… years are recommended for the tamoxifen.
My daughter asked me tonight: "How much longer do you have to take this cancer medication?"
This tells me that it's hurting our family.
We talked about alternative medicine. We talked about the legalities in this country.
The money wins over the cure.
Maybe I can try half doses. Because I'm still scared, like everyone else.
But I can't go on being this insane for another 4 years.
I'm going to see if I have enough turmeric to make This. We take turmeric daily, but this looks really powerful. Black pepper? I may just spread this shit on toast.
Weight struggles (gained 5 last night, for really no reason - I had a few marzipan pieces after dinner… is that enough to put 5 lbs on someone?). Increasing joint pain. Osteopenia. False menopause. A multitude of grey hair. Insanity. The shortest fuse on the planet. Dry skin which affects my musicianship. Eyes are starting to go fuzzy (after I spent all that money on lasik!!!) Did I mention - insanity???
I wish I knew what my mom went through and had done. She had some real insane periods in her cancer life, but they didn't have tamoxifen back then. I wonder if she had a hysterectomy. I remember her going bonkers and gaining weight. She, the woman who was 97 pounds at her wedding. The perpetual size extra small. It was too weird to make sense. I know she doesn't want me to end up like she did. I am guessing hormone identity theft, much like mine but MUCH worse. Why didn't people talk about this stuff with their children back then? I am seriously considering contacting her old hospital and seeing what I can do to get a hold of her records. HIPPA violation? They didn't have those back then. Do the records even exist? It was nearly 25 years ago. I'll pay for them. I don't care. They're a part of my history, and of my daughters. We deserve to know.
ps. Fuck you, Cancer.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
The Fence
I want to stop taking the tamoxifen. And then, I have the guilt. If it morphs, if it travels, I will feel bad for my family. Not me. If I were alone, I'd have no problem with it. In fact, I wouldn't have taken it in the first place if I were not a mother. Wife… eh, I'm not sure - but the kid thing really gets me. Because I was that kid. And my mom died from this shit.
Had 2 good workouts and an actual date night last night - korean chicken dinner, beer, and some laughter and tears. Yeah. All this stress has just made its way into our relationship like a meddling third party. But last night was good. I still took my fat and angry pill, despite wanting to stop. Because in the end, it's still my guilt if I remain sick and get sicker.
I have been reading about tamoxifen and depression and craziness. It's real. You can't turn off your estrogen suddenly and NOT be crazy.
Decisions. Oncology appointment in a little over a week. I guess I'll take it until then and discuss further. She'll tell me I'm doing great on it. I'll disagree. At least, I think hubby will be on my side, especially since he's on the receiving end of crazy.
But, today is so far a good day. So I'm going to go with that for now.
Had 2 good workouts and an actual date night last night - korean chicken dinner, beer, and some laughter and tears. Yeah. All this stress has just made its way into our relationship like a meddling third party. But last night was good. I still took my fat and angry pill, despite wanting to stop. Because in the end, it's still my guilt if I remain sick and get sicker.
I have been reading about tamoxifen and depression and craziness. It's real. You can't turn off your estrogen suddenly and NOT be crazy.
Decisions. Oncology appointment in a little over a week. I guess I'll take it until then and discuss further. She'll tell me I'm doing great on it. I'll disagree. At least, I think hubby will be on my side, especially since he's on the receiving end of crazy.
But, today is so far a good day. So I'm going to go with that for now.
Friday, January 3, 2014
Tamoxifen is officially an ass hole
It does something to my brain that I can't handle at times. I think I just told my husband that I would be dead when he got home. I definitely find that I drink more wine since I started. Is this worth it? Is it worth prolonging my life months or maybe a year, just to be miserable and probably certifiably bi-polar? I hate myself at these times and it's like I'm watching from the outside.
I think I'm better off not taking this shit and being happy for as long as I might have left. I think it's time to stop. Nobody needs me around like this. Especially not me, especially not my family.
I think I'm better off not taking this shit and being happy for as long as I might have left. I think it's time to stop. Nobody needs me around like this. Especially not me, especially not my family.
Please stick my head in a meat grinder and don't stop until my entire body flows through. I should be able to feed some nice family, somewhere.
