Ugh.

That is all.

Side effects? Anxiety? Fear?

Last night, I had a bit of medication, my own variety, a bit extra, and a drink.  I seem to indulge a bit more these days, possibly because I have a 13 year old, and no matter how great she is at her core, she is 13. And sometimes I have a hard time understanding her. Because at 13, I was watching my mom die, as my family (the "men") were being chronically apathetic, so I became the new mom in the house. I did everything. I cooked and cleaned and did yard work (even with a broken foot, the "men" just let everything grow over, so I hobbled out in my crutches with frighteningly dangerous lawn care items that were full of explosive gasoline, and I revved them up and tried my hardest to not fall over and chop my head off.  They probably would not have noticed, until dinner was not on the table.

My daughter, she has so much support in this house. Perhaps not at her dads, but her level of apathy toward certain things makes me wonder if she has it too good. Or that her dads house is filled with the fragrance of chronic apathy, just like mine was, and she has resigned to not pick up the slack.

She has jobs here, and does them when reminded. She gets paid. This will stop soon, as hubby and I discussed a NEW pay scale. She does it on her own, without being nudged? Extra money! Reminders? Docked. 3 reminders? She doesn't get paid. And if we have to do it, she will pay US to do her job. That will go in a special place for us to enjoy date night. We'll see how this goes, but I did not raise my child to be like her father.

Anyway, last night my head got so fuzzed out that I worried. It felt like I had an old fashioned cloth tied around my head, like the old school cartoon characters who had a toothache. I figured it was all the stuff I consumed.

Tonight - nothing. Kombucha, water, stir fried veggies and some faux-slaw (cabbage and onions in a little mayo, yum!)  So, what gives? I'm now toothache cartoon gal again.

Maybe it's anxiety, depression, endometriosis, a blood clot about to kill me - the internet is full of fun stuff! But I wonder if this is still the meds exiting the building. I did get my period today (halleloooo!) and am crampy, but this head thing makes me think I'm coming, Elizabeth!

I'm not afraid of the Angel of Death, as Ruiz suggests we should not be. And I get it. It's easier to live my life, knowing I could die now. Or now. Or now. But this fuzzy head makes me think I have to make sure all my ducks are in a row. Because who's going to take care of my ducks if they're all over the place?

Frustrations, but small triumphs

Ah. Ye olde weight fluctuations. It seemed, for the past month, no matter what, I stayed an extra 5 lbs. over my usual weight. The other day, I literally could not breathe. I know. Folks who know me would say that's shallow, that I should be grateful to be alive. I am. But what is going on?

Seems I dropped some of it yesterday by basically only eating dinner. Sounds unhealthy? It's actually intermittent fasting. I do a version daily and basically eat in an 8 hour window, but this extreme measure helped me out. I'm positive I would be 50 lbs instead of 5 lbs. heavier if I ate like I used to. Thanks, Tamoxifen. 

Of course, coming home to mothering stress drove me to making breakfast for dinner. Not bad, an over easy egg, 2 slices of organic bacon, a piece of ezekiel toast (a very rare treat!) with butter, almond butter and fig preserves. But still. I could have done better for myself. I did have a nice big kale salad, too!

Food is such an emotional vehicle. I'm feeling better somehow. Comfort. But I also feel as if I just undid some of yesterday. Even though my mid-day meal was a big giant veggie juice and a protein bar.

Ok, I am forgiven. All that I consumed were organic things, no flour based anything, and I feel sated.

Perhaps it's a good night to watch a movie instead of clean and practice music like I had planned. We'll see how it pans out, but I need a ME moment about now. It's not bad, but it's been a long trek without much sunlight or time to breathe. I have to remember that I have accomplished a lot recently and that it's OK to rest. Maybe a few cookies or pieces of chocolate. Eh. I'm human.

I'm sorry, but I don't believe in some things.

First of all - holy cow! I've been working like a maniac. Really good since the NEW KITCHEN IS DONE and gorgeous. And I spent more than what I sometimes make in a year on it. Now I'm asking for a bathroom estimate. Not nearly the job this was, it would literally be a new bathtub, toilet, sink, cabinet, tiles, vanity and light. And painting. Fingers crossed that it's not too painful financially!

Anyway, I'm going to vent a bit. And I apologize if I offend anyone. Truly.

But, God does not bring stuff to us that we can handle. And God will not cure us. If that were the case, why is my mother dead? Why am I still sick? I believe in people who truly believe - but not people who leave it up to higher powers to make us all well. Clearly, that has not worked. Not that I have witnessed. Religion is good. Don't get me wrong. Goodness and Kindness rock.

