It's interesting. I've been preparing for death since my diagnosis. Will in order (though it could be updated, it's ok as is). Got hubby on the apartment paperwork so there would be no question that he is an owner (I can't imagine dropping dead and the co-op kicking him out, but anything is possible in this crazy world!) Condensing accounts (one more to go, from 10 years ago - just need the transfer info, and that's on my mind hard core! But, if I were to disappear tonight, it would still be in my name and eventually go to him. But I'm all for simplicity and clean lines). SO much more stuff to get rid of in the house, or organize. Time leads to the accumulation of stuff. I've been trying to pare down so that my family doesn't have a lot of stuff to pick through or feel guilty about trashing or donating. There's really nobody to fight over my stuff, since I've basically no family. But still, I'd like for it to be as painless to eventually clear me out. I know that's a really hard thing for folks to deal with, and I don't want that for anyone, as a result of my passing.
It seems that daily, I'm less and less afraid of dying. Not because I'm better, but because, there's nothing to fear. It happens. I think it's probably a lot easier to die than to be left behind (case in point - me as a teen when my mom died). I still have a hard time. I still wake up, 25 years later, wanting to call her and check in. I first told my mom that I loved her when I was about 15 or 16. Why? I am most likely autistic. Those who know me now at this age would heartily disagree, until they heard my childhood stories, up until my mid 20's, really. I still have many signs that I have learned to curb myself. There was no help for people like me. My brother was worse. The docs said he had "tics". My father... definitely aspergers. Certainly a lot of our problems as regards our relationship - we basically never had one. I tried to make things better when I realized what might be going on. I was in my 20s, and then in my 30s. He denied everything. It must all be in my mind. So, I shut him out of my mind and life. I can't fix everything or everyone, but I am in control of my life and happiness.
I loved my mom but felt guilt about that, since I loathed the man she married. It turns out that she wasn't too fond of him, but that's a long story. So my guilt was unwarranted, of course, but I still felt it. And when I had my daughter, I promised myself that she would hear and feel how much I love her. Because I do. My mom loved me and showed me, sometimes told me, in her own ways. But it was mostly unspoken, and difficult to hear through the disease and hatred in our "home" which was really a hoarding disaster supported by chronic unemployment.
Being a parent is so difficult as you chat with the Angel of Death. Actually, Angel is a very nice being. When it's time, it's time. Nobody is invincible. If you're not afraid of leaving, it's probably a good experience. I often wonder how folks feel as they die. The light? Is it there? Do they really see relatives who have passed on? Will I see my mom? Her sister (who died in her 20's, also from cancer)? Her parents? My grandma on my father's side, who I absolutely loved and was not invited to the funeral (courtesy of my father). In fact, when my mom passed, her will was "lost". Her platinum wedding rings were "lost", the only thing I ever really wanted of hers. I used to wear it as a kid when it was sitting in her ring holder. She used to laugh and say I always have expensive taste (I liked lobster, platinum rings... and here I was, the kid who wondered if we'd have food around for dinner). A lot was lost. More than he bargained for. Because that was my final (but long) straw. I was encouraged by ex's past to keep my relatives in my life. Blood is thicker than... I think NOT. You lose my right to keep my mother's belongings that she wanted me to have, and destroy her will? You sell her wedding rings that were to be mine? Yeah.
I wonder if my mom will meet him at the bright light when he crosses over. I don't know. Maybe there is a universal forgiveness on the other side. I wouldn't be shocked, because it seems right. But, how far does it go? Are murderers forgiven by their victims? Are rapists? I mean, how far does the forgiveness roll?
I have had to forgive a lot of people in my past. That means that I've been pretty tortured along the way, I guess. Today, I received an email from an ex. Ok, I was the ass. I "dated" him because he was so inaccessible by living 3 hours away, but gave me the opportunity to not only receive gifts in the mail (which sustained our relationship, sadly), but also labeled me as "Unavailable". It worked. Until he told me he was looking into schools where he lives... for my daughter. No thanks.
So, I got this email today. He's going to be at an event that I will be performing at. And why exactly is he telling me this? This also happened a year ago. In all honesty, seeing his bloated face full of anguish (perhaps his marriage is on the rocks, and I would guess so, according to the few late night emails from him once I left him, and during his marriage - which happened a month after my breaking up!) , it was non-eventful, other than the pity I felt for him, and the shame for using a person to be unavailable to others. Why couldn't I say that I was just not interested, and happily single? Every time I was single, I was hit by an onslaught of suitors or friends of guys who would be perfect for me. PERFECT, I tell you. No thanks.
Why should someone send me an email? Is it a hopeful, narcissistic hook, trying to bait me into some torrid affair? I probably should have told him the truth, that I never liked him. But, that would be meaner than the act itself. But, in hindsight, perhaps it would have been best.
I actually did that once. Knew a guy for YEARS. Very handsome, in the same field, lost touch for years. Got back in touch, ironically, when both were single. Decided to give it a go. WORST idea. It was awful. And I kept hearing from him. Didn't want to be mean. But finally, I had to. Enough was enough. I basically told him that he had a better time than I did, evidently.
Was that mean? Maybe. But it was the truth. And I never heard from him again. Ok, a few times years later. But, at least he was able to move on, as embarrassed and angry as he probably was. I always wished him happiness and kind of wish we had just remained friends.
Sigh.
Love, or at least the appearance of love, is so complicated. We feel bad for single people. Why?
Yes. I'm in a good place now. But I'm also on my way out. That Angel of Death keeps peeking, texts me, checks in on me in my dreams. He's waiting to hang hard core. And I'm not afraid. Because, for all of my many faults, for all of my mistakes and bad decisions, I haven't been such an awful person to the core.
What happens to those who have been awful? Are they burning in the fiery pits of Hell? Do they hear a Verse on a given song over and over, without a chorus, or even some sort of drum break or interlude? Now, that would be hell. No thanks.
So, back to work I go. On the road early tomorrow and I really don't want to go, but I must. I need the money. Cancer has really taken a huge chunk of cash-flow, not to mention the expense of being my own holistic oncologist. I also want to save for when I am gone. I want my family to have something to survive on. That bathroom ain't gonna redo itself, and I set a high bar when I buy only organic foods.
Is it wrong that I hope that my husband finds a good partner when I'm gone? Should I want him to mourn my loss? I guess so. But I know him, and he will sink in it. He's super hot and smart and amazing. He needs to keep his good energy out there. I think a good partner will help him. He's a lot to handle, but worth it.
Why all of this thought about death? Because it can hit anyone at any time. People are in denial. People think they can do stuff in 10 years. They can finally clean out that closet, or write that will, or whatever. Nope. Tomorrow may be the end. And it's ok. But I'm trying to not leave my family in chaos amongst the chaos. It's somehow sobering and calming to know. I don't want to be walking toward my mom in the light only to realize that I forgot to pay some bill, or I left the cat box unscooped, or I forgot to tell my family that I loved them.
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