Folks told us the first 2 months are the hardest on Tamoxifen.
Yeah. I'm exhausted at night. In fact, I just literally fell asleep sitting on the couch. At 7:30pm. Woke up, thankfully. But wow. Barely saw that coming. Am I turning into a tamoxoleptic?
Calves went through some crazy soreness, and it wasn't workout related.
Had a few hot flashes. Weird. But that was within the first month, and they haven't come back.
My joints are way more crackly. When I twist my wrists around, it makes me think of frozen fries thrown into a deep fryer at a greasy spoon. Mmmm.
My girl crap is all messed up. I used to be able to set a clock by my cycle. Now? I can't even be bothered figuring that out.
But - a lot of symptoms that I've avoided are amazing. The weight thing. I really have dipped below my pre-diagnosis weight. It's a real struggle, but what the hell. I'm in it to win it. Though I did have a bowl of cereal for dessert tonight. I'm hormonal!!! (I can hear my husband laughing now - it's one of my famous lines, usually accompanied by cereal consuming) The moodiness - it ain't a problem. I even seem a bit happier. I guess the prescription for whatever that anti-depressant was can go through the shredder now.
I am not a fan of this weird exhaustion at night - especially since I'm a musician! But I haven't had many late night gigs since I started the meds - luckily I am very busy for the next three weeks and most of the stuff is early(ish). Except my trip to freaking Austria for one gig. I'm not sure how to handle the plane. Do I wear my lymphedema sleeve and gauntlet preventatively? Do I make sure to not sleep on the flight so I can keep getting up to walk around, to prevent death from a blood clot? Decisions, decisions... I should probably try and get an aisle seat regardless, so hopefully if I do fall asleep (likely, I've trained myself over the years to sleep as soon as I buckle up), my seat mate(s) will have to take a leak and either wake me up or trip over me in their mini wine bottle induced state of flight drunkeness (or overdose of free soda, blech...)
I always buy water at the airport, the biggest bottle I can get (usually 2). Last fall when I flew to Brazil, the MD (musical director, not medical doctor) was floored by how much water I drink, in general. I never think it's excessive until I realize how little water people drink.
Ooh - another side effect, I think. I perpetually feel thirsty. That's not awful, because it's good for me to hydrate like crazy.
5 more weeks until reconstruction. I'm SO uncomfortable in this body right now. Everyone says I look great, but there are times where I just want to claw at the skin over my expander until I can open it up and tear out that damned balloon. I mean, I can't feel the skin anyway! But, it's probably best to wait the 5 weeks and let the plastic surgeon do it the right way. I sure hope the implant feels better than this frigging softball under my pec. I've never gotten used to it. And that's a good thing. Time for a change... soon... patience...
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Damn, people. It's not "cool to not have to wear a bra..."
So, on Ye Olde Facebooke, I linked to a photo of a beautiful woman on the beach with her 2 children. And no breasts. She has no breasts because she had breast cancer and had to remove them to rid her body of the deadly cells, and didn't have reconstruction. So she went to the beach with her children, topless. Because she no longer has a "top".
And I saw a friend reposted it.
And that was her little stupid blurt.
I have heard some shit during this process. Free implants is a popular one. Now this.
If everyone could understand how fucking mutilated we feel. How violated our bodies are. How we've been hacked to pieces, burnt to a crisp, poisoned, and will never look like we once did. And, by the way, every step of the process hurts physically and mentally. I am incredibly uncomfortable, every day. Since October. 7 months. But hey - I'm getting free implants! And scar tissue! And pesky lymph nodes are gone! And I'm radioactive and on some medication that could kill me! WHOOPPEEEEEE!
That's my little rant for the day. What do you say to someone who lost their legs? "Oooh, no more shoes! Think of the savings!!!" Or, "Lucky you, I guess you just get to roll everywhere now! No more pesky walking!"
Yeah. Fuck you.
Seriously, I am in a great mood. I have had an amazing day, though my daughter came home about 6 hours early because, apparently, homework was not possible at her dad's house. So, my plans for a pedicure were sort of foiled, though I did loofah and moisturize my tootsies and put on a fresh coat of the most amazing bright blue mineral nailpolish and feel just fine about it (really, I wanted someone to beat the shit out of the soles of my feet... I can handle the polish just fine) But that's ok. We had a nice sushi lunch, and my girl made homemade mac and cheese for dinner.
