Heading into June, are we?

Well, THAT was fast! I mean, life. It's not over, but dang. How is it that it moves at warp speed and, as kids we think it moves slowly until we're well into adulthood. Perhaps it's when we can really feel our mortality. Regardless, I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

I've now been on my waking up at 4:15am drill for maybe 2 months?  Get to the gym at 5am (the opening bell), workout for between an hour and an hour and a half (depending on how I'm feeling, my cario-abilities etc.) Some days, it's weights for 30, cardio for the same. Some days, it's weights for 60 and maybe no cardio, or at least something - even 15 minutes helps the quest.

I'm definitely improving. My body, my mood, my choices. But I still feel empty. It's been a very rough few months with my daughter (the teen years - and I know it could be worse, but, my girl is so stubborn).  She did SO well and then we had issues with her not wanting to do her work (which, by the way, she could knock out of the park in 20% of the time her fellow students could. I'm not saying that as her mom, but as someone in the know). It hurts me to see this happen.

If I had followed in my dad's footsteps, I'd likely be dead. He's still alive, but the way that he functions in the world, the way he (doesn't) take care of himself, the disregard he has for others - eh, I'd have no career, no life, no hope.

Dark, huh?

Coincidentally, a clap of thunder rang as I typed that.

It's like a time release thing, parenting. It's like taking a slow releasing pill, but instead of 8 hours, it's 40 years. You just have to make sure you complete administering the medication. You have to see it through no matter how much it seems it isn't working, how much it may hurt emotionally, how tired it makes you feel. The side effects can suck, but once in a while that light shines in and you see it. You see glimmers of success. It's like trying to stretch out all that nasty scar tissue after surgery. Hurts. Feels odd, and sometimes wrong. But you keep going, safely, and eventually, that range of motion is better than ever. Or at least, as good as you can get it, and better than you had imagined it could be.

I think back to coming home from my mastectomy. I felt so awful, so violated and mutilated. I felt destroyed as a human being who lived her life doing all of the right things enough of the time that this never should have happened. But then, it did. I could barely walk, I couldn't stand up straight, the drains hurt, the site hurt, my heart hurt, and I couldn't always see the light. But I stretched, I did what I could do, we massaged out the cording (so painful, it hurts to even hear the word!) I had to make a decision, every minute, of how I would live. Much of the time, I didn't want to. But that shifted as I felt changes in my own body, from the painful work.

I guess parenting is the same.

I'm gonna feel like a walking miracle when she grows up and things work out, just like my scar tissue.

My weight has been difficult these past few months.  I'm still small, but it has felt wrong.

So, in the past 2 weeks, hubby and I have been doing more intense intermittent fasting. Actually, a mishmash of things - so it's not actually fasting in the Gandhi sense, but it has definitely helped out. And my energy has been good - trying to get to bed in time to get a full nights sleep is challenging, but I'm getting at least as much sleep as I did before - not always, but enough that this whole shift in my schedule has been really beneficial. And, regardless of the numbers (though I'm glad they're heading back home), I feel stronger and happier. But I was at rockbottom for long enough that anything can feel better.

Speaking of fasting, gotta cook up a gorgeous grass fed organic steak for my girl. I'm going to steal a slice, but am really looking forward to my huge salad and homemade soup (bone broth, shiritaki noodles, veggies, cayenne and salt and pepper - it's ridiculously good). Maybe we'll even bake some cookies. I can't be a saint all the time! ;)

Deep breath, and... garden.

The garden deadline is in 10 days.

What?

Yeah. I belong to a community garden. More accurately, my daughter does. Because it takes forever to get a patch unless you're a kid - they get priority. So every family with a kid in our complex signs their kid up. Theoretically it's to encourage the children to garden alongside the old folks. In theory - super. In reality, I was digging up the hard soil from this awful winter, plucking weeds, putting the dead rosemary bush to rest in the compost, pretending I know how to do garden stuff. I even planted a half dead rosemary bush we bought a week and a half ago. Whoopee.

I do like the garden, occasionally. I have to hit the farmers market to get some starters. Ain't no way in hell I'm going to try and actually put seeds in the dirt. I mean, I've tried, and I've laughed. At least laughter is good medicine, right?

Saw a friend who also is part of the losing boob parts cancer world. She had a lumpectomy - stage zero, but still - losing a part is losing a part. She went through 5 weeks of radiation. And is, I found out today as I scanned the dirt for disgusting worms to avoid (luckily, there were none!), refusing tamoxifen. I was relieved. I know, perhaps it helps some - but I haven't met one woman who hasn't hated this. Except for one - but she has no ovaries and stuff and is way past menopause junk. I guess I should say anyone under 50.

It was nice to catch up. Apparently her doc is smart and says that losing a few pounds is way more beneficial in cancer recurrence prevention than that poison. My clan of docs agree and love what I'm doing.

