Blog from the bike

Yeah. I am blogging from the exercise bike at the gym. Woke up after much more sleep than I'm used to, but my body begged me. It was pathetic, really, so I just said "ok" and went with it. 

I've been feeling this teeter totter of detoxing. Feeling amazing, then toxic, then amazing. The good thing is that the toxicity I'm experiencing is not like before. It feels like a purge. It doesn't feel like taking poison on top of poison. Graphically speaking, it feels like food posioning might when you're expelling the offender. 

So, hubs was ready to go to the gym and I hadn't been here in 6 days - so I grabbed my new copy of THE GOOD FIGHT by Greg Holmes and Katherine Roth. 

Why am I typing instead of reading? I need a break. Every other page makes me cry. Not what I need in public. Yeah, it's human, but I don't want sweaty strangers with their leftover brunch sweat and horrific pheromones hovering. So, I put it down until I am composed again. A highly recommended read, and I'm not too far in. It's a doc and a psychiatrist couple so it's not written by some quack guru who lives in a refrigerator box and prescribes eating the antennae of roaches. They are real people and professionals. With a child. And cancer. And are unwilling to die by conventional cure. 

Anyway, my metabolism is being a bitch, but I also almost have an actual period right now. We're referring to it as a "code orange". I don't actually need a pad, liner is doing just fine, but it's encouraging and a bit of relief in a bizarre way. Cramping. And no, I am not taking an Advil. I'm breathing and taking turmeric and krill and hoping for the best. I've done enough damage to my temple. The shit needs a cleaning crew, not just a sweep under the already filthy rug. Ah. Breathing through pain. 

Ok. I have recovered emotionally from the last 2 pages that made me whimper and wipe tears away in a place when I'm usually super badass. Back to work!

Little House on the Acupuncture Table

Saw my main acupuncturist today after 3 weeks... yes, I haven't seen her since I stopped taking the poison.

I walked in and immediately heard, "Holy crap, you look terrific!!!"

Ok, my outfit was cute, but I had a huge puffy fatty down coat on. It wasn't that.

It was me. My glow. She said that for many months she saw a layer of ick on me. I'm not recalling the correct word, but ick works for me. I laid on the table and we talked about my disappearing symptoms. I did have 2 hot flashes last week but it's normal when getting off meds to have a rehashing of symptoms. My weight is the same but I'm consuming more calories. But I feel different, like my body is shifting back into it's old shape. I feel stronger and more like me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think "I don't look like the same weight as last week, but I am". But I see the shift in balance. I see my body fat percentage on the scale go down. Obviously, that's good.

So I start getting needled. A lot of vocalization, as I always feel certain points. She left the room, and I swore there was a needle in my left arm (the missing lymph one) on my pericardium meridian, which she confirmed when I told her and showed her.

As I got dressed, I was laughing to myself about the fact that while laying there, I was hearing the theme song to Little House on the Prairie.

I told her in passing as we booked for next week, and she said "Huh. Pericardium relates to childhood". Wow. That was deep. She hit my Laura Ingalls tsubo!!!  Crazy. Like, seriously.

Hubs just asked what we were giving up for Lent (kidding, of course). I told him Tamoxifen! I've got a head start!!!

My Uterus Kicked my Ass

Not really. But Saturday night, after a glorious organic meal out, we walked to our favorite jazz club. I had felt it cramping up at dinner. It wasn't the food - it was all clean and I didn't have any wheat (except for a half bite of an empanada, and it was glorious!)  It's my hormones. Now that I'm starting to get some estrogen back, and my period was technically due yesterday, my uterus is basically saying, "WHYYYYY???"

So, as the night progressed, I became more and more in pain. I mean, I thought I might give birth on the street. To an alien. With 6 heads. And he would literally chew his way out with 6 sets of ridiculously razor sharp fangs. Because he hates me.

Hubs said we should get a cab but I could not imagine getting into a seated position without my water breaking. So we hobbled.

Got home. Made very strong golden milk. Hubs drew me a hot bath.

Woke up the next morning - FINE!

Oh, hormones. I'm so sorry that I took that stupid tamoxifen for 11 months. That was dumb of me. I knew better. I didn't want to take it to begin with. I felt myself turning psychotic. I felt the pain. I knew when I developed osteopenia before the doc told me. I was not trying to kill myself, but, that's what I was doing.