I just hear and see it so often. Folks are quick to pray for you. Folks are quick to tell you that God wouldn't give you this disease or pain or death in the family if you couldn't handle it. What the heck does that mean???

So, God gave my mom cancer because she could handle it. But she couldn't. So she died. And me, in my teens, after watching my mom die painfully over the course of 10 years was strong enough to handle it. But I wasn't.  I still cry at losing her. It's been 25 years since she passed. No, God. I can't handle it and she couldn't either. Now, I'm apparently strong enough to handle it, and my daughter hopefully is NOT strong enough to handle my death. Because that means I won't die!!!

Religion can make people strong, or give them a muse to make them feel it. That's GREAT. I see it EVERYWHERE in the world of Cancer. And, people still die from Cancer, no matter how much they believe.

I believe in faith. I believe in living well and doing good for others. I believe in taking care of yourself. But, I do not believe that the magic man will cure me, or give me a horrible stuff because I'm strong. If that IS the truth, I'm going to stop working out and become emotionally unstable. Because I don't need more stuff that "I can handle".

What do I believe? That you are allowed to believe what you want. That you are not allowed to impose your beliefs on someone else's misfortune.

I'm not gonna lie. My mom dealt so much better with her cancer when she was still on the Buddhist side of the world. She converted to Christianity and was baptized as an adult with 2 children and cancer. She went to bible classes and everyone prayed for her. She died horribly. She did sustain some Buddhist practices that brought her peace. I wish she had stuck to that, instead of relying on everyone's empty promises.

This is a major reason why I cringe when someone says they're praying for me. There are very few people on the planet that I believe, when they say they are praying for me. Sorry, guys, for my occasional bad word on this blog, but I love you dearly and always welcome your love and prayers. You mean it. You make things happen, and I believe in you, your love, AND your prayers.

Others - just help. Do something nice. Help me find alone time to meditate or work out. Encourage my healthy lifestyle and positive affirmations. Suggest a good book or music or spoken word to uplift me. Suggest a funny movie on Netflix. Remind me to take melatonin so I can maybe rest a bit.

Rant over. Because my life is full of positivity, but once in a while this stuff gets way deep in my radar.

Funny thing, I played at my favorite church today. I absolutely adore everyone there. They pray for me, but they believe it helps me. That to me is real. That's good vibes. Good energy. That IS healing. The music we made, totally healing. The honesty and laughter and smiles, super duper healing. Some folks live it. They believe it and never impose it, even under "God's Roof". And that, my friends, is help. It's all the lemmings that say they're religious to appease the family or society. Even the ones who believe that they are, but it's all an act. It's being brainwashed from childhood. This is what you do, because you've always done it. I was one of them until my teens. I knew nothing else. My grandparents and mom (who had switched for the companionship of the congregation) taught me about buddhism. It's a lifestyle. It's not a label, or a social standing. It's what we all should strive for. It's peace and love. I believe that anyone who believes in goodness is the freaking Bees Knees. Do they even have knees?

Peace! Love! xoxo

Achy and useless

Not totally, but I've been achy for a few weeks now. Sick? Eh, who knows. Overworked? Definitely. Underslept? Bingo.

As much as I try, I seem to not be able to sleep enough. My brain triggers very early in the morning. Not good. I mean, my alarm is set for 6am - but I wake up by 5 or earlier. Seriously, what gives?

Construction in home may be partially responsible. Feels unsettled, dusty, disorganized. But still... unacceptable reason. I'm glad I got through the fashion show last week without taking a spill. It was wonderful, being able to raise money for a cancer center. Plus, I love fashion. If only I could have kept the clothing (especially the skirt - ok, everything. I loved everything).

I have so much coming up - work, projects, life... I need sleep.

My diet has also been super wonky for the past few weeks, but I think I'm back on track. Gained a few and lost a few. Whatever. But I think it may be part of what is affecting my sleep. Eating out more than usual with construction. Even when you order an organic salad in a restaurant, it's not your concoction. It's usually way more delicious, and probably filled with stuff that you wouldn't put in your own salad. Plus the bread. We almost never eat gluten, but a gorgeous, fresh organic breadbasket? Ok, I'm also not immune to a ghetto challah or even those stupid sesame covered breadsticks that are wrapped in plastic and are clearly not actual food. They taste extra good dipped in those little butter packets - which at least are butter. BUT, it's still not a part of my usual diet that keeps my body running optimally.

So, today was a pretty good food day, and I also worked out for the first time in too long, and I treated myself to a hot stone massage because I'm so achy. It helped. I needed it. I need much more than that, apparently. But it was nice to have someone be nice to me for an hour with hot stones.

