"our riff on key lime pie made with tequila, Grand Marnier, and a salty pretzel crust. Just like a margarita with salt!"
Methinks I will have to recreate this masterpiece at home. Much like Advocaat. A friend who is of Polish heritage mentioned this "drink" to me about a week ago - really, it's freaking PUDDING. And amazing. Be prepared to eat the entire recipe. That's why I only made 1/3 of it. Eggs, sugar and brandy. Whip and cook and devour! I'm tempted to make it again tonight, but we'll see... If you like Bailey's, Schmailey's, Egg Nog, or anything sweet and creamy - you are in big shit, my friend. And you will thank me endlessly.
Back to... CANCER!
My girl and I were having a day for ourselves yesterday (hubs away on biz). She had been a bit cranky, taking after her father. Hubby and I are positive people (see: this whole cancer shit and how we've been having a wonderful life as newleyweds despite my missing tit, the ridiculous burns that left me in shocking pain for weeks, the fighting with oncologists about medication, and the general stress of it all!)
My ex, he's a victim, always. Nothing is his fault. I won't get into his faults, but I'm pretty sure at 50, he could probably do something with his life. Something positive. But instead, he throws blame, cries victim, and waits for people to save him. I did years ago - but I got smart and left him. I'm sure he still blames me for our breakup, rather than our complete and utter incompatibility. Oh, and my desire to NOT have to care for my husband who is almost 10 years older than I am.
So, girlie was grumpy like her Dad often is. I kept trying to convince her it's better to be happy. I told her "I have cancer. Do you see me all grumpy and complaining about everything?" (of course she doesn't see this blog, but I don't think it's too whiny, is it?) She told me that I no longer have cancer because they cut and burned it out. Yes, she was mad at me for trying to make her happy. WHAT? So we had a long talk about it. We think I no longer have cancer. I am on medication, and am in the process of being reconstructed. I have at least 3 surgeries ahead of me short term (if I want a nipple!) But I don't know - if I truly were cancer free, I wouldn't be on this tamoxifen for 5-10 years, would I? It would be totally unnecessary. I am a cancer patient, and will remain so for the rest of my life.
I asked her about my mood after surgery, during radiation. Yeah, I was tired as hell. Yeah, I was in pain and hated how altered my life had become, how deformed I felt, how damaged I was. But, I was still fun as hell! I still had a good time! Fuck Cancer. But I still have it. It's not going to win. The day I crumble under all of this is the day I give any remaining cancer cells the right to run rampant in my body and kill me off.
And I truly believe that. For everyone.
The truth is that we all have cancer cells. Yes, even you. So stop being all grouchy and encourage the good cells to kick ass. Why the cancer cells got me and not my cranky ex husband, well, I don't have an answer. But I know that cancer does run in my family - perhaps the fucking bomb at Hiroshima or Nagasaki infected my mother and her sister, eventually killing them by warping their cells beyond repair. My uncle (mom's brother) and his daughter too. And when I was conceived, maybe along with my good skin and nails, my mom's eyes, and my sometimes impatience and short temper, but also my love for good food and laughter and music - maybe I got some of those Bomb Cells that killed everyone else off (except my cousin, so far!) And, being diagnosed WAY older than the other ladies (and gentleman), maybe my leaning toward happiness vibe has kept those little fuckers in lockdown. Who knows what brought them out - there have been many stressful events in my life. I've always had cysts, lumps, bumps, things marked "Suspicious". (It was Colonel Mustard in the Library with a Candlestick!)
Well, Colonel Mustard can take that candlestick and...
I'm having a good life now, despite the cancer. I can't believe I miss my breast. I never really cared much either way - but now, it's impossible to dress without feeling self consicous.
I just got a call for perhaps one of the more exciting gigs of my life (and I have had tons of thrilling gigs - so this is amazing!), coming up next month. I get to play, up close and personal, for a very amazing family and 50 of their guests. Of course, I have no clue what I should wear. Because I'm deformed and nothing fits right. I'm hoping the MD (musical director, not medical doctor!) will tell me soon. He isn't hip to my whole boob dilemma, which is ironic since the last time we worked together on a tv show was 2 days before my mastectomy. If I don't hear in a week, I'll email him and tell him what's up. My cancer has been written about in a magazine, I'm out of the closet - but not everyone is in my little radar. So, if he knows, cool. If he doesn't, I guess he will. But I never want to get that whole "Oh my God, you're dying. I'm so sorry. Can I do anything to make your transitional time more comfortable?" Yeah. I think we can avoid that whole scenario. Damnit, I only have a few bras that look even on me - let me know what to wear so I can go shopping, 'cuz I'm pretty sure the few things I have will not work out. Except my New Year's Eve dress... hmmm! Let's hope silver is ok if I don't get an answer!
