It comes and goes. It's a feeling of nausea mixed with I want to lay down for a week.
I think, sometimes, life gets overwhelming - and now that I'm a chronic patient, I've somehow programmed my head to stop overdoing it. Sometimes I have no choice, and I magically get through it, only to collapse at the finish line. And retreat into my mode of not being able to move.
Feeling like that, this weekend. Made it to the gym both days. Today was more productive than yesterday (which was my daughter's birthday, so I'm glad I could put on a spunky face and have fun with her). As soon as she left to see her dad? COLLAPSE.
Today, went to the gym with hubby. Didn't feel great, but since I had to skip two days this past week, and, he's such a badass and he deserves a month of hiding under the covers and crying for all that he has done and continues to do, I went. I did ok. Got home, showered, did laundry (which I have not done for years - no joke - but since he's so busy I volunteered, and somehow, it all came out in the wash!) Walked him to his bus to go to a meeting out in the boonies, and felt foggy headed. Stopped by an amazing outdoor flea market. We have tons in our neighborhood but this one was actually enjoyable. Almost bought a vintage typewriter - I have a thing for those and haven't gotten one yet, but I cringed at the thought of even hauling it to the corner for a cab. That's how weird I felt.
Walked to the grocery store and got a few things. Got home. Ate a clementine and drank a huge amount of water. A bit better. Cleaned the fridge, because it wigged me out. And now, I sit thinking I should at least go to the garden and pluck some offending weeds and see how the tomatoes are doing. Maybe grab some basil. It's safe enough, it's just across the street. If I feel awful I can come home.
I honestly believe it's my body saying "Don't do this to yourself again, dummy. The cancer can't kill you if you're feeling good. Rest."
Promise. I will make a delicious dinner (roasted organic chicken breast and salad with a little feta) for us, see hubs off to his gig, and watch a movie in bed. It may do me good to go to the garden and ground in the soil with the plants and junk. You know. Back to nature in the big city. I always feel better, but today feels harder to motivate. I'm amazed that I walked about 40 minutes without having some dramatic episode of collapsing on the sidewalk. What in the heck is this, actually? I am tired of docs.
Maybe it's my supplements. I take a day off once in a while, and decided today was a good choice. You know. Cleanse out ye olde system and what not. Been doing my kombucha, which has been brewing amazingly well.
If I feel foggy tomorrow, I'll call my doc. At least the nausea has passed. I'm sure I've felt like this before cancer, but now - EVERYTHING is cancer in my mind. Just found out our very good friend has Multiple Myeloma. I'm not too keen on the whole chemo thing, but that's what they say they'll do. He's too old for this. I wish I could be his advocate, but he has family. I'm just hoping that they think and don't just follow the herd. We think of him as family, and if anyone does anything to not help him for the benefit of profit, I will be kicking some ass in some way. I hate this. All of it. I know he won't do a lot of the stuff I do, but the medical community is not as helpful as they are money-hungry. Which makes me want to vomit on the entire "industry". Maybe that nausea is coming back, after all. But, to the garden I go - to connect with nature, and hopefully no bugs.
No comments:
Post a Comment