Does radiation make someone go absolutely batty?
Tomorrow is my last day.
My skin looks so horrible that I'm afraid to look in the mirror. Really? This shit again? It's almost worse than after surgery when I was afraid to look at my bloody *thing*.
I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. Last night I took one ambien and woke up repeatedly. Tonight, I will take as many as I need. Well, up to 3 or 4. Since they are a half dose.
I'm fed up with my daughter. I spend almost every night screaming at her about homework.
Tonight a neighbor told me her friend wanted to meet me. He is a musician. I told hubby and he said, no need for me to go there, he'd go meet the guy. What the fuck? I don't think he understood that she has been telling this guy about me for years. But sure, go meet the guy for me. Oh, and I'll put a casserole in the God-damned oven and tie a pretty bow in my hair and light your fucking cigar.
THIS is why I question my sanity. Am I wrong? Should I have smacked my husband in the head and said, "No, ass hole, he wanted to meet ME. I'm not just a fucking cancer patient, I'm an artist and he's interested in who I am". But no, I let him go meet this dude and ignore the poor little burnt girl who used to be her own person.
My daughter, that's another issue. She's 11. She spent the last 2 days with her good for nothing father. The sperm donor. Naturally after 2 days, he has turned her into a helpless brat who blames everyone and everything for all of her problems. Just like him. In fact, we got an email from her math teacher today, and his response was to email me to give me permission to tell her that "this is how Republicans act". Um, seriously? What does that even mean? He is teaching her to be like him. Which means, eventually she will probably get kicked out of highschool, barely get her GED, and spend her life trying to get everyone else to pay her way.
Fuck that.
So, yeah, I'm thrilled that tomorrow is my last radiation. I just hope they turn the beams on high and fucking kill me already.
If I don't die tomorrow in the Star Trek Torture Chamber, maybe my daughter will see the light (pun not intended) and realize that her father is a waste, and life would suck if she grew up like him - with a huge ego and the only actual skill he has is the ability to be a waste of a human life.
Ok, that feels better.
Was hubby trying to help? I don't even know. How is that possible? Help me by meeting someone who asked to meet me? Is it ego? Is it oblivion?
All I know is I need a fucking glass of wine. Now.
WHOA! I can't believe the teacher made that comment!!!! That is horrendous! Keep politics out of the kids at this age and let them make their own choices and decisions. And dag nab it-that kinda crap burns my butt. Seriously!!!!
ReplyDeleteFYI- On the homework, K. You're not alone. We're in the very same fight and battle right now too- Every. Stinking. Night. I boggle my mind just thinking about it. Some nights are better than others (where we fight for about 50 minutes. Most nights the fights can go on for hours though.)
And I hear you on the hubby thing. You love him. He loves you. It's that chemical burn hitting you square in the head for one. And you still have a right to care that you want to meet someone that's interested in you as a musician. THAT, my friend, is completely normal. That means, they're interested in meeting YOU, not the cancer in you..... It's okay to have all of those feelings. SMILE!!! You're loved!
Wasn't a teacher - was the ex husband, her dad... not so surprising now... 'eh?
ReplyDeleteHomework has gotten a little better. Bringing my kid to parent teacher conferences is very good. She hears the good and the bad, and when we're all together like that, she has to be honest about it all.
Hubby is good too. We are all doing our best, and sometimes our best sucks ass. Now that the fog is starting to lift from my brain, it's a little easier to be me again. And now that I'm in less physical pain, it's easier to feel like me again. I just can't wait for my exchange surgery. Ugh........... this whole cancer deal blows. But, it is what it is!