Weight issues. Mood issues. Mothering issues.
I know. I have a 12 year old. She is really a smart and thoughtful kid. She is an expert on politics and is fascinated by religion, the food industry, Pokemon, Minecraft and many video games, as long as there's no violence (unless it's cartoony enough to be so unrealistic that it wouldn't spawn any serial killer tendencies). Yeah, ok. She's 12.
We had a snow day today. YAY! We've been trying (half-heartedly) to jail brake my old iPhone which works perfectly well, but is in the Verizon network, and now we're all in the T-mobile world. I got a new phone, and hers sucks, so we thought we could try and flip this thing. She read instructions, I did what she told me, but it was basically updating and backing up. Whether or not she read it properly, or interpreted it properly, that's all we did. She gets angry - and so do I… but I wasn't. I simply told her what we had done, and that there must be more. It turned into a fierce battle. I'm trying to explain to her how folks help and expect kindness in return. In all aspects of life. Hubs and I cook and clean and do laundry (ok, truth? He does laundry, but it all works out and I'm forever grateful!) GRATEFUL. Yes, key word. She acts like it's the worst thing in the world to take out the garbage, supposedly one of her meager chores, that we have to scream about to get her to do it. I dropped some stuff in the kitchen during this talk (because, of course I was doing work to help the family) and she started to help and threw it all on the floor, because I didn't say anything as of that moment that she had started to help for a half second.
I had to do pretty much everything in my house from the time my mom got sick with the stupid cancer. I cooked and cleaned and did laundry. I even did yard work with a broken foot, because the "men" in my family were so f'ing lazy and apathetic. I was embarrassed about our filthy home and dirt poor life and tried to make it a little better. Now? We're not rich - barely middle class, if at all… but I find ways of keeping a nice home and always having quality food for dinner, good clothing, and just a nice home all around.
I want her to desire more from her life. It took me a long time to get there - and by the time I really got it, I was diagnosed with cancer! WHAT THE FUCK? It's like some cruel joke, but here I am.
She now owes me a 5 page handwritten essay on what it is to be a family. So far, she has slammed the door, thrown things, and is now in bed under her covers. It started out as 2. I'm trying like hell to not go in there and make it 6.
I think it's time for a glass of wine. 4:20pm. Good enough. At least I'm down a couple of lbs, though that could all change. Emotional eater + Tamoxifen + 12 year old daughter = STRETCH PANTS BUSTING AT THE SEAMS.
I need a massage. I will now let a glass of wine massage my brain a bit. I wish I could kill my cancer with a second glass of wine. Perhaps I will try anyway. I think I'll do my nails too - thank goodness for natural nail polish in freaky colors. Sometimes the little things make us smile. I need one. Bad.
I know. I have a 12 year old. She is really a smart and thoughtful kid. She is an expert on politics and is fascinated by religion, the food industry, Pokemon, Minecraft and many video games, as long as there's no violence (unless it's cartoony enough to be so unrealistic that it wouldn't spawn any serial killer tendencies). Yeah, ok. She's 12.
We had a snow day today. YAY! We've been trying (half-heartedly) to jail brake my old iPhone which works perfectly well, but is in the Verizon network, and now we're all in the T-mobile world. I got a new phone, and hers sucks, so we thought we could try and flip this thing. She read instructions, I did what she told me, but it was basically updating and backing up. Whether or not she read it properly, or interpreted it properly, that's all we did. She gets angry - and so do I… but I wasn't. I simply told her what we had done, and that there must be more. It turned into a fierce battle. I'm trying to explain to her how folks help and expect kindness in return. In all aspects of life. Hubs and I cook and clean and do laundry (ok, truth? He does laundry, but it all works out and I'm forever grateful!) GRATEFUL. Yes, key word. She acts like it's the worst thing in the world to take out the garbage, supposedly one of her meager chores, that we have to scream about to get her to do it. I dropped some stuff in the kitchen during this talk (because, of course I was doing work to help the family) and she started to help and threw it all on the floor, because I didn't say anything as of that moment that she had started to help for a half second.
