Tamoxiteetertotter

That almost looks vulgar for some reason - tamoxiteetertotter. But I'll leave it. The leg cramps have improved a bit. I gained a pound, but I'm pretty sure that has to do with the AMAZING FRIED CHICKEN we had for dinner Saturday (New Yorkers - don't sleep on Hill Country Chicken - Oh my God. It's magic, and I don't ever think fried food is worth it. Except for that!)  Ok, I also shared a Salted Margarita Pie with pretzel crust with hubby. By share, I think I ate 3/4 of it. But it's a single serving! As per the menu:

"our riff on key lime pie made with tequila, Grand Marnier, and a salty pretzel crust. Just like a margarita with salt!"

Methinks I will have to recreate this masterpiece at home. Much like Advocaat. A friend who is of Polish heritage mentioned this "drink" to me about a week ago - really, it's freaking PUDDING. And amazing. Be prepared to eat the entire recipe. That's why I only made 1/3 of it. Eggs, sugar and brandy. Whip and cook and devour! I'm tempted to make it again tonight, but we'll see... If you like Bailey's, Schmailey's, Egg Nog, or anything sweet and creamy - you are in big shit, my friend. And you will thank me endlessly.

Back to... CANCER!

My girl and I were having a day for ourselves yesterday (hubs away on biz). She had been a bit cranky, taking after her father. Hubby and I are positive people (see: this whole cancer shit and how we've been having a wonderful life as newleyweds despite my missing tit, the ridiculous burns that left me in shocking pain for weeks, the fighting with oncologists about medication, and the general stress of it all!) 

My ex, he's a victim, always. Nothing is his fault. I won't get into his faults, but I'm pretty sure at 50, he could probably do something with his life. Something positive. But instead, he throws blame, cries victim, and waits for people to save him. I did years ago - but I got smart and left him. I'm sure he still blames me for our breakup, rather than our complete and utter incompatibility. Oh, and my desire to NOT have to care for my husband who is almost 10 years older than I am.

So, girlie was grumpy like her Dad often is. I kept trying to convince her it's better to be happy. I told her "I have cancer. Do you see me all grumpy and complaining about everything?" (of course she doesn't see this blog, but I don't think it's too whiny, is it?)  She told me that I no longer have cancer because they cut and burned it out. Yes, she was mad at me for trying to make her happy. WHAT? So we had a long talk about it. We think I no longer have cancer. I am on medication, and am in the process of being reconstructed. I have at least 3 surgeries ahead of me short term (if I want a nipple!)  But I don't know - if I truly were cancer free, I wouldn't be on this tamoxifen for 5-10 years, would I? It would be totally unnecessary. I am a cancer patient, and will remain so for the rest of my life.

I asked her about my mood after surgery, during radiation. Yeah, I was tired as hell. Yeah, I was in pain and hated how altered my life had become, how deformed I felt, how damaged I was. But, I was still fun as hell! I still had a good time! Fuck Cancer. But I still have it. It's not going to win. The day I crumble under all of this is the day I give any remaining cancer cells the right to run rampant in my body and kill me off. 

And I truly believe that. For everyone.

The truth is that we all have cancer cells. Yes, even you. So stop being all grouchy and encourage the good cells to kick ass. Why the cancer cells got me and not my cranky ex husband, well, I don't have an answer. But I know that cancer does run in my family - perhaps the fucking bomb at Hiroshima or Nagasaki infected my mother and her sister, eventually killing them by warping their cells beyond repair. My uncle (mom's brother) and his daughter too. And when I was conceived, maybe along with my good skin and nails, my mom's eyes, and my sometimes impatience and short temper, but also my love for good food and laughter and music - maybe I got some of those Bomb Cells that killed everyone else off (except my cousin, so far!)  And, being diagnosed WAY older than the other ladies (and gentleman), maybe my leaning toward happiness vibe has kept those little fuckers in lockdown. Who knows what brought them out - there have been many stressful events in my life. I've always had cysts, lumps, bumps, things marked "Suspicious".  (It was Colonel Mustard in the Library with a Candlestick!)  