My new 5am gym routine is amazing. It's nuts. Yesterday we were out all day, and I had WAY more to drink than I usually do. I have actually barely been drinking, but it was a birthday celebration followed by a gig where I wasn't playing, so what the heck, right? I thought, maybe I'll skip the gym in the morning.  WRONG! I woke up at 4 instead of 4:30! So I looked on my phone a bit when I realized sleep was no longer an option, got up and dressed in my workout finery, and cleaned up a bit since I couldn't show up before the opening bell. Weird, no?  Had a good workout. I always do in the morning. There's something about being that fresh for the day. No excuses. I lift about an hour if I get there at 5 on the dot. Including abs. I have been feeling fairly badass, and recently when I do straight barbell curls (no 21's, but just full reps) I've been manning up to a 60 lb bar. I mean, if that doesn't up my testosterone and send my estrogen packing, then the world is more stupid than I thought. I'm making my own tamoxifen with muscles. I still should go the roid route and get all juiced and beefy, but I'm not sure I can handle (pun intended) having my own penis.

Seriously. I'm too old to figure out how to wear one of those.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted now. We'll see what time I stir tomorrow, but I really like this routine. I haven't missed a day since I started this early morning thing, and I can really feel my body changing. Perhaps I'm flushing all the tamoxifen out of my system once and for all? Oh, and the cancer too. Please vacate and never return. Thanks in advance!  xo

Time flies when you're busy living!

Oops!

It's been wild here - I've been busy but also taking care of myself more.

I have been on this forever weight battle. I know, if you actually know me, I'm small. But, the effort to stay even 10 lbs. OVER my normal weight is tremendous. How is this possible? Yes, it could be age, but that metabolism doesn't shut off one day like a burned out light.

So, I eat smarter. I work out a LOT more. And still, I fight.

I've been waking up somewhere between 4:30 and 5am. The gym opens at 5, which means I have my pick of equipment. If I want 6 pair of dumbbells and 3 barbells, they're mine. I don't have to wait! And, nobody is too stinky (so far). And, I am at my best with weight training first thing. And, when I get home and shower, my warmup on my instrument is much, much, much better.

So, that's my schtick. And, some evenings, I go back with a book and sit on a bike for an hour.

My trend has been to burn as many calories or more as I consume.

Yet, I gain. Or maintain. But this is no maintenance regimen. This is a badass shredded body builder one.

But, I'm happy to be alive and to be feeling better than I have been for a couple of years. Holy crap. A couple of years? I've been feeling like crap for that long? That definitely is not cool.

Now, if I can convince the docs that I should be on 'roids, I'm pretty sure my life would be complete.

I could win coveted titles, like first place in the Ms. Cancerriffic Muscle Mama!  Yeah. I made that up, but it should be a thing.  I would wear my sash proudly, as I lumber through the world with my humungous quads, too big to fit into anything but those ginormous workout pants from the 80s. 

Don't laugh like you didn't own a pair! 

Ok, so maybe it's a bad idea. But I'd be willing to go through a cycle or two and see just how huge I could get. I mean, I'm positive my husband would be willing to pop the steroid zits on my back and deal with the rage (which he's been through with the tamoxifen!). The lady parts? Well, at least my fake breast won't shrink. We'll have to sort out the other one. And downstairs? Guess I'll have to get used to boxer briefs. A guy needs some support, ya know.

I just talked myself out of it. Darn.

Week from downstairs

It's going to be busy - I'm looking forward to next Sunday!

Quick update from my phone between working on music!  Feeling ok. Weight battle continues. Mood is generally better. (It couldn't get worse!!!). 

Met a new Gp. Fabulous. She said I'm anemic. So now I have to take iron. Which constipates the crap out of me. Haha. Oxymoron! I started taking it with probiotics which at least stopped the tummy pains. Said my thyroid didn't warrant meds. Ugh. For once I actually wanted them!!! 

That's about it. I can barely move. Let's hope I get some sleep. I'll definitely be needing it!!!

Crampzilla

I know. I can have epic menstrual stuff for months after surgery. Crampy today, but I'm not going to let it destroy me!

My cleanse went very well. I actually felt a ton better, though I was bloated after introducing solids (carrots! YUM!) I did it a day before hitting the road for a gig and am glad for that decision, because on show day I didn't feel too awful, though some bloating did occur. But, I was definitely better off than if I had not done the 3 day cleanse at all.

I thought about doing it again today, but after trudging through snow for about an hour, really wanted something comforting. So, I made shiritaki noodles with peanut sauce. And followed it with some kimchi. And plantain chips. MUCH better. I'm thinking salad for dinner. And maybe tomorrow, a one day cleanse. Why not? We'll see how I feel.

But. I am cramping today. Who knows why? Could be PMS, which is due. And given last months epic flow, it would make sense to not be super comfy. Last night, I had tremendous breast pain. I actually was thankful that I only have one. Go figure! *sigh*

And, Wednesday is a mammogram for my girl that's left. Let's hope I'm not having pain. And, of course I'm late on the schedule, so I can't really put it off. Grin and bear tit.  Ugh.

It's been a very emotional month for me. I'd like a little respite from it all. Perhaps a little dark chocolate tonight?  (there goes the couple of pounds I managed to drop!)

Master of Cleanse

Well, as per my plan, since accidentally starting a cleanse yesterday, I did my first day of Master Cleanse. Though I'm calling it day 2. Because of yesterday. Do the math. My brain is fuzzy.

