Quickly... Fast!

I woke up sick of myself this morning. A couple of lbs. crept back in. And, I'm positive it has nothing to do with the fact that I made my daughter pasta and she didn't finish it - but somehow, it disappeared. Curious, that disappearing pasta event...

So I clamped down until about 3:15 pm. Green tea, water, coffee, and - a few pieces of candy to get rid of that funky taste in my throat that has been plaguing me (and possibly making me eat more than I need to!) I assume the taste is via Tamoxifen. I assume everything evil is.

But, today, I clamped down. Started with a cup of fruit salad and calcium pills. Graduated to a dressingless salad with nothing that bore any real caloric value, but lots of healthy stuff. Ok, I also sauteed a few garlic cloves - my daughter was making some sauteed mushrooms and I threw them in. A few calcium pills. Then - 2 apples and a small serving of dried seaweed - made with olive oil and no soy involved (that is hard to find!!!)  Dessert? I plan on calcium pills.  And yes, I'm following the directions on this supplement. It's a lot of pills spaced out.

I actually don't feel chubby. I seem like the same size. My abs don't feel like flabs. But the scale is up. And I have been naughty with the chow since Friday. So, I need to clear out and get back into fighting shape. Really, it's just 7 lbs. that I would like to leave behind, but truth be told - I'm still about 2 lbs. lighter than when I finished radiation. But I ain't settling.

Ok. So, what gives with Bitter Apricot Seeds? Or B17? Or Laetrile? Man, I'm ready to chow down on these things - I can't imagine that they'd be any more dangerous than Tamoxifen - and I would think a heck of a lot less dangerous! Anyone know? Please let me know! I can stomach the bitter taste! Knowing me, I'll convince myself that they're delicious-y.  Need to research more. Of course.

Meanwhile, back at Fat Camp... no, not really. I know. I'm hard on myself, but in a good way. I watched my mom slowly slip into apathy over the 10 years of her cancer. And I have days and moments where I can feel how easy it is to slip down that path myself. Unlike her, though - I (finally!) have a good man at my side. I have a great kid who I tell just about everything in my treatment. I was kept in the dark. She's less scared, I hope, knowing what I'm going through. The mystery stuff is always the most scary. She's also a curious kid. I was scared and silent at her age, and got worse with time. I think I started to become social when I hovered around 30. And, I'm still a very private person in many ways. I love time alone. I don't seek out social adventures, but they find me when I need them. I love my friends, and they respect this about me.

Lawdy, I was so hungry about an hour ago, but now I'm feeling fine. Must be all those God Damned calcium pills that are filling me up! I think it's 8 a day (spread over hours, but still... gag...)  Let's hope my bones come back to me. I am NOT in the mood to have a broken granny hip!

Tomorrow - excitement... can't say why even though this is semi-anonymous. Let's just say, I'm hoping it's not just a dream. And, on that note - zzzzzz!