Anyway, Cancer schmancer. Fuck it. This Friday is my pre-op. The next surgery is two months from then, but we wanted to get it done ASAP in case someone cancels and I can go in earlier. Though, the way that my calendar is filling up, that might not be possible regardless. Note: Not complaining about the work quality or quantity that is coming in.
I had my serious furniture shopping spree (totally worth it, we really needed some new stuff to replace the crap that was falling apart!) and then hubby's laptop died, so we invested in another MacBook Pro. Now we have 3. Excessive? Well, the old one is unreliable and clunky. My daughter doesn't seem to mind! We both need good machines for recording and score writing (ummm, yeah... I'll try and learn Sibelius soon... ) I'm so thrilled to not have to look at the old Dell. I'm sure hubby's bag is a lot lighter with the new Mac! And he's adjusted with the greatest of ease. Which makes me happy (I'm a die-hard Mac user, and I also work on a PC when I'm at the non-profit working... I'll be the place would no longer be a non-profit if they got Mac's that work all the time! We wouldn't even need an IT department!) But wow - a lot of expenses all at once - I'm so glad for the gigs!
There have been drastic cutbacks where I work - it's a statewide thing in our sector. A few folks have been laid off and it really made me sad. I hope I can hang in. I need the insurance - duh! And I like it there. Especially now, without my ridiculous supervisor (who's on maternity leave). In fact, myself and a part time temp have been doing our jobs AND her job. Hmmm. Inefficient, much? Well, I don't wish anyone to lose a job. She just had a baby. But, it is fascinating to me all the same that we're doing fine. And, I'm paid so low - and am not complaining - I get crazy flexibility to tour and of course, great benefits including health! I get sick and vacation days! And I work for a Very Good Cause. My bosses (except for the new supervisor, luckily she's out for a couple months more) are all amazing as are my co-workers. Well, so far so good. But there have been major cutbacks. So we're all just doing our best and picking up when others are let go.
Enough of that. Last night my girl and I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In bed. With popcorn. I do not allow food in bedrooms, it's gross. Last night was an exception. Things have been stressful more often than not, so I decided slumber party vibe was good. She really enjoyed it and I'm thrilled that she did! And we didn't spill any popcorn, I don't think...
Methinks I will have to recreate this masterpiece at home. Much like Advocaat. A friend who is of Polish heritage mentioned this "drink" to me about a week ago - really, it's freaking PUDDING. And amazing. Be prepared to eat the entire recipe. That's why I only made 1/3 of it. Eggs, sugar and brandy. Whip and cook and devour! I'm tempted to make it again tonight, but we'll see... If you like Bailey's, Schmailey's, Egg Nog, or anything sweet and creamy - you are in big shit, my friend. And you will thank me endlessly.
Back to... CANCER!
My girl and I were having a day for ourselves yesterday (hubs away on biz). She had been a bit cranky, taking after her father. Hubby and I are positive people (see: this whole cancer shit and how we've been having a wonderful life as newleyweds despite my missing tit, the ridiculous burns that left me in shocking pain for weeks, the fighting with oncologists about medication, and the general stress of it all!)
My ex, he's a victim, always. Nothing is his fault. I won't get into his faults, but I'm pretty sure at 50, he could probably do something with his life. Something positive. But instead, he throws blame, cries victim, and waits for people to save him. I did years ago - but I got smart and left him. I'm sure he still blames me for our breakup, rather than our complete and utter incompatibility. Oh, and my desire to NOT have to care for my husband who is almost 10 years older than I am.
So, girlie was grumpy like her Dad often is. I kept trying to convince her it's better to be happy. I told her "I have cancer. Do you see me all grumpy and complaining about everything?" (of course she doesn't see this blog, but I don't think it's too whiny, is it?) She told me that I no longer have cancer because they cut and burned it out. Yes, she was mad at me for trying to make her happy. WHAT? So we had a long talk about it. We think I no longer have cancer. I am on medication, and am in the process of being reconstructed. I have at least 3 surgeries ahead of me short term (if I want a nipple!) But I don't know - if I truly were cancer free, I wouldn't be on this tamoxifen for 5-10 years, would I? It would be totally unnecessary. I am a cancer patient, and will remain so for the rest of my life.
I asked her about my mood after surgery, during radiation. Yeah, I was tired as hell. Yeah, I was in pain and hated how altered my life had become, how deformed I felt, how damaged I was. But, I was still fun as hell! I still had a good time! Fuck Cancer. But I still have it. It's not going to win. The day I crumble under all of this is the day I give any remaining cancer cells the right to run rampant in my body and kill me off.
