Ah. Ye olde weight fluctuations. It seemed, for the past month, no matter what, I stayed an extra 5 lbs. over my usual weight. The other day, I literally could not breathe. I know. Folks who know me would say that's shallow, that I should be grateful to be alive. I am. But what is going on?
Seems I dropped some of it yesterday by basically only eating dinner. Sounds unhealthy? It's actually intermittent fasting. I do a version daily and basically eat in an 8 hour window, but this extreme measure helped me out. I'm positive I would be 50 lbs instead of 5 lbs. heavier if I ate like I used to. Thanks, Tamoxifen.
Of course, coming home to mothering stress drove me to making breakfast for dinner. Not bad, an over easy egg, 2 slices of organic bacon, a piece of ezekiel toast (a very rare treat!) with butter, almond butter and fig preserves. But still. I could have done better for myself. I did have a nice big kale salad, too!
Food is such an emotional vehicle. I'm feeling better somehow. Comfort. But I also feel as if I just undid some of yesterday. Even though my mid-day meal was a big giant veggie juice and a protein bar.
Ok, I am forgiven. All that I consumed were organic things, no flour based anything, and I feel sated.
Perhaps it's a good night to watch a movie instead of clean and practice music like I had planned. We'll see how it pans out, but I need a ME moment about now. It's not bad, but it's been a long trek without much sunlight or time to breathe. I have to remember that I have accomplished a lot recently and that it's OK to rest. Maybe a few cookies or pieces of chocolate. Eh. I'm human.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I'm sorry, but I don't believe in some things.
First of all - holy cow! I've been working like a maniac. Really good since the NEW KITCHEN IS DONE and gorgeous. And I spent more than what I sometimes make in a year on it. Now I'm asking for a bathroom estimate. Not nearly the job this was, it would literally be a new bathtub, toilet, sink, cabinet, tiles, vanity and light. And painting. Fingers crossed that it's not too painful financially!
Anyway, I'm going to vent a bit. And I apologize if I offend anyone. Truly.
But, God does not bring stuff to us that we can handle. And God will not cure us. If that were the case, why is my mother dead? Why am I still sick? I believe in people who truly believe - but not people who leave it up to higher powers to make us all well. Clearly, that has not worked. Not that I have witnessed. Religion is good. Don't get me wrong. Goodness and Kindness rock.
I just hear and see it so often. Folks are quick to pray for you. Folks are quick to tell you that God wouldn't give you this disease or pain or death in the family if you couldn't handle it. What the heck does that mean???
So, God gave my mom cancer because she could handle it. But she couldn't. So she died. And me, in my teens, after watching my mom die painfully over the course of 10 years was strong enough to handle it. But I wasn't. I still cry at losing her. It's been 25 years since she passed. No, God. I can't handle it and she couldn't either. Now, I'm apparently strong enough to handle it, and my daughter hopefully is NOT strong enough to handle my death. Because that means I won't die!!!
Religion can make people strong, or give them a muse to make them feel it. That's GREAT. I see it EVERYWHERE in the world of Cancer. And, people still die from Cancer, no matter how much they believe.
I believe in faith. I believe in living well and doing good for others. I believe in taking care of yourself. But, I do not believe that the magic man will cure me, or give me a horrible stuff because I'm strong. If that IS the truth, I'm going to stop working out and become emotionally unstable. Because I don't need more stuff that "I can handle".
What do I believe? That you are allowed to believe what you want. That you are not allowed to impose your beliefs on someone else's misfortune.
I'm not gonna lie. My mom dealt so much better with her cancer when she was still on the Buddhist side of the world. She converted to Christianity and was baptized as an adult with 2 children and cancer. She went to bible classes and everyone prayed for her. She died horribly. She did sustain some Buddhist practices that brought her peace. I wish she had stuck to that, instead of relying on everyone's empty promises.
This is a major reason why I cringe when someone says they're praying for me. There are very few people on the planet that I believe, when they say they are praying for me. Sorry, guys, for my occasional bad word on this blog, but I love you dearly and always welcome your love and prayers. You mean it. You make things happen, and I believe in you, your love, AND your prayers.
Others - just help. Do something nice. Help me find alone time to meditate or work out. Encourage my healthy lifestyle and positive affirmations. Suggest a good book or music or spoken word to uplift me. Suggest a funny movie on Netflix. Remind me to take melatonin so I can maybe rest a bit.