I had to do pretty much everything in my house from the time my mom got sick with the stupid cancer. I cooked and cleaned and did laundry. I even did yard work with a broken foot, because the "men" in my family were so f'ing lazy and apathetic. I was embarrassed about our filthy home and dirt poor life and tried to make it a little better. Now? We're not rich - barely middle class, if at all… but I find ways of keeping a nice home and always having quality food for dinner, good clothing, and just a nice home all around.
I want her to desire more from her life. It took me a long time to get there - and by the time I really got it, I was diagnosed with cancer! WHAT THE FUCK? It's like some cruel joke, but here I am.
She now owes me a 5 page handwritten essay on what it is to be a family. So far, she has slammed the door, thrown things, and is now in bed under her covers. It started out as 2. I'm trying like hell to not go in there and make it 6.
I think it's time for a glass of wine. 4:20pm. Good enough. At least I'm down a couple of lbs, though that could all change. Emotional eater + Tamoxifen + 12 year old daughter = STRETCH PANTS BUSTING AT THE SEAMS.
I need a massage. I will now let a glass of wine massage my brain a bit. I wish I could kill my cancer with a second glass of wine. Perhaps I will try anyway. I think I'll do my nails too - thank goodness for natural nail polish in freaky colors. Sometimes the little things make us smile. I need one. Bad.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Bowl full of Jelly
Or… fat.
Whew! We have been eating up a storm here, very outside of our "norm". Stepdaughter was here for 2 weeks, so we basically enjoyed the holidays. Worked out, but not enough to balance the gluttony. She doesn't get much home cooking, so I did a LOT. Plus, going out for real restaurant food (they don't have much other than chain crap and fast food where she lives). SO, back on it. Of course the tamoxifen makes it much harder to stay at a reasonable metabolic rate. Or something. But I'm not done fighting yet. And, if it happens that I make it to a year and stop taking this crap, so be it.
My bones. Joints. Grey hair. Metabolism.
But hey. There's a .02% chance that my cancer may metastasize. What? Of course, stats and charts are BS.
Um. That kind of sucks all around. But hubby is scared. So I pop my fat pills nightly. In fact, the alarm just rang. And my tummy is growling but I'm back on the intermittent fasting. Despite the gingerbread cookies on the counter. Screw them.
The weird thing, is that I'm 10 lbs. over my "ideal" weight, and 7 over my "usual". But I fit in everything. I don't look that different. But I feel it. It feels like a burden. So, off it goes.
Otherwise? All the side effects seem so not worth it. I'm looking forward to my next oncologist chat. The one where I tell her the meds still suck, and that I hate them, and then hubby gets a concerned look on his face as she spouts out statistics that are based partially on bullshit studies that don't include the women who dropped out because of blood clots, or new cancers, or just disgust with the side effects.
Yeah, it's going to be great. But, hey. I am really acting much more healthy to counteract the crappy side effects. Except for the past 2 weeks. Time to get back on it and see my abs a bit more clearly. And color those grays (with natural dye, of course… which is why I have to dye it so often!!!)
A new year is upon us, and I wonder - how much longer will I be on the planet? I hope long enough to not scar my daughter. I lost my mom at 18 and it still hurts. And I'm an old lady now. Sheesh...
Whew! We have been eating up a storm here, very outside of our "norm". Stepdaughter was here for 2 weeks, so we basically enjoyed the holidays. Worked out, but not enough to balance the gluttony. She doesn't get much home cooking, so I did a LOT. Plus, going out for real restaurant food (they don't have much other than chain crap and fast food where she lives). SO, back on it. Of course the tamoxifen makes it much harder to stay at a reasonable metabolic rate. Or something. But I'm not done fighting yet. And, if it happens that I make it to a year and stop taking this crap, so be it.
My bones. Joints. Grey hair. Metabolism.
But hey. There's a .02% chance that my cancer may metastasize. What? Of course, stats and charts are BS.
Um. That kind of sucks all around. But hubby is scared. So I pop my fat pills nightly. In fact, the alarm just rang. And my tummy is growling but I'm back on the intermittent fasting. Despite the gingerbread cookies on the counter. Screw them.
The weird thing, is that I'm 10 lbs. over my "ideal" weight, and 7 over my "usual". But I fit in everything. I don't look that different. But I feel it. It feels like a burden. So, off it goes.
