Hubby really wanted to go out last night, to our favorite jazz club. I figured it probably wouldn't be super crowded. It was pretty packed but I got a stool at the bar and guarded my left side with my life (of course that's the side that everyone had to walk by unless I sat backwards). I had a hard time deciding what to wear - ended up with some skinny pants (even though I've gained a few lbs. through this ordeal) and a camisole over my 11 year old's bra with a baggy button down top. I never took off my scarf - I felt like it masked what was going on. I also put on bronzer, fake eyelashes, and lipstick. I figure, it would be easier to distract people with big-ass eyelashes on.
Some folks knew what was up, but many didn't. I had weird pains now and again - phantom or real, I felt them. I'm sure my pec is still pissed off, poor girl is stretched to the outer limits and this is just the beginning - but maybe my nerves are starting to come alive again? I know hubby was rubbing my back and some spots hurt so much - I think I overdid it on our cheap massage seat when things were more numb. But that's ok. I'm alive. I wish I could go get a real massage. I wish I could get rolfed - I did it a few years ago and it helped tremendously. I'll go back when all of this is done and over and I get the okey dokey. My body is going to need some serious realignment!
We've been talking about a little get together. I'm a hermit by nature, contrary to what many believe. I have this reputation of being a social butterfly, but really, I crave silence - alone. All my life. I love my friends and I need to invite them in more. With all of this downtime, and once school is up and running again, I will have more alone time through the healing process. And I will begin to get stir crazy. And if it snows, I will be paranoid to go out and risk slipping on ice and allowing my left arm to break my fall, ripping my muscle and somehow, having the expander flop out of my body and into a snowbank. All that work for nothing!
Of course, I'm kidding. But still. I feel pretty paranoid. I walked sideways past people last night so there would be no chance of them catching my shoulder. It was suggested that I could wear a sling but I think that would not help my recovery. Though I'm still considering it just when I go out. Probably not, but a good idea nevertheless.
Time for a cup of miso broth. My breakfast of banana and peanut butter was good, but I need something warm and reminiscent of my mom. It's funny how you crave things that remind you of who you wish could be with you at the moment. I don't even think that was a proper sentence, but I'll leave it as is. I might even pour a cup of coffee - that also reminds me of her. And might bring my mood up a bit.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Once upon a time, I had 2 breasts.
It's Saturday. I made it to another day.
Yesterday, our photographer friend came for dinner and delivered the disc. Of photos. Of me. And hubby. Gorgeous, thank goodness for her vision! I nearly chickened out but am so glad I didn't. The photos hit me hard - they seem to be of another woman.
I took a shower all by myself this morning! I even washed my hair, though I think my guy does a better job. I carefully washed that damned left armpit, and when I emerged and started to dry off, I realized that some of the scabbing from the lymph node thievery came off. It's a pretty deep scar, but I know it will fade in time. But it's nice to have less of the scabbing. I bet it will be gone in a few days.
My so-called-breast looks a bit bruised up, weirdly wrinkled, a huge gash across the front (and yes, that's pretty much all of it) and it creeps me the f*ck out. But I'll have to get to know it - seems I'm stuck with this alien. Funny, I've been wearing a bra that belongs to my 11 year old, it's just a stretchy vest that is really soft, like thick pantyhose. With it on, I look sort of balanced. Without, a walking nightmare. At least to me.
My daughter asks a few times each day if my arm is healed. She sees how I move, and she wants to hug a lot. It's better every day. I love her optimism! It helps me to feel better. But damn, I'm still super uncomfortable. However, my game face is BANGING!
I've been enjoying a lot of green tea with roasted rice. I call it popcorn tea - it makes me remember my mom, it's yummy, and it's a good anti oxidant. Drink up, folks! I still have a bit of coffee but only for the taste. Hubby makes it perfect.
I piled on some bronzer and makeup so I don't look like I forgot to remove my corpse mask from Halloween. I had to get out today.Yesterday I planned on it, but I had a bad day. Basically, my body was mad at me. I can't blame it. Things didn't work right, and let's just say - I spent a good portion of the morning and afternoon in pain. Luckily, I found some relief before our guest came over. At one point, my daughter crawled into bed next to me with tears streaming down her face, and I told her to remember yesterday - it was such a good day. She massaged my feet. She brought stuffed animals. I love her heart and hope it never changes.