Rant over. Because my life is full of positivity, but once in a while this stuff gets way deep in my radar.
Funny thing, I played at my favorite church today. I absolutely adore everyone there. They pray for me, but they believe it helps me. That to me is real. That's good vibes. Good energy. That IS healing. The music we made, totally healing. The honesty and laughter and smiles, super duper healing. Some folks live it. They believe it and never impose it, even under "God's Roof". And that, my friends, is help. It's all the lemmings that say they're religious to appease the family or society. Even the ones who believe that they are, but it's all an act. It's being brainwashed from childhood. This is what you do, because you've always done it. I was one of them until my teens. I knew nothing else. My grandparents and mom (who had switched for the companionship of the congregation) taught me about buddhism. It's a lifestyle. It's not a label, or a social standing. It's what we all should strive for. It's peace and love. I believe that anyone who believes in goodness is the freaking Bees Knees. Do they even have knees?
Peace! Love! xoxo
Anyway, I'm going to vent a bit. And I apologize if I offend anyone. Truly.
But, God does not bring stuff to us that we can handle. And God will not cure us. If that were the case, why is my mother dead? Why am I still sick? I believe in people who truly believe - but not people who leave it up to higher powers to make us all well. Clearly, that has not worked. Not that I have witnessed. Religion is good. Don't get me wrong. Goodness and Kindness rock.
I just hear and see it so often. Folks are quick to pray for you. Folks are quick to tell you that God wouldn't give you this disease or pain or death in the family if you couldn't handle it. What the heck does that mean???
So, God gave my mom cancer because she could handle it. But she couldn't. So she died. And me, in my teens, after watching my mom die painfully over the course of 10 years was strong enough to handle it. But I wasn't. I still cry at losing her. It's been 25 years since she passed. No, God. I can't handle it and she couldn't either. Now, I'm apparently strong enough to handle it, and my daughter hopefully is NOT strong enough to handle my death. Because that means I won't die!!!
Religion can make people strong, or give them a muse to make them feel it. That's GREAT. I see it EVERYWHERE in the world of Cancer. And, people still die from Cancer, no matter how much they believe.
I believe in faith. I believe in living well and doing good for others. I believe in taking care of yourself. But, I do not believe that the magic man will cure me, or give me a horrible stuff because I'm strong. If that IS the truth, I'm going to stop working out and become emotionally unstable. Because I don't need more stuff that "I can handle".
What do I believe? That you are allowed to believe what you want. That you are not allowed to impose your beliefs on someone else's misfortune.
I'm not gonna lie. My mom dealt so much better with her cancer when she was still on the Buddhist side of the world. She converted to Christianity and was baptized as an adult with 2 children and cancer. She went to bible classes and everyone prayed for her. She died horribly. She did sustain some Buddhist practices that brought her peace. I wish she had stuck to that, instead of relying on everyone's empty promises.
This is a major reason why I cringe when someone says they're praying for me. There are very few people on the planet that I believe, when they say they are praying for me. Sorry, guys, for my occasional bad word on this blog, but I love you dearly and always welcome your love and prayers. You mean it. You make things happen, and I believe in you, your love, AND your prayers.
Others - just help. Do something nice. Help me find alone time to meditate or work out. Encourage my healthy lifestyle and positive affirmations. Suggest a good book or music or spoken word to uplift me. Suggest a funny movie on Netflix. Remind me to take melatonin so I can maybe rest a bit.
Rant over. Because my life is full of positivity, but once in a while this stuff gets way deep in my radar.
Funny thing, I played at my favorite church today. I absolutely adore everyone there. They pray for me, but they believe it helps me. That to me is real. That's good vibes. Good energy. That IS healing. The music we made, totally healing. The honesty and laughter and smiles, super duper healing. Some folks live it. They believe it and never impose it, even under "God's Roof". And that, my friends, is help. It's all the lemmings that say they're religious to appease the family or society. Even the ones who believe that they are, but it's all an act. It's being brainwashed from childhood. This is what you do, because you've always done it. I was one of them until my teens. I knew nothing else. My grandparents and mom (who had switched for the companionship of the congregation) taught me about buddhism. It's a lifestyle. It's not a label, or a social standing. It's what we all should strive for. It's peace and love. I believe that anyone who believes in goodness is the freaking Bees Knees. Do they even have knees?
