And I guess this all means that in my new life - it was a *good* day. Moveable do. Music nerds will understand. 

Made it through another day without tossing myself off of the ledge or alienating anyone. I think.

Boy. The tamoxirage is getting worse. Trying to discuss possible kitchen renovations turned into a screaming match about how to hold the tape measure or something. 

And honestly, I want to fix the apartment in case I "expire" prematurely. If the cancer doesn't get me, the tamoxifen may. And I know hubs, he won't spend the money I leave (or the insurance cash) to put in new cabinets. Seems frivolous, but not to me. If I'm gone, I want everyone to be comfy. Me, snuggled up in an urn. Sure, I'd be so ashy that no amount of lotion could fix me... Egads. 

And if I manage to survive a while, I want a new damned kitchen. There. I win regardless. 

But this psycho shit has to stop. Oh my god. 

Sickness lingering. Rage. Joint pain. Ravenous. It's all a recipe for "ahhhhhhhh!!!"

On top of everything , after hubby left for work, mad at me, his cancerous mass of a bride, my girl and I discovered that she has a test tomorrow. Um. What? So we spent about 3 hours studying. Guess what? If she doesn't ace this shit, I'll be shocked. Went from nothing to everything. I kept my head, mostly. 

A January Christmas Miracle, I tell ya.