So my daughter and I stopped off at a Halloween store, 50% off! I had to grab a pair of metallic eyelashes and my daughter scored a Ninja Sword. I think we spent $6. Headed to K-town and dropped a LOT more, but hubby met us there (he was at the gym) and helped us carry home udon noodles, lots of bean cake products, weird asian candy, pocky, rice crackers, and of course, got her a Ramune soda and an aloe drink for me.
Just got back home, and I'm tired. What? We walked maybe a mile and a half total. I did my range of motion exercises and felt like a fool that my arm can't move. I am used to being really flexible, and now I joke that opening a bottle or a door, washing dishes and other simple tasks are now physical therapy. It's true. But every day, it gets a hairball better.
It's cold out - what the heck happened out there? Hubs wants to go out to a club that just got power back that we love. I'm nervous about the crowd and people not knowing that I just had a boob chopped off. You know, hugs and stuff. We'll see if I am brave enough. But for now, I'm enjoying the Edible Arrangements sent by my equipment sponsors. I will say it again - BEST get well gift ever. Especially now, the city is a bit short on fresh fruit. Our friend last night brought bananas and grapefruit - happy happy joy joy! The pineapple and melon and strawberries and grapes are making me feel like a millionaire right now - a millionaire missing a breast but thrilled to be alive. Now, with an abundance of fruit!!!
Yesterday, our photographer friend came for dinner and delivered the disc. Of photos. Of me. And hubby. Gorgeous, thank goodness for her vision! I nearly chickened out but am so glad I didn't. The photos hit me hard - they seem to be of another woman.
I took a shower all by myself this morning! I even washed my hair, though I think my guy does a better job. I carefully washed that damned left armpit, and when I emerged and started to dry off, I realized that some of the scabbing from the lymph node thievery came off. It's a pretty deep scar, but I know it will fade in time. But it's nice to have less of the scabbing. I bet it will be gone in a few days.
My so-called-breast looks a bit bruised up, weirdly wrinkled, a huge gash across the front (and yes, that's pretty much all of it) and it creeps me the f*ck out. But I'll have to get to know it - seems I'm stuck with this alien. Funny, I've been wearing a bra that belongs to my 11 year old, it's just a stretchy vest that is really soft, like thick pantyhose. With it on, I look sort of balanced. Without, a walking nightmare. At least to me.
My daughter asks a few times each day if my arm is healed. She sees how I move, and she wants to hug a lot. It's better every day. I love her optimism! It helps me to feel better. But damn, I'm still super uncomfortable. However, my game face is BANGING!
I've been enjoying a lot of green tea with roasted rice. I call it popcorn tea - it makes me remember my mom, it's yummy, and it's a good anti oxidant. Drink up, folks! I still have a bit of coffee but only for the taste. Hubby makes it perfect.
I piled on some bronzer and makeup so I don't look like I forgot to remove my corpse mask from Halloween. I had to get out today.Yesterday I planned on it, but I had a bad day. Basically, my body was mad at me. I can't blame it. Things didn't work right, and let's just say - I spent a good portion of the morning and afternoon in pain. Luckily, I found some relief before our guest came over. At one point, my daughter crawled into bed next to me with tears streaming down her face, and I told her to remember yesterday - it was such a good day. She massaged my feet. She brought stuffed animals. I love her heart and hope it never changes.
So my daughter and I stopped off at a Halloween store, 50% off! I had to grab a pair of metallic eyelashes and my daughter scored a Ninja Sword. I think we spent $6. Headed to K-town and dropped a LOT more, but hubby met us there (he was at the gym) and helped us carry home udon noodles, lots of bean cake products, weird asian candy, pocky, rice crackers, and of course, got her a Ramune soda and an aloe drink for me.