I'm just glad I woke at 6 today. Saw the hubby off on his flight, warmed up, hit the gym, and even went food shopping before the Lord of the Stupid texted me because he couldn't comprehend 6th grade homework. And no, it wasn't difficult. It's creative and beautiful. Glad I am here for my daughter. I keep my mouth shut about her father's idiocy as much as I can, and am so glad for my husband to help support me. But, damn. Seriously???
Okey dokes, off to check on her progress again. Because I really want to cuddle up and watch a movie with my best girl!
And I saw a friend reposted it.
And that was her little stupid blurt.
I have heard some shit during this process. Free implants is a popular one. Now this.
If everyone could understand how fucking mutilated we feel. How violated our bodies are. How we've been hacked to pieces, burnt to a crisp, poisoned, and will never look like we once did. And, by the way, every step of the process hurts physically and mentally. I am incredibly uncomfortable, every day. Since October. 7 months. But hey - I'm getting free implants! And scar tissue! And pesky lymph nodes are gone! And I'm radioactive and on some medication that could kill me! WHOOPPEEEEEE!
That's my little rant for the day. What do you say to someone who lost their legs? "Oooh, no more shoes! Think of the savings!!!" Or, "Lucky you, I guess you just get to roll everywhere now! No more pesky walking!"
Yeah. Fuck you.
Seriously, I am in a great mood. I have had an amazing day, though my daughter came home about 6 hours early because, apparently, homework was not possible at her dad's house. So, my plans for a pedicure were sort of foiled, though I did loofah and moisturize my tootsies and put on a fresh coat of the most amazing bright blue mineral nailpolish and feel just fine about it (really, I wanted someone to beat the shit out of the soles of my feet... I can handle the polish just fine) But that's ok. We had a nice sushi lunch, and my girl made homemade mac and cheese for dinner.
I'm just glad I woke at 6 today. Saw the hubby off on his flight, warmed up, hit the gym, and even went food shopping before the Lord of the Stupid texted me because he couldn't comprehend 6th grade homework. And no, it wasn't difficult. It's creative and beautiful. Glad I am here for my daughter. I keep my mouth shut about her father's idiocy as much as I can, and am so glad for my husband to help support me. But, damn. Seriously???
Okey dokes, off to check on her progress again. Because I really want to cuddle up and watch a movie with my best girl!
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
MAYDAY!!!
AGH. I really want chocolate. To make matters worse, I baked brownies for our visit to the Oral Surgeon Friday. They have been so attentive and apologetic about Dr. AssWipe on Saturday - and I decided to bring them a present (I think I got 5 calls today!) My daughter does have complexities including hardware that is not removable, but Dr. A. refused to even talk about it. Apparently, Friday's doc is a nice man and I was reassured that he checked her x-rays and chart and is totally cool. I am thinking I will withhold the brownies until the deed is done. Is that mean? Yes, because the front office did what they have to do.
Meanwhile, my house smells like brownies to the 1000th power. I brushed my teeth and everything. Perhaps a glass of wine will calm down my choco-urge. I considered some Schmailey's, but that may just aggravate my need for creamy sweet deliciousness. Fuck you, Brownies.
I have been so run down recently. I suspect it's a combination of allergies and tamoxaustion. But hey, after last weekends little dim sum detour, I'm back at pre-diagnosis weight (sodium, begone!!!) and am not going to let some brownies ruin the fit of my jeans.
Methinks there will be some splurging this weekend if all goes according to plan and my little schnookums is on an ice cream diet. I actually did consider buying an ice cream cake - something she always seems to want and I never buy. Because I don't eat that shit. Perhaps ice cream cake with a side of enzymes and homemade yogurt will be my Saturday dinner. We'll see...
Meanwhile, my house smells like brownies to the 1000th power. I brushed my teeth and everything. Perhaps a glass of wine will calm down my choco-urge. I considered some Schmailey's, but that may just aggravate my need for creamy sweet deliciousness. Fuck you, Brownies.
I have been so run down recently. I suspect it's a combination of allergies and tamoxaustion. But hey, after last weekends little dim sum detour, I'm back at pre-diagnosis weight (sodium, begone!!!) and am not going to let some brownies ruin the fit of my jeans.
Methinks there will be some splurging this weekend if all goes according to plan and my little schnookums is on an ice cream diet. I actually did consider buying an ice cream cake - something she always seems to want and I never buy. Because I don't eat that shit. Perhaps ice cream cake with a side of enzymes and homemade yogurt will be my Saturday dinner. We'll see...
Sunday, April 28, 2013
De Plane! De Plane!
Yup, I got a new Tattoo! Wednesday! It was a miracle and all worked out great. It's looking awesome and hasn't peeled yet... but it will, I hope soon!