Otherwise? All the side effects seem so not worth it. I'm looking forward to my next oncologist chat. The one where I tell her the meds still suck, and that I hate them, and then hubby gets a concerned look on his face as she spouts out statistics that are based partially on bullshit studies that don't include the women who dropped out because of blood clots, or new cancers, or just disgust with the side effects.
Yeah, it's going to be great. But, hey. I am really acting much more healthy to counteract the crappy side effects. Except for the past 2 weeks. Time to get back on it and see my abs a bit more clearly. And color those grays (with natural dye, of course… which is why I have to dye it so often!!!)
A new year is upon us, and I wonder - how much longer will I be on the planet? I hope long enough to not scar my daughter. I lost my mom at 18 and it still hurts. And I'm an old lady now. Sheesh...
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Christmas!
Played a gig last night for Christmas Eve - the family was all there too - but I was in the balcony (aka The Hideout) and they were in the pews (a name that makes me chuckle. Because I'm 8).
Came home, ate pretty much every shred of food in the fridge, played Clue. A nice Christmas eve for sure!
This morning was great - presents, made a quiche and some cornbread muffins (sausage and cheese, hot pepper and cheese, and, well, cheese and cheese).
Cancer makes me appreciate things a lot more than I used to. So, cancer - you can go away now. Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Came home, ate pretty much every shred of food in the fridge, played Clue. A nice Christmas eve for sure!
This morning was great - presents, made a quiche and some cornbread muffins (sausage and cheese, hot pepper and cheese, and, well, cheese and cheese).
Cancer makes me appreciate things a lot more than I used to. So, cancer - you can go away now. Thank you very much.
Merry Christmas, everyone!
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Christmas is coming, the Cancer Chick's trying to not get fat… please put a penny in the old man's hat.
Who is this elusive old man? And yes, the goose is getting fat. Though goose makes me nauseous due to the gamey high fat content - much like duck. Well, it's my fault. The first time I had Peking Duck was in Chinatown - and it was SO delicious that I gorged on it. Before I knew what I had done, I felt a cold sweat and nauseousness not unlike the feeling when I was having my breast biopsy done - the time I nearly passed out with a needle the size of an airplane deep in my now absent breast.
So, maybe if I weren't such a glutton, I would like it.
4 days until Christmas! Holy Crap!
My weight situation is ok, I'm holding again at my "ideal" weight, which actually is 3 lbs. heavier than I'd like to be, but I have to give myself a seasonal break on that. I did have a good workout and a nice long walk today. And my intermittent fasting has been fairly good, even with my stepdaughter visiting. I think she's really interested in what we're doing with our food - I don't know if she's aware that her daddy has rock solid abs now. But she can see that we're both in better shape than last time, which was about a year and a half ago… and going through cancer and crap, it's really a miracle. Even though folks assume that cancer patients are all skinny (and bald). I hate that stereotype. I have hair practically to my butt crack. And I harbor some sort of guilt about cutting it, since I got to keep it through everything. Not that I cut it much before, but sheesh. Maybe for the spring I can get a trim.
Shopping is done. It has to be. I can't retrieve any actual clothing from my closet. And we're having a party tomorrow, so we're not putting the tree up until Sunday night or perhaps sometime Monday. THEN I can wrap everything and have access to my wardrobe again. Luckily, most of my favorite stuff is in drawers and cabinets. Perhaps I should go through my stuff and donate a bit more, though much has been going to the Goodwill, and we have 2 more large bags to deliver.
I have so much grey hair now. It's different than the stuff that is supposed to be on my head. That stuff is wiry, very thick, like fishing line. The new stuff? Tamoxifen is f*cking with me. It's the same texture as my brown hair. But it's white. It's not ready to grow old. I miss my estrogen. Also, my period is almost 2 weeks late. Acupuncturist tried to pluck it out of me the past 2 weeks. No go. Maybe my uterus is empty. I hate that every morning I wake up with achy joints. The grays. The moods. The weight battles. The cravings (specifically, candy - there is this bizarro taste in my mouth that started with the tamoxifen, and I need something overwhelmingly disgustingly delicious to overpower it). It's different from the radiation taste, which required buttered bread. This is more of a "fruity flavored hard, gummy, or other candy". And, actually, my favorite and perhaps most damaging - candy corn. Thank God they don't make them for Christmas. What an awfully strange taste and texture. But it works, for a while.