Just got back home, and I'm tired. What? We walked maybe a mile and a half total. I did my range of motion exercises and felt like a fool that my arm can't move. I am used to being really flexible, and now I joke that opening a bottle or a door, washing dishes and other simple tasks are now physical therapy. It's true. But every day, it gets a hairball better.
It's cold out - what the heck happened out there? Hubs wants to go out to a club that just got power back that we love. I'm nervous about the crowd and people not knowing that I just had a boob chopped off. You know, hugs and stuff. We'll see if I am brave enough. But for now, I'm enjoying the Edible Arrangements sent by my equipment sponsors. I will say it again - BEST get well gift ever. Especially now, the city is a bit short on fresh fruit. Our friend last night brought bananas and grapefruit - happy happy joy joy! The pineapple and melon and strawberries and grapes are making me feel like a millionaire right now - a millionaire missing a breast but thrilled to be alive. Now, with an abundance of fruit!!!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Post Op Visit! A miracle!!!
Late last night one of the nurses that works with my plastic surgeon called, apologizing for the late call (it was 9, nowhere near obnoxious, but she had been calling patients from home all day!)... she informed me that Dr. Smith was borrowing space for just today to see patients! 10am!
My daughter went to a friends house last night for a very small Halloween party. 4 kids. But, in times of crisis and no street lights, I knew there would be no trick or treating... so she put on her amazing costume and hubby brought her over. I wanted to go, but my costume of surgical bra and drainage bulb filled with red/yellow goopy crap was a little TOO scary. Not to mention I still am unhuggable and I still flinch when someone comes near my left side.
When they got home, I delivered the good news! Woke up this morning 2 minutes before my 7:30am alarm (that's 7:28am for those of you playing along at home!) and one by one (ok, there are only 2, but it sounds more dramatic!) the family woke up and got ready for our big outing. Keep in mind, I haven't been out in a week! Seriously! I can't even stick my head out of the window like a dog because we have childproof guards on the windows! Arf arf!!!
I made us walk. Yes. I felt like a newborn foal on my wobbly limbs. But so excited to walk. It was a round trip of about 3 miles. That after a week of pretty much no movement? Heaven.
Did our usual routine of comedy. Oh, wait. That's just us. But my daughter was in the room too, which added to my fun and sighing of relief. She's a trooper and a surgical veteran.
With fingers crossed, I wished upon whatever the hell was in the sky (star, cloud, sun, spaceship) that they would remove my drain. For a bit it seemed they wouldn't, but in the end they did and said that possibly they would aspirate next week. Fine. Whatever. They also filled my expander, which was my second wish (goooooo... spaceship!) and it feels really freaking tight but it already looks better. They said that sometimes with the filling, there is less fluid buildup. Um, yeah. There's no space!
Walked back downtown and marveled at how normal midtown felt. Everything was up and running, restaurants and stores open. We popped into what ended up being an AMAZING authentic Mexican hang. I ordered a dish called Huarache which was corn tortillas with black bean inside (like a filled pancake), topped with steak, avocado and other Mexican-y foodstuffs. Topped it off with an extra dose of fabulous hot sauce. I almost cried, it was so good to be out and eating something that I rarely get to eat.
Another appointment on the way home. I felt nearly normal! And I no longer have to wear the surgical bra. In fact, I went braless on the way home, which I wasn't super comfy with, but I didn't bring an option. However, that newly expanded breast is rock solid. I guess with a double it would be really surreal. I can barely feel it. But it's almost like a Barbie boobie. I wonder if Barbie had a double mastectomy with reconstruction and no nipples made.
One weird side effect. My back KILLS me. I'd read about it, but now I know it's real. I already have chronic back issues from my scoliosis and occupation. But hey, death would be a worse option, so I'll figure it out! No way in hell can I get a massage any time soon, but hubby has done a good job and we have a little massage mat that I just sat on for 20 - and crap. I need more. I was looking online for a massage chair like before. I found a killer deal but have never ordered from this site - it's like Groupon on crack. http://home.woot.com/offers/massage-chair-mc750
Do I drop the cash? We're all massage whores in this house. And I never bought that fancy handbag. Fuck the bag. I want something that will make me feel better! I wish I had experience with the site and also don't know how they deliver - it's a big-ass item! But I'm ready to drop the $. You only live once, and thank goodness my time was extended. So, I'll be thinking about this, but the sale ends in a few days. Tick tock.