And I truly believe that. For everyone.
The truth is that we all have cancer cells. Yes, even you. So stop being all grouchy and encourage the good cells to kick ass. Why the cancer cells got me and not my cranky ex husband, well, I don't have an answer. But I know that cancer does run in my family - perhaps the fucking bomb at Hiroshima or Nagasaki infected my mother and her sister, eventually killing them by warping their cells beyond repair. My uncle (mom's brother) and his daughter too. And when I was conceived, maybe along with my good skin and nails, my mom's eyes, and my sometimes impatience and short temper, but also my love for good food and laughter and music - maybe I got some of those Bomb Cells that killed everyone else off (except my cousin, so far!) And, being diagnosed WAY older than the other ladies (and gentleman), maybe my leaning toward happiness vibe has kept those little fuckers in lockdown. Who knows what brought them out - there have been many stressful events in my life. I've always had cysts, lumps, bumps, things marked "Suspicious". (It was Colonel Mustard in the Library with a Candlestick!)
Well, Colonel Mustard can take that candlestick and...
I'm having a good life now, despite the cancer. I can't believe I miss my breast. I never really cared much either way - but now, it's impossible to dress without feeling self consicous.
I just got a call for perhaps one of the more exciting gigs of my life (and I have had tons of thrilling gigs - so this is amazing!), coming up next month. I get to play, up close and personal, for a very amazing family and 50 of their guests. Of course, I have no clue what I should wear. Because I'm deformed and nothing fits right. I'm hoping the MD (musical director, not medical doctor!) will tell me soon. He isn't hip to my whole boob dilemma, which is ironic since the last time we worked together on a tv show was 2 days before my mastectomy. If I don't hear in a week, I'll email him and tell him what's up. My cancer has been written about in a magazine, I'm out of the closet - but not everyone is in my little radar. So, if he knows, cool. If he doesn't, I guess he will. But I never want to get that whole "Oh my God, you're dying. I'm so sorry. Can I do anything to make your transitional time more comfortable?" Yeah. I think we can avoid that whole scenario. Damnit, I only have a few bras that look even on me - let me know what to wear so I can go shopping, 'cuz I'm pretty sure the few things I have will not work out. Except my New Year's Eve dress... hmmm! Let's hope silver is ok if I don't get an answer!
Anyway, Cancer schmancer. Fuck it. This Friday is my pre-op. The next surgery is two months from then, but we wanted to get it done ASAP in case someone cancels and I can go in earlier. Though, the way that my calendar is filling up, that might not be possible regardless. Note: Not complaining about the work quality or quantity that is coming in.
I had my serious furniture shopping spree (totally worth it, we really needed some new stuff to replace the crap that was falling apart!) and then hubby's laptop died, so we invested in another MacBook Pro. Now we have 3. Excessive? Well, the old one is unreliable and clunky. My daughter doesn't seem to mind! We both need good machines for recording and score writing (ummm, yeah... I'll try and learn Sibelius soon... ) I'm so thrilled to not have to look at the old Dell. I'm sure hubby's bag is a lot lighter with the new Mac! And he's adjusted with the greatest of ease. Which makes me happy (I'm a die-hard Mac user, and I also work on a PC when I'm at the non-profit working... I'll be the place would no longer be a non-profit if they got Mac's that work all the time! We wouldn't even need an IT department!) But wow - a lot of expenses all at once - I'm so glad for the gigs!
There have been drastic cutbacks where I work - it's a statewide thing in our sector. A few folks have been laid off and it really made me sad. I hope I can hang in. I need the insurance - duh! And I like it there. Especially now, without my ridiculous supervisor (who's on maternity leave). In fact, myself and a part time temp have been doing our jobs AND her job. Hmmm. Inefficient, much? Well, I don't wish anyone to lose a job. She just had a baby. But, it is fascinating to me all the same that we're doing fine. And, I'm paid so low - and am not complaining - I get crazy flexibility to tour and of course, great benefits including health! I get sick and vacation days! And I work for a Very Good Cause. My bosses (except for the new supervisor, luckily she's out for a couple months more) are all amazing as are my co-workers. Well, so far so good. But there have been major cutbacks. So we're all just doing our best and picking up when others are let go.
Enough of that. Last night my girl and I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In bed. With popcorn. I do not allow food in bedrooms, it's gross. Last night was an exception. Things have been stressful more often than not, so I decided slumber party vibe was good. She really enjoyed it and I'm thrilled that she did! And we didn't spill any popcorn, I don't think...
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