I guess I'm blogging less these days because I feel less "Cancery" in ways. I'm settling into my life as a patient. I have a scar under my armpit that I see every time I lift weights at the gym. Now I have a pink ribbon (well, it's my second - the first was for my mom) tattooed on my shoulder. I have a special bracelet to wear when I go on a plane that instructs "no needles, no BP on left arm". I have an expander in my body that has been there since late October and will be exchanged in less than 2 months. I take a pill nightly that I will have to take nightly for the next 5-10 years. But I'm adjusting to it all.
Yesterday we went to get my daughter's impacted tooth pulled by an oral surgeon. He did not pull it. I'll get to the bottom of it tomorrow, but it seems our referral didn't talk about her appliance (which is not removable) or her baby tooth that is supposedly in the way. So, we walked to Chinatown and had some massive dim sum (which we can now refer to as Dim Yum) and walked through a street fair to buy a bubble tea and watermelon (our usual fare at these events, unless someone is in dire need of socks). These cancery fundraiser people were out asking for donations - donate a dollar for everyone you know who has cancer. They looked at my husband and gave him the schpiel and he said "My wife has cancer". They told him that he should donate a dollar for me. He said he'd rather give it to me directly. I don't really get down with the street solicitors either. Save the children. Save the whales. I am all about causes, and we work with and play concerts for and give to a few organizations near and dear to us, when we can afford to. But this whole street thing gives me the heebie jeebies. Especially the Save the Children kids - and they're kids - they literally wave at you like you're friends and then walk with you and try to appeal to your loneliness (assuming you are lonely because you're walking in a city full of people all alone!!!) Even when you have headphones in. Even when you tell them you're in a rush/busy/don't speak English.
Other charities solicit by mail - they send address labels with a letter, and I think, you're spending the money to print out address labels for a squillion people that don't give to your organization? So if I donate, I'm buying address labels for those people and not helping anyone out (I'm pretty sure folks can write their own return address if they even mail anything anymore!) No thanks.
Back to CANCER! Wheeee! No, actually, I have nothing more to say about cancer at the moment. Other than it still sucks flaming monkey balls. But I'm having a good time regardless. That sodium from yesterday blew me up a bit but I had a massive testosteroney workout this morning and have been very diligent with food (dessert is apples, a splash of wine, cinnamon and nutmeg - baked!) That bloat will really put you in a bad mood if you let it. None for me, thanks!
I guess I'm blogging less these days because I feel less "Cancery" in ways. I'm settling into my life as a patient. I have a scar under my armpit that I see every time I lift weights at the gym. Now I have a pink ribbon (well, it's my second - the first was for my mom) tattooed on my shoulder. I have a special bracelet to wear when I go on a plane that instructs "no needles, no BP on left arm". I have an expander in my body that has been there since late October and will be exchanged in less than 2 months. I take a pill nightly that I will have to take nightly for the next 5-10 years. But I'm adjusting to it all.
Yesterday we went to get my daughter's impacted tooth pulled by an oral surgeon. He did not pull it. I'll get to the bottom of it tomorrow, but it seems our referral didn't talk about her appliance (which is not removable) or her baby tooth that is supposedly in the way. So, we walked to Chinatown and had some massive dim sum (which we can now refer to as Dim Yum) and walked through a street fair to buy a bubble tea and watermelon (our usual fare at these events, unless someone is in dire need of socks). These cancery fundraiser people were out asking for donations - donate a dollar for everyone you know who has cancer. They looked at my husband and gave him the schpiel and he said "My wife has cancer". They told him that he should donate a dollar for me. He said he'd rather give it to me directly. I don't really get down with the street solicitors either. Save the children. Save the whales. I am all about causes, and we work with and play concerts for and give to a few organizations near and dear to us, when we can afford to. But this whole street thing gives me the heebie jeebies. Especially the Save the Children kids - and they're kids - they literally wave at you like you're friends and then walk with you and try to appeal to your loneliness (assuming you are lonely because you're walking in a city full of people all alone!!!) Even when you have headphones in. Even when you tell them you're in a rush/busy/don't speak English.
Other charities solicit by mail - they send address labels with a letter, and I think, you're spending the money to print out address labels for a squillion people that don't give to your organization? So if I donate, I'm buying address labels for those people and not helping anyone out (I'm pretty sure folks can write their own return address if they even mail anything anymore!) No thanks.