It's hard to breathe sometimes. But I have a good family and a belly full of Mexican lunch. OLE', muthafuckas. Can't keep me down, even when I feel like crap!!!
I can't wait to feel like me again, but I really can't wait for the city to feel like itself again. xo
My daughter went to a friends house last night for a very small Halloween party. 4 kids. But, in times of crisis and no street lights, I knew there would be no trick or treating... so she put on her amazing costume and hubby brought her over. I wanted to go, but my costume of surgical bra and drainage bulb filled with red/yellow goopy crap was a little TOO scary. Not to mention I still am unhuggable and I still flinch when someone comes near my left side.
When they got home, I delivered the good news! Woke up this morning 2 minutes before my 7:30am alarm (that's 7:28am for those of you playing along at home!) and one by one (ok, there are only 2, but it sounds more dramatic!) the family woke up and got ready for our big outing. Keep in mind, I haven't been out in a week! Seriously! I can't even stick my head out of the window like a dog because we have childproof guards on the windows! Arf arf!!!
I made us walk. Yes. I felt like a newborn foal on my wobbly limbs. But so excited to walk. It was a round trip of about 3 miles. That after a week of pretty much no movement? Heaven.
Did our usual routine of comedy. Oh, wait. That's just us. But my daughter was in the room too, which added to my fun and sighing of relief. She's a trooper and a surgical veteran.
With fingers crossed, I wished upon whatever the hell was in the sky (star, cloud, sun, spaceship) that they would remove my drain. For a bit it seemed they wouldn't, but in the end they did and said that possibly they would aspirate next week. Fine. Whatever. They also filled my expander, which was my second wish (goooooo... spaceship!) and it feels really freaking tight but it already looks better. They said that sometimes with the filling, there is less fluid buildup. Um, yeah. There's no space!
Walked back downtown and marveled at how normal midtown felt. Everything was up and running, restaurants and stores open. We popped into what ended up being an AMAZING authentic Mexican hang. I ordered a dish called Huarache which was corn tortillas with black bean inside (like a filled pancake), topped with steak, avocado and other Mexican-y foodstuffs. Topped it off with an extra dose of fabulous hot sauce. I almost cried, it was so good to be out and eating something that I rarely get to eat.
Another appointment on the way home. I felt nearly normal! And I no longer have to wear the surgical bra. In fact, I went braless on the way home, which I wasn't super comfy with, but I didn't bring an option. However, that newly expanded breast is rock solid. I guess with a double it would be really surreal. I can barely feel it. But it's almost like a Barbie boobie. I wonder if Barbie had a double mastectomy with reconstruction and no nipples made.
One weird side effect. My back KILLS me. I'd read about it, but now I know it's real. I already have chronic back issues from my scoliosis and occupation. But hey, death would be a worse option, so I'll figure it out! No way in hell can I get a massage any time soon, but hubby has done a good job and we have a little massage mat that I just sat on for 20 - and crap. I need more. I was looking online for a massage chair like before. I found a killer deal but have never ordered from this site - it's like Groupon on crack. http://home.woot.com/offers/massage-chair-mc750
Do I drop the cash? We're all massage whores in this house. And I never bought that fancy handbag. Fuck the bag. I want something that will make me feel better! I wish I had experience with the site and also don't know how they deliver - it's a big-ass item! But I'm ready to drop the $. You only live once, and thank goodness my time was extended. So, I'll be thinking about this, but the sale ends in a few days. Tick tock.
It's hard to breathe sometimes. But I have a good family and a belly full of Mexican lunch. OLE', muthafuckas. Can't keep me down, even when I feel like crap!!!
I can't wait to feel like me again, but I really can't wait for the city to feel like itself again. xo
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Tuesday night, the calm after the storm.
Well, we never lost power, despite the rest of the city. Luckily, we have our own powerhouse, independent of Con Ed.
