Stupid bone density.

I called it.

My left hip started hurting. My knees too, while dancing on a gig. But that hip was getting chronic.

Normally bone density isn't checked until a year after Tamoxifen. Why? 6 months, I insisted. Osteopenia. Mostly in left hip. Duh. I should have been a doctor. Or a psychic.

Maybe not a psychic. I look terrible in a turban. But, HOW much a minute? Ok, let me rethink the turban.

So, what now? My hormones are a wreck. I bruise easier. Which I thought was impossible, previously. My period threatens to stop. Sounds nice in theory, until your uterus is all tied up in knots and you want to stab it with a knife to possibly relieve the pain. Then, your period starts for a couple of days, stops abruptly, and you worry that you're pregnant. I'm FOREVER starving. I mean, always. It's no wonder that women gain an extra entire woman on this medication. I've been incredibly disciplined, but just ate a half of a bag of organic corn chips, leftover from the dinner table. Thank goodness I can somehow keep myself together enough to do my intermittent fasting (I start eating after lunchtime now). Sometimes I have to melatonin and pour a generous glass of wine to get myself to bed with my full but rumbling tummy. If I had no self control (or was not totally vain!) I would be double sized by now.

So, is it worth it? The percentages aren't as great as the drug companies try to convince us. But, we're scared. I don't want to die and have my daughter think that I could have saved myself by popping these things. I sometimes wonder if my mom would have survived if they had this stuff. Most likely, not. But, my brain goes there. And hers will too - so if I drop dead tomorrow, I want her to know that I did everything possible to keep myself from dropping dead. Even if I don't believe it all.

What now? I have no answers. I have no ideas. Only that I want to stop all of this shit. I want to be ME. I want my damned nipple back. I want all that tissue back, as imperfect as it was. I want to stop worrying about lymphedema, and about soy, and I want to know that I can time my period to the day and know when to carry around girl supplies. Not this element of surprise shit. It happened a week early, at a party, out of town. Luckily I thought enough to slip a tampon in my tiny clutch purse that can't even hold my phone. And luckily, I decided to visit the restroom one more time before leaving, even though I had been there 20 minutes prior. And I found that I didn't have a "beginning flow" but a day two flow. Out of the blue. In a white floral dress. Luckily I caught the red sea just in time.

I'm so frustrated. I kind of don't care anymore (lies) that my cancer cells might migrate and become "incurable". Um, I feel incurable anyway.

Last week, the evening after acupuncture, I threw up. Like, a lot. One minute I was on the couch. I felt this weird "I'm going to puke" feeling, got up, calmly walked to the bathroom, knelt over the toilet like I did after a drinking binge in my early 20's, and very calmly and oddly comfortably, puked a huge amount of stuff. It didn't even bother me. It felt necessary. I brushed my teeth, mouthwashed, and was fine.  How 'bout that?

I felt sick again yesterday but didn't have to purge. I feel like my body is trying to get rid of something. Is it the cancer or the medication? Maybe I can puke it all out. All of it.