Peace! Love! xoxo
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Achy and useless
Not totally, but I've been achy for a few weeks now. Sick? Eh, who knows. Overworked? Definitely. Underslept? Bingo.
As much as I try, I seem to not be able to sleep enough. My brain triggers very early in the morning. Not good. I mean, my alarm is set for 6am - but I wake up by 5 or earlier. Seriously, what gives?
Construction in home may be partially responsible. Feels unsettled, dusty, disorganized. But still... unacceptable reason. I'm glad I got through the fashion show last week without taking a spill. It was wonderful, being able to raise money for a cancer center. Plus, I love fashion. If only I could have kept the clothing (especially the skirt - ok, everything. I loved everything).
I have so much coming up - work, projects, life... I need sleep.
My diet has also been super wonky for the past few weeks, but I think I'm back on track. Gained a few and lost a few. Whatever. But I think it may be part of what is affecting my sleep. Eating out more than usual with construction. Even when you order an organic salad in a restaurant, it's not your concoction. It's usually way more delicious, and probably filled with stuff that you wouldn't put in your own salad. Plus the bread. We almost never eat gluten, but a gorgeous, fresh organic breadbasket? Ok, I'm also not immune to a ghetto challah or even those stupid sesame covered breadsticks that are wrapped in plastic and are clearly not actual food. They taste extra good dipped in those little butter packets - which at least are butter. BUT, it's still not a part of my usual diet that keeps my body running optimally.
So, today was a pretty good food day, and I also worked out for the first time in too long, and I treated myself to a hot stone massage because I'm so achy. It helped. I needed it. I need much more than that, apparently. But it was nice to have someone be nice to me for an hour with hot stones.
What I really need is sleep. And a sponsor, so I can worry less about working and more about healing and helping others. Because as of now, I do it all, somehow.
Tonight - me/netflix. Must make time to chill out. Even if I don't get enough sleep tonight, I need my brain to get a hot stone massage. In fact, I'm going to spray my apartment with lavender right now. And lay on my bed of nails. It feels amazing though it hurts like a mofo. You literally are forced to relax. And when you're sick? Amazing.
Sometimes you have to remember to be kind to you, in the process of being kind to the world. I tend to forget that I count. And then I get sick. Hmph.
As much as I try, I seem to not be able to sleep enough. My brain triggers very early in the morning. Not good. I mean, my alarm is set for 6am - but I wake up by 5 or earlier. Seriously, what gives?
Construction in home may be partially responsible. Feels unsettled, dusty, disorganized. But still... unacceptable reason. I'm glad I got through the fashion show last week without taking a spill. It was wonderful, being able to raise money for a cancer center. Plus, I love fashion. If only I could have kept the clothing (especially the skirt - ok, everything. I loved everything).
I have so much coming up - work, projects, life... I need sleep.
My diet has also been super wonky for the past few weeks, but I think I'm back on track. Gained a few and lost a few. Whatever. But I think it may be part of what is affecting my sleep. Eating out more than usual with construction. Even when you order an organic salad in a restaurant, it's not your concoction. It's usually way more delicious, and probably filled with stuff that you wouldn't put in your own salad. Plus the bread. We almost never eat gluten, but a gorgeous, fresh organic breadbasket? Ok, I'm also not immune to a ghetto challah or even those stupid sesame covered breadsticks that are wrapped in plastic and are clearly not actual food. They taste extra good dipped in those little butter packets - which at least are butter. BUT, it's still not a part of my usual diet that keeps my body running optimally.
So, today was a pretty good food day, and I also worked out for the first time in too long, and I treated myself to a hot stone massage because I'm so achy. It helped. I needed it. I need much more than that, apparently. But it was nice to have someone be nice to me for an hour with hot stones.
What I really need is sleep. And a sponsor, so I can worry less about working and more about healing and helping others. Because as of now, I do it all, somehow.
Tonight - me/netflix. Must make time to chill out. Even if I don't get enough sleep tonight, I need my brain to get a hot stone massage. In fact, I'm going to spray my apartment with lavender right now. And lay on my bed of nails. It feels amazing though it hurts like a mofo. You literally are forced to relax. And when you're sick? Amazing.
Sometimes you have to remember to be kind to you, in the process of being kind to the world. I tend to forget that I count. And then I get sick. Hmph.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
A Good Cause.