I never thought I'd wear my gorgeous new silk dress for the first time with a surgical bra, but here I am. It's beautiful and I feel silly, but in a way, I'm glad. It's comfortable, it fits everything where it has to be. My cleavage is industrial white cotton with a big old velcro strip, and the halter style dress is offset by the humungous matching white cotton straps, also velcro-laden. So it takes elegance away, but when I walk, it swishes against my legs, it poufs out with every supermodel turn, and no, I'm not actually moving in an elegant fashion. Hard to do when you're saying "owowowowowwww" under your breath with every move. But, let a girl dream...
I haven't had tylenol since early morning. I guess that means I'm getting better. But I'm not without pain or discomfort. I just feel safer knowing my pain than not. I won't move in a way that could compromise healing. And I am willing to take it if it gets to a point that I really need it. I'm stubborn, but not stupid. If I think my pain will impede healing, then of course, I'll be crawling inside the tylenol bottle. Because I want to get better.
I rubbed a bit of arnica on the excessive bruising near my left armpit and it did wonders. I'm going to have hubby do it tonight, he can get in more than I can. It's eerily numb. I hate to think about my nerves being severed, and hope that they can regenerate and reconnect. But I guess a numb arm is better than cancer devouring my soul. Yup.
I did my Halloween nails, even though I'm guessing that Halloween will be cancelled or postponed. I sure hope so, as that would give me a chance to possibly go out. (Um, likely no...) I'm really hoping to get to the doc this week, or at least someone who can remove the drainage tube. I know it will be awful if it's in longer than it should be. I'm not in the mood to wear this awful bulb around longer than necessary, but also for the extreme discomfort that goes along with removing a tube from my body that has been there long enough to settle in and call it home. Maybe I can find a video on Youtube to take us through, step by step?? :)
No thanks.
So as I muddle through the discomfort in my gorgeous dress and Halloween nails, I smell the smells of dinner - organic grass fed burgers, spinach salad, sauteed mushrooms, and rumor has it that the husband and child are planning on baking gluten free chocolate chip cookies. Hmmmm. Life could be worse. I'm loved. I'm alive. I'm going to feel like me again at some point, right???
I never thought I'd wear my gorgeous new silk dress for the first time with a surgical bra, but here I am. It's beautiful and I feel silly, but in a way, I'm glad. It's comfortable, it fits everything where it has to be. My cleavage is industrial white cotton with a big old velcro strip, and the halter style dress is offset by the humungous matching white cotton straps, also velcro-laden. So it takes elegance away, but when I walk, it swishes against my legs, it poufs out with every supermodel turn, and no, I'm not actually moving in an elegant fashion. Hard to do when you're saying "owowowowowwww" under your breath with every move. But, let a girl dream...
I haven't had tylenol since early morning. I guess that means I'm getting better. But I'm not without pain or discomfort. I just feel safer knowing my pain than not. I won't move in a way that could compromise healing. And I am willing to take it if it gets to a point that I really need it. I'm stubborn, but not stupid. If I think my pain will impede healing, then of course, I'll be crawling inside the tylenol bottle. Because I want to get better.
I rubbed a bit of arnica on the excessive bruising near my left armpit and it did wonders. I'm going to have hubby do it tonight, he can get in more than I can. It's eerily numb. I hate to think about my nerves being severed, and hope that they can regenerate and reconnect. But I guess a numb arm is better than cancer devouring my soul. Yup.
I did my Halloween nails, even though I'm guessing that Halloween will be cancelled or postponed. I sure hope so, as that would give me a chance to possibly go out. (Um, likely no...) I'm really hoping to get to the doc this week, or at least someone who can remove the drainage tube. I know it will be awful if it's in longer than it should be. I'm not in the mood to wear this awful bulb around longer than necessary, but also for the extreme discomfort that goes along with removing a tube from my body that has been there long enough to settle in and call it home. Maybe I can find a video on Youtube to take us through, step by step?? :)
No thanks.
So as I muddle through the discomfort in my gorgeous dress and Halloween nails, I smell the smells of dinner - organic grass fed burgers, spinach salad, sauteed mushrooms, and rumor has it that the husband and child are planning on baking gluten free chocolate chip cookies. Hmmmm. Life could be worse. I'm loved. I'm alive. I'm going to feel like me again at some point, right???