Well, Colonel Mustard can take that candlestick and... 

I'm having a good life now, despite the cancer. I can't believe I miss my breast. I never really cared much either way - but now, it's impossible to dress without feeling self consicous. 

I just got a call for perhaps one of the more exciting gigs of my life (and I have had tons of thrilling gigs - so this is amazing!), coming up next month. I get to play, up close and personal, for a very amazing family and 50 of their guests. Of course, I have no clue what I should wear. Because I'm deformed and nothing fits right. I'm hoping the MD (musical director, not medical doctor!) will tell me soon. He isn't hip to my whole boob dilemma, which is ironic since the last time we worked together on a tv show was 2 days before my mastectomy. If I don't hear in a week, I'll email him and tell him what's up. My cancer has been written about in a magazine, I'm out of the closet - but not everyone is in my little radar. So, if he knows, cool. If he doesn't, I guess he will. But I never want to get that whole "Oh my God, you're dying. I'm so sorry. Can I do anything to make your transitional time more comfortable?" Yeah. I think we can avoid that whole scenario. Damnit, I only have a few bras that look even on me - let me know what to wear so I can go shopping, 'cuz I'm pretty sure the few things I have will not work out. Except my New Year's Eve dress... hmmm! Let's hope silver is ok if I don't get an answer!

Anyway, Cancer schmancer. Fuck it. This Friday is my pre-op. The next surgery is two months from then, but we wanted to get it done ASAP in case someone cancels and I can go in earlier. Though, the way that my calendar is filling up, that might not be possible regardless. Note: Not complaining about the work quality or quantity that is coming in.

I had my serious furniture shopping spree (totally worth it, we really needed some new stuff to replace the crap that was falling apart!) and then hubby's laptop died, so we invested in another MacBook Pro. Now we have 3. Excessive? Well, the old one is unreliable and clunky. My daughter doesn't seem to mind! We both need good machines for recording and score writing (ummm, yeah... I'll try and learn Sibelius soon... ) I'm so thrilled to not have to look at the old Dell. I'm sure hubby's bag is a lot lighter with the new Mac! And he's adjusted with the greatest of ease. Which makes me happy (I'm a die-hard Mac user, and I also work on a PC when I'm at the non-profit working... I'll be the place would no longer be a non-profit if they got Mac's that work all the time!  We wouldn't even need an IT department!) But wow - a lot of expenses all at once - I'm so glad for the gigs!

There have been drastic cutbacks where I work - it's a statewide thing in our sector. A few folks have been laid off and it really made me sad. I hope I can hang in. I need the insurance - duh! And I like it there. Especially now, without my ridiculous supervisor (who's on maternity leave). In fact, myself and a part time temp have been doing our jobs AND her job. Hmmm.  Inefficient, much? Well, I don't wish anyone to lose a job. She just had a baby. But, it is fascinating to me all the same that we're doing fine. And, I'm paid so low - and am not complaining - I get crazy flexibility to tour and of course, great benefits including health! I get sick and vacation days! And I work for a Very Good Cause. My bosses (except for the new supervisor, luckily she's out for a couple months more) are all amazing as are my co-workers. Well, so far so good. But there have been major cutbacks. So we're all just doing our best and picking up when others are let go.

Enough of that. Last night my girl and I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In bed. With popcorn. I do not allow food in bedrooms, it's gross. Last night was an exception. Things have been stressful more often than not, so I decided slumber party vibe was good. She really enjoyed it and I'm thrilled that she did!  And we didn't spill any popcorn, I don't think...

Tamoxisuck

Here are the side effects I have been enjoying thusfar:

Hot flashes
Massive and constant calf cramps
Exhaustion
Crackly joints (mostly wrists)

But - I have dropped 5 lbs (not effortlessly, but I'm thrilled to hover around my pre-diagnosis stress weight) and haven't been a super grouch, haven't had a blood clot kill me. So overall, I guess it still remains in the win column. Tamoxiwin. Sort of.