Back to CANCER! Wheeee! No, actually, I have nothing more to say about cancer at the moment. Other than it still sucks flaming monkey balls. But I'm having a good time regardless. That sodium from yesterday blew me up a bit but I had a massive testosteroney workout this morning and have been very diligent with food (dessert is apples, a splash of wine, cinnamon and nutmeg - baked!) That bloat will really put you in a bad mood if you let it. None for me, thanks!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
What a week!
And how is it possible that it was great??? I have cancer! I should be miserable and ready for the grave.
Nope.
Thursday's pre-op was fantastic, as written about in my previous post!
This morning I dropped a hair below my pre-stress-diagnosis weight. When I was that weight, that was not my goal, but of course, the weight piled back on as I realized my death sentence. Not totally obsessed about my number weight though, my body fat percentage is dropping too!
I had 3 amazing workouts in a row - Friday, Saturday and today. Today, I worked out like I did when I was a trainer. Sweating, headphones in but no music (my usual trick unless hubby is with me). I like to hear my breath, I like to connect with my muscles, so the headphones work as earplugs AND keep people from talking to me. Usually.
Yesterday, I found THE perfect dress. On sale. They had 2 - one in my size that fit me perfectly! Did I mention it was on sale? I also got a glittery silver dress. Just because. It was on sale, too. And a musician always needs costumes.
I had also had brunch with a friend - I need to do that shit more often. Especially when it involves eggs florentine. Mmmmm.
I got home after hours of practicing, working out, walking, eating, shopping, and had an iced coffee. While I sipped, I searched for my tattoo guy that did my last piece - he's Japanese and has a miraculous touch. I knew my piece I wanted, and I've decided that I want it NOW. Before surgery. I tracked him down, and usually this dude is booked like crazy. How the hell did he have an opening exactly when I wanted it??? So I grabbed some cash for a deposit and ran the hell downtown to plunk it down and claim my stake. I was worried that someone would grab it to get barbed wire around their bicep. My apologies if anyone reading this actually HAS barbed wire there. And if it's Pamela Anderson reading, well, I couldn't physically fit the implants you have into my body, but how the hell do you walk around with those things on? Owch.
SO, that's that I guess. I get my little girl back in a few hours for dinner. I really tried to have an unproductive day today but have been running since 8am. Finally sitting down for some asparagus miso soup and, apparently, to blog. I'm kind of exhausted right now but would love to have an iced coffee and clean the house. It's not awful, but I've been running like crazy since Friday and feel like if I stop now I'll just collapse in a heap! I need to wait until bedtime to do that!!!
Nope.
Thursday's pre-op was fantastic, as written about in my previous post!
This morning I dropped a hair below my pre-stress-diagnosis weight. When I was that weight, that was not my goal, but of course, the weight piled back on as I realized my death sentence. Not totally obsessed about my number weight though, my body fat percentage is dropping too!
I had 3 amazing workouts in a row - Friday, Saturday and today. Today, I worked out like I did when I was a trainer. Sweating, headphones in but no music (my usual trick unless hubby is with me). I like to hear my breath, I like to connect with my muscles, so the headphones work as earplugs AND keep people from talking to me. Usually.
Yesterday, I found THE perfect dress. On sale. They had 2 - one in my size that fit me perfectly! Did I mention it was on sale? I also got a glittery silver dress. Just because. It was on sale, too. And a musician always needs costumes.
I had also had brunch with a friend - I need to do that shit more often. Especially when it involves eggs florentine. Mmmmm.
I got home after hours of practicing, working out, walking, eating, shopping, and had an iced coffee. While I sipped, I searched for my tattoo guy that did my last piece - he's Japanese and has a miraculous touch. I knew my piece I wanted, and I've decided that I want it NOW. Before surgery. I tracked him down, and usually this dude is booked like crazy. How the hell did he have an opening exactly when I wanted it??? So I grabbed some cash for a deposit and ran the hell downtown to plunk it down and claim my stake. I was worried that someone would grab it to get barbed wire around their bicep. My apologies if anyone reading this actually HAS barbed wire there. And if it's Pamela Anderson reading, well, I couldn't physically fit the implants you have into my body, but how the hell do you walk around with those things on? Owch.
SO, that's that I guess. I get my little girl back in a few hours for dinner. I really tried to have an unproductive day today but have been running since 8am. Finally sitting down for some asparagus miso soup and, apparently, to blog. I'm kind of exhausted right now but would love to have an iced coffee and clean the house. It's not awful, but I've been running like crazy since Friday and feel like if I stop now I'll just collapse in a heap! I need to wait until bedtime to do that!!!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Hells YES!
