Cancer Center - it gives me more cancer!

Finally went to see my oncologist today for my arm worries. Of course, it didn't flare up. He said I looked great. I told him everything. He said, next time it flares up, call me and I'll see you or you can measure it and send photos if you're not in town. Cool.

But the before and after? A hot mess.

I showed up early, as always. Because people are not smart.

I almost hate that I love my doctors. But, I do. The security guy couldn't find my name on the appointment list, so he just told me to go back, which really helped to make me feel secure. Apparently I was on the list, but they said no labs were indicated. Thank GOD, though that's never happened before. Saw my oncologist, talked about my arm. Of course, for the first day in a week, I didn't have a flare up (and am, of course, having one as I type). So we measured my mammoth biceps. I hope he has recovered from the shock of the gun show. Hah. Actually, he said "Don't flex!  I know you workout!" Love him. He knows me so well. He knows about our cats, kids, careers, likes, dislikes... oh, I wish he had a private practice.

He said he ordered bloods and pointed at the screen, so back out I went to the front, after unsuccessfully trying to book my next appointment for lack of staff at the desk. Dude could not spell my name, which is simple. I don't mumble. I found my name on his list for him. He checked me in and said to wait for the vampires, as I usually do upon entering, before my appointment. 

Sat there, a few minutes later someone popped out and asked my name. They disappeared for about 10 minutes. So, I took a walk back to the front (security) to see what was going on, which was empty! Again, super duper security. So I went back, asked them what was up, and they said they were trying to find the order. 

I then walked back to my oncologists office, and nobody was there. A patient, who also works there (has cancer, but works in a different division) , was talking to me and another lady - we had a great discussion about sugar and diet with cancer (which docs seem to avoid, and yes, the woman who worked there didn't know a thing about this stuff, so a lovely woman and I got into a big discussion about it all with her, at least that was a good thing that came from this hellish cancer day!)... and she was still waiting for her appointment. She asked what was going on, since I'm sure I looked a little pissed off. I told her what happened since I had walked in the door. She said, if the doc wanted labs, I should really wait. I told her if they wanted my blood, they'll get it next time. IF I can make another appointment! 

Do I even want to? 

I'm definitely calling him tomorrow. We have a good relationship, I'm probably one of his more open, honest, and crazy patients. So, I now know what I knew going in. I need to monitor my arm. Duh. He said he would like me to return during holiday time - but since there was nobody, anywhere, to schedule that, perhaps it's a sign.  Maybe I am my best doctor. I mean, I'm prescribing all of my own treatment now and paying out of pocket. How much should I charge myself for this? Is there an online degree I could get, so I feel more official? 

All we can do is our best - but most of those people do their absolute lazy-worst. I also want to note that I like the nurses there. Each one, they can handle me. I had a parade of fun health practitioners checking all my crap. Why are these very important health care centers failing so badly? At this rate, I don't want to go back for a few years while I cool off. I know it's not smart of practical, but I don't need stress. I already have Cancer - it's built in!!! I will be calling my oncologist tomorrow morning and will tell him all of this. And that, even if I don't come back for the holidays like he wants, I may just bake something for him anyway. Because, it's not his fault that they are nincompoops.  

And, my arm progresses to throb and feel heavy. Lord, why didn't it do that a few hours ago???

One week later...

Been not completely awesome since my last post - I checked to see how long ago it was because I remembered feeling like crap on a cracker. It's been exactly a week.

Woke up this morning feeling not great, but as the morning progressed, in utter pain. In my gut. Like, cramps. The worst PMS feeling ever, including my mood. I did make it to the gym, and since last night I felt all lymphedema-ey in my arm, I took it light. Cramping. Finished weights somehow (wimpy, that's how!) and plopped on a recumbent bike. Cramping. Burned a few more calories, and made it home with hubby.

We've both been overworking, and it's stressful. Put pain on top of it, and it's a disaster.

He went for a haircut, even though he looks like he has a military buzz (which I don't mind, but I wish he could go less frequently, or let me buzz it!) and I laid down on my bed of nails! It always feels good/tortuous. Usually, I can't take it for long. I fell asleep. Hard. Woke up, not because I was in pain, but because I got a text from a friend I had to meet today. It was definitely helpful.