However - this muscle shit is bugging me out. I feel like I've been doing calf raises for a week non-stop. I also detest being so tired. 5 cups of coffee today felt like massive melatonin doses.

One month is under my belt, so one more before (legend has it) the side effects affect me less. I can make it. Can't I?

Sleep is overrated. Or, why the f(*(&Y&^ couldn't I stay asleep this morning?

Rolled home at about 1:30am from a gig in Philly, and got to sleep around 4am. Woke up at 6am. Why? My alarm was set for 8am (not for fun, I actually have a lot to do today).  My head is NOT loving me right now - but I had a great evening, a great show, and I kept my diet in check. In Philly.

Got to the club and they weren't ready to soundcheck. The band was down the street eating Philly Cheesesteaks. Luckily, I was smart and made myself an organic peanut butter sandwich on Ezekiel bread right before leaving. The old me? I used to eat so much - I LOVE FOOD. I'm a foodie. Growing up poor, I still clean every speck off of my plate as habit - can't waste a morsel. Starving children in other countries... I get it. But now - I want to get a grip on something in my life, and of course, I don't want to be bloated for a show.  Plus, this joint was NOT famous for cheesesteaks, so really - there was no point in the calories. Plus, I wasn't hungry.

I have officially reached my pre-cancer weight this morning. Thank you, brain, for keeping me from ordering a big old nasty plate full of bleached flour bread with meat scraps and government cheese. Damn, that sounds tasty right now, though!

I even came home to leftover pizza - I ordered for my girl and our friends who hung with her last night (hubs had a gig and arrived home about 30 minutes after I did). I ordered 2 pizzas and 2 salads - half of a salad was gone as were 9 slices - which left 7. I brushed my teeth, poured a Schmailey's (definitely worth the calories!), hubby came home and devoured 2 slices while I had a second Schmailey's (it's a small glass, promise!) I watched him eat and wiped the drool off of my chin, but I knew that at 2am my body did NOT need white flour crust and government cheese and tomato sauce. Now - I may have a slice before I head out the door, but I can NOT believe the restraint I have shown in the past few weeks. Ever since the Tamoxifen.

I don't know. Maybe I hate the idea of putting that stuff in my body on a chronic basis, that I want to keep as much as I can in check. And yes, I've been afraid of gaining weight on the dreaded meds - *everyone* does. Well, Fuck That. I have worked too hard all of my adult life becoming the shape I am now to throw that away because of some fucking cancer shit.

Plus, think of the savings! Haha. Co-pay for tamoxifen: $10/month. Savings on food bills: way more than $10/month. The other night I wanted steak but had hubby cook 2 NY Strips and divvy it up between the three of us. In the past? I would have eaten an entire strip and chased it with a bowl of cereal or something. And yes, the steak was grass fed organic. Life is too short to cook with crappy ingredients. More expensive? Duh. But hey - life is to be enjoyed, not destroyed.

I think I just made that up. Maybe it's the coffee talking.

Holy Crap. I'm tired. Guess I'll warm up before I head out. On my agenda - apple buying at the farmers market! We ran out - a tragedy in my world. Especially the yummy ones that actually came off of a tree, not gassed in a basement and/or trucked across the country.

And yes, that pizza is calling me. I'm going to make it happen, and it's going to be delicious and well deserved.

What a tool.

We nearly completed the desk! I need to get hubby a tool belt - he's awesome. The first man I've ever been with who is not only helpful with building things, but better than I am. I'm impatient. But I've always been the one to do everything. I built my daughters bunk beds by myself - balancing the top bunk, once built, on my head so that I could attach them. Yes. I built a huge entertainment center when I was 8 months pregnant. By myself. Now? I have a PARTNER! We didn't have enough time to affix the back piece of wood because he had to go to work, but wow. What a feeling. I'm not alone.

So now, after having lost my barbecue pounds (really, that intermittent fasting is rocking my world at the moment) I am enjoying a Schmailey's.  Haven't had much alcohol since Sunday, and that was a beer (with barbecue - lots of it - hence, the extra poundage).  I deserve a treat, dammit. Oh, that was 2 days ago. Well, anyway... I still deserve a treat!