This has been a week of exhausting following a week overseas. No rest. I know. Bad me.
Anyway, hubby and I played for a cancer fundraiser and it was amazing. Local band worked with us, and we had a great time. Raised money. I threw some CD's at our friend's daughter's table and apparently she sold 6 in record time. Perhaps she should be my PR person - once she graduates high school. Or... ;)
It was amazing. We were their donation, as a musical guest. What a cool donation - we had folks dancing, smiling, singing, it was a moment to always remember in my own darkest Cancer Hours. We all have them. They sneak up randomly. That's when we need to reach into our memory banks and really remember the good we can do in the world.
Speaking of good-doing, my husband was in a film for gender equality. Not some random youtube film, but much bigger - which means more chance of a global impact. Celebs are behind it. Let's hope to make a splash. He cried in the video. It made me cry, too. It's not too much to want a world that is fair to everyone. Watch the He For She video here, courtesy of the United Nations.
So, our house is in a shambles. Construction like a mofo. My death kitchen is underway. Walls have been broken down. Cabinets are long gone. We live in plastic wrap like
Anyway, hubby and I played for a cancer fundraiser and it was amazing. Local band worked with us, and we had a great time. Raised money. I threw some CD's at our friend's daughter's table and apparently she sold 6 in record time. Perhaps she should be my PR person - once she graduates high school. Or... ;)
It was amazing. We were their donation, as a musical guest. What a cool donation - we had folks dancing, smiling, singing, it was a moment to always remember in my own darkest Cancer Hours. We all have them. They sneak up randomly. That's when we need to reach into our memory banks and really remember the good we can do in the world.
Speaking of good-doing, my husband was in a film for gender equality. Not some random youtube film, but much bigger - which means more chance of a global impact. Celebs are behind it. Let's hope to make a splash. He cried in the video. It made me cry, too. It's not too much to want a world that is fair to everyone. Watch the He For She video here, courtesy of the United Nations.
So, our house is in a shambles. Construction like a mofo. My death kitchen is underway. Walls have been broken down. Cabinets are long gone. We live in plastic wrap like
ET!!!
But they keep saying 4 weeks, and we started Wednesday. So that means, 3.5 weeks. Not that I'm counting!!!
Next week - fundraiser fashion show. I hope I don't do this!
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Could it be? Could the clouds of Tamoxirage have possibly lifted?
So, I don't want to jinx anything, but I've been in a good mood. Like the old me. Before this cancer crap.
It's only been a few days, but hubby has certainly noticed it. Possibly because I haven't tried to kill him in a few days. No, I never wanted to, but damn, I was living forever on the edge of a cliff, clinging to one little branch that threatened to snap and send me plummeting to my cancer death.
And, if you've ever seen someone (I once had a kitten who nearly jumped out of a 10th story window - luckily I saved her and she lived to the ripe old age of 18) on that edge of a cliff, they will do anything to hang on. Meaning, my sweet kitten scratched and bit the hell out of me as I saved her from going splat on the sidewalk. True story.
Because when someone tries to talk us down, or throw a rope, we have to use blind faith that they are right. That the rope will hold. It has never felt like it would, until a few days ago.
What changed? Heck if I know. My hormones are shifting back. My weight is still a battle. If I starve myself and work out, I definitely look better and feel... meh. My blood sugar has been really sensitive and I'm sure it's my "I need to button my size 2 pants, damnit!" attitude. And, I'm right. I need to. For the most part, they do. But sometimes, the moon is in the wrong position, the tides are wonky, the stars are all messed up in their alignment, who knows. I know, it's my hormones fighting to be reasonable again. Doing my best.
But at least I'm happy. I've set a new rule, I have to eat something before noon. Been intermittent fasting, which worked for a while, and still does to a point, but that blood sugar gets me at noon. I prepare a big ass veggie juice in the morning. And I try like hell to ignore it until I can't take it any longer. I do enjoy my cup of organic coffee with coconut oil, cayenne-ginger-cinammon and sometimes some stevia if I'm feeling frisky. And also some home brewed kombucha with chia seeds. So technically, I'm not fasting.