But, while I was situating myself ,  my larger and quite lovable cat climbed on my belly, as he likes to do. He stepped in my hip crack (groin) area and I felt a pain. Moved him to safer terrain and felt a pebble. Yup. A swollen lymph node. Is it related to my lymph issues in my arm? Is it trying to take the burden of draining where 6 are missing a bit too seriously? I've had this before, in my life. As a younger lady, without insurance, I'd never had it checked. When I learned about lymph, I never worried and figured it was helping me get rid of the bagel/candy/chocolate I might have had that day.

Do I worry about this? I'm so tired of medicine. What will they do if I have a secondary cancer? Start killing me again? Wouldn't I rather die naturally? I watched my mom go, and she spent years of being a pincushion/poison center/guinea pig, basically wanting to die after all of that bs. I had a nice taste of it though my treatment. I also wanted to die.

This cramping today made me want to basically kill anyone. Anyone. Hold the door for me? I will have to kill you. Smile? Kill.

So, hubby and I, when my tummy started to calm from my nail bed nap, went to Bed Bath and Beyond to return an item. I hate having dead stuff around, it's bad energy. At least if we bring it back and get our store credit, it makes life better. One less thing to deal with. Right?

Eh. I couldn't have chosen a worse day. In the store, he asked if we have to return it first and then go to the register. I told him, I'm pretty sure most stores let you exchange at the customer service desk. He asked me again. And again. And once more. By this time, I said, "I don't work here". And he got mad. Sure, if I said it the first time, but here I was, fighting to stand upright while looking for stuff for him, and he doesn't stop. I said, the general rule that I know of in retail, is that when someone returns an item, they will be able to ring up a new purchase even if it's totally different.

Which is true.

And, it was still true today.

I sometimes wonder if hubby likes to irritate me. Like, he is so calm and I'm the wild one. Perhaps that is true in general, but dang, dude. I feel like I'm going to drop dead, and you keep harassing me about a store policy in a store I've walked into maybe 7 times in the past 15 years?

I know why my mom gave up. Her partner was nothing more than a moron with a bad attitude, no social graces, and was just disgusting. My partner is good. Nobody is perfect, but dang... customer service will exchange for you.

We still need a hair catcher for our bathtub, which was one thing we didn't find. The other one disintegrated between my hair and my daughter's hair. A bit of a Lady Godiva vibe in this house - except for Military Weekly Cut.

I love him. But sometimes, I don't know what to do. He probably doesn't either, and that scares him. He wants to fix everything. I want an ear to listen and a heart to love.

Yeah, I know. I should call my doc. I planned on calling my oncologist regarding the arm issues. I'll tell him about the groin marble. But I swear, if I have more cancer, I'm going to just Cheech & Chong until the end. I wish my mom could have died feeling no pain, only goofiness. I will not go down like she did.

Maybe a hot salt bath will help. I had a clementine and a bunch of kombucha and golden milk, a little yogurt - just now a home fizzed club soda with some grape stevia - I just want stuff that won't make it worse. I guess I'm, except the clementine, on a liquid diet today. It always makes me nervous when I don't want food, because I'm always hungry. It's my thing. But a day off of chewing too much is good. Oops, I forgot that I had a piece of persimmon bread that I had baked last night. Sigh...

How can I explain this feeling of WHAAAAAAHAPPA????

It comes and goes. It's a feeling of nausea mixed with I want to lay down for a week.

I think, sometimes, life gets overwhelming - and now that I'm a chronic patient, I've somehow programmed my head to stop overdoing it. Sometimes I have no choice, and I magically get through it, only to collapse at the finish line. And retreat into my mode of not being able to move.

Feeling like that, this weekend. Made it to the gym both days. Today was more productive than yesterday (which was my daughter's birthday, so I'm glad I could put on a spunky face and have fun with her). As soon as she left to see her dad? COLLAPSE.