My finger hurts. Yeah, it hurts to type, too. The only worry is that it's on my left hand, where the lymph nodes were stolen. I hope it won't become infected. Feels like an ingrown nail. If it's painful tomorrow I'm calling my doc. I hate this paranoia with lymphedema. I do tend to get ingrown nails once in a while (I have the worlds strongest nails and keep them very short because they remind me too much of growing up and painting my ridiculously long nails in high school - gross!) But I need to be more careful.

No hot flashes today. My neck is chronically a little bumpy now. But I'm hoping it will go away, since I'm mildly obsessed with my skin. I'm going to keep aloe by the bed tonight and if I get struck down by a hot flash, I'm gonna dump the goop on my neck. Good idea? Maybe. We'll see.

2 more huge pieces of furniture to build, but first, we need to get the desk up and running. I assume that will be much of our activity tomorrow evening. I love stuff like this. Life improvements. Isn't that what it's about?

Also, I got my taxes back from my tax dude, and I'm glad that I had anticipated being able to pay for the furniture. Yippee!

Ok, maybe another Schmailey's in bed while I pretend to read a little, play some Words with Friends if I have any moves, and some deep sleep. Last night I knocked out hard. Is it the Tamoxirest? I had a hard time getting up this morning, but my body is sleep deprived, and it really didn't want to move (though it did wake up before my alarm, as usual!)

So much to do, so happy to do it all. Weird.  This Tamoxismile shit is really powerful! I'm almost 3 weeks in... losing weight, feeling happier, and well - I'll take the little hot flashes if that is the worst that will happen. At least for a while, I need to hit that 2 month mark to know what's REALLY up! But so far? As hubs says, so far it's going pretty good.

One more thing. Last night I dreamt that I had my next surgery.  I was awake, talking with my surgeon, deciding which size implant to use. We finally settled on one, he popped it in, and I just got up and was walking around, blahblahblah, then we realized that he never sealed me up! Weird, no?

Well, put away my passport and write me a check...

Trip was canned! I sure hope it wasn't an April Fools Day joke - and by now I know it wasn't... the promoters overseas didn't hold up their total financial bargain, so we're staying put! YAY! Why am I happy? Because I get to stay home, a really fun gig I gave up for the trip is still mine now (they chose to not replace me but just do without), the rest of the furniture boxes just arrived and we get to build furniture every night until it's done, and we don't have to scramble for child care because of my trip (except Friday for my gig)... and I'm getting partial pay for the hassle!

Yes. That's what's UP. While I would have enjoyed the trip and the gigs, my mind is really feeling better right now. Whew. And while I would have enjoyed the full check (plus per diem) I'm totally cool hanging. Building. Cuddling. Working. And not packing right now!

Life is funny. Sometimes in a "haha" way, sometimes in a *cringe* way. So far, I'm giggling.

We had barbecue last night. A lot. Apparently, enough to pack a few pounds back on me. Even with Tamoxithin, you ask? Why yes, it seems it passed by the magic diet pill - but maybe it's just sodium. Or my PMS.  Luckily the Tamoxithin makes me happy, so no more mood swings!

*yes, keep telling yourself that Tamoxi"thin" is an anti-depressant, a diet pill, and anything else you want*  IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

I have been experiencing hot flashes though - accompanied by heat rash on my neck. How the heck do I get rid of the bumps besides wait???  I used to get heat rash as a kid, my kid gets it too. Ugh. But, if that's the worst.... plus it's TEMPORARY. In fact, it will probably never happen again.

And no, I'm not enjoying a glass of wine at the moment. I'm truly this delusional.

I'm exhausted. It's 8pm. Methinks I will not build furniture tonight, though I want to. Hubby got a gig, and I'd be on my own. Perhaps I will just collapse in bed within the next two hours and hopefully stay collapsed until tomorrow morning's alarm. And not before. It seems I consistently wake up before my alarm. Sometimes way before. And I don't waste the extra time, but damn, I would love some sleep!!!