I'm trying to really switch that over to more reasonable and less toxic things, but I don't want to walk around puking all day. Perhaps it's the diet Gods giving me the gift of bulimia. But I can't handle it. I'm the worst thrower-upper. Hard candy is helpful, except that I always want to crunch it up and get another. Fruit is very helpful, especially berries and pomegranates. Not as portable, but good. And my apple obsession lives on. I just bought 5 lbs. of fuji's at the farmers market this afternoon. And I now eat the whole apple (sans stem) because the seeds are supposed to KILL CANCER. Much like the bitter apricot kernels. I really crave that flavor now. If I could get that to replace this ridiculous candy thing, I'd be way better off.
But what would be really great? If I just stopped taking the fucking Tamoxifen.
Perhaps the 1 year mark will be good enough. That's in less than 2 months. Short term goals. Baby steps. Toxic medication that fucks with my life. Is it worth it?
The age old Cancer Question.
So, maybe if I weren't such a glutton, I would like it.
4 days until Christmas! Holy Crap!
My weight situation is ok, I'm holding again at my "ideal" weight, which actually is 3 lbs. heavier than I'd like to be, but I have to give myself a seasonal break on that. I did have a good workout and a nice long walk today. And my intermittent fasting has been fairly good, even with my stepdaughter visiting. I think she's really interested in what we're doing with our food - I don't know if she's aware that her daddy has rock solid abs now. But she can see that we're both in better shape than last time, which was about a year and a half ago… and going through cancer and crap, it's really a miracle. Even though folks assume that cancer patients are all skinny (and bald). I hate that stereotype. I have hair practically to my butt crack. And I harbor some sort of guilt about cutting it, since I got to keep it through everything. Not that I cut it much before, but sheesh. Maybe for the spring I can get a trim.
Shopping is done. It has to be. I can't retrieve any actual clothing from my closet. And we're having a party tomorrow, so we're not putting the tree up until Sunday night or perhaps sometime Monday. THEN I can wrap everything and have access to my wardrobe again. Luckily, most of my favorite stuff is in drawers and cabinets. Perhaps I should go through my stuff and donate a bit more, though much has been going to the Goodwill, and we have 2 more large bags to deliver.
I have so much grey hair now. It's different than the stuff that is supposed to be on my head. That stuff is wiry, very thick, like fishing line. The new stuff? Tamoxifen is f*cking with me. It's the same texture as my brown hair. But it's white. It's not ready to grow old. I miss my estrogen. Also, my period is almost 2 weeks late. Acupuncturist tried to pluck it out of me the past 2 weeks. No go. Maybe my uterus is empty. I hate that every morning I wake up with achy joints. The grays. The moods. The weight battles. The cravings (specifically, candy - there is this bizarro taste in my mouth that started with the tamoxifen, and I need something overwhelmingly disgustingly delicious to overpower it). It's different from the radiation taste, which required buttered bread. This is more of a "fruity flavored hard, gummy, or other candy". And, actually, my favorite and perhaps most damaging - candy corn. Thank God they don't make them for Christmas. What an awfully strange taste and texture. But it works, for a while.
I'm trying to really switch that over to more reasonable and less toxic things, but I don't want to walk around puking all day. Perhaps it's the diet Gods giving me the gift of bulimia. But I can't handle it. I'm the worst thrower-upper. Hard candy is helpful, except that I always want to crunch it up and get another. Fruit is very helpful, especially berries and pomegranates. Not as portable, but good. And my apple obsession lives on. I just bought 5 lbs. of fuji's at the farmers market this afternoon. And I now eat the whole apple (sans stem) because the seeds are supposed to KILL CANCER. Much like the bitter apricot kernels. I really crave that flavor now. If I could get that to replace this ridiculous candy thing, I'd be way better off.
But what would be really great? If I just stopped taking the fucking Tamoxifen.
Perhaps the 1 year mark will be good enough. That's in less than 2 months. Short term goals. Baby steps. Toxic medication that fucks with my life. Is it worth it?
The age old Cancer Question.
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