Today, went to the gym with hubby. Didn't feel great, but since I had to skip two days this past week, and, he's such a badass and he deserves a month of hiding under the covers and crying for all that he has done and continues to do, I went. I did ok. Got home, showered, did laundry (which I have not done for years - no joke - but since he's so busy I volunteered, and somehow, it all came out in the wash!) Walked him to his bus to go to a meeting out in the boonies, and felt foggy headed. Stopped by an amazing outdoor flea market. We have tons in our neighborhood but this one was actually enjoyable. Almost bought a vintage typewriter - I have a thing for those and haven't gotten one yet, but I cringed at the thought of even hauling it to the corner for a cab. That's how weird I felt.

Walked to the grocery store and got a few things. Got home. Ate a clementine and drank a huge amount of water. A bit better. Cleaned the fridge, because it wigged me out. And now, I sit thinking I should at least go to the garden and pluck some offending weeds and see how the tomatoes are doing. Maybe grab some basil. It's safe enough, it's just across the street. If I feel awful I can come home.

I honestly believe it's my body saying "Don't do this to yourself again, dummy. The cancer can't kill you if you're feeling good. Rest."

Promise. I will make a delicious dinner (roasted organic chicken breast and salad with a little feta) for us, see hubs off to his gig, and watch a movie in bed. It may do me good to go to the garden and ground in the soil with the plants and junk. You know. Back to nature in the big city. I always feel better, but  today feels harder to motivate. I'm amazed that I walked about 40 minutes without having some dramatic episode of collapsing on the sidewalk. What in the heck is this, actually? I am tired of docs.

Maybe it's my supplements. I take a day off once in a while, and decided today was a good choice. You know. Cleanse out ye olde system and what not. Been doing my kombucha, which has been brewing amazingly well.

If I feel foggy tomorrow, I'll call my doc. At least the nausea has passed. I'm sure I've felt like this before cancer, but now - EVERYTHING is cancer in my mind. Just found out our very good friend has Multiple Myeloma. I'm not too keen on the whole chemo thing, but that's what they say they'll do. He's too old for this. I wish I could be his advocate, but he has family. I'm just hoping that they think and don't just follow the herd. We think of him as family, and if anyone does anything to not help him for the benefit of profit, I will be kicking some ass in some way. I hate this. All of it. I know he won't do a lot of the stuff I do, but the medical community is not as helpful as they are money-hungry. Which makes me want to vomit on the entire "industry". Maybe that nausea is coming back, after all. But, to the garden I go - to connect with nature, and hopefully no bugs.

A day off, not by choice.

Yesterday, I didn't hear my 4:15am alarm. Sure, that seems like a smart move. I woke up after 5am. Couldn't lift my head off of the pillow. Woke up again at 7:20. Mind you, I have a slew of "safety alarms" that must have gone off, that I must have snoozed. Never heard them. I gave up. Cancelled my daytime plans with very groggy texts. Not like me at ALL.

I was in and out of a weird daze, until about 3pm. Really? Yes. Was I drugged? No.

Hubby was very, very sick. A while back, he had an MRI because he had migranes that made him puke. He's also not a canceler, but he did. He had some cold, or, as we thought, allergy symptoms as well. I had the same for the past few days. Sneezing, sniffles, coughing... in fact, in my daze, I found a cup of ice cold throat coat tea by the bed. I'm sure it was steaming hot at some point.

This scares me, yet I know it's probably just super charged exhaustion and stress. It has been a CRAZY month or more for both of us. I think my body learned to shut me down early and forcefully. Do you believe that cancer is caused or helped along with stress? I do. Absolutely. Whatever starts it, if your stress is through the roof, or exhaustion, it is allowed to grow and prosper and take over your world, which is your body, of course!

So, instead of trying to fight (which, quite honestly, would be impossible given that I could barely get up to use the restroom), I went.

I did make a nice dinner, simple and pretty clean. Went to bed and watched a few movies, as I didn't want to wake at 2am and be Cornholio'd!!!