Furniture tomorrow. If I start pulling things out, I will not sleep until it is 100% done. And that is not in my best interest right now.

I'm BAAAAACK!

Woke up this morning to rehearse Easter music with Hubby (our first churchy gig together!) and then went to the gym before errands, an interview (in which no mention of my cancer was uttered - did they not do their research, or did they want it to be centered around me as a musician?)

When hubby came back home after my phone interview and his appointment with the Tax Man, he said that I looked like myself again. Meaning, my arms. I really have been feeling disappointed in the muscle atrophy, in addition to the battle of the bulge. As of yesterday morning, I almost made it to my pre-cancer stress weight (and gained back 2 due to an unfortunate meeting with my daughter's cereal late at night, but that will work it's way out). But, hitting the gym hard again... even thought certain exercises are outlawed or modified enough to feel worthless, has paid off. And what I can do? I push myself. A lot. My arms are starting to show an actual shape again, instead of 2 overstuffed sausages hanging out at the Deli. I have deltoids! And other stuff, but the delts are what I missed most. I'm not 100% back, but just seeing them is like the first rays of sunlight after a storm.

I also have to pack - headed to the far east on Tuesday. For 2 shows. Back late Sunday. That means we have 3 days there, two different locations, travel in between. Methinks we won't see much, but do I care? Not really. I eagerly anticipate having 2 great shows, getting some interesting things at the airport shops, and coming back to my family. I always missed my daughter when I was on the road, but I never had a man to miss. Yes, I had boyfriends, but it was always a relief to leave. Now? I can't stand the thought, but work is necessary and enjoyable, and I know that everything is taken care of.

Oh, and I had my first HOT FLASH! Whoopee!!!

Tamoxithin

I promised hubby that I would post about Tamoxifen.

I've now popped 10 pills and have lost about 3 pounds.

This has NOT been an effortless weight loss, but my fear of this medication has made me really buckle down on what I know.

What has been so helpful is Intermittent Fasting. I am a former personal trainer, and I would train hard, 6 days a week, eat every few hours, and had a 16% body fat when I was pregnant. I looked more male than female at times (pretty sure my estrogen was in a cancer-free-safety-zone back then!).  My life is different now. Very Different.

It's only been 10 days. But the hardest part is the first 2 months, from what everyone says. I think if I had taken the tamoxifen under the Nasty Oncologist, I would have ballooned, I would be depressed, all the other crap that I was told it would do to me. But, now that I've reset my brain, I refuse to gain weight, which takes a lot of effort (lots of gym time and diet watching). I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to let a blood clot go to my brain and kill me. I refuse to feel my joints ache. I can't say that these things won't effect me in the future, but I'm doing my best to avoid it. I'm doing my best to tell my brain that I will not only be ok, but I will actually be better. Thus, our new name for the "wonder drug".  We joke that everyone should take it. Lucky me!

So there's that.

Just had a gig confirmed overseas. I'm thrilled for the work, but am now scrambling for child care, as hubby is very busy that week too. And ex hubby and his family are going to be on vacation. I do joke that he really needs a vacation, dodging child support is hard work. But, it is what it is. I can't change him. I can just be sure that I we live the way we should. So here we are, scrambling for child care. Out of 5 nights needed, we managed to change hubbys travel plans (so he'll lose one day of work), got one night covered, so there's only 3 left. Please cross your fingers that we have it all squared away ASAP.

I'm so grateful to have found my man. I would never have been this calm about this type of situation in the past. Granted, I'm still me, and feel like I have about 20% of the anxiety that I would have in the past. That's ok. I'll take it.

So. Here I go. Lifting weights at home while watching old Quantum Leap on Netflix (as if there were new ones? Hah) Taking care of business before I take my girl out for dinner. It's a fried chicken joint. But that's ok. I'm nearly at my pre-diagnosis weight now, and I know that what I'm doing is Good. And if I gain 2 lbs. of Fried Chicken Belly, I'll lose it in a few days. That's the magic of Tamoxithin!

Yeah, check back in a couple of days...  but so far it's going pretty good.