I wonder if I am like my grandma - she had diabetes. Nothing about her lifestyle would indicate that she would be susceptible. I don't know if she was type 1 or 2. Exercised, never overweight, happy life, yet she had that. Hmph. Eventually I'll worry enough to get tested, but for now, let's get this cancer and hormonal balance together.
Flying tomorrow evening for some gigs. It's a week away, but only 2 shows. Which may sound good to some, but I'm only being paid for 2 shows, but am away for a week. Eh. But the good news is that I'll maybe get a chance to relax, workout, sightsee, and SLEEP. Came home around 3am last night/this morning. Woke up at 7 when hubs was leaving. Struggled to sleep again until about 8:30 when I had to give our diabetic cat his shot. Practiced, started packing (still need to complete!), had a half assed workout and a nice walk, with some lunch goody shopping for my kiddo (she brings a thermos of udon noodles to school daily - true story!)
Let's hope this mood thing is here to stay. I can't stand being a lunatic. In a bad way. In the good way? Bring it.
It's only been a few days, but hubby has certainly noticed it. Possibly because I haven't tried to kill him in a few days. No, I never wanted to, but damn, I was living forever on the edge of a cliff, clinging to one little branch that threatened to snap and send me plummeting to my cancer death.
And, if you've ever seen someone (I once had a kitten who nearly jumped out of a 10th story window - luckily I saved her and she lived to the ripe old age of 18) on that edge of a cliff, they will do anything to hang on. Meaning, my sweet kitten scratched and bit the hell out of me as I saved her from going splat on the sidewalk. True story.
Because when someone tries to talk us down, or throw a rope, we have to use blind faith that they are right. That the rope will hold. It has never felt like it would, until a few days ago.
What changed? Heck if I know. My hormones are shifting back. My weight is still a battle. If I starve myself and work out, I definitely look better and feel... meh. My blood sugar has been really sensitive and I'm sure it's my "I need to button my size 2 pants, damnit!" attitude. And, I'm right. I need to. For the most part, they do. But sometimes, the moon is in the wrong position, the tides are wonky, the stars are all messed up in their alignment, who knows. I know, it's my hormones fighting to be reasonable again. Doing my best.
But at least I'm happy. I've set a new rule, I have to eat something before noon. Been intermittent fasting, which worked for a while, and still does to a point, but that blood sugar gets me at noon. I prepare a big ass veggie juice in the morning. And I try like hell to ignore it until I can't take it any longer. I do enjoy my cup of organic coffee with coconut oil, cayenne-ginger-cinammon and sometimes some stevia if I'm feeling frisky. And also some home brewed kombucha with chia seeds. So technically, I'm not fasting.
I wonder if I am like my grandma - she had diabetes. Nothing about her lifestyle would indicate that she would be susceptible. I don't know if she was type 1 or 2. Exercised, never overweight, happy life, yet she had that. Hmph. Eventually I'll worry enough to get tested, but for now, let's get this cancer and hormonal balance together.
Flying tomorrow evening for some gigs. It's a week away, but only 2 shows. Which may sound good to some, but I'm only being paid for 2 shows, but am away for a week. Eh. But the good news is that I'll maybe get a chance to relax, workout, sightsee, and SLEEP. Came home around 3am last night/this morning. Woke up at 7 when hubs was leaving. Struggled to sleep again until about 8:30 when I had to give our diabetic cat his shot. Practiced, started packing (still need to complete!), had a half assed workout and a nice walk, with some lunch goody shopping for my kiddo (she brings a thermos of udon noodles to school daily - true story!)
Let's hope this mood thing is here to stay. I can't stand being a lunatic. In a bad way. In the good way? Bring it.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Freaking eyelashes
Ok. So it's been over a year. A chunk of eyelashes went missing after my last surgery. Fine. That's totally normal, or sort of. But why in the heck are they refusing to come home to mama??? They grow in and fly away overnight. I'm so sick of it. Tonight as I washed my face (super carefully, with coconut oil) I realized that the gap has gotten worse.
I know they were really thin and short during my Tamoxifen stage. But that ended almost 7 months ago. I have my period back. In fact, it comes every 3 weeks more or less. I'm not complaining (as of now). I get horrendous cramps and bleed like the red sea has opened up in my woman parts, but again - at least it's working.
But Damn. I feel disfigured and scarred. I'm getting a handle on my weight - it yoyo's, but it's a bit better as time goes on and the poison leaves my system (I hope!!!) I need my freaking eyelashes.