This morning I started waking up at 4. Still a bit foggy and groggy, but the worst has passed. Forced myself to chill until 8. Been doing my kombucha making, had a nice bulletproof coffee, and am now thinking, in this horrible thunderstorm (and yes, I missed the most perfect day yesterday - and anyone who knows me, knows that it ONLY if I'm deathly ill!) I should get to the gym. May wait for hubby to arise, so he can make sure I don't die while there. Safety first!

We'll see. Our anniversary is next week - no real plans but we need a fancy dinner.As long as I can get rid of whatever is trying to kill me from the inside! Yes. Think positively. I got the rest I needed, and I can take it easy until I'm myself again.

July... Mom's birthday coming up, and I've been a patient nearly 3 years? What the heck?

Time flies, and now, it's July.

My mom's birthday is fast approaching. She would have been 75. She died 25 years ago, and it hurts just the same.

Our 3 year anniversary is fast approaching, which means my 3 year cancerversary is right behind it. Weird. All this stuff. Not to mention my daughter's birthday, my birthday a month later (right around my cancerversary), then hubbys birthday the next month, and then, the slaying of Native Americans (I'm part, just FYI) while people gorge on enough food to feed a village, vapid gift gimmee, and then a whole new year!

Yeah.

Well, the usual battles are going on, except it's hard to keep my head on straight when hubby is so tired that we think he has a brain tumor.  He had an MRI and it's clear, so it is now assumed that he need to stop and breathe. The problem with being freelancers, you don't dictate your downtime. Your bills do, and ours say work 24/7. We love what we do. I'd love for hubby to no longer get migranes that make him puke.

At least we know he's not pregnant.  ;)

Off to pack for another one off in a foreign country. Did one a couple of weeks ago. I love work, but the travel...

And on a good note, my daughter is definitely on an attitude upswing. Let's hope we can keep her in our mood and outlook corner. Parenting is so challenging, with or without cancer. I've learned to bite my tongue, and let thoughts roll around in my head and soften, before I speak. Sometimes, I can actually do it. It's all about getting better, right?

Heading into June, are we?

Well, THAT was fast! I mean, life. It's not over, but dang. How is it that it moves at warp speed and, as kids we think it moves slowly until we're well into adulthood. Perhaps it's when we can really feel our mortality. Regardless, I'm trying to enjoy every moment.

I've now been on my waking up at 4:15am drill for maybe 2 months?  Get to the gym at 5am (the opening bell), workout for between an hour and an hour and a half (depending on how I'm feeling, my cario-abilities etc.) Some days, it's weights for 30, cardio for the same. Some days, it's weights for 60 and maybe no cardio, or at least something - even 15 minutes helps the quest.

I'm definitely improving. My body, my mood, my choices. But I still feel empty. It's been a very rough few months with my daughter (the teen years - and I know it could be worse, but, my girl is so stubborn).  She did SO well and then we had issues with her not wanting to do her work (which, by the way, she could knock out of the park in 20% of the time her fellow students could. I'm not saying that as her mom, but as someone in the know). It hurts me to see this happen.

If I had followed in my dad's footsteps, I'd likely be dead. He's still alive, but the way that he functions in the world, the way he (doesn't) take care of himself, the disregard he has for others - eh, I'd have no career, no life, no hope.

Dark, huh?

Coincidentally, a clap of thunder rang as I typed that.

It's like a time release thing, parenting. It's like taking a slow releasing pill, but instead of 8 hours, it's 40 years. You just have to make sure you complete administering the medication. You have to see it through no matter how much it seems it isn't working, how much it may hurt emotionally, how tired it makes you feel. The side effects can suck, but once in a while that light shines in and you see it. You see glimmers of success. It's like trying to stretch out all that nasty scar tissue after surgery. Hurts. Feels odd, and sometimes wrong. But you keep going, safely, and eventually, that range of motion is better than ever. Or at least, as good as you can get it, and better than you had imagined it could be.

I think back to coming home from my mastectomy. I felt so awful, so violated and mutilated. I felt destroyed as a human being who lived her life doing all of the right things enough of the time that this never should have happened. But then, it did. I could barely walk, I couldn't stand up straight, the drains hurt, the site hurt, my heart hurt, and I couldn't always see the light. But I stretched, I did what I could do, we massaged out the cording (so painful, it hurts to even hear the word!) I had to make a decision, every minute, of how I would live. Much of the time, I didn't want to. But that shifted as I felt changes in my own body, from the painful work.