Had my pre-op yesterday. Apparently, my burned skin is looking amazeballs. Like a baby's bottom. Well, let's not go too far, but it's great news (thank you, Creme De La Mer and my own vanity, and my credit card). I was supposed to have 2 surgeries but now my skin is banging enough to do it all in 2 months! CAN I GET A "WHAT THE F*CK HAVE I DONE RIGHT???"
I'm so happy. One recovery. Get it done. The nipple is way down the road regardless. We discussed a clown nose with the doc. Methinks we amuse him. Heck - we know we do. Talking with his nurses and joking around while he did all his "I'm a serious doctor writing crap and taking measurements and junk" and he kept smiling and almost giggling.
That's right. I have cancer, but not of the funny bone!
I am SO thrilled and can not wait. I wish I could be done before a TV appearance but I'm hoping to hear about wardrobe specs today so I can shop. I really only love 3 bras right now - they're made by Danskin and are unwired, moulded sports bras. And they make me (with creative padding and coaxing) look pretty even. Hopefully I can find a dress that fits the dress code and covers the bra (racer back and way too sporty to be under a fancy dress!!!). Eh, que sera. I'm alive and stuff!!!
Officially dropped back into my favorite size. Never thought I'd see it again. This intermittent fasting is good. I don't mind having an off day - we had 2 dinners out in a row and I enjoyed every bite. It's - so far - a very sane approach to food. Been doing it for a month and recently read a one page "story" in some chick mag about a similar style and it really does make sense. My body feels so much better. So does my brain. So do my jeans. ;)
I'm so happy. One recovery. Get it done. The nipple is way down the road regardless. We discussed a clown nose with the doc. Methinks we amuse him. Heck - we know we do. Talking with his nurses and joking around while he did all his "I'm a serious doctor writing crap and taking measurements and junk" and he kept smiling and almost giggling.
That's right. I have cancer, but not of the funny bone!
I am SO thrilled and can not wait. I wish I could be done before a TV appearance but I'm hoping to hear about wardrobe specs today so I can shop. I really only love 3 bras right now - they're made by Danskin and are unwired, moulded sports bras. And they make me (with creative padding and coaxing) look pretty even. Hopefully I can find a dress that fits the dress code and covers the bra (racer back and way too sporty to be under a fancy dress!!!). Eh, que sera. I'm alive and stuff!!!
Officially dropped back into my favorite size. Never thought I'd see it again. This intermittent fasting is good. I don't mind having an off day - we had 2 dinners out in a row and I enjoyed every bite. It's - so far - a very sane approach to food. Been doing it for a month and recently read a one page "story" in some chick mag about a similar style and it really does make sense. My body feels so much better. So does my brain. So do my jeans. ;)
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Immunity
Feeling a cold coming on. All day. Slightly achy, a little throat thingy. A little blah.
My cure? Raw unfiltered honey with cinnamon, and for dinner: homemade miso soup with tons of seaweed, mushrooms (shiitake and wood ear) and diced radish kimchee with a generous helping of hot sauce. And of course, home brew kombucha. When I'm sick, it turns me bright red and I get really, really hot. Not hot like getting whistled at by construction workers - sweaty hot! It's the creepy crawlings exiting!
I miss unfermented soy. But I love miso. And I like living. So that's that!
Is the tamoxifen making my immune system plummet? With all of the side effects it supposedly has, I would not be surprised. I promise to go to bed early. I have been waking up very early and find it useful, peaceful, and energy bringing somehow. Nothing like warming up my instrument at 6 in the morning. Most would roll their eyes or think that was horrible. Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe. But who gives a crap!
Whew. This kombucha really is burning through me. Miracle shit. Too bad it didn't kill the cancer.
My cure? Raw unfiltered honey with cinnamon, and for dinner: homemade miso soup with tons of seaweed, mushrooms (shiitake and wood ear) and diced radish kimchee with a generous helping of hot sauce. And of course, home brew kombucha. When I'm sick, it turns me bright red and I get really, really hot. Not hot like getting whistled at by construction workers - sweaty hot! It's the creepy crawlings exiting!
I miss unfermented soy. But I love miso. And I like living. So that's that!
Is the tamoxifen making my immune system plummet? With all of the side effects it supposedly has, I would not be surprised. I promise to go to bed early. I have been waking up very early and find it useful, peaceful, and energy bringing somehow. Nothing like warming up my instrument at 6 in the morning. Most would roll their eyes or think that was horrible. Maybe I'm getting old. Maybe. But who gives a crap!
Whew. This kombucha really is burning through me. Miracle shit. Too bad it didn't kill the cancer.
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