I bought this Vibrant Cleanse a couple of weeks back, because, dang. I don't have time for all day lemon squeezing and measuring syrup (and, knowing me, putting in too much because it's so yummy!). So far today, I drank some laxative tea after my morning swill (that saltwater thing? I tried a couple of months ago on an empty stomach and literally walked around like a water balloon for a few days.) My morning swill: fresh lemon (see?), cayenne, apple cider vinegar, and fresh ginger. Dump in nutribullet with super clean Berkey water and voila. Instant gag reflex! Not really. I actually kind of like it. In a sadistic way.  Anyway, I also had maybe 3 glasses of home-brew kombucha. Through the day I eyeballed my safety cup of coffee in a thermos, but never touched it. I did have some herbal tea, water, and 3 glasses of the VC. I actually felt a bit tipsy, but good. Went to the gym for VERY light cardio on the recumbent bike for a bit under an hour.

So, this is day 2 of my cleanse. I figure, if I can get through tomorrow, that is magic. If I can handle Wednesday? Wow. But Thursday is an out of town gig, and the last thing I need is to be woozy in my stage heels with the bright lights and the massive amounts of oxygen being thrown in and out of my body. So... 2, 3, or 4 days. All together? I'm super pleased. I have been gaining a bit (or at least not losing, due to my thyroid issues), and even if I don't lose (PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE let me lose!), at least I feel cleaner.

I woke up 1 lb lighter. That's something. I know, I'm small. You'd think I would have woken up 2 or 3. Whatever. It's really about the reset button. I've done 10 day cleanses with fresh veg and fruit juices before, and always felt magical at the end. So, I know this is about my own health, but heck if I won't jump up and down if I drop my few lbs. that I can't seem to shake. Honestly, I'm just 5 from my "usual" weight, 8 from my "yippee" weight. So, let's just see. I can always start up again after the gig. And, what if I just do it one or two days a week for a while? As a former personal trainer, I used to do a once a week reset day, where I would do the opposite, but I was in my 20's and early 30's. I worked out 5 hours a day. I ate 6 small meals a day. I was a TANK.

Now, I'm in my 40's. I am dancing with cancer. I am poisoned and burned and tired of it. I'm stressed. I work out a few times a week if I'm lucky (though, I'm still a badass in the gym, if I do say so myself!). I'm a mom and a wife. So, there's a lot more going on. But, I'm alive! So, let's throw lemons in the air like we really care!

Sigh. Time to crawl into bed soon, cuddle with the kitties and fall asleep to a movie. Last night I started a PBS special on Prohibition. Totally fascinating. Though, it did make me wish I could have a sip of something. Mmmm. Lemon/cayenne/syrup...

That was Fast!

Apparently, I'm almost fasting today.  I didn't mean to, and ok, I had 2 cups of coffee, 2 glasses of home brew kombucha, a cup of golden milk, a few glasses of water, and now some herbal tea. I have been on the verge of a cold and keep fighting it, so perhaps my body is telling me to do this today.

Plus, we had a party yesterday, and naturally, I ate.

This is normal, right? Eating? And, we didn't have much naughty food. I was very good. Probably ate fewer calories than the average American at this thing.

But, I had my thyroid levels checked at my post-op appointment because it's been such a hard road, this weighting game.  And, in fact, I was right as usual - at least when it comes to my health.

My T4 levels are low. Not terribly, but I have no baseline, so I assume they were on the higher side of normal. So, yes, my thyroid is messed up. From radiation? From tamoxifen? From stress? What???

Yeah. I'm small. I work out a lot, and I eat really clean. But the second I eat more than 800 calories, and many times 600, I gain. And yes, I was a personal trainer for many years. I understand the calorie game. They are all quality calories, and since I don't count the coconut oil in my coffee, or the home brew kombucha with chia seeds I consume daily, it's probably 200 on top of whatever I record in my log. And then, factor in the exercise calories.

So, I have an appointment to meet a new GP (my old one moved to Ohio or some crap - I mean, seriously???) But this one comes from my great new OB/GYN, and she has gotten to know me very quickly, and intimately, as they all do. So I have faith that I will like this doc as well.

So, here I am. Fasting involuntarily. But I have BIG PLANS to go to bed early tonight and perhaps squash this looming not-a-cold-but-could-be-easily-if-I-keep-up-and-not-sleeping game. So now that it's nearly 5pm, I've worked out, done all my stuff, am now practicing a bit so I don't go off the musical rails before my hit Thursday.... I am planning on a cozy movie in bed with the kitties before I abruptly kick them out so they're not pouncing on me all night, and get some sleep.

Fasting works well for my weight now. It was never a thing that I did. I'm slowly learning to embrace not feeling full. I grew up super poor, so there was always slight panic in my brain. Leave no morsel of food uneaten, eat when not hungry, because you're not sure when the next meal will present itself, etc. It makes for a messed up mindset, but finally, I'm getting the hang of the fact that I will not, in fact, starve to death.

Looking forward to my millions of doc appointments coming up (not!). Mammo up ahead as well. I'm so behind on my dental, but I just get tired. Tired of seeing someone and having them do stuff that isn't fun.