Monday, October 29, 2012
Big ol' Storm
School was canceled today. It's almost sprinkling. I know, it will get bad, and I'm glad my baby is here with me, but I still find it amusing right now.
I'm feeling a bit nauseous. Not sure why. I had some cereal and it helped, but my head is spinning. Hubs made me take a painkiller this morning, perhaps due to the crying and whimpering as I tried and failed to sit up in bed. Maybe the pill is the reason. I hate those things. I may call my doc today and see if there's something otc that will work. He did give us his cell phone number. I assume the office is closed but I could try that first. We'll see.
Found out my daughter can wear a Halloween costume to school as long as it's not a mask and no weapons. Hers includes both this year. The weapon is foam and silly, but still. So now, I need to figure something out. She's so far from being girly, but I suggested a zombie princess (I have a tiara and lots of dresses, we could put green eyeshadow all over her face!) but she didn't like that. She suggested being a 2nd grader. No thanks.
This rain is killing my joints. And I'm sure it's contributing to the pain in the surgical site. The nausea I can't explain.
We're trying to figure out what Wii game I can play now. I think Mario Kart will be ok on my arm. We use the remotes and not the wheel.
Mostly, I want to feel like me again. This blows.
I'm feeling a bit nauseous. Not sure why. I had some cereal and it helped, but my head is spinning. Hubs made me take a painkiller this morning, perhaps due to the crying and whimpering as I tried and failed to sit up in bed. Maybe the pill is the reason. I hate those things. I may call my doc today and see if there's something otc that will work. He did give us his cell phone number. I assume the office is closed but I could try that first. We'll see.
Found out my daughter can wear a Halloween costume to school as long as it's not a mask and no weapons. Hers includes both this year. The weapon is foam and silly, but still. So now, I need to figure something out. She's so far from being girly, but I suggested a zombie princess (I have a tiara and lots of dresses, we could put green eyeshadow all over her face!) but she didn't like that. She suggested being a 2nd grader. No thanks.
This rain is killing my joints. And I'm sure it's contributing to the pain in the surgical site. The nausea I can't explain.
We're trying to figure out what Wii game I can play now. I think Mario Kart will be ok on my arm. We use the remotes and not the wheel.
Mostly, I want to feel like me again. This blows.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Saturday morning. Another chance to sleep in and I can't do it!
My head was pounding this morning. I think from laying down. It also hurts the area that was violated on Wednesday. I can't really sleep sitting up all the time, but laying down is a real drag for many reasons. Headache. More pain in surgical sites. Trying to get up. However, I developed a great method that wouldn't be possible if both sides were done. I simply bend my right leg, grab with my right arm, and maneuver myself up by a sort of lever system. My face is also in what I like to call the "silent scream". My daughter is studying that stuff in school now, so I should thank her teachers. But if I weren't strong (not that it takes a lot, but when you're in pain everything is magnified!), would I be able to? Probably not. It still hurts and makes me tear up. But it makes independence possible at that moment, which is a very important aspect of recovery.
Oh, and I'm not pregnant. Yippee. Leave it to my freaking uterus to decide to empty out early. Like I need more blood loss, another thing to deal with. But, then again - I'm not pregnant. What sort of hell would that be???
I had a bite of scrambled eggs with my man. I thought it sounded incredibly unappealing until I took a bite. Ok, he made them with cheese and chopped up hot dog. Bachelor breakfast for sure, but damn... it was tasty.
So, now... he is going out shopping and to the gym. I am looking forward to him getting back so I can get a nice bath, have my hair washed, and get some makeup on my face.
Got a floral delivery today. Was nervous, as I kind of hate cut flowers. Surprise! It was a gorgeous orchid plant. Now, to keep it alive. I sure hope I get some bamboo if someone feels the need to send plants - I need all the good luck I can get! I also got an Edible Arrangements delivery. Holy crap, that is amazing. I will be sending these - or bamboo - to anyone recovering from anything. Seriously, the thing that sounds most non-vomitous after surgery is fruit. I asked hubby to go to Brazil to get some of the fruit I had at breakfast last week. It didn't seem cost or time effective, however. This came just in time!