So, I'm fluctuating. Yesterday, we went to the gym. I ended up going to get cupped. Google if you're not in the know. Stars do it. Smart people do it. And hey- even I do it! Been having this done on and off for many, many years. I love it. It brings a huge sense of pain relief. My marks are not particularly dark, which is good. But it felt so relieving. I may try and go again this weekend. As long as no gigs that require strappy dresses are on the menu, I'm cool with the marks! Mine aren't even that dark. I've had times in my life where they've been nearly black. TOXICITY!

I'm going through hormonal ups and downs, for sure. I'm STARVING. All the time. But, for the most part, I'm being very good. Perhaps I'm indulging in more calories than I should, but my body is asking for energy. I'm being way better than I've ever been, and that's saying a lot. And, I'm happier than I've been in, well, 11 months.

I'm back. I'm like a light with a short in it, sometimes I blink off, sometimes you have to shake me up to get me to light again. But, I'm back. I can't wait until I'm 100% back.

I just built a huge kitty condo. It's a belated Christmas/Valentine's Day gift for the kitties. Our 12 year old loves to climb up the metal ladder to the top bunk and hang. But to jump down? He literally jumps down. I'm so worried about his old bones, so this thing actually reaches that top bunk. Yikes! Their old condo is tiny. It's like the difference between having a 2 story loft space and maids quarters.  Yes, I sang the Jefferson's Theme as I built it. A deee-luxe apartment in the skyyyyyyyyy!

I have so much to do, but I'm so excited!

Hubby is on his way back home from far, far away! I should be cleaning! Making dinner!

I just went out to get new batteries for our scale (God forbid I don't know my weight on a daily basis - I have NO CLUE what I was this morning... and it sounds neurotic, but I've been so out of touch with my body and it seemed to not react to my actions on the meds, so now it's time to figure out how I can make the scales tip in my favor!) and scored some adorable leftover Valentine's Day bamboo. Heart shaped. Yay, after-holiday-sales!

I feel super achy tonight. Actually a bit all day. Time to make some golden milk. Hopefully he'll be exhausted enough to want to just crawl into bed. I'm not sure I can handle more, but the turmeric might make me feel better. Maybe some magnesium too. My muscles feel crampy. F'ing healing crisis. But hey - I'd rather be here than crying on the tamoxifen. F'ing tamoxifen.

So, off I go to make golden milk, put new batteries in the scale, do a last minute clean up, and hopefully hug my man soon. A week? I have never been with someone that I've really missed after a week. Though, I am also good with the time apart, because for once, there is real trust, real love, and hey - bring home the nitrate free organic free range bacon!!!

Here's hoping that my aches and pains go away soon... it's also raining... that never helps. xo

Healing Crisis

Woke up this morning with a rash on my cheek. Usually that kind of thing (very rare for me) is a sign that something is trying to get out. Nasty food, maybe nasty meds!

Been super clean on my diet (except for half a glass of wine at night, I need something!) Supplements... lots of water... trying to flush it out, literally!

Each day is better. My eyesight is still a disaster in the evening (now!) and I truly hope that I can regain my sight. Really? Women go freaking blind on tamoxifen. They lose their teeth. Why again is this recommended?

Speaking of teeth, had a panorex for mine today. Just in case my choppers start falling out of my head, so they can rebuild and hopefully save my career. Yeah. It's deep. But the techie said that they looked great, though wobbly. Perhaps I stopped the poison in time. My hip? Spine? Still painful. But my jaw is WAY better, and that is more important right now. The rest will come in time. Just keep taking that raw calcium, doing all of those things I do. I don't talk about faith a lot, because I get a bit ticked when people are "praying" for me and "Everything will be ok" or "It's God's will" etc. Um, really? God decided to kill my mother when I was a teen? I think not. But I have faith in the universe, that if I follow my instincts and research and think outside the Big Pharma box, I can be healed. Safely.

God's Will. My missing boob and radioactive body and fried brain cells and osteopenia are not anyone's will. If they were, then I would lose all faith in the kindness of the universe.

Anyhoo, back on track here. Healing crisis. Please let it happen quickly. My system is a bit out of wack, to say the least. So, let's get this done with and give me back my bone density, my skin clarity, my brain cells, my eyesight, my metabolism, and my sanity. Which, amazingly, is coming home to mama. Of course, there wasn't much to begin with, but I feel more level headed. Like I won't tell some stranger to f*ck off on the sidewalk and get killed.  Yippee!!!