What I really need is sleep. And a sponsor, so I can worry less about working and more about healing and helping others. Because as of now, I do it all, somehow.

Tonight - me/netflix. Must make time to chill out. Even if I don't get enough sleep tonight, I need my brain to get a hot stone massage.  In fact, I'm going to spray my apartment with lavender right now. And lay on my bed of nails. It feels amazing though it hurts like a mofo. You literally are forced to relax. And when you're sick? Amazing.

Sometimes you have to remember to be kind to you, in the process of being kind to the world. I tend to forget that I count. And then I get sick. Hmph.

A Good Cause.

This has been a week of exhausting following a week overseas. No rest. I know. Bad me.

Anyway, hubby and I played for a cancer fundraiser and it was amazing. Local band worked with us, and we had a great time. Raised money. I threw some CD's at our friend's daughter's table and apparently she sold 6 in record time. Perhaps she should be my PR person - once she graduates high school. Or... ;)

It was amazing. We were their donation, as a musical guest. What a cool donation - we had folks dancing, smiling, singing, it was a moment to always remember in my own darkest Cancer Hours. We all have them. They sneak up randomly. That's when we need to reach into our memory banks and really remember the good we can do in the world.

Speaking of good-doing, my husband was in a film for gender equality. Not some random youtube film, but much bigger - which means more chance of a global impact. Celebs are behind it. Let's hope to make a splash. He cried in the video. It made me cry, too. It's not too much to want a world that is fair to everyone. Watch the He For She video here, courtesy of the United Nations.

So, our house is in a shambles. Construction like a mofo. My death kitchen is underway. Walls have been broken down. Cabinets are long gone. We live in plastic wrap like

 

ET!!!

But they keep saying 4 weeks, and we started Wednesday. So that means, 3.5 weeks. Not that I'm counting!!!  

Next week - fundraiser fashion show. I hope I don't do this!

Could it be? Could the clouds of Tamoxirage have possibly lifted?

So, I don't want to jinx anything, but I've been in a good mood. Like the old me. Before this cancer crap.

It's only been a few days, but hubby has certainly noticed it. Possibly because I haven't tried to kill him in a few days. No, I never wanted to, but damn, I was living forever on the edge of a cliff, clinging to one little branch that threatened to snap and send me plummeting to my cancer death.

And, if you've ever seen someone (I once had a kitten who nearly jumped out of a 10th story window - luckily I saved her and she lived to the ripe old age of 18) on that edge of a cliff, they will do anything to hang on. Meaning, my sweet kitten scratched and bit the hell out of me as I saved her from going splat on the sidewalk. True story.

Because when someone tries to talk us down, or throw a rope, we have to use blind faith that they are right. That the rope will hold. It has never felt like it would, until a few days ago.

What changed? Heck if I know. My hormones are shifting back. My weight is still a battle. If I starve myself and work out, I definitely look better and feel... meh. My blood sugar has been really sensitive and I'm sure it's my "I need to button my size 2 pants, damnit!" attitude. And, I'm right. I need to. For the most part, they do. But sometimes, the moon is in the wrong position, the tides are wonky, the stars are all messed up in their alignment, who knows. I know, it's my hormones fighting to be reasonable again. Doing my best.

But at least I'm happy. I've set a new rule, I have to eat something before noon. Been intermittent fasting, which worked for a while, and still does to a point, but that blood sugar gets me at noon. I prepare a big ass veggie juice in the morning. And I try like hell to ignore it until I can't take it any longer. I do enjoy my cup of organic coffee with coconut oil, cayenne-ginger-cinammon and sometimes some stevia if I'm feeling frisky. And also some home brewed kombucha with chia seeds. So technically, I'm not fasting.

I wonder if I am like my grandma - she had diabetes. Nothing about her lifestyle would indicate that she would be susceptible. I don't know if she was type 1 or 2. Exercised, never overweight, happy life, yet she had that. Hmph. Eventually I'll worry enough to get tested, but for now, let's get this cancer and hormonal balance together.

Flying tomorrow evening for some gigs. It's a week away, but only 2 shows. Which may sound good to some, but I'm only being paid for 2 shows, but am away for a week. Eh. But the good news is that I'll maybe get a chance to relax, workout, sightsee, and SLEEP. Came home around 3am last night/this morning. Woke up at 7 when hubs was leaving. Struggled to sleep again until about 8:30 when I had to give our diabetic cat his shot. Practiced, started packing (still need to complete!), had a half assed workout and a nice walk, with some lunch goody shopping for my kiddo (she brings a thermos of udon noodles to school daily - true story!)

Let's hope this mood thing is here to stay. I can't stand being a lunatic. In a bad way. In the good way? Bring it.