So here I am. No pain medication, it doesn't help enough to make it worth it. And it's not fun. Hideous surgical bra with a nasty drainage bulb hanging from it. Tape residue on my arm and eyelids. But I'm breathing. And my husband still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Bullshit? Maybe. Or maybe we're just really in love.
Oh, and I'm not pregnant. Yippee. Leave it to my freaking uterus to decide to empty out early. Like I need more blood loss, another thing to deal with. But, then again - I'm not pregnant. What sort of hell would that be???
I had a bite of scrambled eggs with my man. I thought it sounded incredibly unappealing until I took a bite. Ok, he made them with cheese and chopped up hot dog. Bachelor breakfast for sure, but damn... it was tasty.
So, now... he is going out shopping and to the gym. I am looking forward to him getting back so I can get a nice bath, have my hair washed, and get some makeup on my face.
Got a floral delivery today. Was nervous, as I kind of hate cut flowers. Surprise! It was a gorgeous orchid plant. Now, to keep it alive. I sure hope I get some bamboo if someone feels the need to send plants - I need all the good luck I can get! I also got an Edible Arrangements delivery. Holy crap, that is amazing. I will be sending these - or bamboo - to anyone recovering from anything. Seriously, the thing that sounds most non-vomitous after surgery is fruit. I asked hubby to go to Brazil to get some of the fruit I had at breakfast last week. It didn't seem cost or time effective, however. This came just in time!
So here I am. No pain medication, it doesn't help enough to make it worth it. And it's not fun. Hideous surgical bra with a nasty drainage bulb hanging from it. Tape residue on my arm and eyelids. But I'm breathing. And my husband still looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman on the planet.
Bullshit? Maybe. Or maybe we're just really in love.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Day one at home
Slept ok, surprisingly. Woke up to pee, take meds, empty the drain, and while I can't say I've "never felt better", I was surprised at how little I cried when I had to move. There was one precarious moment when hubby went to get my meds and I tried for about 20 minutes to maneuver myself out of bed. That sucked. I felt like a helpless infant. And I thought back to my own mom, how she really didn't have anyone to help her. Yes, she had a husband, but I'm not going to go into the dynamics of their relationship. Only that I'm so sorry that she didn't have what she deserved.
After some Ezekiel toast with almond butter and jam, half a cup of coffee, a few gallons of water to keep flushing the bullshit out of me, and some kombucha, I looked at my arm and the disgusting tape residue that seemed to cover more area than actual skin, I decided it was time for a luxurious bath. Hubby scrubbed me, and thank goodness for Japanese scrubbing cloths . I grew up with these, amazing for your skin, and we tried a few swipes of rubbing alcohol to get the residue off but the fumes made me feel quite vomitous. So, in actuality, the scrubbing cloth and some beautiful organic bar soap did the trick well. I cried thinking of my mom again, how the hell did she bathe? I was too young, but as a teen I did give her sponge baths in the hospital. I wish I could have done more for her, but at least I know she loves that I have someone to do these things for me. Us moms care more about our children than ourselves, and I always want my little girl to have it better than I did, in every way.
Got dressed in my sassy zebra striped nightie. Originally I picked a button down shirt and shorts, but realized how much easier it was in the hospital to go to the restroom and how annoyed I was all night, having to fuss with my shorts and undies. Duh. The zebra nightie looks a hairball less fetching with the surgical bra and lump of drainage bulb underneath, but I've got my makeup on and am pretty sure that I'm looking better than yesterday in the god awful hospital gown. They should offer a premium package - I'd pay more to have something a bit more feminine on while recovering. I did consider bringing my own, but gave up on the idea when I realized that, well, I just wanted to be alive. Now? I'm glad to have options that say, "Hey! I only have one breast, but gaaaaaad damnit, I'm dressing it up like nobody's business. Ps. Fuck you, cancer"
So far it's going pretty good.