1 week without Devil Pills, AKA Tamoxifen

I can't express how AMAZING I feel compared to a week ago.

Oh, I guess I kind of just did.

Each day has become progressively more positive. I now have a little bit of my filter back, so I'm not in as much danger of getting shot because I'm yelling at some lunatic. Oh, actually, I would be the lunatic.

I'm still super toxic. I can feel it. But I've been really good about eating as clean as I can. Taking detox stuff like Zeolite. Drinking my home brew Kombucha with chia seeds. I'm still pretty hungry but am being smart about it, I hope. My metabolism hasn't changed, but I hope it will. It's only been a week. I do feel like this horrible Tamoxifilm has been lifted from me. I felt encased in it. A layer of toxic filth.

I'm getting there. And I'm doing everything I can to do the right things so that, in the words of my oncologist, I don't regret my decision. Hey - you know what? I don't want the cancer to spread, either. But, I have felt like the living dead for at least 6 months of this past year. So, if I feel happy and like myself again, I am more able to fight back. Plus? If I die, I have been able to enjoy my time. The tamoxifen made me want to die at times. All that pain. For what? It's not even an actual cure. It's bullshit.

Hoping that my bone density will improve. Still taking those crazy live calcium supplements. My joints and hip and spine have started to feel a bit better. Is it because I'm happier? Who cares. I'm headed in a positive direction.

I am so excited to once again enjoy my life. I'm starting to get my chops together again. I really was at a point where I was afraid to accept gigs. I thought about retiring, going out on a "high note". Because physically, I had a very difficult time playing, and dancing, and smiling, really. No need to tank my career in public. But now? I have new hope that I can get back to where I was. Maybe beyond. Yes, beyond. Because I'm here to kick ass. And now I feel like I can, hopefully without dislocating my hip.

Time to clean up a bit. Hubs left for a business trip. Yeah. It's Valentine's Day, or "VD", as some folks call it. Yuck! We love each other every day and I'm thrilled he's working. I've got a full schedule tomorrow, and Sunday is a day with my little girl, as is Wednesday. The other days? Packed to the gills. But, you know what? I feel like I can function again. I went from 3-4 cups of coffee a day to 1. Ok, I'm lying because I had 2 today, but one was before the gym - the toxicity feels like it expels in spurts, and leaves me catatonic. So, I made an espresso... and struggled through my workout. It was better than nothing!

So much to do, and I'm thrilled that I can now physically do at least much of it! Tamoxifen, I hate you. Life, I love you.

Self un-medicated

Yup. As of Friday, February 7, I have been Tamoxifen free.

Do I feel different? HELLS YES!

I'm ME again, or at least, getting closer to Me.

Hubs and I went to the gym Friday after dental appointments (because my gums have been in pain, bleeding, and I was worried about all these women on tamoxifen losing teeth) and of course, my jaw pain has made me want to simply die. Have to go for a panoramic x-ray next week so we can keep track of everything. I haven't had a teeth x in many, many years, but it seems that I need it now.

At the gym, I had tears in my eyes the whole workout. My joints hurt me so badly, everything cracked as I moved (or not) and I really felt like a mass of living hairline fractures. I couldn't even do the rower because my hands were so cramped. I basically worked out like a girl. And that's not ME.

Ok, I am a girl, but I like to lift like an athlete. I no longer feel remotely like I could even play freaking ping pong.

So, hubby told me to not take my meds. That's all I needed to hear. I've wanted to stop for months (see: um, my blog!) but hearing it from his face, watching my pain, it felt like I was finally right. I tried it for nearly a year. And now, I'm completely wrecked, but hey, it could have been another 4 years and I'd be dead from the side effects.

It's only been 2 missed pills, going on 3 tonight. I worked out like a maniac, I didn't want to cry when I woke up (joint pain was minimal, as was jaw pain), I even did the rower for an hour (it was going to be 30 minutes, but I kept pushing). Then I walked for a while, and now, I'm back home. And I actually feel almost GOOD. Like, life is worth living again! Ironic, no?

I have to be super careful on my diet stuff and exercise, but I feel like I'm more in a position to heal now.

Fuck you, Tamoxifen.

Love, Me