I guess parenting is the same.

I'm gonna feel like a walking miracle when she grows up and things work out, just like my scar tissue.

My weight has been difficult these past few months.  I'm still small, but it has felt wrong.

So, in the past 2 weeks, hubby and I have been doing more intense intermittent fasting. Actually, a mishmash of things - so it's not actually fasting in the Gandhi sense, but it has definitely helped out. And my energy has been good - trying to get to bed in time to get a full nights sleep is challenging, but I'm getting at least as much sleep as I did before - not always, but enough that this whole shift in my schedule has been really beneficial. And, regardless of the numbers (though I'm glad they're heading back home), I feel stronger and happier. But I was at rockbottom for long enough that anything can feel better.

Speaking of fasting, gotta cook up a gorgeous grass fed organic steak for my girl. I'm going to steal a slice, but am really looking forward to my huge salad and homemade soup (bone broth, shiritaki noodles, veggies, cayenne and salt and pepper - it's ridiculously good). Maybe we'll even bake some cookies. I can't be a saint all the time! ;)

Deep breath, and... garden.

The garden deadline is in 10 days.

What?

Yeah. I belong to a community garden. More accurately, my daughter does. Because it takes forever to get a patch unless you're a kid - they get priority. So every family with a kid in our complex signs their kid up. Theoretically it's to encourage the children to garden alongside the old folks. In theory - super. In reality, I was digging up the hard soil from this awful winter, plucking weeds, putting the dead rosemary bush to rest in the compost, pretending I know how to do garden stuff. I even planted a half dead rosemary bush we bought a week and a half ago. Whoopee.

I do like the garden, occasionally. I have to hit the farmers market to get some starters. Ain't no way in hell I'm going to try and actually put seeds in the dirt. I mean, I've tried, and I've laughed. At least laughter is good medicine, right?

Saw a friend who also is part of the losing boob parts cancer world. She had a lumpectomy - stage zero, but still - losing a part is losing a part. She went through 5 weeks of radiation. And is, I found out today as I scanned the dirt for disgusting worms to avoid (luckily, there were none!), refusing tamoxifen. I was relieved. I know, perhaps it helps some - but I haven't met one woman who hasn't hated this. Except for one - but she has no ovaries and stuff and is way past menopause junk. I guess I should say anyone under 50.

It was nice to catch up. Apparently her doc is smart and says that losing a few pounds is way more beneficial in cancer recurrence prevention than that poison. My clan of docs agree and love what I'm doing.

My new 5am gym routine is amazing. It's nuts. Yesterday we were out all day, and I had WAY more to drink than I usually do. I have actually barely been drinking, but it was a birthday celebration followed by a gig where I wasn't playing, so what the heck, right? I thought, maybe I'll skip the gym in the morning.  WRONG! I woke up at 4 instead of 4:30! So I looked on my phone a bit when I realized sleep was no longer an option, got up and dressed in my workout finery, and cleaned up a bit since I couldn't show up before the opening bell. Weird, no?  Had a good workout. I always do in the morning. There's something about being that fresh for the day. No excuses. I lift about an hour if I get there at 5 on the dot. Including abs. I have been feeling fairly badass, and recently when I do straight barbell curls (no 21's, but just full reps) I've been manning up to a 60 lb bar. I mean, if that doesn't up my testosterone and send my estrogen packing, then the world is more stupid than I thought. I'm making my own tamoxifen with muscles. I still should go the roid route and get all juiced and beefy, but I'm not sure I can handle (pun intended) having my own penis.

Seriously. I'm too old to figure out how to wear one of those.

Meanwhile, I'm exhausted now. We'll see what time I stir tomorrow, but I really like this routine. I haven't missed a day since I started this early morning thing, and I can really feel my body changing. Perhaps I'm flushing all the tamoxifen out of my system once and for all? Oh, and the cancer too. Please vacate and never return. Thanks in advance!  xo