We've taken pictures along the way. Hubby even got a shot of me getting that awful radioactive shot right through my breast. The one that almost made me smack homeboy across the room. The one that made us both cry. And now, looking at it, I can not only remember the pain, but remember that I survived it. I spoke with quite a few medical folks there. There HAS to be a better way. That shit was unnecessarily painful. I mean, really. Feel a little pinch, my ass. That was torture. That was like a biopsy without the numbing stuff. Fuck them.
So now I'm clean, except my left armpit. But I'm pretty sure I smell fine - not much time to sweat.
Speaking of sweat, I'm very antsy right now. I need to move. It feels better. I'm very tempted to do easy squats against the wall with my swiss ball. In real life, I can do 100 and start to feel a little something normally, so 10 every now and again would be fine. I'm pretty sure I can't do pushups for a long time. Worse things have happened in life.
I want to clean the place - I want to do a lot. That's so Me. I'm a spaz. If only the pain meds made me sleepy... but that would suck too, because I'd be cursing about being so tired. Yeah, I'm not really complaining I guess. I really don't know how folks get hooked on pain meds - it's not fun for me. Again, I guess that's good too.
Time to call the docs. I love my husband. He's a true warrior. Maybe he'll curl my hair.
After some Ezekiel toast with almond butter and jam, half a cup of coffee, a few gallons of water to keep flushing the bullshit out of me, and some kombucha, I looked at my arm and the disgusting tape residue that seemed to cover more area than actual skin, I decided it was time for a luxurious bath. Hubby scrubbed me, and thank goodness for Japanese scrubbing cloths . I grew up with these, amazing for your skin, and we tried a few swipes of rubbing alcohol to get the residue off but the fumes made me feel quite vomitous. So, in actuality, the scrubbing cloth and some beautiful organic bar soap did the trick well. I cried thinking of my mom again, how the hell did she bathe? I was too young, but as a teen I did give her sponge baths in the hospital. I wish I could have done more for her, but at least I know she loves that I have someone to do these things for me. Us moms care more about our children than ourselves, and I always want my little girl to have it better than I did, in every way.
Got dressed in my sassy zebra striped nightie. Originally I picked a button down shirt and shorts, but realized how much easier it was in the hospital to go to the restroom and how annoyed I was all night, having to fuss with my shorts and undies. Duh. The zebra nightie looks a hairball less fetching with the surgical bra and lump of drainage bulb underneath, but I've got my makeup on and am pretty sure that I'm looking better than yesterday in the god awful hospital gown. They should offer a premium package - I'd pay more to have something a bit more feminine on while recovering. I did consider bringing my own, but gave up on the idea when I realized that, well, I just wanted to be alive. Now? I'm glad to have options that say, "Hey! I only have one breast, but gaaaaaad damnit, I'm dressing it up like nobody's business. Ps. Fuck you, cancer"
So far it's going pretty good.
We've taken pictures along the way. Hubby even got a shot of me getting that awful radioactive shot right through my breast. The one that almost made me smack homeboy across the room. The one that made us both cry. And now, looking at it, I can not only remember the pain, but remember that I survived it. I spoke with quite a few medical folks there. There HAS to be a better way. That shit was unnecessarily painful. I mean, really. Feel a little pinch, my ass. That was torture. That was like a biopsy without the numbing stuff. Fuck them.
So now I'm clean, except my left armpit. But I'm pretty sure I smell fine - not much time to sweat.
Speaking of sweat, I'm very antsy right now. I need to move. It feels better. I'm very tempted to do easy squats against the wall with my swiss ball. In real life, I can do 100 and start to feel a little something normally, so 10 every now and again would be fine. I'm pretty sure I can't do pushups for a long time. Worse things have happened in life.
I want to clean the place - I want to do a lot. That's so Me. I'm a spaz. If only the pain meds made me sleepy... but that would suck too, because I'd be cursing about being so tired. Yeah, I'm not really complaining I guess. I really don't know how folks get hooked on pain meds - it's not fun for me. Again, I guess that's good too.
Time to call the docs. I love my husband. He's a true warrior. Maybe he'll curl my hair.
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