Who is this elusive old man? And yes, the goose is getting fat. Though goose makes me nauseous due to the gamey high fat content - much like duck. Well, it's my fault. The first time I had Peking Duck was in Chinatown - and it was SO delicious that I gorged on it. Before I knew what I had done, I felt a cold sweat and nauseousness not unlike the feeling when I was having my breast biopsy done - the time I nearly passed out with a needle the size of an airplane deep in my now absent breast.
So, maybe if I weren't such a glutton, I would like it.
4 days until Christmas! Holy Crap!
My weight situation is ok, I'm holding again at my "ideal" weight, which actually is 3 lbs. heavier than I'd like to be, but I have to give myself a seasonal break on that. I did have a good workout and a nice long walk today. And my intermittent fasting has been fairly good, even with my stepdaughter visiting. I think she's really interested in what we're doing with our food - I don't know if she's aware that her daddy has rock solid abs now. But she can see that we're both in better shape than last time, which was about a year and a half ago… and going through cancer and crap, it's really a miracle. Even though folks assume that cancer patients are all skinny (and bald). I hate that stereotype. I have hair practically to my butt crack. And I harbor some sort of guilt about cutting it, since I got to keep it through everything. Not that I cut it much before, but sheesh. Maybe for the spring I can get a trim.
Shopping is done. It has to be. I can't retrieve any actual clothing from my closet. And we're having a party tomorrow, so we're not putting the tree up until Sunday night or perhaps sometime Monday. THEN I can wrap everything and have access to my wardrobe again. Luckily, most of my favorite stuff is in drawers and cabinets. Perhaps I should go through my stuff and donate a bit more, though much has been going to the Goodwill, and we have 2 more large bags to deliver.
I have so much grey hair now. It's different than the stuff that is supposed to be on my head. That stuff is wiry, very thick, like fishing line. The new stuff? Tamoxifen is f*cking with me. It's the same texture as my brown hair. But it's white. It's not ready to grow old. I miss my estrogen. Also, my period is almost 2 weeks late. Acupuncturist tried to pluck it out of me the past 2 weeks. No go. Maybe my uterus is empty. I hate that every morning I wake up with achy joints. The grays. The moods. The weight battles. The cravings (specifically, candy - there is this bizarro taste in my mouth that started with the tamoxifen, and I need something overwhelmingly disgustingly delicious to overpower it). It's different from the radiation taste, which required buttered bread. This is more of a "fruity flavored hard, gummy, or other candy". And, actually, my favorite and perhaps most damaging - candy corn. Thank God they don't make them for Christmas. What an awfully strange taste and texture. But it works, for a while.
I'm trying to really switch that over to more reasonable and less toxic things, but I don't want to walk around puking all day. Perhaps it's the diet Gods giving me the gift of bulimia. But I can't handle it. I'm the worst thrower-upper. Hard candy is helpful, except that I always want to crunch it up and get another. Fruit is very helpful, especially berries and pomegranates. Not as portable, but good. And my apple obsession lives on. I just bought 5 lbs. of fuji's at the farmers market this afternoon. And I now eat the whole apple (sans stem) because the seeds are supposed to KILL CANCER. Much like the bitter apricot kernels. I really crave that flavor now. If I could get that to replace this ridiculous candy thing, I'd be way better off.
But what would be really great? If I just stopped taking the fucking Tamoxifen.
Perhaps the 1 year mark will be good enough. That's in less than 2 months. Short term goals. Baby steps. Toxic medication that fucks with my life. Is it worth it?
The age old Cancer Question.
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