I wear falsies on stage. I can't wear them daily. I've been using a serum that has worked in the past, but nothing. I've tried fractionated coconut oil stuff - to clean out the ducts. Nope.
I have toyed with getting extensions until I realize they would have nothing to extend!!! It's like putting tracks on a bald person. You need a full wig.
So, I've been wearing lots of eyeliner and glittery mineral eyeshadows to detract. I do that anyway, but I'm more conscious of it. I look like I could be in the Clockwork Orange - perhaps it will come to Broadway soon... though I'd have a tough time with some of the fuckery involved in the character. But, I have the lashes!!! Or lack thereof!
Anyhoo. A new cancer victim in my circle. Stage 1. Methinks she'll end up with a lumpectomy. But nothing is an easy trail in this world. I don't know her too well but we have hung a few times (she's an out of towner).
Sometimes I feel worse for my husband and daughter than for me. They didn't ask for this. My husband just entered our lives a few years before this all hit. Sometimes I tell him to go find someone who is cancer free, has 2 boobs, and can live a while longer. He refuses. I know it hurts him to hear, but it hurts me to see him dealing with my cancer insanity.
I know they were really thin and short during my Tamoxifen stage. But that ended almost 7 months ago. I have my period back. In fact, it comes every 3 weeks more or less. I'm not complaining (as of now). I get horrendous cramps and bleed like the red sea has opened up in my woman parts, but again - at least it's working.
But Damn. I feel disfigured and scarred. I'm getting a handle on my weight - it yoyo's, but it's a bit better as time goes on and the poison leaves my system (I hope!!!) I need my freaking eyelashes.
I wear falsies on stage. I can't wear them daily. I've been using a serum that has worked in the past, but nothing. I've tried fractionated coconut oil stuff - to clean out the ducts. Nope.
I have toyed with getting extensions until I realize they would have nothing to extend!!! It's like putting tracks on a bald person. You need a full wig.
So, I've been wearing lots of eyeliner and glittery mineral eyeshadows to detract. I do that anyway, but I'm more conscious of it. I look like I could be in the Clockwork Orange - perhaps it will come to Broadway soon... though I'd have a tough time with some of the fuckery involved in the character. But, I have the lashes!!! Or lack thereof!
Anyhoo. A new cancer victim in my circle. Stage 1. Methinks she'll end up with a lumpectomy. But nothing is an easy trail in this world. I don't know her too well but we have hung a few times (she's an out of towner).
Sometimes I feel worse for my husband and daughter than for me. They didn't ask for this. My husband just entered our lives a few years before this all hit. Sometimes I tell him to go find someone who is cancer free, has 2 boobs, and can live a while longer. He refuses. I know it hurts him to hear, but it hurts me to see him dealing with my cancer insanity.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
People die. People get scared.
It's been forever since I've blogged, just too busy, a little down, and well, ok, just busy!
Chatting with a friend now who is petrified of a biopsy about to go down tomorrow. But she's SO worried and asking all sorts of crazy questions as if she's been diagnosed. I get it, but does it help? Get the biopsy first. You can't fix it by worrying. You can't change the outcome by worrying. You can change your lifestyle. But you can't change the tumor in a day.
Someone passed that I had met on a photo shoot, ironically to help raise money for my good friend Champagne Joy. Death really does loom over me. Constantly. I had a dream that someone I know with cancer died. I checked in and he's alive. But it was real in the dream.
Woke up an hour early today. I think my brain is going bonkers. Been having massive blinding pains in my back. Stress. Ain't enough Calgon in this world to fix me at the moment... deep breath. Owch.
Chatting with a friend now who is petrified of a biopsy about to go down tomorrow. But she's SO worried and asking all sorts of crazy questions as if she's been diagnosed. I get it, but does it help? Get the biopsy first. You can't fix it by worrying. You can't change the outcome by worrying. You can change your lifestyle. But you can't change the tumor in a day.
Someone passed that I had met on a photo shoot, ironically to help raise money for my good friend Champagne Joy. Death really does loom over me. Constantly. I had a dream that someone I know with cancer died. I checked in and he's alive. But it was real in the dream.
Woke up an hour early today. I think my brain is going bonkers. Been having massive blinding pains in my back. Stress. Ain't enough Calgon in this world to fix me at the moment... deep breath. Owch.
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