Well, THAT was fast! I mean, life. It's not over, but dang. How is it that it moves at warp speed and, as kids we think it moves slowly until we're well into adulthood. Perhaps it's when we can really feel our mortality. Regardless, I'm trying to enjoy every moment.
I've now been on my waking up at 4:15am drill for maybe 2 months? Get to the gym at 5am (the opening bell), workout for between an hour and an hour and a half (depending on how I'm feeling, my cario-abilities etc.) Some days, it's weights for 30, cardio for the same. Some days, it's weights for 60 and maybe no cardio, or at least something - even 15 minutes helps the quest.
I'm definitely improving. My body, my mood, my choices. But I still feel empty. It's been a very rough few months with my daughter (the teen years - and I know it could be worse, but, my girl is so stubborn). She did SO well and then we had issues with her not wanting to do her work (which, by the way, she could knock out of the park in 20% of the time her fellow students could. I'm not saying that as her mom, but as someone in the know). It hurts me to see this happen.
If I had followed in my dad's footsteps, I'd likely be dead. He's still alive, but the way that he functions in the world, the way he (doesn't) take care of himself, the disregard he has for others - eh, I'd have no career, no life, no hope.
Dark, huh?
Coincidentally, a clap of thunder rang as I typed that.
It's like a time release thing, parenting. It's like taking a slow releasing pill, but instead of 8 hours, it's 40 years. You just have to make sure you complete administering the medication. You have to see it through no matter how much it seems it isn't working, how much it may hurt emotionally, how tired it makes you feel. The side effects can suck, but once in a while that light shines in and you see it. You see glimmers of success. It's like trying to stretch out all that nasty scar tissue after surgery. Hurts. Feels odd, and sometimes wrong. But you keep going, safely, and eventually, that range of motion is better than ever. Or at least, as good as you can get it, and better than you had imagined it could be.
I think back to coming home from my mastectomy. I felt so awful, so violated and mutilated. I felt destroyed as a human being who lived her life doing all of the right things enough of the time that this never should have happened. But then, it did. I could barely walk, I couldn't stand up straight, the drains hurt, the site hurt, my heart hurt, and I couldn't always see the light. But I stretched, I did what I could do, we massaged out the cording (so painful, it hurts to even hear the word!) I had to make a decision, every minute, of how I would live. Much of the time, I didn't want to. But that shifted as I felt changes in my own body, from the painful work.
I guess parenting is the same.
I'm gonna feel like a walking miracle when she grows up and things work out, just like my scar tissue.
My weight has been difficult these past few months. I'm still small, but it has felt wrong.
So, in the past 2 weeks, hubby and I have been doing more intense intermittent fasting. Actually, a mishmash of things - so it's not actually fasting in the Gandhi sense, but it has definitely helped out. And my energy has been good - trying to get to bed in time to get a full nights sleep is challenging, but I'm getting at least as much sleep as I did before - not always, but enough that this whole shift in my schedule has been really beneficial. And, regardless of the numbers (though I'm glad they're heading back home), I feel stronger and happier. But I was at rockbottom for long enough that anything can feel better.
Speaking of fasting, gotta cook up a gorgeous grass fed organic steak for my girl. I'm going to steal a slice, but am really looking forward to my huge salad and homemade soup (bone broth, shiritaki noodles, veggies, cayenne and salt and pepper - it's ridiculously good). Maybe we'll even bake some cookies. I can't be a saint all the time! ;)
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